Woman Dies After Overdosing On Gluten

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

AURORA, Colorado –

Beth Riens, 32, of Aurora, Colorado, died Sunday morning from what doctors are saying is the first case of a gluten overdose.

According to family and friends, Riens lived a very healthy life. She frequently ran, did yoga, and stayed to a specific diet. Friends of Reins tell Empire News that she recently began to eat gluten products again after almost a year of staying away from them.

“She was a very healthy person and I can’t believe she is gone. Beth had been gluten-free for about a year now, until we continued to rib her, because she didn’t have a gluten allergy or sensitivity,” said Riens’ best friend, Jennifer Robbins. “She just got hooked on stupid fad diets, and for some reason thought that ‘going gluten free’ would make her healthier. Turns out, in her case, it was better for her.”

“I’ve been eating gluten products all of my life and I feel completely normal, like most people,” said Reins’ sister-in-law, Carla Reins. “I wish I hadn’t been part of the group to tease her into eat foods with gluten again. I feel somewhat responsible for this, to be perfectly honest. Of course, I may have gotten her back on the stuff, but I didn’t hand her the loaf of whole grain bread that ended it for her, either.”

After examining the body, doctors confirmed that Reins was taking in way too much gluten. Since her body wasn’t used to the amount of intake, it slowly began to shut down, forcing her into cardiac arrest and shortly after, death. According to friends, Reins was eating entire boxes of pasta, cereals, and multiple loaves of bread in a day.

“Beth never did anything half-assed,” said Robbins. “She cut out gluten cold-turkey one day last year, and then last week just decided to get off that stupid wagon, and join us smart people again. Of course, she did it by buying out entire shelves of J.J. Nissen pastries and Wonderbread, but like I said – she never went in half-assed.”

Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

MESA, Arizona –

An 8-year-old boy will be facing life behind bars if found guilty of an attempted murder charge. The boy, Bryan Mills, was arrested at his elementary school early Monday afternoon, during a designated snack time. According to his teacher, Bryan shared his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fellow classmate, who happens to be deathly allergic to peanuts.

The school has a strict no-peanut policy that all students and parents are made aware of at the start of every year, and Bryan happened to have shared his “illegal” sandwich with the wrong boy.

The classmate, Joey Goldsmith, age 7, was taken immediately to a nearby hospital and was last listed as being in critical condition. Joey’s parents, Maureen and Gilbert Goldsmith, are claiming that all his classmates knew their son had a severe allergy, and that Bryan was out to get him.

“My son almost died, right there in that stupid school, because of one of his classmates. I won’t stand watching a potential murderer get any type of special treatment because of his age. I think he was jealous that our son didn’t invite him to his birthday party, and this is why he tried to kill him,” said Maureen Goldsmith.

According to a lawyer for the Goldsmiths, they feel that the Bryan is “crazy,” and will continue to share his lunch with other classmates with serious allergies. “Apparently this isn’t his first time in trouble for sharing food,” said Gilbert Goldsmith. “We also found at that last year, he shared a chocolate bar with a kid who was allergic to cocoa. Thankfully, a teacher caught that potential assault or murder before it could happen.”

Police are now investigating how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich made it into the elementary school with a full ban in effect. Theories range from the child smuggled it into the school, to his parents simply forgetting the rules and packing it for him for lunch.

Gym Teacher Arrested for Assault After Knocking Out a Student in Dodgeball

Posted on January 25, 2015 by JP

TAYLOR, Pennsylvania –

A Pennsylvania gym teacher is in custody today, after witnesses claim he assaulted one of his students during his class. Mike O’Mally, 38, has been teaching at the school for over 10 years and has never had any previously reported conduct incidents.

According to police, the alleged assault took place during a morning gym class on Friday, but O’Mally is claiming that he didn’t mean to harm his student.

“I asked the kids what game they wanted to play, and they all agreed on dodgeball,” said O’Mally. “We began to play and the kids were having a blast, I was sitting on the sidelines at first, but then the kids started asking me to play so I decided to jump into the game. I started off playing slow and not really given much energy. Then one student began to get very cocky with me, and even started calling me names. I don’t usually lose my temper since I deal with kids all day, and I know I should have gone about this another way, but I lost control.”

