Tom Cruise Says He’s Leaving Church of Scientology

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Cruise, one of the most prolific A-list actors on the planet, is known almost as much for his bizarre religious beliefs as he is for his star power in action films like Mission:Impossible. But Cruise may be making a turn for the “normal,” as it was announced by his publicist this morning that Cruise was planning on leaving the Church of Scientology.

“Mr. Cruise has decided that he has spent enough money learning the secrets of the Church, and it is time for him to leave,” said Cruise’s agent, Mario Rubio. “Although this will be a difficult step, as the Church of Scientology is a known cult that often threatens people who leave with violence and lawsuits, Mr. Cruise feels he is above the reach of scientology.”

According to the Church, which was created by science-fiction writer L.Ron Hubbard, persons of a high rank in the organization, which Cruise is considered, are never allowed to leave, and sign documents declaring that they will not.

“Tom has a lot of high powered lawyers behind him, and he isn’t worried,” said Rubio. “Really, he just wants to spend a little bit of normal, regular time with his kids, without the Church’s involvement. It’s about time, too, if you ask me. It’s bound to make his next movie an even bigger hit, since there were definitely people who would not see his films due to his insane theories.”

NBC Plans ‘Big Bang Theory’ Feature Film

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

NBC, the company behind the hit TV series The Big Bang Theory, has announced they have begun negotiations with the cast of the show to star in a big-budget, theatrically-released film the company has been planning.

“Somehow, unbeknownst to us, The Big Bang Theory has really captured audiences, and continues to always pull in great viewer numbers,” said NBC CEO Mark Rutherford. “We have yet to figure out how such a God awful piece of shit show like Big Bang actually works, but it does, and we’re definitely going to cash in.”

The Big Bang Theory, which centers around a group of nerds and who make lame jokes about stupid, pseudo-science, is mostly unwatchable for people with actual taste, but appears to do well in the 18-25 age group, especially when you tie in the 18-25 year-olds who also smoke marijuana.

“We’ve placed the show in a prime time slot, not just for TV, but prime time for stoners,” said Rutherford. “We want these people to watch this crap, with its annoying laugh track and piss-poor comedy writing, because they’re bringing in the ratings. And ratings equal money. The more ratings, the more money, and the more money we’ll sink into crap like this in the future.”

Crap for the future is what NBC is banking on by creating what they say is a first in a “long line” of planned sitcoms turned into films.

“We cannot wait to finalized this deal with the Big Bang cast, and no doubt they will be excited to be the first from our NBC family to make the leap to the big screen,” said Rutherford. “There will be others that follow, assuming this piece of shit movie gets off the ground and makes the kind of money that this piece of shit show has.”

Gluten-Free Diets Causes ‘Bitchiness’ In People Who Don’t Need To Go Gluten Free

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

According to researchers at Cambridge Medial School, people who go “gluten-free” because they think it has added health benefits are far more prone to become bitchy and pretentious.

“Gluten-free diets are necessary for people with Celiac disease, or who have a gluten allergy,” said Dr. Richard Kimball of Cambridge. “For everyone else, it is a stupid, ego-centric fad, and it has no bearing on your health, except to say that it’s actually bad for you. Gluten is an essential part of everyone’s diet, and you should be eating it regularly.”

Kimball says that studies they have performed indicate that people who go gluten-free merely to be “in” or “hip” in the diet fads are more likely to become bitchy, or come across as pretentious to their friends and peers.

“Many people go gluten free, and think it’s cool, and they love to shove it in your face,” said Kimball. “They’ll tell you about their spin class, talk about yoga, and then casually mention how they’re gluten free and ‘feel great,’ when really going gluten free has nothing to do with that. You’ll no doubt want to punch them in their pretentious, bitchy face. I recommend that you do just that. Stop the cycle when you can.”

Gluten is so misunderstood, that a simple walk through the grocery store can prove exactly how stupid most consumers are about their food.

“Why am I seeing signs next to the chicken and pork in the meat department that says ‘gluten free’ on it?,” questioned Dr. Kimball. “Of course raw pork is gluten free. Do you people even know what gluten is? Read a damn book for crying out loud. And then stop being a pretentious bitch and just eat gluten. It’s fine, and it’s necessary for health.”

Facebook To Allow Pornographic Videos, Images To Be Uploaded By Adult Users

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PALO ALTO, California –

Facebook announced via memo this morning that they would begin allowing users who were over the age of 18 to upload pornographic and nude videos and images, a complete 180-degree turn from their previous stance on keeping their community nudity-free.

“We haven’t completely changed our stance on the matter, but we understand that people want to be able to upload things to our server, the largest photo and video website in the world, without fear of their content being flagged or removed,” said Facebook spokesman George Glass. “Starting on November 1st, we are implementing a new feature that will allow users who are over 18 to upload images and videos that previously would not have been allowed.”

Glass says that the service will automatically block people whose accounts are listed at under 18 from seeing the content, regardless of sharing status by the poster.

