Kanye West Arrested After Breaking Into Beck’s House; Attempted To Steal His Grammy

Posted on February 14, 2015 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California-

Cops arrested Kanye West late Friday night after he was caught breaking and entering into musician Beck’s California home. Police were called to the scene after a security system went off in the home, and West was found with his leg stuck in a window he has smashed out. An ambulance was called to take West to the hospital.

Both West and Beck have been in the news lately due to a interruption Kanye made while Beck was receiving an award at the Grammys. West made it clear that he felt that Beck didn’t deserve to win the award, and while Beck appeared to laugh it off, Kanye began to ramble off into a frenzy of anger attacking the music industry.

Beck has yet to comment on the break-in at his home, but his manager has said that Beck will not be filing any charges. Kanye did tell police that he was there to retrieve Beck’s Best Album of the Year trophy, which he truly believed that Beyoncé deserved.

“I’m a man I handle my business and when I have a job to do I get it done,” said West. “I have to protect Beyoncé’s pride, and she deserved that award, not Beck. Who the hell is Beck, anyway?”

After he was released by police, West made a statement to the press about his feelings on the current state of the music industry.

“Music is dying and we need to have some real artist to bring it back to life. It’s all about glamor and money these days, and that isn’t what a true artist should be doing. Beyoncé is an artist in her craft and that’s why I respect her, music should be about how we inspire people, not by how the industry makes a fast buck off advertisement. Also, while I have you here, check out my clothing line, my wife Kim’s new book, and my new album that will be dropping soon,” said West

California Man Dies After GPS Directs Him Off Cliff

Posted on February 12, 2015 by JP

ANAHEIM, California –

Investigators are still looking into a car accident that happened Tuesday evening, but initial reports say police believe that the crash could have been avoided if it wasn’t for a faulty GPS navigation system. Carl Povaromo, age 34, died Tuesday after driving his car off a cliff in Anaheim.

Weather in the city being perfect and clear, the fact that there were no brake marks in the road, and no alcohol or drugs found in Povaromo’s system, the accident was first declared a suicide. It wasn’t until police found a GPS system in the car that they realized the cause was due to negligence behind the wheel.

“We were able to use the navigation system to re-trace the route of Mr. Povaromo,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “The route that he had been traveling before the crash was right along the edge of a very high cliff, and the GPS had told him to ‘turn right,’ and unfortunately Mr. Povaromo took the instructions literally, immediately turning right, and driving off into the ravine.”

Police are unsure at the moment if the GPS had a glitch in its system, or if the road packet in the unit had never been updated. Either way, police on the scene told Empire News that they often have people use their GPS as an excuse to get out of tickets for traveling on dangerous, unfinished roads, or the wrong way down one-lane or one-way roads.

“You should always pay attention to the road and not your navigation system,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, you have to be just straight staring at your GPS to go flying off a cliff to your death like a moron. People get so caught up staring at these navigation systems, it is ridiculous. They talk to you for a reason, and you never should take your eyes off the road.”

The company that distributes the GPS, called Let’s Roam! claims they have never had a problem like this before. “We test all of our systems, and update maps as often as possible. We’d like to give our deepest sympathies and condolences to the Povaromo family. We are sorry to hear that Carl has passed away, but we are very happy that he chose one of our GPS units to lead him to those pearly gates in the sky.”

Teenage Girl Dies After Holding In Farts During School Dance

Posted on February 10, 2015 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

Parents and students at St. Petersburg high school are in shock and tears today after the news of the death of 16-year-old Katy Campbell. Campbell, a junior at St. Petersburg, died while attending a school dance, and the county coroner is claiming her death could have easily been avoided.

According to Dr. Joe Goldsmith of the St. Petersburg Medical Examiner’s Office, Campbell’s stomach imploded, and she died during the high school Winter Wonderland Dance.

