NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

Posted on December 14, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

A huge announcement was made this morning by Adam Silver, president of the National Basketball Association, and it means things as we know it in the world of sports will definitely be changing. According to Silver, as soon as next year, the NBA and WNBA will be merged into one league, tentatively called the CENBA, or the Co-Ed National Basketball Association.

The combined league idea came about after decades of the WNBA pulling in terrible viewership numbers, and investors in the league say they thought it was time to move away from the all-female basketball teams, and see if the professional ladies could take on the professional men.

As it turns out, the ladies certainly can hold their own. In several private scrimmage matches held during off-days, a few female pros made some NBA stars look like rookies.

“My team is struggling badly, as are all WNBA teams, and this can be a huge change for teams all over the league,” said Tom O’Neil, owner of the WNBA team the Houston Hairylegs. “So many NBA teams have tons of overpaid all-stars on their team, because the NBA has all the money. I see a lot of talent in these WNBA players, and combining leagues, the women can finally make the money they deserve, which is about 60 cents on every dollar that the men make.”

“I formed a committee of owners, and told them the pros of this merger. Several months ago, we came to this decision, and have been waiting for the perfect time to announce it,” said Doug Reemer, owner of WNBA team the Pittsburgh Pussies. “And finally, after a few months, we made the deal with the NBA. With so many new players coming in, a lot of people will be cut, but I’m telling you – these ladies have a lot of balls going up against the men of the NBA. I really, really envy their balls.”

The CENBA is set to be launched by the 2015 basketball season, and insider reports already are talking numbers and money. Most sports professionals say that a merger could bring in almost double the revenue that the NBA brought in during the 2014 season. That would be equivalent to approximately 36 times the revenue brought in by the WNBA over the last 5 seasons.

Drake Announces Engagement To Nicki Minaj; Singer Says She’ll ‘Knock Diddy The F— Out’

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MIAMI, Florida –

Just days after a physical altercation between hip-hop heavyweights Drake and Diddy, Drake announced through his publicist, Lolita Valazquez, that he and Nicki Minaj are engaged. The rapper reportedly proposed to Nicki while in Miami earlier this week and “she said yes!” according to Valazquez.

D-Rock Morton, of the hip-hop publication The New Beat, interviewed Valazquez via telephone to confirm the engagement news. While he had her on the line, he asked about the beef between Drake and Diddy.

“It is obviously a legal matter, but I can tell you, producer Boi-1DA gave both of them a song, titled ‘0 to 100,’ and Diddy hadn’t done anything with it for months. So naturally, Drake decided to use it for himself. As you now know, the song was a huge hit for Drake. It seems that Diddy had his pride hurt, and because he’s a little bitch, it led to the altercation. That’s all I can say about the issue,” Valazquez commented.

Later in the day, Nicki Minaj did a radio interview on WFTB: The Mix! in Clearwater, Florida, confirming the engagement. She initially spoke of how she cannot wait to marry her ‘best friend,’ but the interview quickly turned in an abrupt, and angry, direction.

“If Diddy wants to cry like a bitch because Drake recorded a song [Diddy] couldn’t even have done in the first place, then that motherf—– needs to just give it up. I tell ya what though, I will knock that old fool the f— out, believe that. Ain’t nobody gonna disrespect my bae that way. Diddy needs to apologize, or he’ll have to deal with me. That’s all I got to say about that,” Minaj told a stunned WFTB DJ.

With all that has transpired, the hip-hop community is reeling, and industry insiders are expecting some big shit to pop off between the rappers at any time. For now, fans should expect several diss-tracks to emerge after the new year.

President Obama Scores 102 On IQ Test, Lowest In Presidential History

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As it turns out, the Republicans may have been right all along, and President Obama is not the smartest person in the room after all. Since Woodrow Wilson took office in 1913, all presidents have been given an IQ test at some point during their time as leader. Gerald Ford always held the record for lowest score, with a 111, which is considered just slightly above average. On the other end of the spectrum, George W. Bush scored a 132, which is considered ‘gifted.’ Two-Thirds of people who take the standardized IQ test score between 85-115.

