World’s Most Pierced Person Dies Going Through Airport Metal Detector

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In one of the most bizarre deaths, the Guinness Book of World Record’s ‘most pierced person,’ Gerard M. Rogers, was killed as he attempted to go through a metal detector in Los Angeles’ LAX airport. According to reports, Rogers’ face was completely ripped from his body as soon as he entered the machine.

“We had warned him not to go through, but he said that it should be fine, and that he’s gone through them before,” said LAX spokesman Joey Goldsmith. “I have no idea if he was lying, if this was a suicide, or what the real story is. Regardless, when Mr. Rogers walked through the metal detector, his entire face was peeled off as the piercings ripped out, attracted to the machine.”

Goldsmith says that LAX, and other airports as well, will begin a strict “no piercings” policy for people who go through the metal detector.

“From here on out, any crazy, overly-pierced people will have to get the pat down. It’s just too much of a mess to clean up,” said Goldsmith. “Next time you’re traveling, please, God – just remove the piercings or take a pat down.”

New, Rare Species of Flesh-Eating Shark-Bird Discovered in Costa Rica

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COBANA, Costa Rica –

A newly discovered, extremely rare species of shark and bird was discovered in Costa Rica late last week, after a nature photographer was able to capture the hybrid in pictures.

The new species, which scientists are dubbing a Shird, appeared in several photographs taken by the photographer, Joe Goldsmith, but so far has yet to be captured in the wild.

“We can tell by its teeth and face that it is, in fact, a bird that will eat meat – it’s definitely carnivorous,” said research scientist Joel Mitchell. “Judging from the photographs, we estimate the bird to be approximately the size of a large Vampire Bat, with a wingspan of about 3 feet.”

So far, Goldsmith has said that he has not been able to find another example of the bird in the wild, although he adamantly claims that he did not photoshop the image.

“No way, I don’t even know how to use a computer,” said Goldsmith. “That picture is as genuine as they come. I’m just glad that he didn’t swoop in and try to eat me or something!”

Man Dies Of Hypothermia Waiting In Line For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A Boston man has died after reportedly suffering from hypothermia while waiting in line for the new Star Wars movie, which opens this weekend in theaters.

The man, Chuck Conway, 29, had been sleeping outside of the AMC Theater in downtown Boston since Sunday evening, trying to be the first in line.

“We saw him line up outside the doors on Sunday afternoon. He came prepared with a sleeping bag, a tent, and some books to read,” said AMC theater manager Joe Goldsmith. “We couldn’t believe he’d get here that early. It was insane.”

Friends say that Conway was a Star Wars super fan, and that he’d spent most of the year saving up to be able to afford to take time off from his job at McDonald’s and wait in line.

“Chuck was a hell of a guy, but not very bright, really,” said friend and co-worker Mitch Jacobs. “I mean, the tickets went on sale months ago, and he already had a ticket. Hell, AMC even makes you pick your seat ahead of time, so there was literally no reason for him to go stand in line. It’s a real shame he died over something so menial and stupid. But hey, more hours for me at work, right?”

Disney, the company releasing Star Wars: The Force Awakens said in a public comment that it was “tragic” that a fan had died, but offered no sympathy. AMC Theaters said they would offer a memorial service for Chuck at one of their locations, and that any who wanted to attend could get in for the matinee discount rate.

Teenager Kills Parents With Machete After They Deny Him Dessert

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SASAFRASS, Mississippi –

A 19-year-old boy was arrested on Monday morning after calling 911 to report that he had murdered his parents.

“I hacked up my parents with a machete,” said the caller via the emergency number. “They pissed me off. They’ll never piss me off again.”

Police say that the teen, whose identity has not yet been released, was peacefully arrested in his home.

“When we arrive on the scene, the parents were everywhere,” said police chief Joel Clarke. “Pieces of mom here, chunks of dad there. It was a ghastly nightmare. The teen was busy taking pictures of himself holding the machete and posing menacingly. He was arrested with no incident.”

“They wouldn’t let me have any fucking cheesecake for dessert,” said the teen, who weighs over 300 pounds. “They were trying to help me ‘lose weight,’ yet they’re stuffing their fat faces with food right in front of me. They deserved it. They’ll be losing weight in hell, now.”

The teen faces first degree murder charges. In the state of Mississippi, he will likely receive the death penalty if convicted.

TIME Magazine Names Justin Bieber’s Penis ‘Person of the Year’

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a year that had so many extremely exciting events and focused on so many important people – from Caitlyn Jenner’s “courageous” speeches, to President Obama finishing his final term in office, TIME Magazine has narrowed done the list of the Person of the Year to one person – or rather, one part of one person.

TIME has said that they have named Justin Bieber’s penis as their Person of the Year 2015. This comes only months after Beiber’s member made its first public appearance.

“I’m extremely honored that my penis has been named Person of the Year,” said Beiber. “I kind of figured when I walked around naked outside my hotel room that people would take pictures, but I never thought I’d have so many great honors associated with it, such as this Person of the Year distinction, or all the offers of having it molded for dildos.”

