Show’s Writers No Longer Sure Why ‘Family Guy’ Still Exists

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Writers for the popular animated sitcom, Family Guy, have admitted that they have no idea why the series still exists. The show is currently in its 13th season, and does not look like it will be slowing down soon. The premise consists of a family of five and their talking dog Brian, experiencing mishaps while non-sequitur flashbacks tell one or two line jokes.

“I don’t know what we were ever doing, let alone what we’re doing now,” said Mike Henry. “Yeah, it’s funny at times, but is it telling a story? No. Is it making political points? Most of the time not. Do people actually like it? I don’t know – maybe the viewers have some morbid curiosity as to where the show might go next.”

And it’s exactly that question – where might the show go next – that fellow writer Alex Borstein answered.

“We never know what we’re going to write before we write it,” she told reporters. “So we have no idea where the show is going next. That’s why it’s such a mystery that it still exists. It has no purpose, no goal, no meaning… well I guess that sums up [Family Guy creator] Seth [Mcfarlane] too… Huh.”

Mcfarlane defended his creation, saying that all the fun is in Family Guy’s total unpredictability.

“How’s Peter going to embarrass his family next time? When is Brian going to die and come back to life again? Will Stewie ever kill Lois? Does that sub-plot even exist anymore? No one knows, least of all me.”

Most of the writers did concede, however, that its existence was not nearly as bewildering as that of another Mcfarlane series, American Dad.

“It’s basically a cheap rip-off of Family Guy,” said a writer for the unsubtle, ill-considered satire of American patriotism. “And we’re on the 10th season. Why did this show ever exist?”

Ex-writers for Macfarlane’s now-cancelled series The Cleveland Show say that they are glad their show has ended. “If no one can understand how Family Guy has made it this far, then there’s no way we should have ever been on the air in the first place with Cleveland,” said an anonymous former writer. “Thank God that show is over. Now I can go back to writing for real TV shows, like COPS.”

Rapper Drake Among 4 Wounded In Lil’ Wayne Home Shooting

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Sacred Heart Hospital has confirmed that rapper Drake is among the four artists wounded when a SWAT team raided Lil Wayne’s home. Reports of a shooting at the Miami mansion were later revealed to be a hoax, by a still unidentified individual. Police teams stormed in, shooting “suspicious looking individuals”, who later turned out to be fellow partiers of Lil Wayne’s.

“Lil Wayne hangs out with all the other rappers, it seems,” said chief of homicide, Angel Batista. “They all have the same lifestyle and career, so why not spend all their time together? I think it’s sweet.”

Drake has spoken up from his hospital bed, decrying the ongoing paranoia that white cops have towards African Americans.

“This ain’t Ferguson. This is Miami!” he said. “They’s supposed to be liberals here. But they see a bunch of black dudes and start shooting. They must be held to account.”

Lil Jon is reportedly another rapper wounded in the police blunder, but friends say that he’ll hold no grudges.

“He knows he looks like a criminal,” said an anonymous source. “The teeth, the bling, the herrr. Erthin about him says jail time.”

Drake will be filing a lawsuit against Miami PD, but the force is expected to blame the “swatter.”

“We’re doing everything we can to find him,” said a member of the hoax and jokes department. “He’s caused injurious harm to four important contributors to society, and it wasn’t even funny. In fact, it was a poor practical joke, that shouldn’t have led to the stupid overreaction of our SWAT team. You know what? Actually it is the SWAT team that should take responsibility. I’ve heard the emergency call. Dude, even a deaf man could tell it’s a fake.”

The names of the remaining two injured rappers have yet to be released, but they’re rumored to be Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre. Initially, Eminem was named among the wounded, but speculators soon realized that he was the last guy at that party likely to be shot.

Harrison Ford Fails At Badass Death Attempt

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SANTA MONICA, California –

Harrison Ford has once again narrowly failed at carrying out a badass finale to his life. Ford crashed his World War II-era plane into a golf course last week, and is apparently “lucky to be alive.”

“It’s remarkable, really. Almost like one of his movies,” said expert Tarry Lupone. “Things were shaky from the takeoff, when he realized his plane – over half a century old, remember – was having problems. He turned back, contacting the airport to clear a runway for an emergency landing. Then he crashed anyway before he reached it. How did he survive? That plot point must have been written in by someone unaware of the badassery of that sort of death.”

Ford’s family have expressed their happiness at his well being, but admitted their empathy for the disappointment he must feel at having failed at living out the fairy-tale ending.