Other pupils in the class say that O’Mally hit the student with the dodgeball directly in the face, causing him to fly backwards and knock his head against the wall. The nurse was called, but as school nurses are the least-trained medical staff there is, they immediately took the unnamed, injured student to a nearby hospital. He had 10 staples in his head and is suffering from a concussion.

“I do feel terrible, but I can’t take back what I did. I hope the kid will be okay and I’m sure he at least learned a lesson from this, in that it isn’t wise to run your mouth, especially to adults. Obviously that kid is having a really bad upbringing at home. But hey, on the bright side, hits to the face in dodgeball are an automatic out, so technically he got me out, and his team won the game!”

O’Mally’s lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that he does not expect for his client to do any jail time. “He may have hit the boy with the ball in anger, but they were still playing a game, and it’s not really that uncommon for a gym teacher’s balls to end up in the face of a student anyway. We don’t expect he will serve any punishment for this crime.”

Major Grocery Store Chains Recalling All Milk; Dairy Companies Charged With Using Milk From Rodents

Posted on January 25, 2015 by JP

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Get ready for a drastic shortage in milk through the country. It was announced today by the Calcium Benefits Coalition that most milk will be pulled from grocery stores all over America, after recent testing has confirmed that several major milk manufacturers have been caught cutting their milk with the milk of female rats.

The horrifying news hit the internet after a routine health inspection at a very well-known dairy factory. An inspector reported he found a door that the company claimed was an empty closet, but once he finally got inside he couldn’t believe what he found.

“Inside was a milking ground of up to 1,000 female rats, chipmunks, and ferrets. They were all very pregnant, and they had tiny little milking devices strapped to their tiny little teats,” said the anonymous health inspector. “The company, which the CBC and the US Department of Health are refusing to identify at this time, claimed they were just ‘running tests’ on the benefits of the rat milk. A bovine milk-purity test found, though, that milk being distributed was 67% rat milk.”

Health inspectors for the USDA, the CBC, and the US Department of Health were tasked to check all other major milk distribution companies, and tests showed that almost 90% of all the major dairy companies in the United States have been infusing their regular cow milk with rodent milk.

For now, a recall is in effect for milk, but other dairy products will still be shipped and sold. Pretentious vegans across the country are calling this a “huge win” for their side, and yet one more reason that people should stay away from animal products.

Canadian Prime Minister Threatens Attack On U.S.

Posted on January 22, 2015 by JP

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada –

With the United States facing random threats from countries all over the world, it appears we may have overlooked our close neighbor. Officials in Canada’s war room have announced they will attack the United States if they continue to be ignored.

Reports indicate that Canada has attempted to speak with the United States, specifically with President Obama, about many different issues that they are facing. Healthcare, the war overseas, and illegal immigration are just a few. With so much on America’s lap, it appears that they have ignored they request and Canada is not happy.

“For the entire life of this country, we have been there for the United States. Whether it be as a safe haven for their draft-dodging citizens, or as folly for their comedy on South Park. A man can only be pushed to far before he begins to get angry,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We as a nation are getting a lot of backlash from the choices of the American government, and all we asked for was a sit down to discuss how we could end this. Now, we aren’t some noisy neighbors, but enough is enough! We’ve got dozens of people signing up with our military for a potential attack. We would be ready. Never count out Canada, eh!”

President Obama has yet to make an announcement about the issue, but U.S. government officials find it “adorable” that Canada thinks they could possibly stand a chance in attacking.

“Canada is our friend, and they will cool down in no time,” said former President Bill Clinton. “In no way, shape, or form do I think they are being serious about this – they just want to be heard. Canada has always been like the child who can’t get his way, and makes idle threats about ‘taking the ball and going home,’ as it were. I understand some backlash they may be getting from our troubles, but come on now. The only country more laid-back than Canada is Sweden.”