Bieber says that although the honor is very important to both him and his penis, he will not be allowing it to be photographed for the cover.

“I have nothing against TIME magazine or their photographers, and I’m grateful the think my dick is this important – I know I certainly agree with them – but I need my member to have pics taken at only certain times, and I just don’t think right now is one of them.”

Brock Lesnar Shows Off New ‘Shark Lifting’ Workout Routine

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOPEKA, Kansas –

WWE and UFC powerhouse Brock Lesnar is a force to be reckoned with. After dominating at both sports, the man has earned his reputation as an extreme athlete. What many don’t realize, though, is how Lesnar is able to maintain his incredible physique.

“Well, I started lifting animals years ago, back when I was still living on and maintaining my family’s farm,” said Lesnar in a recent interview. “Back then it was pigs, and I slowly worked my way up to cows. Once I left the farm, though, I found less options for animal lifting.”

Lesnar said it wasn’t until he bought his house in on the East Coast of Canada that he was able to start lifting a new kind of animal – sharks.

“The thin about pig-lifting or cow-lifting, is that those are fairly docile animals, considering, so although they’re heavy, I didn’t get the cardio aspect of it,” said Lesnar. “When I moved to the coast, I started swimming for, and catching live sharks. Then I carry them to shore, and do a few reps and squats. All that together, it really works.”

Lesnar says that although the workout routine has been extremely helpful in maintaining his “nearly perfect” athletic body, he doesn’t recommend it for everyone.

“If you have a fear of sharks, I’d say don’t do it,” said Lesnar. “Just stick to lifting smaller things, like dogs or rabbits.”

Homeless Man Found In Walmart Storage Room With Over 50 Dead Bodies, Many Of Them Skinned

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

A homeless man, who has yet to be identified, was arrested on Friday after a Walmart store employee found him hiding in the store’s old storage room. Police found over 50 bodies in various states of decomposition in the storage room as well, many of them fully skinned.

“We believe that this man, who will not give us his name and who does not appear to be in our systems, moved into the storage room of the local Walmart almost 2 years ago, after the store was remodeled,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith. “So far, we have identified several of the victims, but will not be releasing names until the families are notified.”

The homeless man, who local papers are calling The Skinner, reportedly had been living in the Walmart for years, but went unnoticed as a remodel of the building had boarded up a segment of the old warehouse and storage room.

“There was no way into the storage room from the inside of the store, and the outside was covered by brush and trees that had been planted or grown wild over time,” said the store manager, Jim Carson. “It appears this man was able to move in and out of the building without being seen by using this door, which was not connected to our alarm systems.”

According to police, they are charging the man with first degree murder, in a total count of 56 cases, although they are still determining the total number of bodies discovered. Medical examiners say that most of the victims were between 14 and 25 years old.

Teen Girl Dies While Masturbating, Parents Blame ‘Extremely Large Dildo’

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOPEKA, Kansas –

A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.

“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”

Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.

“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”

Sexy Woman Makes Fortune Bottling Her Sweat, Selling It To Lonely Men

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A former aerobics instructor, Jasmine Smith, says she has made over $1 million dollars after she started a business bottling her own sweat and selling it online.

“To be honest, I don’t know what the people who purchase it are using it for, and I don’t really ask,” said Smith, 24. “It all started after a private workout lesson I was giving a few years ago. The guy who paid for the lesson pulled me aside after, and asked if he could take my sweaty towels and clothes. I was super hesitant at first, but he paid me $400 for them, so I let it go.”

Smith says after that, the man visited several more times, and began paying higher figures.

“After that, I just sort of took to the internet to see if this was something I could do all the time. Turns out, there’s a big market for the sweat of sexy young women,” says Smith.

Reportedly starting her ‘business’ on the website Reddit, Smith says that she has about 300 “very dedicated” customers who buy her bottled sweat, old towels, workout clothes, and underwear.

“I will keep doing this as long as I can, as long as the men think I’m sexy enough to buy my sweat,” said Smith. “At this rate, I’ve already paid off my college loans, my car, and put down a large payment on a new house. The sweat has really been sweet.”

McDonald’s To Add New ‘McLite Gym,’ A New Exercise Area, To Over 20,000 Locations

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ASHFORD, Connecticut –

As many McDonald’s restaurants have closed down their old Playplace areas, leaving them vacant, the company’s new CEO, Geoff King, said that he has plans for helping customers burn off pesky, Big Mac induced weight.

“We plan to convert over 20,000 former Playplace indoor playground spaces into a new section we are calling McLite,” said King. “We want to offer full-service gyms in our locations, featuring Ronald McDonald as your coach. He will guide you in losing weight, all while still being able to enjoy delicious McDonald’s fries and shakes.”

The new McLite sections are already being remodeled in several locations in the midwest, where King says that “the fattest people” live.

“We don’t want to be the cause of obesity in this country, we want to help control it,” said King. “We have partnered with the company Planet Fitness to join into our McLite Gym sections, and we know they will help burn those calories.”

McLite Gyms will open beginning in March of 2016.