Easter Holiday Provides Cause for Bunnies and Chocolate to Celebrate

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WORLDWIDE –

Did the Easter weekend allow you to spend time with your families, relax, and enjoy life for once? If so, you’re in good company. Bunnies around the world celebrated the rare opportunity to enjoy a healthy meal of chocolate eggs, while glowing in the glory of the one time of the year that they have prominence. The tradition of the Easter Bunny is long-running, and is connected to their love of chocolate, and their abstinence through the rest of the year.

The New Testament states that, “One weekend a year, the bunnies shall inherit the earth.” However, a caveat states that they have the responsibility to, “deliver chocolate eggs to all, and eat chocolate only in that period of the cycle of the sun (Matthew 3:15).”

“Easter is always very special to us,” head of the bunnies, Hopper McJumpstein told reporters. “Most of the year we’re derided as something for dogs to chase; our feet are cut off by people for superstitious good luck; little children buy us and immediately stop feeding us and cry when we run away. But on Easter, no one is more important than the rabbits. Well okay, Jesus Christ is pretty important… But aside from him.”

Pope Francis greeted bunnies visiting the Vatican with enthusiasm, and a smile wider than that he usually portrays.

“I’m a big fan of Bugs Bunny,” he announced to a cheering crowd. “These rabbits will be protected by the Vatican. That is a promise for all time.”

Producers of chocolate also rejoiced, adding that they too are derided as unhealthy for humans and animals alike, but this time of the year they get to play a part in religious destiny.

“Our ancestor, Willy Wonka, is surely looking down on us with grace and joy,” Nestle announced. “We know that he is proud of what we’ve done, and the impact we have on the spiritual world. Without us, chocolates and bunnies would experience only persecution. What we have done is make the humble into happy beings.”

New Jay-Z Streaming Service ‘Tidal’ to Fulfill Goal of Making More Money for Jay-Z

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

New music service, Tidal, has prided itself as being the first artist owned music streaming service. Sean “Jay-Z” Carter is the most prominent name on the list of owners, and reportedly the man who brought the service to popularity amongst other performers. The goal of the service is to make more money for Jay-Z and his brand.

“I make music. I love music. I make money. I love money,” said Jay-Z. “Therefore it makes sense to use this excellent service to pursue those things I love.”

Other names signed on as owners include Carter’s wife Beyonce, Rihanna, Kanye West and Madonna. And although their goals differ slightly from Carter’s, they’re all in it for a similar reason.

“I want to make money for Kanye West,” West is quoted as saying.

“I intend to make more millions for my brand,” Rihanna stated.

“Madonna needs more money. Madonna will get more money,” said Madonna.

Fans of the artists have announced that they are ready and willing to give their money to their favorite celebrities.

“I love giving money to Beyonce,” said fan Halle Coozen. “I’m always looking for new ways to do so, and this is just perfect. Just perfect!”

But cynics are criticizing Carter and company, saying that there are already enough ways to give them money, and Tidal will only detract from the integrity of those mediums.

“iTunes is a great way to pay artists and their labels,” said analyst Mansford Manfred. “I just think Tidal will mean that money that would be going through that channel will be channeled differently. It’s confusing for me. And I don’t want that to compromise my ability to pay the stars I love!”

Lorde to Drop the ‘E’ and Reveal Herself as Lord and Savior

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW ZEALAND –

18-year-old singer-songwriter Lorde is expected to drop the ‘e’ from her name and reveal herself as our Lord and Savior. The New Zealander, formerly known as Ella Yelich-O’Connor, has apparently been waiting for the Easter weekend to pass, to initiate the Second Coming, in accordance with New Testament lore.

“I returned from the dead three days after the Crucifixion,” she wrote in a letter to the New York Times. “Three days from that, ie. this coming Tuesday, I will complete my resurrection, using the medium of pop music to bring in the new Messianic era.”

Christian aficionados around the world reacted with anticipation and fear to the announcement, having waited 2000 years for this moment.

“When she released [her breakthrough single] ‘Royals’, I knew,” said Pastor John Harryworth. “‘Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin’ the hotel room’ is clearly a reference to the incarnation of Christ, through the consumption of his blood in Communion. Ball gowns refers to the parties that will follow her revelation. Trashin’ the hotel room refers to the rapture, when the world will be trashed, like a celebrity’s hotel room.”

But many are worried that the world is not ready for Lorde’s revelation, saying that the rapture will take only the righteous few to heaven, leaving the rest of humanity to hell on earth.

“Look, I appreciate what Lorde’s trying to do, and I must say I love her music – remember that when you choose the righteous, sweetheart – but it’s not the right time,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We need a few years to convert the majority of the 7 billion human beings, and your music will be able to do that. You’re just superb.”

The announcement dispels previous rumors that Lorde was to drop the ‘r’ and become part of a rock formation.

Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a bid to stay relevant in the rapidly changing world of celebrity, Paris Hilton today announced her intention to start her own range of breast implants. Hilton already has ranges of perfume, makeup, and fashion, and is now attempting to branch out into a more boutique industry.