Prime Minister Harper has announced that he will give it 10 weeks before he attacks if he isn’t provided a sit-down with President Obama. “If I get all the way to the ninth week with no response, I will be forced to countdown with warnings. Nine…Nine and a half….Nine and three-quarters. The United States does not want to make us angry,” said Harper.

Scientist Says Hawaii Has Moved Closer To Continental US; Expects State To Hit Within 30 Years

Posted on January 17, 2015 by JP

HONOLULU, Hawaii –

Have you ever wanted to take a trip to Hawaii but hate flying? Well, in about 30 years, you’ll be able to easily drive there, according to geographical research scientist Matt Gantt. In a study that Gantt has been leading for the last 10 years, the geological scientist says that they have found that the entire main island of Hawaii has slowly, but surely, moved closer to the coast of California.

The study began after geologists set to work mapping out the islands, and while doing so, noticed that the numbers didn’t add up to an older map, and that the main section of Hawaii had seemingly moved closer to the mainland continental United States. 5 years later, they checked again, and again the found the islands to have drifted closer. In 2015, the study indicated a total movement of nearly 100 miles.

“At the rate it is going, it looks as though Hawaii will become part of the continental states within the next 30 years,” said Gantt. “We are currently researching ways to stop this, but so far my team and I coming up empty. Our main hope is to find a way to do so before it hits the coast, which could potentially cause major disasters and coastal flooding.”

Gantt says that if they are unable to stop Hawaii from drifting, it could also cause a huge climate change for not only the islands, but also for anyone on the west coast. Fear of wild life extinction and severe weather, among other things, is a top priority for Gantt and his team as they work to change what they say is, at this point, an inevitability.

“We have considered many options, but so far nothing has worked on paper, and with movement on such a massive scale, we need to plan thoroughly before acting. At this point, it would seem our best option may be to just get giant anchors and hang them off the edges of the islands. It might be our only way to stop, or slow, the movement.”

Congress Looks To Pass Legislation Allowing One Day Per Year That Immigrants Can Legally Cross Border Into US

Posted on January 16, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Illegal immigration has been a problem to the United States for several decades. As a nation founded my immigrants, we once welcomed people from all over the world to proudly call America their home. Now, with so many illegal immigrants sneaking into the United States, it has become more of a hot button issue than ever, further dividing the political parties.

Safeguards have been put into place to stop the rapid flow of illegal immigrants coming into America, but with all the manpower, programs, and arrests, congress says that the economy is suffering either way; If an immigrant finds their way in and maintains a job, a legal citizen is losing money. If they get caught, it takes hours of time and thousands of taxpayer dollars to make sure they are deported. A vicious circle that appeared would never end, may be meeting its fate this upcoming year.

Congress has reportedly begun work on new legislation, under which immigrants would be allowed to come to the United States without facing jail time or being deported, the caveat being that it would only be on one specific day each year, with the remainder of the year following the standard deportation laws.

Lawmakers say that their theory behind the change is that the strong workforce of immigrants that will make it across the border one day per year can and will contribute greatly to our society. The legislation would rule that once in the United States, the aliens would register with their existing country’s identification, and be given a temporary green card, with the expectation they are able to find work, and maintain a job for at least 6 months. At the end of the 6 months, a specific form would need to be filled out by the immigrant’s employer, with information about whether or not they are considered a “vital employee.”

Lawmakers say that once the forms are filled out and checked by the state and federal governments, immigrants would be granted full citizenship. The whole process takes approximately 9 months. Immigrants who are not deemed to be of sufficient use to their employers would be deported.

Cowboys Organization Fined For Sending Referees A ‘Thank You’ Basket After Beating Detroit Lions

Posted on January 13, 2015 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

America’s team is making national sports news once again, after it was reported that the team is being charged with major fines from the NFL. The Dallas Cowboys pulled what the NFL Commission is calling a ‘cocky stunt’ after their play-off game against the Detroit Lions. The game involved what many people, including die-hard Cowboys haters, one of the worst play calls in sports history.

Referee Pete Morelli was officiating the game, and took back a crucial pass interference flag. If the play was held, the Lions would have been in scoring position, probably winning the game, and moving forward in the playoffs. Because of the call reversal, the Cowboys were put into a better position, and ended up taking the game from the Lions.

