Michael Jackson’s Daughter Paris, 16, Confirms Pregnancy

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After much speculation, Michael Jackson’s 16 year old daughter, Paris, has confirmed that she is pregnant. The announcement comes in the wake of sightings of the teenage Jackson with a burgeoning belly, and recently raising a glass of water instead of wine during a dinner toast.

The child of the deceased singer stated that she had nothing to hide, and that teenage pregnancy is fine, as long as the parents are in love.

Regarding the father, Jackson made the shock announcement that Dr. Conrad Murray is the man who impregnated her. Murray was recently released from prison after 2 years for involuntary manslaughter in relation to the King of Pop’s death.

“I never knew Con while dad was alive,” said Paris. “While he was in prison, I went to speak to him, to find answers. It didn’t start out well. His first words to me were, ‘Hello Parise,” mispronouncing my name in a creepy tone of voice. After a while, he started to fascinate me. I saw the human being inside him.”

Prison authorities are now under pressure to explain how the underage Paris was permitted to sleep with the convict. Harold Pearson gave a press conference contradicting her admissions.

“Paris never entered the prison, let alone slept with the convict. Her words are the obvious delusions of a diseased mind. Such negligence would not occur in such a tightly run establishment. Besides, I’m a big fan of the King’s career. I treated Murray like shit while he was here.”

Despite Conrad Murray denying the accusation, Paris is sticking to her story.

“Of course he denies it. It’s statutory rape. But it happened, and I won’t be silent, as it’s a testament to how such good can come from a bad situation.”

Murray’s lawyer told sources that the doctor will be releasing a cover of the Michael Jackson hit, Billie Jean, replacing the titular character with the Paris’s name.

“He is the one,” Paris responded. “The kid, who I will be naming Comforter, is definitely his son.”

Apple to Release Screenless Macbook That Projects Visuals Directly Into User’s Brain

Posted on February 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Since CEO Tim Cook took on leadership roles at the company, fans of Apple have been underwhelmed by their new releases and updates. Critics constantly point out that little has changed in the smartphone market since the iPhone 4, and the Macbook has remained at the level of “just good.”

“Steve Jobs used to take flawless devices and make them better,” tech blogger, Robert Hobbes wrote. “But since 2011, we’ve been bored with gadgets that offer everything we could have wished for and more – will the next unimaginable novelty ever be released?”

Current Apple CEO, Tim Cook, answered that question today with a resounding yes. Cook was always going to have a hard time following the Jobs era, but his stock hit an embarrassing low after his cringeworthy excitement at the launch of the rather milquetoast Apple Watch. Now, however, he has come up with the next piece of technology to change the world.

“I have created the first screenless laptop!” he announced, the maniacal gleam in his eyes rivalling his predecessors greatest moments. The crowd roared in unison. “The public will never have to stare at a screen again. With the release of the Macbook ThinAir, the way we look at technology – or rather the way we don’t look at technology – will change forever.”

Apple’s website explained exactly how the product will work.

“The most advanced screenless technology to date is here,” it read. “The new Macbook ThinAir – named for the feature that the screen is made entirely of air which has been chemically depleted to be as lightweight as possible – will project the image straight from the processor into the user’s brain. The advantages of this new technology are far reaching. The average citizen will never have to use his or her eyes again. Instead, the Macbook will project visuals of the 360 surroundings of the individual, on which the content of the processor will be overlayed. Sounds and scents will be transmitted in the same way, making three of the five human senses superfluous.”

The Macbook ThinAir looks very much like the current Macbooks, except the screen area is just solid metal. In place of the standard webcam is the sensor that will input images directly into the brain of the user. ThinAir is expected to launch by the end of the year, with a price of $5000. A mouse will be available for purchase for $3000. A constant supply of $500 batteries will also reportedly be needed to retain clear eyesight, hearing and smell. Batteries, like all Apple products, will be aesthetically pleasing, available only from Apple, and will only ever be sold in single packs, with no discounts for bulk quantities.

Stephen King To Revolutionize Book Industry; New Novel To Be Printed Directly Onto Live Horses

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BANGOR, Maine –

Book critics have long been awaiting Stephen King’s next move. The horror master has long been seen as an innovator of unexpected novelties in modern day fiction. In 2000 he began an online serialization, which was the first of its kind. Later that year, he became the first popular author to publish a full-length story entirely in digital format.

With King’s recent announcement that he was working on something “never seen or even considered before,” the literary world has barely been able to contain its excitement. And on Thursday afternoon, the prolific author did not fail to disappoint.