“Katy died due to a large amount of built-up methane gas in her stomach,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, we believe she was holding in a bad case of stinky flatulence, this causing her stomach and bowels to rupture. If she had just broken that wind, she would still be here today.”

Police investigators are ruling the death accidental, and say no foul-play is suspected. “Basically, Katy Campbell had the biggest date of her life, and apparently her parents, who are vegans, forced her to eat a giant plate of beans, kale, and spinach before she was picked up,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the St. Petersburg Police Department. “She tried desperately to hold in her gas so she would not be laughed at by her hunky jock date. Sadly, it ended her life. The parents have been through enough, so we will not be charging them as accessories, despite forcing the horrible meal onto poor Katy.”

“I wish she had just run off into the bathroom, or a dark corner somewhere, and just let that fart go,” said Katy’s date, Bob Eakafe. “I mean hell – I farted a couple times while we were dancing. Don’t think anyone noticed. Poor Katy, she probably thought she did it. It’s depressing really, because now I have no one to take to the spring dance next month.”

In lieu of flowers, Katy’s parents request donations be made to your local natural gas company.

Uber Driver Charges A Passenger $14,000 For A Two Block Ride

Posted on February 9, 2015 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A women is attempting to sue the driving services company Uber after she claims she was charged way too much for a short drive. Melissa Green, age 26, is furious with the company, and claims she will go bankrupt because of them.

The incident occurred on a rainy day in Philadelphia, when Melissa was walking to work and forgot her umbrella. She noticed on her Uber app that their was a driver on the same block as her, and decided to get a fast ride to work. What happened next she says she never saw coming.

“I just jumped in the car and told the driver I was just a few blocks down. I was soaked, and in a rush to make it to work on time. I had him swipe my card and asked the total, he said it would only be ‘about 14.’ That’s a little higher than normal for a short drive, but as I said, I really needed to get to work quickly,” said Green.

The next day she got a call from her bank, asking if she noticed any unusual activity in her account, and they informed her that she had over drafted by several thousand dollars.

“When they told me this, I thought my identity was stolen – until they told me that the big charge was for Uber – $13,850. The banker even laughed, and said that I must have taken a very long trip. I told them it was mistake, and they told me they would contact the company,” said Green. “They figured maybe the driver punched in the wrong amount, trying to charge $13.85.”

Unfortunately for Green, Uber claims it was no mistake, and that when they contacted the driver, he had assured them that he explained the charge in advance.

“Drivers are allowed to charge whatever they’d like, and at that moment, I felt like charging that uppity-bitch a ton of money,” said the anonymous driver. “She was rude, hopped into my car soaking wet, talked on her phone the whole time in a loud, obnoxious voice, and then had the audacity to not even say thank you. She’s lucky I didn’t charge her more.”

Green is currently taking the company to court in hopes that the issue will be resolved.

“It is ridiculous, if you can’t trust a random person with your money then who can you trust?” said Green. “Needless to say, he’s only getting a 2-star review from me. Despite the charge, he did come really quickly. He also drives a Lexus. Extra star for class, I always say.”

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Posted on February 8, 2015 by JP

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April

Posted on February 6, 2015 by JP

LOS GATOS, California –

The massive movie streaming company Netflix is making a bold business decision, as they have decided to stream adult, erotic entertainment along with their slew of television shows and movies. The decision was made after executives began realizing that the market, although saturated on the web, was lacking on any streaming video service.

While the company has said previously that it was not their intent, Netflix did almost single-handedly take down video rental stores like Blockbuster, leaving consumers with a void for acquiring pornography.

“We are sorry-not-sorry that we killed the video stores across the country,” said Netflix CEO Gary Redbox. “Because we destroyed the way that a lot of consumers rented their porn, we have decided to replace that service by offering adult fare through our streaming service, in a new section called Netflixxx. From the comfort of ones own home, any customer of Netflix will be able to watch classic porn titles such as The Balls and The Beautiful, Schindler’s Fist, and How To Fuck A Mockingbird starring Gregory Pecker. These titles and more, at no extra streaming cost.”