“Harry’s really down,” said wife, Calista Flockhart. “I’m glad to still have him in my life, but I promised when I married him to support his dreams, no matter what difficulties. This has been a lifelong dream, and to see it fall apart again – at the last minute – is hard for all of us.”

Son Liam expressed similar sentiments.

“I love daddy,” said the toddler. “I also love his work, and I want his career to play out in the way it’s supposed to. It’s the sign of a great man to get up and try to die again after numerous failures. I hope daddy dies soon, in a badass way of his choosing. It’ll be something to brag to my friends about.”

Fans, however, have other concerns about the actor dying “too soon,” especially when there are films being greenlit that need Ford’s star-power or involvement to work.

“There’s still Blade Runner II yet to be made! And what about the upcoming Star Wars films?” said blogger Kate Redman. “I understand and support what he wants, but it’s selfish to rush it. He’s still got a few good years ahead of him, in which he’ll have loads of opportunities to die in an even more badass ways.”

Ford says that in the end, he might just get inside of a lead-lined refrigerator and have a nuclear bomb dropped on top.

“I’m pretty sure that it might really kill me,” said the star. “Would it even be possible to survive that?”

Deluded DEA Junkies Think They Can Win Drug War

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Deluded DEA junkies have once again expressed unwarranted belief that they can win the “War on Drugs.” Members of the administration, who must be high on something really potent, told reporters that they’ve made a lot of headway in the last few years, and are close to a decisive victory.

Michele Leonhart, head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, who recently expressed her insane fear that rabbits might get stoned if the legal marijuana industry grows, says that her team are doing all they can to keep humans and animals away from drugs.

“Rabbits are getting high,” she slurred. “And Obama-Pama-Llama thinks that marijuana is safer than alcohol. Well that’s dumb and not cool at all. Rabbits deserve to drink alcohol. Alcohol deserves to be legal. Drugs are bad… Drugs are baaaa-aaad.”

Second in command, Rudolph Potgieter, agreed with her sentiments.

“Drugs are baaaa-aaad. Rabbits are safe. Alcohol must not be getting high,” he said at the same press conference. “We can win. We’re almost there. No teenagers do drugs anymore it’s not cool and all the dealers are in jail where we put them woohoo. Walter White is dead and blue meth a bad dream. You killed Uncle Hank!”

Drug dealers across the country were unphased by the DEA’s assessment.

“They’re our biggest customers,” said a dealer, identified only as Clayvon. “They don’t know they getting drugs. They think it’s magic powder. It is, sorta, and we feed them ideas bout how they winning and all, and that drugs no longer exist.”

The Obama administration expressed their dismay at the level of delusion the DEA has sunk to.

“The rabbit thing was bad,” said spokesperson Jay Carney. “So was the whole ‘alcohol is safer’ debacle. But this? They think they’re winning? They think they’ve even got a chance? They really need to get off whatever it is they’re taking.”

Mariah Carey Ordered To Pay Nick Cannon $1M Per Month In Child Support

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Mariah Carey has been ordered to pay ex-husband, Nick Cannon, one million dollars a month in child support. The ruling comes even though Carey has retained custody of their kids. The money is reportedly for Cannon’s own use.

“It’s always the kids who get hurt most in a divorce, and Cannon is clearly the victim here,” said Judge Tina Walters. “He’s just a small boy, trying to live a functional life in a normal, happy family. And yes, technically the ‘kids’ are living with Mariah. But who needs it more? Poor little Nick does, that’s who.”

Carey will not feel financial pressures from the ruling, as her reported net worth stands at a staggering $510 million. However, the former American Idol judge, which is perhaps the most condescending way of describing this legendary singer, plans to appeal.

“It’s not about the money, it’s a matter of principle,” said close friend, Hilda Hatsley. “Yes, Nick is a child, but he’s not her child. She married him – that’s not the same as adoption. She looked after him, which was never in the marriage contract in the first place. It’s not her job to keep him above water.”

Nick Cannon himself thinks that the order is fair.

“I’m not rich. She’s rich,” the rapper explained, using his words. “Therefore she should give me money. That’s how it works. I’m Robbing Hoodster – that guy in tights. I am the man. I am the man-child. I rock.”

Friends of Cannon have come to his defense.

“Nick’s not a child,” a source told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s a self-made man. Wikipedia calls him ‘an American actor, comedian, rapper, entrepreneur, record producer, and radio and television personality”. That’s a lot of things so kudos to him… Oh, wait, I don’t want to ruin his chances as real money. Er…I was joking about his accomplishments. Nick simply cannot look after himself. He needs all the help he can get.”

