Electricity To Be Shut Off For 4 Days Throughout Entire State of New York

Posted on March 21, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK, New York-

You may want to make sure that your tablets, cell phones, and laptops are charged up if you plan on staying in New York during the upcoming power outage. A letter will be sent to residents of New York in regards to a mandatory power outage that will take place in April 2015.

For at least four days, all power in New York will be turned off, and the state is urging residents to be prepared for the darkness.

“Work needs to be done on the power supply, lines, and power sources throughout the state,” said NY Power representative Richard Sweat. “To make sure that everything goes smoothly, all power servers must be turn offed during the procedure. Please understand that we have no choice in the matter; fully charge your devices ahead of time to avoid further issue.”

Fears of riots and looting are New York Governor Carl Gardner’s main concern during the power outage, and a curfew will be set to anyone living or visiting the Big Apple.

“We will be cutting off late-night travel throughout the state,” said Gardner. “No one will be allowed to roam once the sun has set. Candles will be provided for free at local grocery stores beginning at the end of March, and some stores will have government issued flashlights on sale for a low cost.”

The beginning date for the power outage hasn’t been announced yet, but will happen sometime in April of this year. It is advised to be prepared as soon as possible.

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

Posted on March 21, 2015 by JP

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin–

Joe Palemro is in an outrage after he was recently cut from his high school football team. The cut was not due to his grades or playing skills, but rather for something he didn’t feel he had to do. Palemro was an outstanding wide receiver for his school and reportedly had a lot of potential, being the first 14-year-old freshman to ever start on the varsity team.

Unfortunately, his playing days may be behind him, unless he transfers schools. Palemro was cut out of the blue after he refused to take a shower with his coach after practice. He claims that his coach told him that he needed to shower after each practice, but Palemro felt uncomfortable that his coach took showers with the players, and says he would normally wait until he got home to freshen up.

“It was weird, and it always was, and finally I got sick of doing it. I understand that in this sport you need to shower with your teammates, because it builds solidarity and all that, and that’s fine I guess, but we shouldn’t have to do this with our coach. He made the showers after practice mandatory as if it was a part of practice or something,” said Palemro.

The school and coach have not commented on the matter, and have side-stepped the accusations completely. The only comment we got from the school was that they were behind their football coach 100%, and what ever he says goes when it comes to running his team.

“We’d sooner let a young, great player get cut from the team than we would question the tactics of Coach Goldsmith,” said school superintendent Richard Head. “He’s brought this school 11 state championships in 15 years, so he’s kind of a God around here. If showering with the boys is what he does, then showering with the boys is what we’ll let him do.”

Abortion Clinic Busted For Selling Fetuses To Chinese Restaurant

Posted on March 20, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

SELLERSBURG, Indiana –

A local Sellersburg establishment was shut down by police and health inspectors this week, after an investigation of the Beijing Chinese restaurant showed that they were purchasing aborted fetuses from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic.

Police first became aware of the Beijing restaurant using human fetuses as part of their cuisine when several people were hospitalized after eating at the restaurant. Representatives from the Sellersburg Department of Health were called by doctors at Clark Memorial Hospital to investigate the conditions at Beijing, assuming improper food storage or preparations. The Department of Health was shocked at what they found.

“They had an entire walk-in refrigerator dedicated to unborn fetuses, all of them in different stages of dismemberment. It was clear they were using them as part of their recipes.” Said Brendan Kelly, department head for the Sellersburg D.O.H. “We immediately closed the restaurant, and contacted state officials.”

“We were contacted by the Department of Health, who informed us that a local abortion clinic may be selling discarded fetuses to the Beijing restaurant.” Said Captain Joseph Goldsmith of the Indiana State Police. “We moved in quickly on both establishments, making sure that we got a lock on all this as soon as possible.”

Along with the owners of the Beijing Restaurant, Soi Cha and Fo Shi, officials also arrested two men from the Sunbright Family Planning Clinic. Alex Coates and Ryan Wintson will be facing charges for their part in the theft and sale of the fetuses, which officials believe had been happening for years.

