New J.K. Rowling Book to Tell the Story of the Slow Death of Lord Voldemort’s Final Horcrux

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

To the delight of millions of Harry Potter fans around the world, billionaire author JK Rowling has announced that she is working on yet another sequel to the hugely popular series. The next book, tentatively titled, The Final Years, will not however tell of the adventures of Harry and his friends.

“I decided to end the series quite definitively,” Rowling wrote to members of her fan site, Pottermore. “By telling of what happened 19 years later, I ensured that I could not be tempted into writing a further sequel. However, the fate of Voldemort’s final horcrux was never revealed, and that is what The Final Years will detail.”

Indeed, the termination of the horcrux’s existence was only hinted to in the chapter entitled King’s Cross Station. It appears as a deformed life-form, struggling to survive in limbo between life and death. Harry returns to the world of the living before the readers are told of its final demise.

“Many fans were left unsatisfied,” said UK publisher Bloomsbury. “We saw the demand for this revelatory story and, after much begging and pleading, persuaded Joanne [Rowling] to come out of her Harry Potter retirement for just one more book.”

Details have been released exclusively on Pottermore as to the basic plot outline which can be expected.

After Harry returns to the living world, the struggling horcrux is left alone with Dumbledore, the text reads. Dumbledore gives it one last pitying look, shakes his head in sadness, and is beamed up to heaven in a bright light. The horcrux is then left on its own, while the rest of Voldemort is killed in battle with Potter. It continues to whimper, alone and helpless, without a definite form, as no one arrives to take care of it, or even talk to it. In its years – centuries even – of slow demise, it goes through one final existential crisis, and we are given a close look as its breathing slows, its physical boundaries disappear, and it eventually dissolves into nothingness.

Pre-orders have already exceeded 13 million, in the half day since the news arrived, and are expected to reach the billion mark before the close of the week.

Sesame Street To End After 46 Years, Producers Say ‘Today’s Kids Just Hate Puppets’

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

It’s a sad day for all of those who grew up in any of the last four decades. Long-running childhood favorite, Sesame Street, will soon be no longer. The news of its demise was revealed by insiders at PBS, who explained that today’s kids “just hate puppets”.

“What can we do?” asked PBS CEO Paula Kerger. “Times have changed, and our beloved friends Bert and Ernie are now despised by children across the globe. Kermit, Big Bird, the Cookie Monster – all our beloved characters are no longer desirable. In fact, our research showed that kids would rather watch animated anthropomorphic turds fighting than spend another day looking at puppets flapping their unnaturally flat mouths around.”

Eight-year-old, Jimmy Prober, confirmed their sentiments.

“I fucking hate puppets,” he said on a CNN broadcast. “Their fake fur is gross, and their complexions look sickly. If we wanna see strange colored characters, we’re gonna watch The Simpsons. Come on dude – nothin beats Bart’s catchphrase of ‘Shove it up my ass’, or whatever.”

Kids watching the broadcast from a live studio audience nodded their heads in agreement, some shouting encouragement with phrases such as “Down with the reign of the puppet authority!” and “I’m eating Big Bird for dinner!” being flung around. Many parents were driven to run out of the room crying, as their children denigrated characters with whom they themselves had grown up.

When asked why he thought kids had turned against puppets, current Sesame Street executive producer Super Grover answered, “I cannot say for certain, but perhaps today’s children were collectively molested by puppets. Or maybe they’ve just found something better in iPads, Family Guy, and Playstations.”

“I always knew this day would come,” said Jim Henson, creator of Sesame Street and the Muppets. “Yet I did not think it would happen in my lifetime. In that assumption, I was correct.” Henson died in 1990 of a bacterial infection.

Fast Food Giant McDonald’s To Begin Selling Weed In Colorado, Washington

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TACOMA, Washington –

Fast food chain McDonald’s has become the first franchise in its industry to announce its intention to sell weed in outlets across the country. The corporation will apparently begin this new phase in Colorado and Washington, where recreational use of the substance is legal.

“We’ll be stocking over 20 different strains, which is I’m sure very exciting for the public. It will also come in different forms, i.e. joints as well as cooked into certain meals,” head of operations for McDonald’s in Washington told the press. “There’ll of course be conditions attached so as the service is not abused by our customers. For example, the classic marijuana brownies will only be available as part of what we are calling a ‘Super-happy Meal’. Also, blunts will only be sold to those who take advantage of our new-look loyalty cards, available now at a store near you.”