New England Man With Agoraphobia Hasn’t Left House In 10 Years, Still Bitching About Snowstorms

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire

You may have heard the term “agoraphobia” and you may even know that it refers to a fear of stepping outside your home. Maybe you learned it from that old Incubus song, or maybe you’re simply not a dumbass. Whatever the case, you’ll have sympathy for this New England man who hasn’t left his house in 10 years. Yes, that’s 10 years.

Daniel Wiley was a well-adjusted 22-year-old when he experienced his first attack of agoraphobia. The year was 2003, and New England was in the midst of a terrible snowstorm.

“That fucking snowstorm ruined my life,” he muses. “I had everything I had ever wanted. A job, a steady girlfriend, a family who loved me. And then one day I had it all taken away. Goddamit, it was cold out. Anyone would’ve done the same.”

The condition progressed to the point that Wiley could not even bear the thought of going out, in case there was another snowstorm.

“I hate when it’s too cold. It’s just plain uncomfortable. I’m not strange, I just don’t like the cold. It makes me shiver.”

Friends and family have urged him to move to Florida or California, where the climate is much warmer and not conducive to snow, but Daniel says he won’t let his condition dictate his life.

“Move? I’m not moving because of a stupid snowstorm. Only a sucker would do that. I looked outside the other day and there was 6 feet of snow on the ground. I almost vomited. But it’s not gonna stop me from living where I want to live and doing the things I want to do. I’ll just wait it out. Snowstorms are just a way of life up here. My way of life, though, happens to be staying the hell away from them. It’s nice and cozy in my house. ”

School Suspends Student For Gun Shaped Birthmark

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILFORD, Connecticut –

A 13 year-old middle school student was suspended today when a teacher noticed that the boy had a “gun shaped” birthmark on his leg. The boy, whose name was not released at his parents’ request, wore shorts to school for the first time this year, and when the teacher, Charlene Brooks, saw the birthmark on his leg she immediately informed the school principal and superintendent.

“You cannot be too careful in this day and age. We don’t want to promote guns or gun violence in our schools. What if another kid in the class saw that? He might have gotten excited and wanted a gun birthmark, too.” Said Brooks, an English teacher at Milford Jr. High. “I don’t think it’s appropriate in our school.”

Recently throughout the country there has been an excessive amount of “gun paranoia” in schools, with children being suspended or even expelled for things as menial as biting a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun or even just pointing a finger at someone else and saying “boom,” which is what happened only a few short months ago in Ohion to 10 year-old Nathan Entingh.

“I cannot believe that this is happening to my son.” Said the parent of the suspended student. “This is way too far. He can’t control this. This is completely and utterly absurd. It was 94 degrees here yesterday. Is he supposed to wear pants every day until the end of the school year? Or maybe they want me to chop his leg clean off?”

According to school superintendent Donna Winter, that is exactly what the school expects.

“When [name deleted] returns to school in 4 days, we will still have just about a week left of school. We are expecting that he will continue to wear long pants throughout the school year, and indeed, for the remainder of his schooling here in the Milford School District. Of course, he is always allowed to take the extreme decision of removing his leg entirely. It’s possible that would be best not only for his return to school, but also for his future. We’re talking about guns, here.”

The parents have contacted a lawyer with the American Civil Liberties Union to argue that it is outside of the school’s rights to force only their son to wear long pants. “Either everyone has to wear pants, or my son doesn’t either. We can’t make everyone else have gun shaped birthmarks, so they can’t make him wear pants.”

The family is debating on homeschooling their son for the remainder of his education to avoid any further conflict. It is unclear, at this time, whether or not there will be any police involvement with the student for his “carrying a concealed birthmark.”

The Black Keys Told By Record Company to ‘Liven Up’ for Next Album

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The Black Keys may be one of the most popular blues bands around today, but their record company thinks they’re due a change. In order to increase sales of their next album, Nonesuch Records has told the melancholy rockers to “liven up”. The band has been very successful with their sombre sound thus far, and this potential change could see their audience changing.

“The boys are a bit… whiny,” said Nonesuch spokesman, Jack Wilkinson. “Dan [Auerbach] and Patrick [Carney] have gotten rather self-indulgent, don’t you think? A bit more happiness and fun would do us all some good.”

Fans of the duo have been mixed in their response to the news. However, a significant minority say that it’s about time.

“I love the Black Keys, I do,” said superfan, Carrie Knight. “But… they moan a lot – like, a lot. Life’s not that bad, come on. I’d love to see what they do with faster beats and some major chords, along hopefully with fun lyrics about love affairs which have worked out swell.”