The White House today spun President Obama’s 102 as a ‘solid average’ that is nothing to be ashamed of.

”President Obama never claimed to be smarter than anybody else. As a matter as fact, he has always represented himself as a regular guy, ‘a man of the people,’ as it were,” said Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary. “The key to being a good leader is to surround yourself with smart people, which President Obama has always done. As far as needing to be a genius to run the country, well – George W. Bush had the highest score ever, and look at how that mess turned out. So, the next time President Obama bypasses congress with an executive order, and you’re about to say something cruel, racist, or otherwise completely ignorant, remember that he’s just a regular guy getting things done for you. And hey! At least he’s in the triple digits!”

“Ha! I knew it! King Obama is just a few points away from being a dummy,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”Einstein was a 160, and guess what America – I scored 145! I’m smarter than 99% of you! When I’m elected President, I’ll bring some common sense and smarts back into the White House. Let’s face it, don’t you want your President to be smarter than the guy asking you whether you want to ‘super size’ your fries at the drive through? ‘Vote for me America, I’m smart!’ Hell, I think I’ll make that a bumper sticker!”

Kentucky Middle Schools Forcing Students To Take Class On Satanic Bible

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FRANKFORT, Kentucky –

The Kentucky Department of Education has approved, and even made it mandatory, that all state-run middle schools in the Commonwealth teach a one-semester class to all eighth grade student about the collections, essays, and rituals in the collective work of Anton LaVey’s infamous Satanic Bible.

Department spokesperson David Hastings made the announcement early this morning, citing the board of directors recent decision to allow various religious teachings in schools. According to their new policies, students are free to be able to study from a myriad of religions, even while attending schools that are part of the public sector. Normally, schools prefer to keep religion out of the classroom.

Hastings sent out an email to every teacher and parent in the state school system, saying that in this modern age, humanity needs to forget all that has been preached to them and start from the basics.

“People have the wrong idea immediately when The Satanic Bible is mentioned, almost all of whom have failed to read a single sentence of LaVey’s masterpiece. Some of these God-fearing folk have never even read the Christian bible, and how can you make religious and moral decisions for yourself if you haven’t studied the text?”

“For years the great teachers of our fine state have scratched our collective heads trying to solve the puzzle as to why we are so much further behind than most other states,” said Mark Ryder, a member of the state’s Department of Education. “The answer is simple – we have been programmed as followers instead of truth seekers. We are not saying there is a wrong or right, we are saying take all the information, piece it together and then decide how you feel as an individual.”

To help calm the concerned citizens, the state will also be offering free adult education classes on the course to help prepare parents for the inevitable questions that their children will have about Satan.

“I can’t believe it took this long!” said Iroquois Middle School principal Van Avery. “You can’t just pray at night and not work to survive; you have to do all the work. That’s what the Satanic bible will teach the children. It is wrong for the Christians to teach that all you have to do is pray to fix everything. I prayed once that I’d win the lottery, yet I can’t even win on a $5 scratch off. It is all lies. Seek the truth, don’t be a follower.”

The first students to participate in the state-wide course will be the eighth grade class of the school year 2016-2017.

Betty White Reveals Shocking Secret About Encounter With Bill Cosby

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Empire News

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Adored and cherished by people of all walks of life and ages, actress and funny-woman Betty White recently revealed a troubling and long time secret regarding comedian Bill Cosby.

Yesterday afternoon while on a telephone interview with journalist Gerald Duke of Entertainment Hollywood Monthly, White dropped a bombshell when asked about Cosby’s recent negative media attention.

“Oh it’s dreadful, truly dreadful.” White revealed. “I’ve known Bill for ages, and the fact that he’s being so hounded lately, it’s really sad. I’ve known about his secret for years, as it was something that he confided in me years ago after a night spent together taping an episode of Mary Tyler Moore. I honestly thought it was a secret that would never come out, and he would take it to his grave.”

When pressed for more information about what Cosby had told her about his sexual assaults, White was taken aback, and seemed very confused.

