Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

Posted on July 3, 2015 by DvanL

IRVING, Texas –

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark. “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees. Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code. When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon. Spit-spot! It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*). An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval. It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval. “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it! It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting. I like having my own code number – it’s neat. It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#). Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated. When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security? Can my tampon be hacked? Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall. No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain? Is there a risk of an electrical shock? Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm. You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!”

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval. “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped. Today, we’re much more open between the legs. Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning! There’s nowhere to go but up!”

New Drug Craze In Teens Poses Huge Risk; Kids Huffing Milk To Get High

Posted on July 3, 2015 by JP

SANTA ANA, California –

A new substance has become a hot topic issue in recent weeks, after a local mother found her son collapsed in his room under the influence of a new drug. While current well-known drugs such as Molly, marijuana, and Adderall have become a well-known way for teenagers to get high, new reports of a common household item being abused is now under investigation by the DEA.

According to reports, teens are now huffing milk to get high. A recent double-blind study shows that at least 73% of children between the age of 11-19 have admitted to having huffed milk at least one time. The street name for this deadly new trend is called “Cookie Monstering,” or sometimes simply “dipping the cookie.”

“It has to be the easiest way for a child to get high, and every nearly child can get his hand on some milk,” said Corey Wright, a DEA agent who has been tracking milk huffing for almost a year. “We initially received several reports from police stations of kids admitting they were huffing milk, but at first thought the children just didn’t want to admit to using other drugs. After a huge amount of complaints from parents though, we finally decided to give this ‘getting high on milk thing’ a closer look.”

Scientist Betsy Heffer explains that the extra hormones in milk give off a happy, elated feeling, and in a closed container being inhaled over and over again, milk can cause the same effects as the street drug Ecstasy.

“The more potent the milk, the stronger the high,” said Heffer in a recent statement. “Basically, if you buy only whole milk, your kids can get dangerously high. As you go down, to say 2%, 1%, or skim milk, the high becomes less intense, although it is still there. Certain flavored milks, like pre-bottled chocolate or coffee milks are the worst, though. They contain extra sugars, which when mixed with the added hormones in milk can cause a high unlike most any other drug kids can get.”

The DEA is requesting parents keep their milk locked up, and that they closely monitor their children during times of drinking milk or using it in cereals, oatmeals, etc.

Artist Paints Penises Around Homeless People to Get Them Noticed And ‘Fixed’

Posted on May 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Earlier this week, a British graffiti artist made headlines when he started drawing penises around potholes to force the municipal authorities’ hand in getting them fixed. The Manchester resident, who calls himself “Wanksy” after the famed artist named “Banksy”, explained that a pothole that had been left open for 8 months was filled within 48 hours of having the penis chalked around it. Now, a copycat artist is drawing penises around homeless people in New York.

Spanksy, the latest dick-pic vigilante is campaigning for the government to fix the homeless, many of whom have been there for years.

“It’s an important cause. These people are lying broken in our streets, waiting to be repaired, and the government does nothing,” said the mysterious Spanksy over the phone to a journalist from the New York Times. “I’m hoping now that they’re being made into works of penis art, the homeless will be fixed in record time.”

And Spanksy’s campaign seems to be working. At least 3 homeless men have been seen to in the 24 hours that he’s been vandalising the streets around them.

“There’s a particular alleyway off 49th Street which is home to a large amount of bums,” said social activist Martin Jenkins. “That area has been hit hard by Spanksy, using those bums to make crude penis drawings. Wow, there’s actually a certain poetry, a symmetry, in that.”

The anonymous artist says he’s going nowhere until all the homeless in New York are fixed.

“It’s a hazardous world out here. Walking along the pavements, it’s easy to scuff your foot into a tramp and trip and hurt yourself. They’re all along the major walkways, and there’s nothing being done about them. I’m out to make a difference. Like the potholes in Manchester, the homeless in New York will soon be filled.”

Royal Baby Princess Charlotte Plotting Death Of Those First in Line for the Throne

Posted on May 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

The Royal Baby was finally born days after the original due date, and she is already plotting the death of those first in line for the throne. Prince William and Duchess Kate’s second child is fourth in line, behind her grandfather, father, and brother, and she reportedly will not leave her ascension to the crown to chance.

“She’s a real darling, and has been born with all the classic aspects of royalty,” said royal analyst Priscilla Hendler. “She’s ready to lead a life devoid of all meaning and commitment to a monarchy with no power, and she’s ready to shed blood to lead that monarchy.”

The princess is expected to kill all of her competitors by the time she reaches age twelve, when she will be of age to take the throne.

