Stanford to Offer Free Education to Youths Who Play a Sport Really Well

Posted on April 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

STANFORD, California –

Following its announcement last week that it plans to offer free tuition to students from families earning under $125 000 a year, Stanford University has followed up with a new policy, which will allow students with no educational background to study for free. The one caveat is that they must be capable of playing a sport really really well. When implemented, the elite institution will be the first to have a program of this kind.

“It is our belief that students who play a sport really really well deserve to be educated at a university level,” Don Harbinger, Dean of the Stanford School of Athletics, told prospective students. “Although they may not have completed high school, perhaps not even grade school, everyone here wants them to join. Especially if they play football.”

Youths looking to study in college next year rejoiced. Football players especially made known their intentions to make a big difference at this revolutionary university, saying that they are forever grateful to Stanford for giving them this opportunity.

“I is goana Standfort, muddafuckas,” 18 year old football player Jonas deMirallas shouted. “I da beee-est in da wurld goana beee-est univernisy!”

“My daddy said I dumbo,” added Mitch McCormack, 21. “Not zero in family mine made colledge. I’m first woohoo woohoo.”

Education experts have also hailed the college for this groundbreaking program, with some adding that it is long overdue.

“We’ve been telling colleges to do this for years,” said Merle Adler, textbook editor. “The possibilities now open to dumb idiots who play sports really really well are amazing. We will see our education system truly shine!”

Other universities around America are scrambling to implement their own version of the Stanford initiative. Among these are Ohio State, Alabama, Florida State, and TCU.

Scott Steiner Disappointed Hulk Hogan Refused to Fight to the Death

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

TMZ reported recently that pro-wrestler Scott Steiner, 52, threatened to kill wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, 61. According to the report, the two were recently involved in a fracas, with Steiner telling Hogan’s wife at an airport that he plans to “kill Terry [Hulk Hogan’s real name]”. Hogan proceeded to call the cops, eliciting an angry response from former ally Steiner.

“I can’t believe the pussy called the cops!” Steiner said. “What kind of a wrestler does he think he is? He used to be a legend but now he’s just soft. This is meant to be a fight to the death.”

Fans of Hogan are equally disappointed, expressing their dismay on Twitter en masse.

@wrestlemaniac: hulk you were my hero but now another person who has let me down

@hardforhogan: i cant belive the news today. hogan is not what he used to be #saddays

@ilovewrestledick: Wrestling is a man’s sport, and it is a man’s responsibility to kill or be killed #steinerforlife

Some have, however, stood up for Hogan.

@reasonablegentleman: The man has a family. He can’t risk his life just for his image

Analysts of the sport have dismissed the sentiment, insisting that a man of his stature cannot afford to be seen as weak.

“Look at him hiding from that chair [being thrown at his face – figuratively speaking],” said promoter Vince McMahon. “He’s cowering beneath his arms, begging for help! And now his colleague could get prison time for doing what a wrestler does. Come on, Hogan. Where is the Hulk?”

A spokesperson for the Hogan family told reporters that Hogan refuses to comment as yet, but that he is meditating like a complete f*****, trying to get over the oh-so-terrible shock of having his life slightly in danger.

Edward Snowden Reveals He Has Seen Every American Man’s Penis

Posted on April 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN LOCATION, RUSSIA –

John Oliver, host of HBO satire Last Week Tonight, interviewed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, in a clip released on Sunday evening. In the course of the interview, Oliver asked Snowden if the NSA had every man’s dick pics. Snowden responded that he himself has personally seen every man in America’s penis, and what he knows is not pretty.

“Every single man in the USA has sent a dick pic at some point in his life, even just to himself,” said Snowden, who is reportedly still in Russia. “And I’ve seen them all. Long, short, fat, thin, ugly and beautiful – I know what yours looks like.”

The interview, organized by Snowden himself, is an apparent attempt to force the government’s hand in granting him immunity from treason charges. Now that the political, legal, and social system in general, are aware of Snowden’s access to the secret of their genitalia, few will be brave enough to try to prosecute him.

“Yup. If you try anything, I’ll tell everyone what an ugly cock you have. In fact, I kept a database of all the dick pics, and I’ll show them to the world!”

Supreme court judge, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, says that they will not be cowed by Snowden’s blackmail.

“You don’t scare us. You think a few dick pics are gonna let you off the hook? You’ve got another thing coming.”

Ginsburg later retracted her comments, after male members of the Supreme Court begged her not to force his hand in releasing the pictures of their male members.

President Barack Obama proudly announced he has nothing to hide.

“I’m proud of what I’ve got, and so should every man be,” Obama wrote. “As Martin Luther King proclaimed, ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color, shape or size of their foreskin, but by the content of their character.”

Apple’s New Range of Emojis Offers Users More Diverse Options In Racism, Sexism

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUPERTINO, California –

Adults and kids alike are rejoicing at Apple’s long-awaited release of 300 new emojis. iOS 8.3 includes in its Emoji keyboard, a range of skin tones for many of the popular faces and characters, promising much improved diversity in text messagers’ racism. Apart from the now default yellow skin color, holding down the relevant key reveals a range of 5 tones, from white to black. Now, when you snidely refer to a racial stereotype, you can find an icon to go along with it, whether you’re insulting caucasians, blacks, or Asians.

