Victoria’s Secret To Stop Selling Plus-Sized Lingerie

Posted on December 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

While many clothing companies are catering to plus size women with special clothing lines and models, Victoria’s Secret announced today that they would be completely doing away with their plus-sized line and catalog. In a bold move that is sure to create controversy, the company has said that they no longer wish to cater to women who don’t fit ‘their image’ of the human body.

“Victoria’s Secret is all about beauty and grace,” said CEO Lori Greene. “Our clothes and lingerie are about feeling good and being sexy. Personally, I work hard at keeping in shape, and seeing large women and plus-size models in our clothes disgusts me. I can’t even imagine how men must feel. It’s a well-known fact that our annual catalog goes out mostly to men, and is a bigger drawn than even Playboy, except no one has to say they’re only ‘reading the articles’ with our magazine. Victoria’s Secret is all about sex appeal, and if large women want lingerie, there are stores out there that cater to them, like Target and Costco. I don’t feel we should have to lower our standards for fatties.”

“Fat people are super gross,” said Victoria’s Secret model Isabelle Stanford. “If you’re a size two or more, you should really be shopping at Wal-Mart, not Victoria’s Secret. I don’t eat or sleep, and I exercise all day just to be a role model for women everywhere. If you want to look sexy like me and wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie, just work out more, eat less and a little bump here and there doesn’t hurt either.”

“There ain’t nothing sexy about a fat chick in a thong,” said Carmine Classi, a customer in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota. ”My wife puts on one of those expensive Vicki Secret panties, and I can’t even see it under her fat rolls, so what’s the point? I never did mind taking her to the stores though, because I could check out all the hotties working and shopping in there, the ones wearing them thongs and yoga pants, mmm mmm! But now I won’t even be able to do that? Thanks, Victoria’s Secret.”

Elementary School Principal Fired, Arrested For Planning Real-Life ‘Purge’

Posted on December 11, 2014 by Chip

WINTERFLOCK, Pennsylvania –

Principal Douglas Warner has officially been let go from his position at the Boutland Elementary School located in the small town of Winterflock, Pennsylvania. Warner was removed from his position after it was discovered he had been planning a school ‘purge’ modeled after the blockbuster hit movie The Purge, in which one day a year American citizens are able to kill each other without worrying about legal recourse.

It has been reported that Principal Warner has been planning the purge for months, and intended to follow through with the act at the beginning of the new year. Warner said he wanted to wait until 2015 so the parents of any affected children would be able to spend one last Christmas with their kids.

Police questioned Warner about his reasoning behind the school purge, and Warner said it was all about ‘weeding out’ the troublemakers.

“It’s obvious I was just fantasizing at an attempt to help society by weeding out some of the crazy, violent, troubled kids, and of course, the school bullies,” said Warner. “I mean come on, I wasn’t really going to do it, as far as you know…but you have to understand that there are always those certain kids who are just tiny little assholes. If we just get rid of those kids now, then we won’t have to deal with them when they are in tenth grade, bringing their dads handguns to school underneath their trench coats.”

Warner’s purge was uncovered when a fourth grade teacher found a notebook detailing explicit plans of the even, and turned it over to local police. Police reports show that within the notebook Warner had listed his intention of arming all students with make shift weapons the day of the purge.

Though Warner has been let go from his job at Boutland Elementary and was initially arrested, he was eventually released when police said they didn’t have enough evidence of crime to convict. It remains unclear if further legal action will be taken against Warner. In addition, legal sources have said that Warner would be able to get a principal job at a school within a different district without issue, assuming no charges are filed.

Jay-Z Buys LA Dodgers, Plans On Moving Them Back To Brooklyn For 2015 Season

Posted on December 11, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

The battle for MLB in Los Angeles is over, as it looks as though the Angels will soon be the only LA team. Rapper and media mogul Jay Z and his Rockafella Investment Group have bought the Los Angeles Dodgers, and word is he’s bringing them back home to Brooklyn for the 2015 season.

“It all came together beautifully,” said Jay-Z, real name Shawn Carter. ”I already own Washington Park, home of the Brooklyn Cyclones. Dodger Stadium suffered just enough damage in a minor November earthquake to make it unsafe, and the Dodgers were a steal at just $2 billion. Washington Park is a little small, but it will be a nice intimate setting until I can build something bigger. I’m going to have my babygirl Beyonce sing the National Anthem on opening day! Hell I may have her sing it every time we’re there. The Brooklyn Dodgers are back home where they belong, it’s a beautiful thing!”

”I love New York and it’s going to be great to be back again,” said Brooklyn Dodgers Manager Don Mattingly. “I know the players are looking forward to it, and a happy team equals a winning team, for sure, so it’s going to be a great season. Playing in a minor league park is going to be like old-time baseball, and Jay-Z is going to be great to play for.”

“This is a freaking Christmas miracle,” said Brooklyn resident Carmine Classi. ”Oh, I’m sorry I don’t want to piss off Mr. Politically Correct Mayor De Blasio, so it’s a freaking holiday miracle, whatever. Either way, this is the best day of my life. God bless the Brooklyn Dodgers and God bless Jay-Z!”

