New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

Posted on December 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SACRAMENTO, California –

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele apparently isn’t the only model in the family. In a press release from Brady’s publicist, Antionette McCandless, it was announced that the superstar quarterback will pose fully nude in Playgirl Magazine.

“Both Tom and Gisele are very excited about his upcoming shoot,” McCandless said. “Year after year, he has been voted by female fans of the NFL as the sexiest athlete in the world. He is really going for it here, and is going to show the world all that he has – while also showing why he has the most beautiful woman in the world as a wife.”

Crescent Publishing Group, based in Sacramento, California, who publishes the magazine, say this is a great opportunity for them to also reach out to their massive gay male demographic.

“Everyone knows we produce a magazine for women, but it has an even larger following in the gay male community,” CPG spokesperson Tamara Rollins said. “We get shot huge loads of emails from our consumers every day, and most of them are from men. You would not believe how many emails and letters we have received over the years requesting we get Tom Brady in an issue. To be honest, I’m pretty surprised at how many gay men are avid football fans. It’s probably the tight pants.”

CPG has not announced when the issue would be released, but said that it would be at least a few months before they could meet with him for the pictorial, as Brady has several obligations related to the Patriots organization, as well as several charities in which his involved.

In 2010, Playgirl made a desperate attempt to lure in controversial quarterback Michael Vick to no avail. Over the years, they’ve reached out to other NFL players as well. “It is really difficult to get any major athlete involved in our publication, and of course that is what women, and many men, want to see when they open Playgirl magazine,” said Rollins. “Player’s agents have made it a really tough nut to bust for our magazine.”

USDA Approves Commercial Sale Of Breast Milk At Grocery Stores

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There is a growing trend among health advocates and nutritional experts across the entire world, and it’s something that most people stopped drinking in infancy – human breast milk.

Until earlier this morning it has been illegal to sell or bottle breast milk for consumption, outside of normal use of mothers feeding their babies. After extensive research and testing by the USDA, the United States government has decided to give human breast milk a full license to be sold commercially in grocery stores.

John Williamson, USDA President of Public Relations and Nutritional Awareness, announced in a statement issued to multiple media outlets that all United States grocery stores will be permitted to sell human breast milk which has passed USDA requirements. “There is a growing fad throughout the nation, and indeed the world, of adults drinking human breast milk fresh from the source,” Williamson said in the statement. “We have now taken steps to insure that adults can get those same nutritional values without having to suckle the teat directly, as breast milk will be bottled and sold at retail.”

Despite the legalities of breast milk consumption and sales up to this point, the product has become synonymous with fitness advocates and body builders, who have long been purchasing the milk through black market trade.

“It is time for the United States to cash in, and sanction the overall availability of healthy, fresh, bottled human breast milk for children and adults. It is a great source of nutrition which has never before been available, and it is due time for Americans to get healthy, while beefing up our pocketbooks.” Williamson added.

In several countries it has become popular for adults to hire ‘wet nurses’ who feed the consumer directly, but Williamson states that this method is very irresponsible and the female producers of the milk need to undergo thoroughly extensive testing on a weekly basis for guaranteed safety.

“We strongly discourage adults, who are not the children of the milk provider, from feeding directly from the breasts of various women. It is not safe, and could spread disease,” said Williamson. “However, many of the top dairy providers of the U.S. have begun to take applications for breast-feeding women to begin testing on their product, a very good way for American women to make a little extra cash while helping our economy. Everybody wins!”

USDA officials say Americans can expect to see human breast milk for sale in grocery stores all across the nation within the coming months.

Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Will Suit Up For Charlotte Hornets

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Six-time NBA champion Michael Jordan announced earlier today that after years of time away from the game, he will make an attempt to come back and play for the Charlotte Hornets, the team he co-owns.

Jordan, 51, held a press conference earlier today and shocked sports journalists and fans alike with the possible game-changing announcement.

“After being out of the game more than ten years, and hearing so much talk about Kobe Bryant passing up my all-time point total, I’ve decided to make myself available to my team as a player. I can still shoot the rock, did y’all doubt that?” Jordan said as he laughed.