“Women around the world will love what I have in store for them,” she said in a press release. “I know you’ve been waiting to get boobs with my signature of approval, and now they’ll be readily available.”

The personalized breasts are expected to be top of the range, exclusively in the price range of the upper class, drawing criticism from foundations which assist women living with breast cancer who have had surgery on their mammaries.

“She could use her money and status to help sufferers of cancer, but she only cares about girls looking ‘hot’,” said Brenda Firman, head of Breast Awareness. “It’s very disappointing that a person of her stature would be so selfish.”

In the past, Hilton has been criticized for releasing fashion that is too expensive for homeless people who have nothing to wear, perfume too expensive for job seekers who cannot afford deodorant, and makeup too expensive for some survivors of facial disfigurement. She has brushed off all accusations of selfishness, simply stating, “Why do those people not work harder to make money to afford it?”

The false boobs are expected in all sizes and styles, catering for women of every shape.

“From A-cups to Double-D and beyond, we’ve got something for you,” said her representatives. “Our shapes range from round, to oval, to square for the hipster population.”

Friend Kim Kardashian has congratulated Hilton and announced her own intentions of releasing a range of butt implants.

‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The first 5 episodes of the fifth season of Game of Thrones was leaked to the internet earlier this week, and the internet immediately shit its pants with excitement over the news. Many people were clamoring to torrent websites to download the episodes, which were not scheduled to air until April 12th, but had hit the internet on April 10th.

As of this writing, over 45,000 people were seeding, or sharing, each of the 5 episodes on the popular filesharing website bigtorrent.org, and on website Shwashbuckle.net, each episode was being shared by as many as a quarter of a million users.

“We aren’t happy at all that this happened, nope, not a bit,” said HBO spokesman Jim Dugan. “We definitely didn’t leak the episodes ourself for publicity for the show, no, definitely not. And we will argue vehemently with anyone who says otherwise. This show leak is horrible for us. It’s definitely not going to drum up excitement for the rest of the series, causing people to subscribe to us via cable our encourage them to purchase our new network, HBONow, which has every single episode of every single show we have, as well as all the great HBO movies you’ve come to expect from us. Hell no, not a chance.”

Most people who have watched the episodes and reported on them throughout websites and forums, say that the show is still just as good as it’s always been.

“Yeah, I watched them, they were pretty good,” said torrent user MegaCock4UBabez6969. “I mean, the quality wasn’t HD, which pissed me off. But whatever, the episodes were good. There were tits, and there was blood, so I’m happy.”

HBO executives say that they have no plans to release the episodes any sooner just because of the internet leak.

Man at Party Actually Thinks His Story About Bad Restaurant Service is Interesting

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BUTTE, Idaho –

Local man Ed Vermeulen, 37, actually thinks the story he is telling about the bad service he got at a restaurant today is interesting. The bore is, in his deluded opinion, regaling friends at the same dinner party with information on how rude the waitress at Don Pedro’s was, that he was given goats cheese in his chicken salad instead of regular feta, and that their prices were disproportional to their customer care.

“He’s telling us about how he almost didn’t give a tip,” friend Roger Walter mumbled. “At least if he had carried through on that, there’d be something interesting about this anecdote.”

Vermeulen is oblivious to the fact that his hosts are looking nervously at their watches, trying to lead their faltering party in a different direction. He doesn’t even realize that they’ve already interrupted three times, in an attempt to move on to the next course and a new topic of conversation.

“For the amount of money they get paid – and yes, they get paid minimum wage which is more than they deserve – they really should put more effort into their work,” he is saying, drawing an attempt at an argument from one liberal friend, who is shushed by friends who will do anything not to let this story carry on any longer than it needs to. “I mean, Don Pedro’s is a respectable establishment, with a reputation to keep up.”

Acquaintances are nodding their heads, in the hope that he’ll stop talking if they don’t actively participate, but Vermeulen is continuing, saying, “It’s not the only place that’s in my bad books,” bringing audible groans around the table.

TRUE VIRAL NEWS: Maine Woman Runs Over Boyfriend After Catching Him Attempting To Molest Child

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NOBLEBORO, Maine –

A woman in Maine was arrested after running over her boyfriend with a car last Saturday. She alleges that she caught him attempting to sexually assault a 12-year-old girl.

From the NBC news affiliate in Portland, ME:

“Linda Currier, 53, and 48-year-old James Oliver, a convicted sex offender, started fighting around 11:30 p.m. after Currier saw the attempted assault at a Nobleboro residence on East Neck Road. The fight continued outside the home and Currier allegedly ran over Oliver with a car. Deputies said all adults at the home had been drinking prior to the incident.”

Sheriff Todd Brackett with Lincoln County said, “We can’t tell too many details about the case, there were other adults at the residence or in the residence so she wasn’t completely alone in this particular situation.”

Police arrested Currier for assault. Oliver was taken to a local hospital, and later arrested on charges of attempted gross sexual assault, unlawful sexual touching and failing to comply with the sex offender registration act for not updating his address. According to the Maine Sex Offender Registry, Oliver was previously convicted of sexual abuse of a minor and rape.