“In just sixty days,” he announced on his website, “I will be releasing my next novel. It is a maudlin story about a young boy who learns to speak to animals, and uncovers a world of terror and madness within their tortured brains. In staying with the theme, the novel will be printed exclusively on live horses. Each copy will span the length of three full grown stallions, and will not be on sale. Readers will be able to buy access to ranches being built around the world specifically for publication of my novels.”

Publishing houses across the globe have hailed King’s revelation as a masterstroke. Thomas Bernstein, spokesperson for King’s longtime publisher Simon & Schuster, discussed with the press how the author came upon this piece of genius, and how it will change the literary world.

“I think everyone in the writing business will agree that the past decade has been hard on the industry,” he explained. “With internet piracy flourishing no matter what measures have been taken against it, revenue has dropped drastically, and an alternative needed to be found. We believe that Stephen has found the solution. No writing implements or digital devices will be allowed onto the ranches, so that unless the reader has a photographic memory, there is no chance he or she can create a copy of King’s works.”

While the response from the public has been mostly positive, Young Adult fiction writer and YouTube vlogger John Green, best known for his book The Fault In Our Stars, has heavily criticized the project.

“We’re in an age where literature is becoming widely available to those who, in the past, could not afford more than one book a year,” he complained on his YouTube channel. “Authors should not be so concerned about the money they make, and rather worry about getting their work out to as many readers as possible.”

As of this writing, John Green’s rant has garnered 14 million views – amounting to around $200,000 in advertising revenue.

Beyonce Releases Surprise Album of Herself, Jay-Z Singing Lullabies to Blue Ivy

Posted on February 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Fans of Beyonce were over the moon when, in December 2013, she released her surprise self-titled album. It went on to garner critical acclaim, with singles like “Drunk In Love” and “Flawless” considered among her best.

Early this morning, in collaboration with husband Sean “Jay-Z” Carter, Queen B suddenly dropped her latest release, “Bedtime With Blue.” It’s an experimental album that’s set to turn the music world on its head.

“Each track consists of a lullaby sung by me or Sean to Blue Ivy,” Beyonce explained. “After every song there is a few seconds recorded of Blue’s sounds and words.”

The implications of this is that Blue Ivy is credited on every composition. Already in 2012, the then 2-day-old’s cries were featured on Jay-Z’s hit, Glory, making her the youngest person ever to appear on a Billboard chart. Critics suggest that the popstar couple are attempting with this album to shoot their daughter to early stardom, accusations which Beyonce’s publicity team have swiftly denied.

“I think everyone can hear from the first single that this is far more than a publicity stunt,” said agent Zoe Jensen. “The family’s performance of “Rockabye Baby” [the first single released from the album] is revolutionary. To take a classic like that, sung by the best voice of our generation, with a rap by Jay-Z about himself, splitting the third verse and final chorus, is something that’s never been done. It will bring back childhood memories, giving you a glimpse of the success of the beloved couple in the process.”

The pair, who have for years kept their relationship and their daughter from the public eye, released a joint statement explaining their shift.

“We owe it to our fans to hear what goes on in our house at night,” they said, “if only for the reason that it’s something no one else will ever be able to replicate. We get to experience the joy of our voices combining in serenading the most important being in our lives, but the proletariat has always had to settle for their own toneless rendition of uninteresting tunes. Now, not only do they get to enjoy our talents, but their children get to grow up knowing what they can aspire to, always aware that it’s beyond their reach.”

Police Finding Suitcases Filled With Body Parts All Over San Francisco

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Police in San Francisco and surrounding cities are reporting gruesome findings of dismembered body parts left in suitcases in public places. The discoveries have been ongoing since a man was arrested in the Californian city for the very particular crime, sparking fears that this is the start of a wave of copycat murders.

“It’s terrifying to what lengths these people are willing to go,” said chief investigator, Michael Hereford. “Some of these body parts are decades old, have been dismembered for as long, and seemingly the perpetrators have all been waiting for a cue to leave them out in the public.”

After information emerged that all but the original incident had occurred in or around colleges and universities throughout the city, student group “Protesting for [Insert Cause Here!]” took on the mantle of rooting out the scourge that had shocked the nation.

“If we let this happen in our colleges, it will spread to the streets,” one member announced. “We plan on putting a stop to any more suitcases being left around here with bodies in them. It’s just messy. We aim to have as much, if not more, success with this campaign as we did with our last, against fluoride in our drinking water. Man, with that one, we even got a petition together and everything. Ah, the glory days.”

Further details have not been released to the public by police, but inside sources say that detectives are “at a loss” for who could possibly be cutting up so many bodies.