Head coach of the Hornets, Steve Clifford, who was also on hand for the press conference, was asked if he thought the aging Jordan would be an asset to the team as a player.

“Are you kidding me? We are talking about MJ here, best player that ever played the game. Do you guys think that he doesn’t get out there on the court with our guys regularly in practice? In my opinion, he came back a long time ago, he just didn’t play in games,” Clifford said.

Jordan went on to explain that it was actually Clifford who talked him into suiting up in a Hornets uniform. “For the last couple of years, I’ve gotten out there a couple times a week during practice, Steve has always joked about me getting back on the court for real,” explained Jordan. “Then, right before the season started, I had a really good scrimmage where I just crushed most of the guys, and that planted the seed in my mind.”

“The one valuable lesson I’ve learned in my life is that anything is possible to anyone, anywhere, any place and any time. I mean – I’m Michael Jordan. I’ve won six NBA titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, I’ve saved the world from an alien invasion with Bugs Bunny, and hell, I even played professional baseball. Now I own a NBA team. What have I learned? I’ve learned that if you really want to do something, all you really have to do to be successful is Just Do It.”

Jordan, who passed his physical, is expected to be in uniform and on the bench ready to play within the next two or three weeks.

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Searching For Doctor To Perform Sex Change On 8-Year-Old Daughter

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

According to recent statements made by Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, 8-year-old daughter Shiloh has opted to change her name to ‘John’. After intense consideration and conversation with their daughter, the couple have begun looking for a doctor to perform a sex change on the child. They say they want to help rid her of the constant, uncomfortable reminder that she is ‘someone different on the inside than appears on the outside.’

The couple has openly discussed how their daughter has always been more inclined to play with toys aimed at boys, and prefers to wear boys clothing, as well as have a more ‘masculine’ haircut.

“She wants to be a boy,” Jolie said. “We had to cut her hair, she likes to wear boys’ everything, she thinks of herself just like a boy, and enjoys doing the same things as her brothers. She is a very smart child, definitely wise beyond her years and several times she has asked if we could help her ‘fix herself.'”

“It is very difficult for parents to hear their child go through that kind of thing,” said Brad Pitt. “We have discussed it and we are certain that she really does want to go through with it, but we will continue to evaluate the situation while also looking for a highly qualified doctor who is willing to perform the operation. It’s what John wants, and as parents, you give your child all that you can and more.”

Pitt mentioned on the Oprah show a few years ago, when Shiloh was four years old, that she wanted to be named ‘John’. The idea is one she has clung to for years, and her parents now officially support her request. Jolie says it will be extremely difficult to remember to call her John instead of Shiloh.

“Everyday I call her Shiloh at some point and she will get fussy with me, I’m trying so hard,” Jolie said. She also added that the couple is proud that they seem to be teaching their children that it is important to discover who they are. “It makes me feel so good knowing that all of our children know that it is not only okay, but a great thing to explore their individuality, and go on the journey to discover who they really are as unique people.”

When asked whether or not they would wait until Shiloh turns eighteen to have a sex change, Jolie said it would not be the right thing to do. “That would just be cruel. She is a very smart person, she knows better than anybody who she really is. We have every intention on fulfilling her dream in the very near future,” said Jolie.

Missouri Congress Proposes Bill Prohibiting Sale Of Video Recording Devices To African-Americans

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

With the riots and outrage sparked by videos of unarmed black men being abused by police on camera, the Missouri congress has proposed a bill prohibiting the sale of all video recording devices, including cell phones with camera, to all blacks with a Missouri address.

The proposed bill, which is being called The Blindfold Act, would not only prohibit all black citizens in the state from buying camera phones or other video recording devices, but would also require all blacks already in possession of the items to hand them over to their local police department. Compensation for the device would be provided, up to $150. Those who fail to follow the instructions of the Missouri government would then be charged with a felony if found in possession of a recording device.

Senior Senator of Missouri, Democrat Claire McCaskill, has issued a statement to press, explaining the bill in detail and all but guaranteeing that the proposed law would more than likely be passed when congress votes on the proposal in January.

“One thing democrats and Republicans both can agree on in this state is that the black community all across Missouri commits a much higher percentage of crime than any other race, putting them on the biggest stage, in front of the most irresponsible citizens, who always seem to meddle in the business of the police.” said McCaskill.