“Alex and Ryan were two members of our nighttime cleaning crew who’d worked for us for almost 6 years.” Said Doctor Thomas Telford of the Sunbright Clinic. “I am shocked that they could or would do something like this. Sickened and appalled.”

All four men will be facing charges in Sellersburg Superior Court. Cha and Shi, the purchasers of the unborn fetuses, are charged with assault and attempted manslaughter, because of the illnesses they caused in customers, as well as with the lesser charge of dismembering a corpse, which is a misdemeanor in the state of Indiana. Coates and Winston are being charged with theft and sale of human remains, theft of medical supplies and equipment, theft of medical waste, assault, and attempted manslaughter. Each are facing up to a 9 year sentence if convicted.

“This is without a doubt the most disturbing thing that’s happened in this town.” Said Kelly. “We never expected to come across something so dark and grotesque.”

Both Beijing and the Sunbright Clinic have been closed for investigation until further notice. Doctors at Sunbright Clinic say they were completely unaware that this was happening in their offices, and at the time of this writing, no charges were being filed against any of their medical staff.

Bill Gates Lobbies To Have His Face Put On U.S. $20 Bills

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MEDINA, Washington –

Billionaire businessman and founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, is lobbying to have his face put onto U.S. $20 bills. The move comes in response to a growing desire to see “more original” money in circulation, and aims to replace President Andrew Jackson. Jackson has been the face of the $20 bill since 1928, but the 7th President of America is controversial in some circles and many want him off their money.

“I’ve worked hard my whole life to get to where I am today,” Bill Gates told the press. “I’m really rich so, technically, I should be able to get anything I want. I want to be on the $20 notes, and that should be granted to me. I have lots and lots of money. Since I own more money, and ergo, more twenty dollar bills than anyone else on the planet, I should be able to have my face on them.”

But critics say that, just because he has so much money, does not mean he owns the actual concept.

“Yes, he owns lots of currency,” said Lupel Troon. “But he doesn’t own the currency. That is the possession of the American people, and won’t change, even if he manages to possess most of it.”

Other pundits have been more amenable to Gates’s demands.

“He is the greatest manifestation of the American dream. It only stands to reason that he should be honored for this, and what more appropriate way than to put him on the money?”

Communist group, Equality For All (EFA), have rallied against Gates, saying he represents “everything that is wrong with America.”

“This is why capitalism does not work! It’s just another word for greed. Every American citizen should be represented on the currency, because we all work hard, and everyone deserves equal. Imagine no possessions – it’s easy if you try.”

Gates responded dismissively, saying, “Screw the commies. How do they even still exist? Anyway, they’re not gonna get in the way of big money.”

The bulk of our great capitalist nation tends to agree.

Hacker Group “Anonymous” Gives In-Depth Critique of Taylor Swift’s Dating Choices

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN, Internet –

Last week, hacker group Anonymous posted a strange video on YouTube, giving lengthy admonitions to rapper Kanye West. The six minute clip showed a man in a Guy Fawkes mask – as is usual in appearances made by members of the group – talking about West’s childish rants about Beck, Kim Kardashian’s naked photos, and the bad example they’re setting for the nation’s children, as well as their own. Many were surprised that Anonymous chose to target West, but the hackers have managed to top their own unpredictability. Earlier today, a video was released targeting Taylor Swift, giving an in-depth critique of her dating choices.

“You go on too many dates, Taylor,” said the masked figure, in a digitally altered voice. “But it’s your taste in boys that gets to us. You dated a Jonas brother, for God’s sake. We need not comment on that one.

“Then you dated Taylor Lautner. Firstly, he has the same name as you. No respectable human being dates someone who shares their name. Secondly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner. Thirdly, he looks like an alpaca. Forthly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner.”

The clip did not stop there, choosing to go on to bash John Mayer, calling him “a pretentious douche”.

But it wasn’t all bad. They made special mention of Jake Gyllenhaal, who they hailed as the best decision of her life, and lamented their break-up.

“Jake is something special. You showed wisdom in selecting him, proving to us that you do have at least some taste. Yes, he broke up with you via text, which was pretty shit of him, but, as you yourself say, your exes ‘will tell you I’m insane’.