“It’s like, first of all – who has that many suitcases just laying around,” said Detective Joe Goldsmith of the SFPD. “Secondly, why leave them all over the city? Why not just throw all the bodies in a big pile somewhere? For God sake, you’re really making us work on this one. We’re not used to doing this much police work here.”

One individual not surprised about the lack of information is Golden Gate University student, Sophomore Lesley Thurgood.

“It’s those med students, I’m sure of it. They’re total sadists. I’ve seen them cutting up rats, and even cute little frogs, just for the fun of it. It was only a matter of time till they moved on to other humans. Sickos! Pure sickos!”

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More ‘Badass’

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

In response to confirmed drug use among some of their biggest stars, the UFC has reportedly encouraged its fighters to get arrested in an attempt to bring back some of their now-doubted “badassery”. The organization is primarily concerned about kids getting badly influenced.

“With the whole steroids debacle, young fans might begin to get cynical, thinking that the image of our fighters is fake,” said UFC CEO, Lorenzo Fertitta. “If we don’t do something, they’re gonna believe that true badass fighters don’t exist, and that they’re really just regular people on ‘roids. We owe it to those kids to prove that our fighters really are as hardcore as they look.”

Peta Samuels, chairperson of Parents Against Pussy Kids (PAPK), promised to put pressure on the UFC to follow through with their promises.

“MMA is one of our core activities,” she wrote in an open letter. “Now that these drug charges have come to light, the entire foundation on which our activism is based has been compromised. Usually we would keep quiet about the internal affairs of other enterprises, but it’s our children who are at stake. We need them to know that there are true badasses out there, that their heroes are not all pussies.”

Child psychologist, Luther Brown, agreed. “The current era is a difficult one for kids to grow up in. With corporal punishment on the way out, increased activism against gun laws, and a no tolerance policy towards bullying, they have very few role models who can teach them what we learned naturally from our own parents’ example. Professional fighters are all that is left.”

There is, however, a significant minority against the news. An anonymous member of Pussy Parents Against Aggressive Kids (PPAAK) leaked information to the press that the group planned to continue its fight against badassery. They are expected to hand out flyers in zones assigned to them by authorities, politely asking that UFC fighters rather set the example of being nice, family-oriented people, who their little pussies can look up to.

Man Sues Government For Right To Marry Dolphin

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Malcolm Brenner, the controversial subject of a documentary detailing his year-long love affair with a dolphin in the 70s, inspired a SeaWorld trainer to sue the government for the right to marry his new mistress, Sally. Carl Sanders, a SeaWorld trainer for over 20 years, says that Sally is a perfect specimen of Dolphin, the majestic sea creature considered to be the third most intelligent species in the world.

“Sally is obviously not her real name,” said Sanders in a press conference earlier this morning. “She is known in the dolphin world as Eeeeeee eee eeee ee. Sally is what her human captors called her, as if she wasn’t important enough to dignify learning the correct pronunciation and intonation.”

Reporters asked him why he had a preference for dolphins, what was so special about Sally, and if he thought he could win this thing.

“Firstly, dolphins have a really tight and wet orifice,” he responded. “That’s usually perk number one to any good relationship. Secondly, they’re smart and witty, are always smiling, and can sing me to sleep. Secondly, Eeeeeeeeee eee eeee ee just has a personality that fits with mine, and she’s the most attractive specimen I’ve met. I know that all dolphins look the same to you bigots, but I for one can tell the difference.”

Naturally, reporters began circling the question that was on everyone’s mind – whether or not Sanders thought he could win in court, and marry “Sally.”

“Do I think I can win? Stranger things have happened. Why should two lovers not be allowed to wed? Marriage inequality is a throwback to the undemocratic days of America – which already ended over a decade ago.”

Professional homophobe, Rush Limbaugh, gave a long diatribe against Sanders on his radio side-project.

“I knew this would happen!” he shouted. “When they gave the homosexuals the right to marry, I knew it was only a matter of time till they allowed bestiality. Those liberals think they can have sex with anything that has a hole. Soon they’ll be raping water-pipes!”

Probable Democrat Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, was overheard saying to Vice-President Joe Biden, “I sort of want it to happen, just so we get to see what their kids look like.”

Anderson Silva Banned From UFC After Failing Drug Test

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Fans of the UFC’s Anderson Silva are in shock after reports that the fighter tested positive for steroids. The news came after months of speculation and denials, and could be a nail in the coffin of one of the sport’s biggest stars.

“I was not aware that this sort of behavior was happening in our sport,” said UFC commentator Paul Manson. “I know about the whole Lance Armstrong thing, but that’s in cycling. Everyone does it in cycling. But this? I can’t think of a single rational reason why a pro fighter would dope. I think that’s why they’ve banned him for life – because this is so shocking to everyone, and they really need to set an example.”