Even Democratic Representatives Lacy Clay Jr., and Emmanuel Cleaver II, who are the only African-American members of the Missouri congress, are in full support of the proposed bill.

“Until the black community learns how to keep from being caught by police, we don’t deserve to possess the ability to video tape police who are just trying to do their jobs,” Clay Jr. said. “We have too many of our people living off the government, collecting checks, yet they still complain on how we conduct our business. They need to quit meddling, for real.”

Kurt Sutter Announces Plans For ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ Movie Starring Charlie Hunnam, Brad Pitt

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NORTH HOLLYWOOD, California –

Kurt Sutter, creator of the hit FX drama Sons of Anarchy, has announced plans to turn the popular television series into a major motion picture.

Sutter, who was also a writer, producer, and director on the series, said in an interview with Hollywood Today magazine that he has long contemplated taking S.O.A. to the big screen following its run on television. “People absolutely loved the show, as did I, and I have put a lot of thought into the matter, and we are going forward with turning it into a feature film” Sutter said.

Sons of Anarchy ran for seven seasons on FX, from 2008-2014, and in the process built a huge following. Sutter said the film will star Charlie Hunnam, who played the lead character Jax Teller, as well as Ryan Hurst who played Opie Winston, and Katey Sagal as Gemma Teller. The film, which is a prequel to the storyline of Sons will also introduce fans to Jax’s father, John, who will be played by Brad Pitt.

“I am most excited about bringing Brad (Pitt) on as John Teller, he is absolutely perfect for the role. The movie will take place from the day Jax was born, and leads up to the era just before Sons Of Anarchy began as a series.”

Sutter also said that he is really happy to bring Ryan Hurst back as Opie Winston, and hopes fans will forgive him for killing Opie off. “Man I tell ya, when we killed Opie off, it was like the thing turned real. I’ve never gone public with this, but I’ve had people get really crazy when they see me in public,” said Sutter. “They shout at me, and they get angry – ‘You shouldn’t have killed Ope! I hope you rot in Hell!,’ that sort of thing. I had people try to run me off the road when they recognized me, although that just might be because I’m kind of a dangerous driver. Anyway, my hope is that this film will help them cope.”

Sutter says pre-production on film will begin in the middle of 2015, and will begin shooting sometime in the fall. “For a movie of this scope, with this much storyline attached, you should expect to see the film by the end of 2016,” said Sutter. “In the mean time, buy all the official Sons of Anarchy merchandise you can. Every dollar goes to helping get this movie completed. Brad Pitt isn’t cheap, you know.”

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOVELOCK, Nevada –

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed – not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’ I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.

Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SACRAMENTO, California –

Just days after saying that “Pit bulls are a waste of space and should all be put down” on her radio show, The Dr. Laura Program, host Laura Schlessinger adopted ten pit bulls from a Southern California rescue shelter only to have the dogs immediately euthanized.

Shelter operator Mary Sheckles told Empire News that Schlessinger stopped by the shelter earlier this week, just days after making her now infamous comments about pit bulls. Sheckles said Schlessinger, also known as ‘Dr. Laura’, acted very sympathetic and guilty over her comments, so she wanted to give ten pit bulls a good home. Sheckles was convinced that Schlessinger had turned a new leaf after thousands of pit bull owners tweeted and emailed her telling her why she was wrong.

“She seemed very sincere,” Sheckles said. “I was just as angry as anyone toward that woman, then she came in and really poured it on heavy, so heavy it was emotional for me. I then showed her around the shelter and she took the time to meet and greet with ten of our pits we had at the time. She said she wanted to adopt every single one of them. I was so moved, I cried tears of joy.”

However, according to Sheckles, Schlessinger did not adopt the dogs to keep as pets. Hours after making the adoption arrangements, the radio host had a family member take the pit bulls to a local veterinarian, who she had known was also anti-pit bull, and had all ten dogs euthanized. A sympathetic employee from the veterinarian’s office secretly called Sheckles, and told her the devastating truth.

