West Point Students Revealed To Be Pussies After Injuries Sustained In Pillow Fight

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK, New York –

Over 30 West Point cadets were injured during a campus-wide pillow fight last week, leading most people throughout the country to worry that the US military may, in fact, be training a large group of pussies.

“There were at least 30 cadets who were injured during a pillow fight, several of them were injured seriously, and had to be hospitalized,” said West Point teacher Richard Branson. “It’s a shame. I am trying very hard to teach these kids to be strong, military-style men. Instead, they’re being hospitalized after being hit in the face with a pillow. Pussies.”

West Point made an official comment on Monday, saying that they are definitely not “training groups of pussies” at their esteemed institution.

“West Point is one of the oldest military academies in the country, and we train the best of the best,” said the memo posted to West Point’s website. “This pillow fight and the purported injuries are not indicative of the kind of men we are training at our academy. These weaklings will be dealt with accordingly, and several may even be forced to leave the academy. We do not train pussies at this school.”

“I’m definitely not a pussy,” said West Point student Joe Goldsmith. “I got hit a bunch of times, but hell, they’re just pillows. Sure, I was bleeding a bit, and I think some people may have been using ‘firm’ pillows when we strictly said goose down only, but you know, military life is tough, and everyone should be sucking it up.”

West Point says that they will be further investigating the incident, and “dealing appropriately” with anyone they deem to be too pussified to continue their education at the school.

Donald Trump Flip-Flops Stance, Says He Will ‘Open US Borders 100%’ If Elected

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a surprise change of pace for Donald Trump, the presidential candidate has announced that he’s “completely changed his mind” about immigration, and says that if he is elected president, he plans on opening the country’s borders to all immigrants.

“There is no need to be so picky about who moves to this great country, and paperwork only slows down the process,” said Trump to a gathering of over 75,000 devoted supporters in Mississippi. “When I am elected, the borders will be opened. I was wrong in many of the things I’ve said, and it has just taken me some time to realize my mistakes.”

Many former Trump supporters say they instantly abandoned the candidate when he made his announcements.

“This is an outrage. I was looking forward to more security at the borders, not less,” said former Trump supporter Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve voted for conservatives like Trump my whole life, and they’ve never won. Trump had a chance. He speaks his mind, and people like that. People like me, anyway. Now, this is just absurd.”

“I’m glad he’s changed his opinion of immigrants,” said illegal immigrant from Mexico Jose Marquez. “I think he might be going a little too far just opening the borders all together. I moved here to feel safe, and aside from the constant fear of INS, I’ve felt like I can live here freely. If the borders are opened completely, that might not be the case anymore.”

Donald Trump says that he plans to win this election based on “cold, hard truths,” and that means, sometimes, changing your tune completely.

“I will do whatever it takes to win this election,” said Trump. “Frankly, I’ll dye this wig black if it will get me the votes. I’ll do whatever it takes, say whatever I need to, to get your vote.”

Internal Sony Documents Reveal Playstation Controllers Are Made of Dog Noses

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Sony International, the company behind the Playstation 4 video game console, is under some serious scrutiny after a set of internal documents were leaked detailing the manufacturing process of the company’s popular video game controllers.

“It seems that Sony has been using the noses of dead dogs to create the grips on the joystick of their controllers for quite some time,” said investigator Joe Goldsmith. “All the way back to the original Playstation console, the company has been buying the carcasses of dead dogs in bulk, shipping them from all over the world to their headquarters in Japan, for purposes of using the skin from the noses as the material for the joystick.”

In the documents, Sony CEO Nah Bro Li said that the company had tried “many different options” for the joystick grips before landing on the noses of dogs.

“Nothing works better than dog nose for the small grips of the joystick,” read the text in one of the memos. “This, though, would be very bad for the public to hear, and we would have many animal rights activists at our door. This is something we want to continue doing, but with great secrecy.”

“Clearly they could be using anything else to make these,” said Goldsmith. “Rubber is the first thing that comes to mind, for example. Sony has showed a clear lack of compassion for animals in using the noses of dogs to make their controllers. On the other hand, it does explain why they are $60 a pop. At this time, we believe all the dogs they used were already dead by other causes. It’s a great thing to discover now, though, before the company had that chance to start paying people to kill dogs strictly for their use. ”

Private investigators hired by PETA and other animal rights groups have begun digging into other company’s controllers as well, including those made by Microsoft for their XBox systems, as well as leading 3rd party manufacturer Mad Katz.