“Wait – what? I don’t know what you mean, sexual assaults. Bill raped someone? Who? What are we talking about, here?” questioned White when the topic was brought up. It was explained to her that Cosby had recently come under serious media fire after several women, including prominent actresses and models, had come forward saying he had assaulted them.

“Oh Gosh, I don’t know anything about that. I was talking about how the time he confided in me that he never actually liked Jello Pudding Pops, and that he only did the commercials because they paid him so much,” said White. “Secretly, he was secretly a Popsicle-brand lover. I can’t believe that Bill is a sexual deviant, though. That’s such a shame.”

The legacy shredding accusations of the past couple months from hoards of women, and at least one man, claiming Cosby forced himself on them sexually, still has Americans in utter shock. Cosby has had speaking and comedy engagements cancelled, a new series indefinitely postponed, and Netflix cancelled a new stand-up special that they had planned to promote for a Thanksgiving release.

“I know now there are many people coming forward now who, sadly, didn’t get to know the Bill Cosby that I know,” said White. “The Popsicle lover. The comedian. The man behind the sweaters, so to speak. Such a shame that he’d risk everything just to get his rocks off. I guess he must not like blondes, though, because the man never once came onto me.”

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child’s Cell Phone

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

In another array of Kanye angst-laden turn of events, Hollywood Star Insider Weekly has confirmed, via Los Angeles County Court Clerk office records, that Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from her husband, rapper Kanye West.

According to reports, West allegedly snatched an 8-year-old boy’s cell phone and smashed it on the ground, accusing the boy of taking photographs of him and his wife while at a popular Los Angeles eatery earlier this week. It is assumed that witnesses of the incident were paid off and bound to legal secrecy.

According to Kim’s publicist, Marcella Thomas, Kim has had ‘as much as she could take’ of Kanye’s wild and moody toddler-like antics, and this recent outburst was the ‘final straw.’

“This morning I accompanied Kim to the Los Angeles County Clerks office where she officially filed for divorce,” said Thomas. “Thank God, too. As her publicist, do you know how often I had to be around Kanye? More than once, which is way more time than anyone should ever have to spend with Kanye. At any rate, no further statement regarding the matter is to be issued at this time, and we ask that all fans, here and abroad, respect this very difficult decision.”

Because of the media frenzy surrounding the announcement, Thomas said this was also the perfect time to take advantage of the free publicity, tas she revealed to HSIW that Kim has inked a deal with Calvin Klein to release a new men’s fragrance labeled ‘U-Mad, Bro?’

“I’m so glad that Kim is leaving that lunatic,” said Kardashian ‘superfan’ Maria Bulgara. “I mean, Kanye is okay to look at in certain light – like the kind of light that completely blocks out his face. The man has shown time and time again that he is mentally unstable. I don’t think I’m saying anything that anyone else doesn’t think as well. Also, I am sooo buying my boyfriend that U-Mad cologne for Christmas!”

“It’s about time Kanye ditched that trash anyway,” said West ‘superfan’ Joey Goldsmith. “That tramp, showing her ass all over the internet. I was sickened by all that cellulite! Kanye should go find a good woman, like Barbara Walters or something. Now there’s a chick who looks like she knows how to suck, if you know what I mean. Also, I swear if my bitch gets me any of that U-Mad cologne, I’m gonna throw it out the damn window.”

Kanye West has long been known for his public meltdowns, usually involving paparazzi. Two months ago, the hip-hop artist and producer threw his milkshake at a crying baby, claiming the child was “out of key and needed auto-tune.” However, Kanye immediately apologized, and invited the family to a local car dealership where he bought them a brand new Range Rover.

It is not clear who currently has custody of little North West, the couple’s child, but one thing is for certain, this evolving family drama has all the makings of a highly publicized and extremely drawn out celebrity divorce and custody battle. Empire News will be monitoring this national crisis as it unfolds.