While the pornography business is a billion dollar industry, even as most users find it free via the internet, several people in the adult industry are saying that they feel this is a great idea, and that any way that people can see their finished product is better for their bottom line.

“We certainly make a lot of titles. Not all of them are classics like The Cockfather, but even our compilation pornos are really sexy,” said adult filmmaker Dick Hardson. “People don’t seem to realize this, but Netflix pays out millions upon millions of dollars to film studios for the rights to show their movies. Now, Netflix is going to have to pay the porno industry millions – which means we can make way more movies! Hell, it only takes about 6 or 7 hours from first scene to fully complete film, so with this kind of money, we can make hundreds of movies a week!”

Netflix says that they expect the pricing for the customers to stay the same, or possibly even be lowered, as thousands of new customers are anticipated to sign up once the list of available porn titles is released.

NBC Launches Remake Of Popular Sitcom ‘Friends’ Aimed At African-Americans, Show To Be Titled ‘My Niggas’

Posted on February 6, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC has announced today that they will be doing an ‘altered remake’ of one of their most popular sitcoms to date. The new show will be loosely based off their hit show Friends, and is tentatively titled My Niggas.

The show will include a cast made up entirely of African-Americans, and will have the same structure as the original Friends sitcom but with what executives are calling “a little more edge.”

“The show will also still be based in New York, but no one wants to watch upper-middle class white douchebags anymore,” said NBC spokesman Dennis Belding. “This show will take place in the ghetto, a much harsher area. What we want to do is bring ‘,’humor out of the hood and show the American people that no matter what color skin you have, we all have our friends, or in this case, you got your niggas.”

Casting is currently under production, and while they report the show’s main stars will be African-Americans, they will have a feature white character appear on the show down the line, if the show is a success.

“Just like Jim Carey kicking some ass on In Living Color back in the day, you know?” said Belding. “This isn’t about cutting out one race or another, it’s about setting a comedy in a place where there normally isn’t very much laughter. There also aren’t too many white people there, either. We’ve updated everything to be more ‘black.’ So no more coffee shop, now the hangout is the check-cashing place on the corner. And the apartments aren’t going to be bright and nice, either. This is a sitcom based on the ‘real ‘hood,’ for sure.”

The creator of the original Friends sitcom is excited to bring back the essence of a classic NBC, show while also bringing new life to a major company. “I can tell you right now, My Niggas is going to be the hottest show on TV this fall. You wait and see,” said David Swan. “Oh, and don’t worry about the name. It’s cool, because it’s Niggas, and not, well, you know. That other version.”

Casting continues on the show until the end of February, and the show begins filming in April. Producers have already said that after the show takes off, President Obama is more than welcome to join the show as a recurring cast member once his presidency ends next year.

Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family’s Basement, Admits to Cops He’d Been There For 10 Years

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LAREDO, Texas –

A family was in shock to find a homeless man sleeping in the basement of their Laredo, Texas home late Tuesday night. The man, who has been identified by police as Carl Noon, is being charged with breaking and entering along with other minor offenses.

Homeowner Tim Henry says that he and his family have lived in the house for about 14 years. “I tell you, finding that man sleeping in his basement was enough to scare the hell out of me, but when I found out later that he told police that he’d been living down there for over 10 years, I nearly passed out.”

“Well, I mean, I did hear noises downstairs a lot, but I always thought it was the dryer or heater kicking on,” said Tim’s wife, Julie. “Tim said that it was nothing. He put some mouse traps down there, but really it wasn’t ever that concerning. This is just too much to believe.”

Police are continuing to question Noon to see if he had actually been staying there for as long as he says he had. So far, they say there is no evidence to dispute in him making this claim.

“He has no reason to lie about it,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Laredo Police Department. “I’ve heard of this kind of thing before. They call it ‘frogging,’ I believe, which is a more insane version of ‘squatting,’ where you move into an abandoned or empty home. ‘Frogging’ is where people will sneak into your house and live, secretly, with you and your family.”