“I’m so excited to liven up my bigotry with a whole new bunch of creative characters!” enthused confirmed racist, Regus McMahon. “I can make fun of Christians and Muslims at the same time, with a Middle Eastern Santa Claus. Or, I can portray blacks wearing a fez or whatever that’s called – proving that blacks are agents of Islamic extremism. I can’t wait to get started.”

But other racists have complained after realizing that their hatred had hit a snag.

“If you send to a smartphone that doesn’t have iOS 8.3, or an Android phone, it comes out as the regular characters. So my racial slurs may end up offending my own people,” moaned Ros Lichtenstein. “I tried to portray a lighter shade of black with the picture of the poop, and it came through to my friends as a white person with a poop face!”

Apple has promised that in the near future all phones will be able to receive the various forms of racism, and that, for now, users can be content that there are more representations of gay couples to spew hate towards.

Free Conversion Therapy Offered to Gays Who Have Been Refused Service By Indiana Businesses

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In an attempt to compensate for individuals and groups affected by the state’s new so-called ‘anti-gay’ law, Indiana is offering free conversion therapy to anyone refused service by a store-owner. Governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, has come under intense pressure from activists to step down from his post in the wake of the controversial ruling, but he hopes that this gesture will prove he and his district are not maliciously trying to discriminate.

“Conversion therapy becomes very expensive, with many sessions required in order for it to work,” Pence said about the therapeutic process which supposedly can make a gay person straight. “Yet we want to show that we’re committed to all our citizens, even the homos. Especially the homos – they’re really lucky to be offered such a treat.”

Conversion therapy took its place center-stage a few months ago, after transgender teen Lellah Alcorn (17) committed suicide, attributing her decision to the damage done to her by the controversial treatment.

“It’s fortunate that we’ve been reminded it exists,” continued Pence. “Personally, I’d forgotten all about it – that it was an option, y’know. But the whole of America is now talking about it, and I think even the president mentioned it recently, so that’s quite something.”

President Obama indeed spoke about the treatment, calling for it to be banned. The statement released by his office read: “We share your concern about its potentially devastating effects on the lives of transgender as well as gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer youth. As part of our dedication to protecting America’s youth, this administration supports efforts to ban the use of conversion therapy for minors.”

Pence continued to assert that “as far as I know, lots of research has been done into the treatment. We’re proud to say that any homos or lesbos who felt offended by so-called discrimination, now have something good in store.”

Pence admitted that the research he referred to has continually proved conversion therapy ineffective and potentially harmful but reminded us, “no pain, no gain.”

Revealed: Tom Cruise The Father Of 300 Children

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Startling DNA evidence has revealed that Tom Cruise is the father of at least 300 children. According to sources, these are the offspring of cultish sexual practices done as part of Scientology rituals. This revelation adds more fuel to the ever growing movement against Scientology, which took a hit after a documentary purporting to release it’s secrets went viral.

“They meet in a remote area, where members who have been deemed worthy of the information of the location gather wearing masks,” said expert Tim Menashe. “Announcements are made, and rituals performed, after which a massive orgy takes place.”

Cruise reportedly stumbled upon the assembly after a piano-playing friend of his revealed the location to him at a bar. Cruise had been fighting with then spouse Nicole Kidman, and had gone wandering, finding a costume and arriving late to the gathering. He was then sent upstairs with a prostitute who warned him to leave.

“After much panic and worries of dark conspiracies, Cruise returned to the gathering, where he eventually became a member,” Menashe continued. “It is then that he impregnated tens of women, over and over again, his fertility bringing 300 or more kids into the world.”

Since the report came out, hordes of individuals around America have been rushing to get DNA tests done, in the hopes that they have a chance of being a child of the popular actor.

“The whole thing reminds me of the plot of a movie… I can’t quite remember which one,” Menashe said. “Oh wait – yes, it’s the one with Vince Vaughn. Delivery Man. That’s a funny movie.”

Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards to Reward Pushy, Attention-Seeking Parents of Child Actors

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ORLANDO, Florida –

The Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards for 2015 were held just last week, but already the organization has announced plans for 2016’s event. Nickelodeon intends to increase the amount of awards available, including a category for parents who are best using their children to get famous. The often maligned demographic is said to have campaigned for this award for years, with the justification that they got their children where they are today.

“Without us, our kids would be nothing more than normal, school going children. Plebeians,” said Martha Dimant, head of Child Actors’ Parents (CAP). “We pushed from when they were in the womb and we didn’t stop when they emerged, slimy and disgusting. We made them beautiful, we made them act, sing, and model. And we deserve the credit.”

Sources at Nickelodeon indicate that there was much opposition to including this award, saying it compromises their image of being a healthy way for children to grow up. But, as always, the pushy mothers got what they wanted.

“It’s not a popular move, and will isolate some important members of the corporation,” said one source, on condition of anonymity. “The danger, however, was that parents would stop making their children work from the day they were born, and that there would therefore be a dearth of actors to choose from for future productions. Keeping those parents happy is our greatest priority.”