Bookmakers have been scrambling to decide on odds of who will be killed first. Prince George, the little princess’s brother, is odds on at 2:1, being the closest in proximity and easiest to play off as an accident. Next up is Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, the princess’s father at 5:2. Charles, Prince of Wales, is next up at 33:4, since he is expected to forgo the crown in any event, and he’ll probably be senile by then anyway. Queen Elizabeth is at 2000:1 – she is expected to die within the next 12 years, even though she seems intent on living forever.

The princess’s mother, Kate Middleton, is expected to be kept around because “as the queen mother she may be able to provide valuable insight from having lived the life of a commoner.”

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

Posted on May 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Fox News has announced a shock merger with Comedy Central, saying that the comedy channel gets most of their laughs out of Fox anyway. For years, Jon Stewart’s Daily Show has been using gaffes from the right-wing news outlet as satire, and many of the sitcoms also get their ridiculous situations from real events which have happened on the Fox News set, leading to them being considered Comedy Central’s “feeder” channel.

“We are very pleased that this partnership will finally be made official,” Fox News CEO Roger Ailes wrote in a press release. “There’s been a lot of speculation over the years, and a lot of hurt feelings when our channels have been at odds – especially when Comedy Central has not credited our reporters for their content. Now those differences can finally be put to rest.”

Jon Stewart, who has based much of his show on blasting Fox News’s biased coverage, has responded to the news by expressing his disappointed that this is only happening now that he is leaving.

“I have had some fun times working with the clowns from Fox News,” he said soberly on his Daily Show. “Many of the best episodes involved in-house interviews with characters like Bill O’Reilly. I feel I’ve really missed out.”

Doug Herzog, the president of Viacom Media Networks who own Comedy Central, expressed his delight at the long-awaited merger.

“It’s been a dream of ours for many years,” he said. “Operations will be much smoother now that our biggest allies are openly working on our side. Both Fox News and Comedy Central will maintain a level of separateness, but now fake news such as The Daily Show will be part of the Fox News branch, and Fox and Friends, which doesn’t even pretend to be news, will be part of the Comedy Central branch.”

Stephen Hawking Allegedly Seen Walking In Secret Security Footage

Posted on May 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

World-renowned physicist and one of the smartest men in the world, Stephen Hawking, who has been in a wheelchair for most of his life, suffering from ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, was reportedly spotted recently getting up from his wheelchair and casually walking across the room to a refridgerator, where he grabbed a bottle of beer, chugged it, and then returned to his chair.

“I saw the footage on camera, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Cambridge University security officer Phil Rogers. “I’ve known Mr. Hawking for years, and I just didn’t think it was possible. You know, though, I wouldn’t put it past his big brain to have come up with a cure for ALS years ago, but he stays in the chair now because it’s his gimmick. No doubt the ladies love it.”

An Oscar-nominated film was released last year based around the life of Hawking, titled The Theory of Everything. It chronicled his life as a young man, his loves, and his affliction with ALS that left him paralyzed completely. Hawking has been talking via computer for the better part of 3 decades.

“I think it’s possible he could be faking it, but I guess at this point, why would he do that?” said Dr. Grover Sentinel, a professor at Cambridge. “He could do anything he wants. He has one of, it not the most, brilliant mind that there is today. He understands things that no one living ever could. If he can walk, well – you know what, more power to him.”

For the moment, Hawking is remaining quiet about the possible existence of any footage showing him walking or moving on his own. When reached for comment, his publicist said that they would “not discuss such nonsense.”

Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes

Posted on May 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

$Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes$

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

In a bid to give more focus to specific requirements of education that they feel are most important, officials in the Alabama school district in Huntsville say they are working to phase out math and science classes, to focus on subjects that they say ‘matter the most.’

“Our students have an abysmal time, as do most students throughout the country, reading and writing,” said school superintendent Russell Davis. “If we remove math and science, as well as gym and after-school sports, from the students’ curriculum, it will give us more time to focus on teaching them proper grammar and language skills.”

Testing scores in English and grammar, as well as reading comprehension, have been done throughout the state of Alabama for over a decade, declining year-over-year. With math scores staying steadily in the ‘average’ area, school officials began making the necessary steps to eliminate what they consider ‘extra work.’

“It’s time we got rid of math. Most of our kids are proficient enough at basic math, and since they’ll all end up working at some fast food joint anyway, all they need to know how to do is make change,” said school principal George Jackson. “But, they’ll never be able to get a job at all if they can’t read the application and write their name down correctly. It’s a win-win for these stupid kids.”

Other states will be watching closely to see the results of the new curriculum in Alabama, with a specific focus on future test scores.