Feminist Groups Cause Kermit The Frog To Check Into Hospital For Depression

Posted on September 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

After pictures surfaced recently of Kermit The Frog with his apparent new girlfriend, a pig named Denise, feminists and feminist groups took to the internet, like they always do, outraged that the frog would leave his partner of almost 40 years, Ms. Piggy, for a “younger and hotter” pig.

“It’s disgusting that Kermit would begin to date so soon, and not only that – he chose another pig who is younger, thinner, and ‘hotter’ than Ms. Piggy,” said Twitter users DumbFeministBitch202. “It’s nasty, and I hope Kermit kills himself.”

“No one should have to see their longtime love, the father of their little pig and frog children, move on so fast, to someone so much more attractive,” said feminist blogger Susan DeTwat. “What Kermit the Frog is doing is more proof that men only care about one thing, and that’s sexualizing women, and always keeping their eye on a better prize. Kermit the Frog should kill himself for being so disgusting.”

According to his agent, Kermit The Frog is “resting” at an undisclosed location after becoming “stressed and depressed” over the internet-fueled hatred.

“Kermit is a genuine and good-hearted frog, and he doesn’t deserve this kind of backlash over living his life,” said Kermit supporter Jeanne Curtis, an anti-feminist blogger who uses her brain instead of her emotions when writing. “Kermit was in an abusive relationship for almost forty years with Ms. Piggy. Yes, he loved her. They had children together, at least in a Muppet Christmas Carol, which is canon so it counts.”

“He loved her, but she abused him. Ms. Piggy is clearly a controlling bitch,” continued Curtis. “Anyone with eyes can see that. She hits people, she has hit Kermit, in public. She is loud and abrasive, and a bully. She’s piggish, if you’ll pardon the pun. She screams at poor Kermit when things don’t go her way. It’s no wonder they finally separated, and it’s no wonder Kermit found a new pig who was more kind and gentle. Only a really dumb, feminist bitch would focus on Denise’s looks, and not how much kinder and sweeter she is to poor old Kermit.”

A spokesman for Kermit says that he should be out within the next week or two, in time to film more of the new Muppets TV series.

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

Posted on September 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

Missouri Police To Begin Using Drones Equipped With Guns

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

JEFFERSON CITY, Missouri –

Several police forces throughout the state of Missouri started using drones last year to assist them in investigations and searches, but a new wave of drone purchases by the state for law enforcement agencies is making some residents uneasy. Lawmakers in the state have authorized the use of drones with guns by police forces in several counties and cities, including Jefferson City, the state capitol.

“With the large amount of deaths of minorities at the hands of police, we felt this was the best way to counteract the issue,” said police chief Marlon Jones. “This way, the alleged criminal will have no way of knowing if the officer controlling the drone is black, white, Asian – it won’t matter. It also helps to keep the privacy of any officer involved in a shooting, as they will no longer be caught on video by some nosey bystander.”

State representatives say that their main concern is for the safety of police, as well as the safety of the general public.

“Drones are extremely useful, in that they can get places, see more things, search for people – do things that law enforcement just cannot do on foot or in a vehicle,” said state senator Joseph Goldsmith. “I applauded the state for allowing drone use in the first place, and this next step – attaching guns – is clearly the logical way to go. Being able to keep officers out of harm’s way, and still allowing them to shoot some black teen, er – I mean, shoot a criminal – is exactly what we need in this state. I wouldn’t be surprised if every state follows suit.”

The drones can already be seen flying through the skies of several cities and towns throughout Missouri. Other states, including Illinois, California, and New York are also considering laws that would allow police to use drones mounted with guns.

New Male Pregnancy Test Can Inform Men If Woman They Slept With Is Pregnant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A new test by the makers of the First Response pregnancy test, which promises women that they can find out “6 days sooner” than other leading pregnancy tests, has just launched their new product line, the Male-Response Pregnancy Test, which can actually tell a man if the woman he slept with has gotten pregnant.

“Our new line of tests is the most advanced in the world,” said company spokeswoman Jeanne Curtis. “Normally, a pregnancy test can only tell a woman if she is pregnant within a day or two of a missed period. We know that’s not good enough for the guy who likes to raw-dog it with a one-night stand. So we invented a new test for men. The man just has to urinate onto the stick first thing in the morning following sexual intercourse, and the test will let him know if he did, indeed, ruin his life the previous night.”