Noon told officers he thought the house was empty, originally, as at the time the Henry family had been on vacation. When they returned, he says he planned on leaving, but when no one noticed he was there, he just stayed. After only a short time, he become aware of the family’s schedule, and would shower an eat while they were at work and school.

“I always thought that someone had been eating my cookies and milk,” said Tim Henry. “I punished the kids so many times, thinking they were lying about it. Guess I owe them an apology!”

If convicted, Noon faces 6 months to 1 year in jail.

Food Study Shows Papa John’s Pizza Crust, Boxes Have Identical Ingredients

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Papa John’s is known for its fast, cheap, and convenient pizza, and it’s obnoxious commercials that always prominently feature owner and founder John Schnatter. The company has been all over the media in recent years, facing controversy over poor wages and their stance on healthcare for employees.

Although the media scrutiny has worn off in the last several months, it looks as though it’s set to rise again. After a recent food study, performed by world-renowned doctors and scientists, it was discovered that Papa John’s pizza and take-out boxes are made from the same ingredients.

During a test on their sauces, cheese, and dough, scientists found that the company has been cutting corners by using recycled pizza boxes as a base for their product. The scientists were initially hired by Papa John’s, working with the company to help create a new pizza dough recipe.

Dr. Tom Matosaus claims that when bringing up the problem to CEO John Schnatter, he denied all claims. “He’s in some serious denial, I tell you. He went on and on about how their company had the best pizza crust in the entire nation, and if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be worth over half a billion dollars. He talked a lot about money, actually. Way more than he talked about pizza.”

“To be honest, it’s not going to hurt you to eat their pizza,” said scientist Dr. Moe Zarella. “Just because the founder is a little on the annoying side, and just because their pizza is made out of the same things as their carryout boxes, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good slice once in awhile!”

Neither Schnatter nor any company representatives have yet to comment on the controversy, but they are urging customers to try their new pizza deal.

“Only 11.99 for a large specialty pizza, delivered right to your door!” said Schnatter. “Ignore the naysayers. You love our pizza. Just listen to your Papa. Mmmm, it’s delicious!”

NASA Astronaut Who Was Lost in Space Returns After 20 Years

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A family was reunited with a long-lost father today as Garry Hickens returned from space after being stuck in orbit for over 20 years. Hickens, a name you’ll all soon know very well, began his career at NASA over 30 years ago. He wasn’t a flashy astronaut that people knew well, such as Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin, but he defiantly played his part for them.

According to NASA, in 1995, a small shuttle was sent to orbit the Earth’s ozone layer to test for climate changes. Hickens was on board the craft, and it was a task he had accomplished a few times at her time with NASA. It was such a simple, routine mission, that Hickens did it solo, and it would regularly only take 6 days to compile the necessary information.

During his last attempt, the craft accidentally expelled out the fuel needed for a return to Earth; The module was launched further into orbit, and placed Hickens too deep into space to return. Teams at NASA attempted to retrieve Hickens, but after a week of searching and attempting to reach him, they considered him gone.

A funeral was held for him a month after the botched mission, where family, friends, and co-workers could discuss better times with Hickens. His death certificate, filled out by NASA doctors, read ‘lost in space’ as cause of death.

According to Hickens, after all this time, nearly 20 years in space, his orbit changed, and he hit close enough to Earth that gravity brought him back in. It was a crash landing, but the parachutes were able to be deployed, and NASA has confirmed that Hickens is alive and doing well, with only a few minor scraped and cuts from a hard-hitting impact in the California desert.

Hickens has reported that he survived heavily on recycling his own urine, and stretching his supply pack as far as he could. At the moment, his weak state limits his conversations, but he has told the media he is just happy to be home.

Hickens left at age 44, and celebrated his 65th birthday while in orbit just 2 short weeks ago.