Unacknowledged parents of former child actors will also get a shot at appreciation, with a further category going to those hard workers who’ve been forgotten. This will be in order to show that this is not just an “in” trend – it spans across generations of fathers and mothers whose only dream was to do what’s best for their kids to get on television.

Other new awards will include categories for talent scouts who manipulated children into signing away much of the riches they’ll earn in their youth careers; grandparents who made the parents feel so inadequate they had to sacrifice their children in order to make themselves feel worthwhile; and the few child actors who make it into adult stardom – and maintain the illusion that this is a good way to get a celebrity career kickstarted.

Google Planning to Release Life-Sized Pac-Man onto Streets

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

On April 1st this year, Google turned its online Maps application into a game of Pac-Man, on the very streets of your hometown. But 6 days after April Fool’s, it seems the option is here to stay, and the world’s largest search engine have announced that adding such features to Maps will be an annual tradition. What we can look forward to in 2016, is our streets literally turning into a giant game of Pac-Man.

“There’ll be big yellow Pac-Men gliding along the roads, eating ephemeral pills and running away from ghosts, Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde,” Herman Melpille, the man behind the initiative, said in a press release. “Road users will be able to impact the game by bashing their cars into the soft characters, causing them to change direction and compromising the strength of the ghosts.”

The game is but a small part of a larger process, which will see Google take over 60% of the world’s streets over the next year.

“Google is moving beyond online maps and into the real world. They’ll be digitalizing the earth’s terrain, starting with first world countries but eventually moving on to those still developing,” explained tech website, Slate. “They’ll be revolutionizing not just the way we look at the world, but how life actually works. The Google car will be the beginning, but eventually our streets and buildings will belong to Google.”

Analysts speculate that the release of games such as Pac-Man is an attempt to soften the public towards their slow takeover. The web giants know that humanity can be appeased by offers of free entertainment.

“We’ve seen it in the past,” Martin Scorpese told Empire News. “With their takeover of the internet, came games such as Plants Vs Zombies. Let’s be honest, that’s not great but it caught the public’s imagination. YouTube was a stroke of genius – endless hours of free entertainment to make the fact that Google captures our most embarrassing moments.”

Among other initiatives rumored to be in the pipelines, are Super Mario characters running around the pipelines, plants actually resisting a zombie apocalypse, and a chance to rescue a princess from an evil gorilla atop a tall building.

10 Reasons You Need to Buy the New Amazon Dash

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

When Amazon released their new product last week, many thought it was an early April Fool’s joke. The Amazon Dash is a tangible version of their online, One-Click purchase capability. Simply press the button and household items will automatically be reordered.

But the Amazon Dash may actually prove useful in the long run. Here are 10 reasons you may consider making it part of your household:

No more time spent considering whether or not you really need new toilet tissue.
Teaches children that a new gadget can actually be really unexciting.
Gives you something to do on the toilet besides playing Candy Crush.
Allows paralysed individuals who can only use their fingers to experience the joys of shopping like everyone else.
We all need a bit more Amazon in our lives.
When Amazon finally uses drones for everything, can create a fun family game of pressing the button and shooting down your delivery.
Pets can be further anthropomorphised by learning to order their own food.
Machines can be further anthropomorphised by ordering own refills, bringing us ever closer to the glory days of robot domination.
Lord it over friends who have to press “A” in their URL line, wait until Amazon.com is autofilled, press enter, and only then order their products.
Archeologists in the future will find them attached to our walls, and understand that the second ice age was actually good in some ways.

There are plenty of people who say that the device is a “waste of money,” but rumors exist that those people are “firmly grasped in reality,” and their opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

Kate Middleton’s Baby Expected to Crown With a Real Crown

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

With speculation predicting Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s due date to be within a month and a half, excitement is growing, and we have added details to get your anticipation to another level. The baby, expected to be a girl, is going to crown wearing an actual crown. When the little princess starts to emerge from Kate’s vagina, sharp points of a crown of pure gold will tear through, ripping the baby from its mother’s womb in true royal style.

“We can confirm that Kate and William’s second baby will literally be crowning,” a spokesperson for the royal family said. “While this may be a painful ordeal for Catherine [Kate], it is a momentous occasion, as this little bugger will be the first ever royal to do so.”

Bookies are taking bets over whether or not Middleton’s anatomy will be ruined for any future babies, with a cesarean section reportedly out of the picture.

“They don’t want surgical procedures to ruin the crowning, and so the Duchess will have to suffer for it,” royal analyst Peter Simon told The Daily Mail. “I’m betting that there’ll be reconstructive surgery, but lightly done so that the next child can crown with an even bigger, more elaborate crown.”

Prince William reportedly supports this logistical decision for the birth, although it may impact on his sex life. Unnamed sources claim to have heard him say, “I can easily get another vagina, but not another crowning baby with a crown.”

When the late Princess Diana was pregnant with Prince Harry, speculation also suggested that the prince would crown with a crown, but in the end he simply emerged wearing a royal blue robe. This time, however, the rumors have been confirmed by the royal family themselves, and we can look forward to getting illicit videos of the event from the paparazzi.