According to lab technicians, the new test works in a unique way. They claim that a man who has sex with a woman who he has gotten pregnant picks up some of her hormones through his penis, and they are stored in his urethra. During his morning bathroom stop, those hormones are released onto the stick, and he can tell – probably even before the woman – if she has gotten pregnant.

“When a woman pees on our stick, it has to be a few days after a missed period to actually be accurate,” said Curtis. “Not the case with the Male-Response stick. These new tests will tell a man within 24-hours if he has impregnated a woman, giving him ample time to flee the country, change his name, and disappear.”

The new product is set to launch nationwide in October. No word from the developers if multiple tests would be needed for orgies or swinging parties. In the meantime, men are urged to wear a condom when having sex, or at least pull out and aim for her face.

Kanye West Announces Run For Presidency In 2020, Oddly Assumes He’ll Still Be Relevant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

During the MTV VMAs, an award ceremony in its 32nd year that approximately 6 people may have cared to watch, producer, rapper, and Mr. Kardashian himself, Kanye West, announced that he would run for president during the 2020 elections.

“No one would make a better president than I would,” said West, presumably. “Hell, we’ve already had one black president. I could run in 2016, but I forgot those elections were happening, and I’m a little late. So I’ll run in 2020, and I’ll win. Plus, Kim will make one hell of a first lady, that’s for damn sure.”

According to political analysts, West has approximately a “0%” chance of ever becoming elected, whether he ran in 2016, 2020, or in 2040.

“Kanye West is already fading into obscurity, thank God,” said political analyst Mike Phisher. “He does these things to make himself stand out for a second, like interrupting Taylor Swift, having unhealthy obsessions with Beyonce, having really ugly babies and naming them odd-ball things. He’s not really a celebrity anymore, and by 2020 he’ll be completely forgotten. He’s kind of just the male version of his wife, Kim Kardashian. He has about as much chance being elected president as an illegal immigrant from Mexico. Besides, what party would want him? There is no ‘pretentious asshole’ party.”

West reportedly seems undeterred.

“I will certainly stand a better chance than most people, as I have tons of money to waste and can run easily spend enough to get noticed, not that there’s any way that I won’t still be in the spotlight,” said West. “Thing is, nobody is better than me at anything. I could be the next president, the next Pope, the shit don’t matter. Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it better than anyone.”

Hulk Hogan Wears Blackface In Public To Prove He’s ‘Not Racist’

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Former professional wrestler Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, was recently spotted in Los Angeles wearing his trademark Hulkamania tee-shirt and bandana, but also sporting something a little more out of the ordinary for the 62-year-old.

“I saw Hogan walking through the mall, headed into a JC Penney, and his entire face was painted black. For a minute, I didn’t even recognize him. But on second glance, those 24-inch pythons gave him away,” said Jerry Miller, who was shopping in the Los Angeles City Mall. “Hogan was wearing blackface! I am a longtime fan, but even I was too embarrassed to walk over and ask for a picture.”

According to Hogan, he decided to paint his face fully black just to prove that he’s “not a racist.”

“You see brother, I may have said some racist things, brother. But that was years ago, brother, and I tell you, brother, I am definitely not a racist, brother,” said Hogan to a fan who was bold enough to ask about the blackface. “The thing is brother, I painted my face so that all the little Hulkamaniacs out there could see that the real Hogan isn’t a racist, brother. Sometimes, brother, you just say a racist-sounding thing, brother, but that doesn’t mean that what’s in your heart, brother, is really wrong, brother.”

Hogan has reportedly also tried to clear his image in other ways. He recently appeared on morning television, sans blackface, asking for forgiveness from the American public.

“I’m also gonna try, brother, hanging around with some more brothers, brother,” said Hogan. “I feel like the only way to really get forgiveness, brother, is if all the brothers out there can forgive me, brother. I just want everyone to know that I am still a real American, brother. I’ll fight for the rights of every man, brother. I’ll fight for what’s right, brother. Fight for your lives, brother. Brother.”

The WWE, the company that made Hogan a household name in the 80s, has all but erased his name from their website, including removing him from their Hall of Fame listings, after it was discovered recently that Hogan made racially insensitive comments several years ago.