“We don’t want kids exposed to anything that might be considered pornographic, but at the same time, we know our adult users love some good T&A once in awhile,” said Glass. “We are rolling out this feature bit by bit, and everyone will have the ability to upload sexier, dirtier pictures by the beginning of next year.”

4-Year-Old Girl Recognized As Youngest Ever Confirmed Pregnancy

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

A 4-year-old girl who has been confirmed to be 4 weeks pregnant has been recognized by the World Health Organization as the youngest person ever to become with child, according to a spokesman for the WHO.

Amy Jones, 4, was confirmed to be pregnant by her pediatrician. Although the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are not clear, doctors say that it’s “not surprising” a child of that age could conceive.

“With all the hormones put in food and drinks these days by unscrupulous companies, it’s a wonder that babies couldn’t get pregnant,” said Dr. Emmett Fields of the Lexington Medical School. “Before this, the youngest child ever to become pregnant was 6-years-old, and she had turned 7 by the time the baby was born. It’s mind-boggling to think, but when it comes down to it, girls are experiencing puberty and younger and younger ages.”

Dr. Fields says that as times have progressed, children have hit their puberty cycles earlier and earlier. A recently as the 1940s, the average age of a boy or a girl hitting puberty was 12. As of this year, it’s 9.

“It’s staggering, really,” said Dr. Fields. “I am saddened by the developments, but excited at the prospect of working with this young girl as she goes through her pregnancy. It will be a first for everyone.”

Police who were contacted about the pregnancy say they are working with doctors to discover if there was any abuse, but so far say there is no evidence leading to that conclusion.

Family Loses House After Christmas Lights Cause Massive Fire

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BUXTON, Maine –

A family in Maine who decorated their house far, far too early for Christmas have reportedly lost everything after the lights they placed around their house caught fire, destroying the home in a massive blaze.

The Miller family of 35 Willow Lane in Buxton, Maine, say that every year at this time they decorate their house for the upcoming holiday season.

“Not for Halloween, though, that’s the Devil’s holiday,” said Mary Buxton, 42. “We skip the entire concept of Halloween and go right to Christmas. The beautiful lights, the colors, the fake snow. We love it. We always decorate for Christmas at the end of October.”

According to police, though, this year the Millers’ received a stroke of bad luck, after a string of Christmas lights the family hung outside blew, the sparks causing a fire that destroyed the home.

“Thankfully, no one was injured in the horrific blaze,” said fire chief Mike Pooler. “I will say, though, that this should be a lesson to everyone to not rush into the Christmas spirit. If you are decorating for Christmas now, I am of the opinion your house deserves to burn to the ground. I mean, I tried to save the home, but in the back of my mind I was thinking ‘Burn, you house of Christmas! Burn!'”

The Miller family says they are starting a GoFundMe page to try and raise money to replace the Christmas presents that were already inside the home under their stupid fake tree.

Former Cuban President Fidel Castro Dies In Skydiving Accident

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TRINIDAD, Cuba –

Former prime minister and Cuban president Fidel Castro has been killed, according to reports coming out of Cuba today.

“Mr. Castro was an avid skydiver, and liked to go many times throughout the year,” said a spokesman from within the Cuban government. “He reportedly was not able to deploy his parachute while jumping recreationally in Trinidad.”

Current Cuban president and socialist leader, Raul Castro, said that there will be a memorial service for Fidel Castro on Monday afternoon.

“As the impact to poor old Fidel’s body was too great, there is little to parade through our city squares,” said Raul Castro. “But, we will still be able to remember what a good person he was. Well, you know what I mean. He was okay, right? Anyway, a man has died. It is the only point that you cannot speak poorly of him.”

Fidel Castro, the former communist leader, was 88.

Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire –

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEXARKANA, Texas –

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

New Jersey Elementary School Has Halloween Parties Despite Criticism

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONGFELLOW, New Jersey –

The Longfellow Elementary School in New Jersey is taking some serious criticism from parents and religious groups, after they sent letters home with students indicating that they would have Halloween parties on Friday whether “parents liked it or not.”

“We have a vast array of students here, and not all of them come from families whose religious or conservative views make them boring, brainless, and complete sticks-in-the-mud,” read the letter written by school administrators. “We’ve had Muslims, Christians, and every other religion asking us to NOT have Halloween parties, and we think that is rubbish. Kids will be kids, and we want them to have some fun during the school day. If you don’t like it, keep your kid home.”

The administration is taking some heat for the move, with many parents saying that they don’t want their kid involved in the “Devil worship” that happens on Halloween.

“Most parents are pretty damn stupid, and that’s what this comes down to,” said school principal John Freemont. “Halloween is about fun for kids. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about witchcraft. For the kids, it’s about some candy and bobbing for apples. These parents who don’t want their kids to celebrate the holiday don’t have to send their kids to school. Of course if they don’t, they will have to come make up that day at the end of the year.”

Freemont says that any parent who has concerns about the holiday are welcome to call his office, where he says he has an answering machine already rigged up.

“It just tells them to kiss my school’s metaphoric ass,” said Freemont. “No one is taking away the fun from my students. Not even their parents.”