Lifelong fan of Silva, Mickey Peterkofsky, believes his hero will bounce back from the charges.

“Andy never did drugs,” the twelve year old whined. “He doesn’t need to because he’s the strongest man in the world, ever. And if you don’t believe that, you’re stupid.”

The charges have led to a lifetime ban that signals the end of Silva’s career. Silva, however, continues to deny culpability.

“I beat Nick Diaz,” the Brazilian said. “That’s the problem. I beat him and he can’t take it like a man. So he set me up. He must’ve injected that shit in me during that slumber party he hosted. I knew it was dumb to accept an invitation from a rival, but he seemed so sincere about it at the time. We had so much fun play-wrestling that night, I can’t believe he did that to me.”

When it was pointed out to Silva that Diaz, too, had failed his drug test, the now ex-pro stated, “Okay, so maybe those brownies I brought him had a little pot in them. Maybe he injected me with roids in retaliation. But the point is, I didn’t dope, and I will never be able to trust another so-called ‘friend.’”

Nick Diaz, when asked for comment, said, “I’m thankful for what was a dick move on his part. I’d forgotten the joys of recreational marijuana, but now I see that it’s far better than a successful UFC career. Everybody just gotta chill.”

Jackson 5 Reunite for American Tour Featuring Bruno Mars, Michael Jackson Hologram

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In news that will excite music fans from the 60s-through-80s, the remaining members of the Jackson 5 have announced that they will reunite, touring with Bruno Mars on lead vocals, as well as a hologram of deceased member Michael Jackson.

“We’re all very excited about this,” said Jermaine Jackson, who has only recently re-entered the music scene. “Once Michael died, we thought it was over. And when Randy vowed never to sing with us again, it seemed all but impossible. But Michael is still with us, if only technologically, and Bruno could pass for one of us. Yeah, he’s not really black, but white people won’t know the difference. Never have before.”

Michael Jackson’s hologram, in its first ever statement to the press, agreed with Jermaine’s assessment.

“Back in the day there were purists, who only wanted to hear the original five,” the Hologram said. “Those people are all either dead or too old to care. I’m the only one that people remember by now, anyway. Even I can’t remember the others’ names offhand – I have to search the database Google installed in place of a mind every time I need to make reference to them.”

Bruno Mars blogged his excitement at the privilege of joining the five, saying that he believed it was down to the success of Mark Ronson’s smash hit, “Uptown Funk.”

“I look so cool in that video. I watch it every day, checking out the moves I never knew I had. The King of Pop himself would be envious, if his hologram could experience human feelings.”

The five are expected to start touring in early May, following the three months necessary to teach the hologram to moonwalk.

Taylor Swift Incites New Feud Between Rival Gangs Crips, Bloods

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

A long list of Taylor Swift’s ex-lovers has been leaked onto the internet, inciting renewed fighting between rival West Coast gangs, the Bloods and Crips. The tally included high percentages from the combined 60,000 members of both gangs, and as such, each gang considers Taylor to be their ‘territory’. Immense revenge attacks are being waged, leading to concerns over deaths of innocent bystanders.

“Lots of gang members from both sides, all of whom allegedly slept with Swift at some point, have been killed,” reported eyewitness news correspondent, Lisa Mcintosh. “The numbers of civilian deaths is not as yet known, but many people are speculating that the number could be in the triple digits.”

Unsubstantiated rumors suggest that celebrities who have been involved with the “Blank Space” singer have found asylum in police safehouses until the hostilities die down. Professional fame-by-association junkie, Harold Horvath, told reporters that his own evidence suggests this to be true.

“I’ve had no sightings of John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, Harry Styles, or Cory Monteith in days,” he explained. “Neither have any of my vast network installed in popular celebrity restaurants, outside their houses, or even at Victoria Secrets fashion shows.”

Taylor Swift released a statement in response to the bloodshed. It read, “I am shocked and horrified of the war being waged on my account. However, I refuse to harbor the blame.”

Friends of the singer agreed that she’s doing really well to shake it off.

“You can’t blame her for who she sleeps with,” said Claire Kowakian. “Except for Taylor Lautner. She has no excuse for that one. I mean, who wants to sleep with someone who shares the same first name? When he’s crying out your name in bed, how can you be sure he’s not just super vain? I’m just glad that all this ex-lover stuff might actually give her useable fodder for a new hit song.”

Members of both the Crips and Bloods have independently stated that the feud could soon be over as, “everyone seems united in the belief that Taylor is insane.”