Others have been less than enthusiastic.

“If they become happy, that’s it,” said emo kid, Johnny Galbraith. “It’ll be like My Chemical Romance did with [final record] ‘Danger Days’. It was so disappointing to hear Gerard [Way] sound like he actually enjoyed life. I don’t want that to happen to any other of the artists I love and wish the best for.”

Guitarist and vocalist, Dan Auerbach, spoke to Empire News, letting us in on the background that led to their label’s latest prompt.

“I’ve written about twenty songs for the next album,” he said. “We were gonna choose about eleven or twelve for the final cut, but Nonesuch’s dude got real down while listening to the samples. He went home and killed himself, so they sent a new guy with the same result. That’s why they’ve dropped this bombshell on us – it’s not for the sake of the music; it’s their selfish desire to avoid lawsuits.”

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Gay Republicans

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In a landmark ruling in the New York Supreme Court, the progressive state will be the first in the US to legalize gay Republicans. The ruling is in response to years of activism from all three of the gay Republican senators in the state, including a protest which made use of a tear-jerking viral video showing gay elephants humping.

“We’re delighted at this huge step forward,” said the leader of the three, Bono Williams. “It’s been a long time coming, and we’re relieved that we can finally be acknowledged in living a lifestyle that for centuries has been seen as immoral and unlawful.”

Chair of the LGBTI Rights Foundation of New York, Pepper Staysoft, applauded the courage of the three unique freedom fighters.

“Everyone deserves their liberty, and gay Republicans are a group who have long had their rights neglected,” Staysoft wrote. “Yes, it affects only a tiny proportion of the population, but for those three people the ruling will be life-changing.”

The ruling is another victory for supporters of the right for bi-partisan sexual preferences and, according to Bono Williams, sets a precedent for future political freedoms.

Speaker of the US House of Representatives, Republican John Boehner, said however that its another step in the “erosion of the moral stature of our country. I have nothing against homosexuals. Some of my best friends are homosexuals. But allowing the recognition of gay Republicans compromises the sanctity of Republicanism. How are our children meant to grow up into proud conservatives when their role models are liberal anarchists?”

Other Republicans disagreed with Boehner’s sentiments and expressed their approval of the decision.

“I think it’s great for those folks,” said 2012 presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “From what I understand, homosexual simply means ‘A member of the primate genus Homo, especially a member of the species Homo sapiens, distinguished from other apes by a large brain and the capacity for speech’, and I see no reason why these individuals should be treated any differently by us heterosexuals.”

Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Two tragic incidents in the past month have led to a bill being passed by Congress criminalizing ownership of pit bulls. The drastic move comes after a West Virginia native was attacked and killed by a pit bull as he tried to resuscitate the dog’s dying owner. Both men were pronounced dead on arrival at the local hospital.

“It’s a tragedy that could have been avoided, no doubt,” said Chief of Police, John Stamson. “We’ve seen time and again that ownership of dangerous animals leads to these kinds of incidents, and it’s about time something was done to stop it.”

In February, a 2-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was killed by the same aggressive breed.

“It’s unconscionable to say that there should be no laws pertaining to these beasts,” said Congressman Bill Flambert. “I myself own a dog – a beautiful black lab named Tubby – and I know that they become part of the family, and the feelings of current owners should be taken into account. But to say that they’re ‘gentle and harmless’ as most owners do, is just blurring reality. Just as a dangerous family member needs to be incarcerated, it’s time pit bulls were removed from suburbia.”

The Pit Bull Owners Association of the US hit back at the new law, saying that unfair media prejudice is to blame for a misperception of their breed.

“Most pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dogs,” said chairperson Robert Foundling. “Yes, occasionally a formerly gentle specimen goes apeshit and kills a toddler, another dog, or sometimes a feeble adult, but it’s the exception not the rule. I understand people are attached to their toddlers, but that can’t mean any threat to their wellbeing is dismissed or euthanized. Soon they’ll be outlawing cars in suburbia, because of the rare occasion that someone backs over a kid playing in a driver.”

Flambert responded that the Pit Bull Owners Association members are “missing the point.”

“The dogs have the words ‘pit’ and ‘bull’ in their name, for fuck’s sake. What more evidence do you need that they pose a drastic danger that is far beyond that of a chihuahua or a Bichon Frisé?!”

The Pit Bull Owners Association say that they will fight the new law, or be forced to take every single Pit Bull and move to Canada.