You can read more on this true story at: Sheriff: woman runs over man after attempted sexual assault

Jeb Bush Plans to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As yet, Senator Ted Cruz is the only Republican to have confirmed his intention to run in the 2016 Presidential Elections. His announcement was accompanied by a tacky video, which was roundly mocked on all social media platforms. Senator Jeb Bush is now expected to be the 2nd Republican candidate to announce his campaign, and with it his own short clip, cramming as much ridiculous rhetoric and gaffes into it as possible.

“In a long tradition of out of touch Republicans, Jeb will probably be the next to release a hilariously misinformed video,” said analyst Pete Richman. “I think he’s gonna go all out with this. Think references to black people getting Ebola; think inaccurate information about the economy; think discrimination against gays and atheists.”

Sen. Bush has been spotted strolling through an upper class white neighborhood, followed by a cameraman, indicating that his chosen representation of American life is based on the wealthy minority, ignoring not only the working class, but the middle class as well.

“While it portrays a sweet, idealized version of America, it’s going to lose him the vast majority whose lifestyles are nothing like he imagines,” continued Richman. “African Americans, workers being paid minimum wage, people who realize that not only the rich need to be taken care of – it’s as if he doesn’t recognize that those are the votes he needs to win.”

Accompanying the video, a series of Twitter gaffes, in which Bush accidentally insults even his own supporters, is expected.

“He’ll probably say something like, ‘The upper class is just the same as everyone else’, which his following will take to mean that they’re as pathetic as they believe working and middle class people are. They’ll say things like, ‘We worked to get where we are; those who don’t make it don’t deserve it,’ and his campaign will spend millions correcting the mistakes they already spent millions on.”

The public can look forward to the already denigrated video coming in early April.

One Direction Now One-Fifth Less Annoying As Zayn Malik Leaves Band

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Concertgoers in South Africa have confirmed that One Direction is one fifth less annoying following the departure of Zayn Malik from the band. Colloquially known as 1D, the four remaining members played at the Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg on Saturday and Sunday night. Among the screaming 12-14 year olds, there were inevitably parents chaperoning, and those who went just for the hell of it.

“I expected a whole other level of annoyingness,” said one pleasantly surprised parent. “They were exactly one fifth less irritating than what I’d been promised. I did the calculations.”

The reports weren’t all positive. Interviewees agreed that the band was, nonetheless, fucking aggravating.

“At one point, one of the members – Liam I think it was – ran off the stage with puffy eyes,” said Chris Hi, who was not quite sure why he was there. “We all thought he was emotional about Zayn’s departure. Turns out the douche had accidentally hit himself in the eye with his microphone, which he’d been coolly flipping around throughout.”

Other ways that the young superstars managed to piss off adult South Africans, included making constant references to Nelson Mandela, sometimes even crowbarring his names into their songs.

“‘You don’t know you’re our role model, and that’s what makes you Nelson Mandela,’ was just one terrible line,” said Ronnie Manson. “They also replaced the name Cecilia with Madiba [an affectionate name used by South Africans to refer to their late president] in reference to the heartbreak caused by his death.”

Young fans, however, professed to being disappointed by the low level of annoyingness exhibited by the now four member band.

“There’s only four hairstyles to talk about!” complained Lisa Garber, 13. “And Zayn was so dreamy – his doe eyes would have irritated the hell out of my dad.”

In an effort to enhance their frustrating stage presence, they did a tribute to Zayn Malik towards the end of the concert. All members of the four piece cried as if someone had died, and waved candles like a bunch of imbeciles.

Indiana Looks Toward Future; Hopes To Ban Blacks, Jews From Stores Next

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The state of Indiana may have shocked the LGBTI community when governor Mike Pence brought the so-called “anti-gay” law, which allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers based on religious principles. But lawmakers have indicated that this is only the beginning. According to reports, the state is looking towards the future in the hopes of approving discrimination against blacks and Jews some day soon.

“We’re very proud of our tradition of bigotry,” said Governor Pence. “It’s a big victory for us, this anti-gay thing. But we must remember there’s a long way to go. The fight against progressive values is still in its early stages, and kicking faggots out of stores is great. The bigger goal, however, is to bring back hatred of blacks and Jews. It’s taken a backseat recently – we’re not okay with that.”

President Obama, amongst others, has condemned Pence’s decision to enact the controversial bill, and has expressed his concerns about the direction the state has chosen to take.

“It’s been a dark couple of months in Indiana’s history,” the President told reporters. “Our proud nation has worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to all citizens. Discriminatory laws such as these are a big blow to liberal democracy. To think that one day I, the president of this great nation, might be kicked out of a store in Indiana by a Bible basher, is devastating and absurd.”

Jewish groups have also made their voice heard in protesting the bill. The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), who usually don’t give a fuck about LGBTI rights, have swiftly denounced Pence, stating that “this is a kick in the guts for all those who are against discrimination. If reports are accurate that Jews are next, then the LGBTI community is responsible for fighting the law, tooth and nail, and we’ll be with them all the way. If not, well, they can take care of themselves.”