“You effectively canceled out the merit you won by dating Jake, when you decided to couple with Harry Styles. He’s like twelve years old. He has stupid hairstyles. He looks like a lesbian. And he’s a member of One Direction. Now, we like One Direction as much as the next person, but would never be so shortsighted as to think a relationship with one of those guys could actually be healthy and positive. For God’s sake Taylor – you really have to up your game!”

Anonymous are expected to go after Adam Sandler next, explaining why all of his movies are a crime against moviegoers everywhere.

Disney To Finally Release Racist Classic Movie ‘Song of the South’ In U.S.

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Disney has announced that they are going to release classic movie Song of the South on home video for the first time in the U.S. Release of VHS copies of the film was put on hold indefinitely in the fifties, amid controversy of the blatantly racist depiction of African Americans in what was Disney’s first live-action release. The mass media corporation has decided, however, that the current era presents the perfect climate for the release of the beloved classic.

“I think we’re finally at a point where we can all sit back and laugh at the parochialism demonstrated by the old film directors,” said Disney executive Peter Rhynoldt. “I’m pretty sure that today’s black Americans can take the sentiment from whence it came, and realize that the offense caused back then no longer applies to them.”

Race groups have slammed the Disney Company, saying that, on the contrary, Song of the South will add fuel to the flames of already flared up racial tension.

“What’s going on, not only in Ferguson but also in the so-called ‘liberal’ cities of the U.S. is a perpetuation of white privilege and constantly renewed suspicion of African Americans,” said Donald Jackson, head of the Racial Equality Engineers. “Song of the South presents such outdated, racist tropes about the inferiority of the black man, which could have an influence on this generation’s youth.”

Democratic Senator, Richard Fein, agreed with Jackson.

“It’s anachronistic,” he told media. “I find it pretty absurd that anyone could think this was appropriate. The reality is, whoever is making this decision is just stupid.”

Rhynoldt has so far refused to back down, saying that they’re going through with this “come hell or high water.”

“It’s not nearly as bad as they say it is. There’s that sweet old guy, and the cool zippidy-do-da song. Besides, didn’t Kanye West say that racism no longer exists? This film serves as nothing more than historical documentation.”

Doctors Say Wrapping Penis In Bacon Is ‘100% Effective’ Contraceptive

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new and delicious method of contraception is being touted as the end to unwanted pregnancy. Doctors say that after many tests, including their own private experiments, wrapping the penis in bacon is 100% effective at preventing conception. Although the mechanics of the method have not been divulged, speculators say that it will revolutionize not just contraception, but sex itself.

“Many sex-hungry adults already incorporate food into their coitus,” said Thibaut Mannis. “From chocolate body paint, to eating peanut butter out of a vagina, our nations borderline perverts have come up with a large variety of ways to utilize the sensation of taste into their experience. This development takes it to a new level.”

Teenage pregnancies in particular are expected to drop drastically, as it is no secret that US youth love bacon as much or more than sex itself.

“The idea of using our nation’s obesity problem to counter irresponsible sexual practices is simply ingenious,” said analyst Michael Barker. “Instead of fighting a losing battle, we’re going to take advantage of one health issue to solve another. Brilliant.”

Michelle Obama is reportedly a fan of the new method, with sources saying it fits in with her drive for healthier eating.

“The First Lady knows that she’ll never succeed at getting bacon off the menu,” said spokesperson Hazel Truman. “She long ago resigned herself to the fact that that unhealthy choice is here to stay. So giving the consumption of bacon a positive use is very much in line with her policies. Furthermore, she reckons that, with the meat potentially being swallowed up by vaginas, it may prevent a certain amount of oral ingestion. Except in the case of oral sex of course.”

Doctor Randy Dougan, who led the groundbreaking study, accepted the plaudits.

“I am a brilliant mind with an even better sexlife,” he announced. “The combination of those aspects, along with my love for food, have brought me to prominence, and I will go down in history, as many horny lovers go down on each other to the delicious taste of pig.”

Scientist Says He Discovered Cure For AIDS; Reportedly ‘Very Simple’

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.