Fans speculated that Morelli was being paid off and he helped the Cowboys win the game. Normally, accusations like those happen mostly by big-mouthed internet trolls and random sports anchors, but in the end, fans understand that those are just accusations, or sports-related conspiracy theories.

In this case, though, referee Pete Morelli received a ‘Thank You’ basket, put together and sent by the Dallas Cowboys management. The gifts were said to be very expensive, including a gold and diamond watch, a 120-year-old bottle of bourbon, a cruise for 2 to the Bahamas, and the keys to a brand new Tesla Model S. A card that came with the items simply read “Thanks for giving us the game. We definitely couldn’t have done it without you. Love, Dallas.”

Morelli’s lawyer suggested he hand the gifts over to the NFL commission to avoid any chance of reprimand from the NFL. He did so, and the commission is investigating the incident, with possible major fines being levied on the Dallas owners.

2-Week-Old Baby Stuns Medical Community; Speaks In Full Sentences, Has Perfect English Skills

Posted on January 11, 2015 by JP

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Two weeks ago, Carly Willis, 34, gave birth to a healthy baby boy she named Matthew. Born happy and healthy, the story takes an amazing turn, after it is being reported that the 2-week-old is already speaking, and in full sentences and perfect English.

Willis says she was in the living room of her home the day that she brought Matthew back from the hospital, and heard someone speaking in Matthew’s room down the hall.

“I was watching television in the living room after I put Matthew to bed. I started to drift off a bit myself, and at first I thought the noises were just the TV show I was watching. I awoke to someone screaming ‘Help me! Hey, I need some help in here!’ It scared me because it was coming from my son’s room,” said Willis. “I thought someone was in there with him.”

Willis says that when she went into his room, Matthew had a full diaper, and was asking her to help by changing him.

“I put a new diaper on him, and then he breathed out, like a huge sigh of relief, then said ‘Thanks, Mommy!’ I almost fainted, but I thought it’d be best to take him back to the hospital to make sure he was okay.”

Doctors at Huntsville Children’s Hospital were in shock to see Matthew speaking, and all say it is the most amazing thing that they’ve ever seen.

“I’ve been a doctor for over 15 years, and this is the most insane thing that I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Ann Pooler. “Little Matthew speaks perfectly, in full sentences, with just a slight Southern drawl. It’s really kind of cute. He’s a little miracle.”

Representatives for the hospital say that they are working with specialists from around the world to better understand Matthew’s ability, and hope to find out how he is able to communicate so well at such a young age.

Kim Jong Un Admits He Loved ‘The Interview,’ Plans To Show The Film To North Korean People

Posted on January 9, 2015 by JP

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Continuing with the controversy surrounding the new release of the movie The Interview, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has said that he was wrong to have publicly debased the film, and that after watching the movie, found it to be “hysterical.”

Sony had initially pulled the movie from theatres after backing down due to terrorist threats, and the world let out a collective angry scream as they wouldn’t get a glimpse at why this movie was considered to be too dangerous to show. Shortly afterwards, though, the company reversed their decision, and allowed the film to be screened at any theatre wishing to show it, as well as releasing it through streaming media services such as YouTube and XBox Media Center.

“Having now been able to actually see the movie, his supreme ruler Kim Jong un has reversed his previous statements about it, and now deems it to be something the world should see, as he believes it makes him look very human,” said a publicist for Jong un. “The movie will even be shown in North Korea, albeit cut to promote our Supreme Leader as the hero and God that he is.”

Kim Jong un claims that the only reason he ever denounced the film was that he was angry that producers had never sent him a copy for review, and he had never even been given the chance to see it. Once the movie was made available publicly, he made time to watch and review the movie.

“Supreme Leader has said that he is glad that someone made him a bootleg copy of the film for him to see,” said the publicist. “Kim Jong un is an avid movie fan, and loves Hollywood cinema. He also wishes to be able to receive further screener copies of movies so as he can begin work on his new movie review website for the North Korean people, ‘SupremeLeaderWatchesMoviesBecauseYouCannot.com'”