Creed Vocalist Scott Stapp Confesses Recent Crazy Acts All An Elaborate Publicity Stunt To Promote New Band

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

TAMPA BAY, Florida –

Just when you thought his conduct could not get any more bizarre, former Creed vocalist Scott Stapp, who has been in the news the last several weeks for what was believed to be the result of mental illness and/or massive drug and alcohol abuse, has confessed to his antics all being an elaborate hoax.

Today in a press conference in a downtown Tampa Holiday Inn, the singer announced that the crazy series of events were all made up to promote the debut of his new band, The Pig Head Conspiracy.

“I’m here to announce to you today that all the terrible news about me, my family, and my financial ruin was all a huge lie. Somehow we were convinced it would help put my name out there again, and would lead to a spike in album sales once my new band released our album,” said Stapp. “I really just assumed that people had forgotten about me, and that this would bring me back into the spotlight. Nobody has bought a Creed album since 1999.”

“That dude sounds crazy as shit,” said Mark Calloway, a 14-year-old ‘metal head’ from Fresno, California. “I mean, I saw his name trending on Facebook, and that’s where I get all my news, so I was looking him up on Wikipedia. I had no idea who Creed was, so I gave them a listen on Spotify. Turns out they suck, so I guess this dude probably did the right thing trying to make himself look like a psycho to sell his new band. It actually makes me want to download his new CD when it comes out. I mean, like, not pay for it, but download it, you know?”

“We fired our promotions manager yesterday,” said band member Aaron Silver. “I’m sorry that we made it seem like Scott had a mental illness or whatever just to promote a band. I mean, he’s definitely off a bit, but he’s not that crazy. Not really. Well, I mean, sort of. But does it matter? He was famous in the 90s, so even if he was completely out of his goddamned mind, the public would forgive him. We always forgive second-rate celebrities, right? I mean shit, Vince Neil killed a guy, and we all still love Motley Crue!”

According to Stapp, the new band, named The Pig Head Conspiracy, is a metal band with its primary theme being politics, unmonitored corruption of the government by way of Satan, and the greed of the Catholic church – a far cry from his former band Creed, which was very pro-biblical.

“The new self-titled album comes out in February, and a national tour is currently being constructed,” said Stapp. “At least a small stint of the tour will be in support of Slipknot. It’s going to be really fun.”

Man In Coma After Being Electrocuted By Walmart Self-Checkout Register

Posted on December 13, 2014 by JP

LUBBOCK, Texas –

A man is still in a local Texas hospital early this morning after a bizarre event occurred at a Walmart located in Lubbock. Jason Hart, age 32, was electrocuted while using the self checkout lane, and the incident is raising suspicion as to whether or not the faster route is necessarily the best route for the customer.

Hart was using a self-checkout screen at the Lubbock Walmart when he was severely shocked, thrown several feet back, and knocked unconscious after hitting his head against the floor. Security cameras show the incident occurring at around 11:45pm.

“I came in for my shift and saw a man laying on the ground,” said Keith Evans, an employee at the store. “At first I thought it was some drunk guy passed out, which happens way more than you’d think. Actually, since we are talking about Walmart, it happens probably just as often as you’d think. Anyway, this guy had pissed himself, and he had vomited all over the place, too. It was on all the magazines and candy racks nearby. I tried to wake him up, but when he didn’t budge at my attempts, I called my manager, and she called 911.”

It still is unclear to what caused the screen to malfunction enough to shock Hart, but a small crack in the screen of the register Hart was using was identified by police, and they are consulting a ‘computer expert’ to discover whether such a small issue could be to blame.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess a computer could shock you,” said Joe Goldsmith, a computer expert on the payroll of the Lubbock Police Department. “I don’t know. Who cares? The guy is going to sue the store if he wakes up, anyway. Doesn’t matter if he was shocked, if he had a stroke, or if he tried to have sex with the cash register. In this country, if you’re injured at a place of business, you sue them. ‘Merica.”

Hart is currently in a Lubbock hospital and is still in a coma, but his vital signs are stable according to doctors.