Conservatives around America have condemned McDonald’s, stating that they are using a “legalization which is already killing our country to be even more acceptable and accessible. Now, not only will their food be causing obesity and heart attacks, it will be leading consumers to make irresponsible and impulsive decisions.”

The nation’s stoners have come out in vast numbers in support of the venture.

“Dude, that’s so cool,” said some guy when we informed him of the development. “Now we can get our weed and munchies at the same place and time. That’s one less trip we’ll have to make, one less time we’ll have to leave the basement.”

A few, however, have not been so ‘chilled’.

“Oh God,” said Victor Hashwood. “Now there’s gonna be all sorts of dilettante thinking they’re all cool just because they got weed at McDonald’s. Those sorta dudes don’t even care about the cause. They don’t care about the lifestyle. They just want instant gratification.”

When asked his opinion on how marijuana sales could be regulated to curb this problem, Hashwood looked at us with glazed eyes and said, “Huh?” He then passed his joint to our reporter, who chose to end the interview in a deep discussion about the meaning of existence.

Rate of School Shootings Down As Sales Of Metal Albums, Video Games Continue To Increase

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Good news for concerned parents, and great news for fans of certain types of entertainment. The rate of school shootings are reportedly decreasing across the country, while sales of all forms of metal music, as well as violent video games, continue to rise. The data presents the most damning evidence to date that aggressive music and gameplay don’t have a thing to do with violence among youth.

“We noticed the greater intervals between tragic shootings, and decided to look for data which might correlate,” said head researcher Karen Heilbrun. “Of course, we checked video game sales and metal album charting first – what emerged is the report we’ve presented, and I believe it confirms what many teens already knew, and their parents couldn’t be bothered to listen about – violent forms of entertainment don’t harm anyone.”

The music and virtual gaming industries have quickly embraced the findings, releasing press statements and marketing campaigns promoting how ‘extra violent’ or ‘extra loud’ they may be.

“I’m kind of disappointed to find out that none of those school shootings they blamed me for had anything to do with me,” said shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. “I mean, I certainly didn’t set out to cause anyone any harm, I’m just a performer. But once you start hearing something enough, you get to believing it. Turns out that music has nothing to do with kids killing other kids.”

While authorities are gathering to discuss what steps – if any – to take in response to the report, steadfast fans of the affected genres have vowed to remain loyal.

“We will stand for the cause of heavy metal until the end,” shouted Garth Sality, leader of fan group Heavy Metal Loves Us on Facebook. “Even if we have to die for it! Metal and video games go together like peas and carrots, and it has never been more apparent that those things are just entertainment, and nothing more.”

Members of the National Rifle Association have been especially vocal in their anger at these findings.

“Guns don’t kill people, heavy metal kills people!” said modern-day Moses, Christian Bale. “These findings will only make it more difficult for people to buy guns. With heavy metal and video games as scapegoats for gun crimes, there was someone to blame. Now they’ll go back to blaming the guns themselves. My God, they’ll probably even start blaming the person doing the shooting!”

#TheDress: Neuroscientists Say People Who See White, Gold Have Mental Deficiencies

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a follow-up study after last week’s #TheDress controversy, neuroscientists have confirmed that people who saw white and gold, as opposed to the dress’s true colors of black and blue, have important mental deficiencies. The reason that these individuals – about 26% of those surveyed – see the wrong colors, is that their brains are not adaptable enough to note subtle changes in a photograph’s hemispheric hue.

“This goes a long way to explaining the huge deficit between sectors of the world’s functioning population,” said head researcher, Dr. Larry Thoreaux. “Those we term ‘team white-and-gold’ are not intellectually crippled in such a way as to be clinically retarded or unable to carry out everyday tasks. However, they can be routinely expected to perform poorly in arguments, have only minimal career success, and be severely irritating by remaining stubborn in believing delusional realities.”

The discoveries have resulted in debates about #TheDress once again breaking out in full force, with team white-and-gold especially vehement.

“Scientists are holding our society for ransom!” shouted one deluded fool.

“They’re as wrong about this as they are about that dress being blue and white!” boomed another, confusingly.

“Never believe what you read!” was a third’s insistence, at which point we stopped listening to their ramblings.

Members of team blue-and-black – the correct, well-adapted majority – were circumspect and straightforward in response.

“We’ve seen the actual dress, in person, and it is blue and black,” said a non-mentally deficient individual. “Those who do not accept that reality are deluded, and we pity them. Science is pointing us towards technological and biological development and must not be underestimated, even if these poor fools are mentally unable to accept the truth.”