“I’m so glad that Joey isn’t going to be bringing home math anymore,” said Marsha Goldsmith, mother of 12-year-old Joey. “I don’t know shit about math, and I barely have time after getting home from work at Burger King to figure out his damn problems. It’ll be much easier just showing him how to conjugate a verb.”

Man Gets Botox Injections In Penis To Achieve Permanent Erection

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

A Maine man recently began making headlines in the medical world, as Anthony Nature, 28, recently convinced his plastic surgeon to inject Botox into his penis and testicles, causing him to have an erection at all times.

“Mr. Nature has visited me a number of times in the last few years,” said Dr. Carrie Pooler, plastic surgeon at Augusta Health Center. “Tummy tucks, a couple gluteus injections, and now, for the Botox penis injections. This is the first time that anyone has ever asked for this procedure, but I am confident that after Mr. Nature gets the word out, it won’t be the last.”

Nature says that he has never been happier with the results of one of his surgeries.

“I always had a penis that was just average, maybe slightly above average,” said Nature. “Plus, because of my addiction to movie theatre popcorn, I had really bad erectile dysfunction. What I wanted was a bigger, harder penis – longer, not really fuller. Not much, anyway. So I decided that I needed to have the Botox injections into my scrotum and penis. Now I’m erect all the time, and ready to go! The women I sleep with, they’ll never see me soft, so they’ll never know how tiny it is…or was!”

Dr. Pooler says that the Botox, which is actually a poison, will pull the loose skin of Nature’s penis and scrotum back, making the penis appear larger and the scrotum smaller.

“Basically his ol’ bait ‘n’ tackle is looking good, and he’s definitely ready to go,” said Dr. Pooler. “We have a date tonight, actually.”

Nature says that he is extremely happy with his new life, and the constant headaches and difficulty urinating are “totally worth it” in exchange for his newfound giant erection.

New Retail Chain Opens Aimed At Rich Customers; $100 Dollar Stores

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A savvy retail operator has opened several new locations in Hollywood, Los Angeles, and Beverly Hills, a counter to what he calls “poor people places.”

“I visited my friends in New York, and it was ghastly,” said Miles Hardin, a boutique owner in Los Angeles. “I couldn’t believe the places they that shopped. The had stores out there called…I can barely say the words…Dollar. Stores. Oh my God, it was frightening! But it did get me thinking about a new line of stores I could open out here. So I opened my first $100 Dollar Store in January, and business has been booming!”

Hardin says that much like a dollar store, everything in his shops are one price – $100 even.

“It’s really simple economics. In dollar stores, they sell shit, made for pennies and marked up to $1.00,” said Hardin. “In my store, we sell cheap shit made for pennies, and mark it way, way up to $100. It’s a much better idea, and with the amount of money people have in California, they are flocking to my stores.”

Hardin says many celebrities visit his shops, including Jim Carrey, Kylie Minogue, and Chris Pratt.

“Pratt, he came in and bought a tablet cover. $100, out the door,” said Hardin. “He could have got the same one on the East Coast at a .99 cent store, but no. Rich people have rich tastes, no matter how down-to-Earth they are. It was cute though. A pink and purple tablet cover with Groot on it. He had a good laugh.”

Hardin says that he plans to expand to other rich areas in the country, including Silicon Valley and Bill Gate’s living room and master bathroom.

Over-Filled House Collapses, Traps Hoarder Inside

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CANISTEO, New York –

Tim Barker, 55 was found crushed to death, in what was the living room of his two-story home. Two tons of wrestling memorabilia, ceramic kittens, cans of green beans, National Geographic magazines, bags of human feces, and other pieces of garbage were removed in attempt to rescue the man, who they believed to be trapped inside. More than 48 hours after neighbor’s reported the collapse, Barker’s body was found on his couch.

The coroner’s report says Barker was likely killed instantly, when the debris initially struck him.

Local housing code enforces says they did not know the structure had such extensive damage, it would’ve been condemned.

“Two years ago we received complaints about junk in the yard which Mr. Barker’s family promptly cleaned up. The first floor of the house was uncluttered, so there appeared to be no need for further inspection…

“We believe this year’s record snowfalls may have contributed to the collapse, stressing the structure past its capacity. There was so much junk up there, it’s a wonder this didn’t happen sooner.”

Local Jillian Beaudoin says, “This is a small town and nothing much ever happens. If anything we’re for that ‘living sign,’ but some trees planted to say Canisteo doesn’t attract many tourists.

“Now people are actually coming out here to take selfies in front of the house that caved in. It’s messed up how morbid people can be.”