“I have been crying non-stop since,” Sheckles said. “In my opinion, this woman is evil and sadistic, and she needs to be taken off the air so that her lies and untruths can no longer be spread. For her comments and actions, she should lose all of her sponsors. The things she says, and the hatred she spews, all the while having very little to absolutely zero knowledge on the subjects in which she speaks, it’s all just very disturbing. She’s almost as bad – no, she’s worse than Dr. Oz!”

Experts Predict Major Bed Bug Infestation In The U.S. Will Kill Thousands In 2015

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT COLLINS, Colorado –

Cimex lectularius, commonly known as the Bed Bug here In the United States, is a parasitic insect which feeds primarily on human blood, and has become infamous for its infestations within the past decade. Dr. DeMarcus Johnson, head of Insect Sciences at Colorado State University says, though, that these last ten years were ‘the easy part.’

“The good ol’ days are clearly behind us,” Dr. Johnson said. “Sometime after spring and heading into Summertime, we will begin to see massive Bed Bug infestations, so drastic that we predict large quantities will feed on humans and cause significant loss of life.”

“I do not take any comfort in alarming the good people of this beautiful country, but this is by-far more of a probability rather than a possibility. To put into perspective, just imagine getting stung by hundreds of bees at the same time while asleep at night. If that happened to millions of Americans every night, thousands of those people would die on a weekly basis. These little suckers are sneaky and do not sting like a bee does, they just gradually suck the blood right out of you without even waking you up.” Dr. Johnson stated.

Bed Bugs have increasingly become more of a problem in the United States every year. The pests build massive nests inside mattresses, and when a human being lies on the mattress they sense the person’s body heat, at which point they go into feeding mode by sucking blood out of the human body, much like a tick or a leech. When silently attacked by thousands of the insects during sleep, they can literally suck you dry. The also carry a vast array of deadly diseases.

“We are doing everything we can to warn American citizens of this awful soon-to-be plague, but unfortunately, there just isn’t much else to do but make sure your home is clear of them now. Buy new mattresses, couches, chairs, and any other ‘soft’ furniture you may have in your home. Burn the ones that exist now. Replace old carpets with new, or use strictly hardwood flooring. Do not wait until spring or summer, by then, I regret to say, it will be much too late. Vampires are real, and they exist in the form of the Bed Bug.”

Woman Accidentally Bites Boyfriend’s Penis Off In Movie Theater

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

Woman Accidently Bites Boyfriends Penis Off In Movie Theater — The exterior of the General Cinema theater in Indianapolis, where a man recently had his penis accidentally bitten off

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In a wildly bizarre freak accident in an Indianapolis General Cinema movie theater, a man has found himself without a penis. Juanita Hatfield, 21, accidentally bit off her boyfriends penis during a showing of the film Penguins of Madagascar.

The man, 48-year-old Lester Drubbins of Nobelsville, Indiana, was rushed to St. Vincent Indianapolis Hospital by EMS, and remains in critical but stable condition.

Chauncey Lewis and his girlfriend, Monique Johnson, had accompanied Hatfield and Drubbins as part of a double-date, and witnessed the accident.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t get his screams out of my head,” said Lewis, 43. “We were fooling around, you know, and they were fooling around, too. You know how couples do things when they go out to the movies. Anyway, next thing I know, Les jumps up screaming, and he’s holding his private area. It was then I noticed Juanita spit something out into her hand and then she began screaming, too, when she realized what had happened.”

Lewis also said the two had been fighting before they all went out to the movies, but had made up.

“It crossed my mind that she might have done it on purpose, but that is probably just because I was in shock. They made up and were kissing and fondling before we ever went in. I even joked to Les about dating a woman so much younger than he was. I said ‘Keep messing with these young chicks and your dick’s gonna fall off!’ So coincidental that it really happened about an hour later. Poor fella.”

When emergency personnel questioned Hatfield about the incident, she explained there was a really loud noise in the movie and it scared her, causing an involuntary reaction of biting down as hard as she could on Drubbins’ penis.

Doctors unsuccessfully attempted to re-attach the penis. Despite being the only people in the theatre aside from their friends, the couple do face charges of indecent exposure and possibly even corrupting the morals of a child, due to the general nature of the film.