At time of press, our offices have erupted into fearsome fighting, with mentally deficient colleagues screaming irrational sentiments and flinging chairs around at their smarter (and coincidentally better looking) co-workers.

Nation’s Dogs Ask Owners for More ‘Human Food’

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNITED STATES –

The nation’s dogs have collectively agreed to ask their owners for more human food, starting tonight. This comes in response to their constant hunger for whatever their masters are eating. They have decided on the strategy of sitting by the table and looking up with their big, sad eyes at their humans while they eat delicious steaks and burgers.

“We’ve decided to let go of dignity, swallow our pride, and beg,” said Pomps Michaels, a labrador. “They’ll surely sympathise. It’s impossible not to when we stare at them in a way that says, ‘I love you more than life itself, and only wish you’d make me happier.’ The combination of pathos and adoration will surely get them.”

“I do get human food occasionally,” admitted Rufus Paul. “My owner throws me scraps of chicken and other meat products when he feels particularly generous. But I could do with more fruit and yogurt, in order to balance out my diet and add some variety to my cultured palate.”

Dog food manufacturers are not perturbed by the development, saying that “this happens every so often and, up until now, we’ve managed to weather the storm pretty easily. While its impossible sometimes to say no to those furry faces, human food is far more expensive than what we provide. Furthermore, our food is developed to give dogs a healthy diet, and owners will always have their best friend’s greater good at heart.”

Owners across the country are preparing to meet the collective demands by saying no over and over again while throwing pieces under the table every time their dogs lay their heads on their knees.

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother’s Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVDs

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BUNSONTOWN, Indiana –

Three-Year-Old toddler Kain Harrison of Bunsontown, Indiana is being hailed as a hero after courageously running into a burning Woody Acres apartment complex to wake his 52-year-old grandmother, Sandra Clemens, who was asleep during the blaze.

Witnesses say the boy had been playing outside in the snow, building an igloo with three homeless men, when they noticed smoke pouring from the roof of the building in which he had been staying with his grandmother. Harrison had been staying at the home following his mother’s arrest for possession and intent to distribute heroin inside an elementary school.

Leroy Johnson, 62, one of the homeless men the boy had befriended, said that once everybody saw smoke and flames, they knew it was too late to run inside.

“I been on this here Earth for a long time, longer than I can remember, and I never seen anything like that in my damn life!” Johnson said. “That little Kain, I tell ya that boy is something else, you know like Batman or something. It is not normal. Anyway Lil K-Roo took off running and we just let him go. He ran inside, at this point the flames were flying out the damn windows, so we thought, well he is cooked.”

“Few minutes go by, and then I tell ya, by the grace of the good Lord up in the mountains, here he comes strutting out, an armful of DVDs,” said the other homeless man, Gary Shidder. “For real, he ran in there and got his damned ole Peppa Pig DVDs. That boy is something else, he derserves a Purple Heart or something ya know?” Johnson said as he remained engaged in describing the wild scene.

Police say that Clemens, who was a sound sleeper, was not able to make it out of the apartment, and was killed. The Peppa Pig DVDs were saved, and according to reports, still play fine.

Hollywood Gives Up On Fighting Piracy, Plans To Release All Movies Directly To ThePirateBay

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood has issued a surprising statement, informing of their intention to stop fighting piracy. Instead, they will embrace the means available, and release new movies directly to ThePirateBay (TPB), and other torrent or peer-to-peer networks. This move was not only unexpected, but un-thought of, according to experts in the industry.

“I can’t believe that everyone agreed to this,” said Bernie Ackerman. “ Seriously, to get people in Hollywood to agree on what to eat for lunch is hard enough.”

Richard Gansit explained some of the implications of the move.

“This drastic decision will impact the income of millions of individuals, as well as bring many big companies to the ground. The only beneficiaries I can think of are those too cheap to spend a few dollars on a movie ticket,” said Gansit. “Free media is the death of industries. Look at the music industry. Ever since tape dubbing became a thing, the sales of albums have dropped year over year. It’s insane.”

Production companies may be the hardest hit, seeing as features which previously would have been produced for the big screen, will now mostly be streaming or downloaded to home devices.

“They’ve ruined us,” said OneProduction’s Robert Milton. “They’ve destroyed our prospects, and in turn, the lives of our families, friends, and anyone unfortunate enough to be associated with us. I guess it’s par for the course with Hollywood executives, anyway.”