Death Row Inmate Survives Execution; Released From Prison

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DICKSON, Tennessee –

A Tennessee death row inmate has been released from prison today after two attempts to execute him have failed. Peter Farmington was convicted of 3 counts of murder in the first degree when he pled guilty to murdering his wife and their two young children in March of 2006.

The prison warden, Joseph Goldsmith, called Farmington’s survival “a divine intervention.”

“We have two methods of execution in the state of Tennessee.” said Goldsmith. “It is has always been our tradition to let the inmate choose how they want to go. Mr. Farmington is the first person to try their hand at both options. We are taking it as a sign from God that this man is just not meant to die.”

Farmington had his first execution scheduled in late 2013 via lethal injection. At that time, his body did not react to the sodium thiopental, which is the first in a series of three drugs given to someone being executed. Sodium thiopental is designed to render a person unconscious before they inject bromide, which causes paralysis, and finally potassium chloride, which induces cardiac arrest.

Dr. Robert Liston was the medical examiner on staff for the state prison during Farmington’s first execution.

“I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a medical doctor.” Said Liston. “Sodium thiopental is not something someone can generally be ‘immune’ to, but Farmington’s body did not react. The drug should have hit him within 30 seconds. We waited over ten minutes, then dosed him again. Nothing.”

Doctors and prison staff had no choice but to postpone the execution, and the governor granted temporary reprieve for Farmington, giving him another six months on death row, while he awaited his second execution date.

Last week, the prison again tried to execute Farmington, this time via electric chair.

“Farmington chose to not go through lethal injection a second time, and opted for electrocution.” Said Goldsmith. “We hadn’t fired up ol’ sparky since 2007, but it was his choice and we honored it.”

Prison officials were stunned when, for a second time, Farmington was spared death, this time when the electric chair failed to operate.

“We threw those switches, and on the third flip, you’re supposed to see sparks fly, but we saw nothing.” Said Goldsmith. “We got Farmington out of the chair, hooked everything back up, fired it up, and it worked like a charm. We didn’t even try putting him back in again.”

Per federal law, Farmington was immediately released from prison, as any inmate who survives his execution twice is automatically allowed a full pardon.

“We wish Farmington all the best in his new life outside prison walls.” Said Governor Bill Haslam as he signed Farmington’s release forms. “This man may be a bloodthirsty, violent individual, but some higher power has given him a second chance at life. We certainly hope he uses it for something better this time around.”

Attorneys for Farmington could not be reached for comment.

Surgeons Remove Toy From Man’s Rectum For 37th Time

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A man was recently admitted to the Crestwood Medical Center in Huntsville, Alabama for surgery to remove a toy that had become lodged inside his rectal cavity. The man, whose full name is unknown but who doctors refer to as “Buzz,” has had the exact same procedure done previously an astounding 36 times, all at the same hospital within the last 3 years.

Doctors are well aware that Buzz’s story about how it happens is completely false, but they say it makes for a good laugh every time they see him limp through the door.

“He likes to say that his son leaves all his toys and action figures around, on the couch and on the chairs, and because Buzz doesn’t notice, when he sits down, there they go – to infinity and beyond. We humor him, because he’s got full insurance and the money is coming in.” said Dr. Timothy Allen, the surgeon who treats Buzz.

The hospital has tried to work with Buzz to see a sexual therapist, but Buzz refuses and insists that it is an accident, and he is not inserting characters inside himself for any sort of sexual thrill.

“I can believe once…maybe. I don’t even think I could believe it could happen twice.” Said Andy Davis, a nurse at Crestwood who has previously treated Buzz during his recovery from surgery. “I definitely cannot even think about this happening 37 times without this man really needing some professional help. He needs a therapist, or possibly a prostitute.”

When asked why the hospital continues to give him back the extracted toy after each surgery, Dr. Allen said the answer to that was the strangest part of the whole story.

“We’re not giving him the figure back. We discard it each and every time. Yet when he comes back to us, it’s the exact same toy. The man must really like the way it feels…[or] if you believe his story, his son has the most boring toy collection imaginable.”

The hospital has said that they would continue to treat Buzz whenever he needed their services, although they did say they hope at least once he comes in with a flu or a broken arm.