Walmart has yet to make an official statement about the incident, pending legal advice, but a Walmart employee at the store did tape a piece of paper over the cracked screen that says “Out of Order.”

Man Wins $1 Million On Lottery Scratch Ticket, Spends It All On More Scratch Tickets

Posted on December 12, 2014 by JP

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

A St. Louis man was lucky enough to attain something almost everyone in the world dreams about when last Wednesday he hit the jackpot on a state-sponsored scratch-off ticket. Robert Henry, age 43, won a whopping one million dollars on a scratch off ticket he purchased at a Puff-N-Stop gas station.

“He is obviously a huge gambler with a serious addiction,” said store clerk Charles DeWitt. “He always has been as far as I can tell, since he comes in two, sometimes three times a day to buy scratchers. He’s been doing it for as long as I’ve owned the store, which is about 11 year or so now. I’m not surprised he won big, but I am surprised it took this long.”

Sadly, things seemed to take an immediate turn for the worse, as Henry, despite winning more money in that one moment than he’d ever had in his life, curiously took all the winnings and used the money to buy more scratch tickets.

“We were pretty stocked on scratch tickets here, and when Robert came in and asked for every scratcher we had, I laughed for a good while,” said Joe Perry, a clerk at a St. Louis Cumberland Farms gas station. “It wasn’t until I realized [Mr. Henry] was serious that I sold him the tickets. All-told, he spent about $50,000 alone just in my shop.”

According to Henry’s now soon to be ex-wife, he bounced around from store to store throughout the entire city, until all his winnings were spent. After buying several hundred thousand tickets, Henry’s winnings ended up being approximately $325.

“That’s why I left the dumb sumbitch,” said Charlene Henry, Robert’s wife of 20 years. “I didn’t even know he’d won the million. He didn’t tell me until afterwards. He collected won, drove to the state lottery offices, collected the winnings, and went right back out. I never saw a penny of that money, and neither did he, the stupid-ass.”

“Well, they say hindsight is 20-20,” said Henry from his room at a local addiction clinic. “Next time maybe I’ll save some of that money instead. But hey, it’s winning that counts, right?”

Teen Dehydrates After Mistakenly Taking Bath With Salts

Posted on December 12, 2014 by DvanL

BURLEY, Idaho –

14-year-old Jeremy Dalton was admitted to the Cassia Regional Medical center in Burley last week suffering from extreme dehydration. What makes this ordinary sounding event extraordinary is the way in which he became dehydrated.

“He wanted to be ‘cool’ like all the kids who were doing bath salts,” said Jeremy’s mother Myra, 32. “He put a bag of rock salt in the tub and then took a bath. I guess he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I walked in and found him shriveled up and crying.”

Synthetic drugs, including “bath salts,” are an increasingly growing problem, especially in rural areas around the country. “Bath Salts” are actually man-made chemicals similar to amphetamines, and are taken either nasally or orally. They are not connected in any way to regular mineral salts, which are dissolved in bath water and used for relaxation.

Last year, the state of Idaho released a parents’ guide focusing on the abuse of synthetic drugs, published after state and county health officials noticed a spike in bath salt related emergencies and overdoses.

Drug abuse and addiction specialist Dr. Phyllis Bromley remarked, “Every so often, a new drug craze is introduced and word spreads quickly now with social networks. We try to keep one step ahead of the drug peddlers but at this point, we can only hope to keep up with them after a number of young people are hurt, or in some cases, killed.”

“I didn’t see that parents’ guide,” said Myra, “but I did tell him not to copy what the other kids were doing. I blame peer pressure for making him do it. We all did some stupid things when we were kids, like the 2 years I took up smoking to look cool, or the time I had an orgy with that biker gang, but I never did anything like this. Never drugs. The reason why I wanted to get the word out even though my son is only 14, is to let other parents know that it can happen to them, even if they think it won’t.”

When asked if he would experiment with drugs in the future, Jeremy, through parched lips, mumbled “Never again.”

Jeremy shows no signs of permanent damage, and is expected to make a full recovery after a day or two of observation and intravenous rehydration therapy.