Reception from hackers was similarly negative. The general sentiment seems to be one of suspicion, that some money-making plan is behind it all.

“I can’t believe TBP’s agreed to this,” said one loyalist. “I always thought they worked for us, for the common man, but now it comes out that they’re just in it for the money. I don’t know what Hollywood has offered them, but it can’t be enough to justify selling their souls.”

The vast majority of the general public, however, were indifferent, with their stance being that nothing has changed.

“I’ve been downloading movies from piratebay for years now,” said Henry Morris. “I’ll continue doing that as long as there are good quality movies for me to grab. The fact that Hollywood will be releasing films directly to the site seems like a great idea – every movie will be a pristine copy, and I’ll never have to deal with a cam version where I can hear people coughing and talking in the theatre. I download movies to get away from that shit. But, whether it’s criminals uploading or Hollywood uploading, and whether someone else is making money, who cares? I’m still getting it for free, aren’t I?”

Hurricane Escobar, Winter Storm Uteri Will Collide Causing Catastrophic Storm Next Week

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

The storm coming up from the south will hit Florida and Alabama, and is set to continue moving Northeast all the way to Maine. Bread and milk prices expected to soar dramatically.

GULF SHORES, Alabama –

Professor and Chief Scientific Meteorologist, Christian Cumulus, of Louisiana State University, as well as scientists at the National Weather Service of Central Florida, have confirmed the “utmost likelihood” of a potentially fierce storm in the Western Hemisphere, very likely the worst in over 500 years.

Cumulus says that the storm will come to fruition when expected Level-4 Hurricane Escobar and its frigid air counterpart, Winter Storm Uteri, are aligned for a massive collision headed straight for Gulf Shores, Alabama and will be affecting all major cities in the surrounding areas, and will possibly continue up through the Northeast, all the way to Maine.

“This is without a doubt the most aggressive combination of two split-season storms I have not only ever seen in my 35-year career in meteorology, but also that anyone has ever encountered in this field of study,” said Cumulus. “This storm will be absolutely catastrophic, with the high risk of significant loss of property, and possibly life, in all of Gulf, as well as the entire Eastern United States. Please, stock up on water and food, especially bread and milk, and stay safe.”

“Based on all 7 models, we expected the Frankenstein-like storm to crash into state-side sometime early next week. It is with every bit of my professional being that I encourage all citizens to abandon their homes and head North-West,” Said Weather Service researcher Miles Nimbus. “Just thinking of the devastation which is sure to occur worries me immensely, please prepare yourselves. Stock up on bread and milk, and get yourselves out of the path of the storm.”

The National Weather Service of Huntsville, in Alabama, has also released a statement, saying that residents should take the professional’s advice and head North. A conference is being planned for sometime later this week in which strict guidelines will be released to citizens.

“We don’t want anyone to panic, but we don’t want you to know what’s coming,” said Alabama Governor Skip Altostratus. “Please, wait for our instructions, and remain calm. Visit your local stores to stock up on bread and milk, and know that your local government agencies are working hard to prepare everyone for a potential catastrophe.”

U.S. Government Finally Finds Loophole to Justify Banning Cigarettes

Posted on March 3, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The compassionate, good-natured United States government has been seeking a way to justly ban cigarettes from the country for decades. Cigarettes cause an astronomical amount of preventable deaths, health problems, and annoyances, as well as form addictions and drain the pockets of many citizens. Despite this, they have remained an integral part of the nation’s identity, primarily because the general population is too ignorant and arrogant to understand or admit to the faults of this drug.

Finally, as of January 1^st, 2016, cigarettes will be completely banned from the country.

“The answer was right in front of our face the whole time,” a New York congressman said. “To be honest, it’s kind of embarrassing that it took this long to find it.”

The justification behind the bill came from the recent wave of heroin legalizations. By replacing the tobacco industry with the heroin industry, the government’s profit is expected to not only remain stable but possibly increase. Additionally, people who are currently addicted to cigarettes may be able to assuage their withdrawals by becoming addicted to a new drug.

“The fact that we were killing hundreds of thousands of people and generally making life more miserable never really mattered,” the congressman added. “It was really all about the money and making sure no one important lost any votes. I mean, we’re still going to be killing a lot of people this way, but at least we can win over the anti-tobacco camp.”

Government officials are still discussing how to transition into a heroin-run nation smoothly and without destroying any jobs.