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’.

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

All Wi-Fi in The United States to Be Shut Off For Maintenance December 22nd

Posted on December 9, 2014 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

On December 22nd, all internet-connected Wi-Fi devices in the United States will be temporarily disabled for routine maintenance. The announcement was made today from the White House, and the government is making it clear that you should ‘get the things you need done online,’ before the shut down happens.

The necessary upgrades to the Wi-Fi network has arisen due to several reasons, chief among them being the amount of people using the internet at any given time. The heavy use is making servers at all major internet providers weakened by the strain of carrying that many loads of information at once, which makes it easy for outside sources to hack into both public and private computers. This would give certain individuals the ability to get into your private accounts, making it possible for identity theft, stolen banking information or, on a government scale, stolen classified materials.

While the shut off it happening, it will be nearly impossible for anyone to access the internet throughout the entire country, which mean business emails, selfies, and Facebook statuses about how hard you’re hitting the gym should be prepared accordingly.

“It isn’t the option we wanted to proceed with, but it has to be done,” said Verizon CEO Daniel S. Mead. ” My company will be losing a lot of business, but when the people above you say it has to be done it has to be done. This shut off comes straight from the top, the Secretary of Internet Regulations in the White House.”

The plan for the operation is to set up unbreakable security walls, edit existing coding, and make the internet and Wi-Fi even faster when it returns.

As of this time, the agencies involved in the shut off have not said when they will be re-enabling full access to Wi-Fi, but they claim that the updates should take ‘less than week.’

Because many people have not spend any part of their lives without internet access, the US government has prepared a list of other activities that can be performed during the outage, including going for a walk, reading a book, or staring blankly at a wall.

Channing Tatum To Get Breast Implants For Upcoming Movie Role

Posted on December 9, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Actors immerse themselves in roles to varying degrees; some of the lesser or tired actors “phone it in,” while others go to extremes to create realistic portrayals.

Celebrity heartthrob Channing Tatum (22 Jump Street) definitely falls into the latter category, as he has announced today that he will be undergoing breast augmentation surgery for his role in Magic Mike XXL.

Tatum jumped at the chance to take on the challenge. “I didn’t hesitate for a second when my manager told me the storyline for the sequel. I didn’t read the script first, I didn’t even ask what the terms were for my salary. I just said ‘yes’ when I heard about the breasts. I can’t wait to start working on this new role. I want big ones, as big as possible! I asked the doctor to ‘Pam Anderson’ me,” said Tatum.

According to studio executives, Magic Mike XXL follows the continuing story of the character from the first film, Magic Mike, as he goes from being a sexy male stud stripper to a femme-fatale exotic dancer. The first film, which also starred Matthew McConaughey, made almost $114 million dollars back on its small, $7 million budget.

Tatum’s Hollywood star has risen in recent years, and this role undoubtedly will cement his status as a solid dramatic actor. “I remember when Robert De Niro gained all that weight for that boxing movie,” said Tatum, and “Tyler Perry literally transforms himself into that big, scary, fat old African-American lady, but I decided to have my physical body altered on the inside, which I think will be great for my career.”

Tatum’s new breasts will be implanted in February 2015, and the surgeon performing the augmentation has agreed to donate the proceeds to the Susan B. Komen For The Cure breast cancer awareness foundation. Breast cancer is suffered by both women and men.

“My fans seem to be pretty accepting,” said the actor. “Thousands of brand new fans can’t wait to see the results, and they’re literally begging me to send them photos! Did you know I have a fan club at San Quentin? I didn’t, but in any case, I’m really stoked to get stacked!”

Jeep To Market ‘Inner-City Wrangler’ Model Designed To Protect Against Civil Disturbances

Posted on December 9, 2014 by Abe Abrams

DETROIT, Michigan –

Chrysler announced today a new special edition Jeep model they are developing. The vehicle, which will be based on the Jeep Rubicon, is said to be specially designed to protect the occupants from riots and civil disturbances, as well as police and military actions.

The new Jeep, known as the ‘Inner-City Wrangler,’ begins its production run in January, and is already a hit with buyers, who have been putting down deposits in cities like Chicago, St. Louis, New York, Ferguson, and Los Angeles.

“We are very excited about the ‘Inner-City Wrangler’,” said CEO of Chrysler’s Jeep Division, Mitch Manley. “The ‘Inner-City Wrangler’, or the Inner-City Strangler, as we call like to joke, will come in both two- and four-door configurations, and is designed to keep you safe while driving through this country’s many lawless inner-cities. Protester in your way? Not a problem; large front bumpers will gently nudge those pesky protesters out of the way, but if they don’t move, over 15 inches of ground clearance will enable you to drive over them.”

“Bullet proof glass will keep you safe, while fire resistant paint will protect you from torches and molotov cocktails,” continued lead Jeep designer Harvey Myles. “Special run-flat tires will get you to work no matter what, while high-tech air filters will keep tear gas and smoke out of the cabin. Plus, dark, tinted windows will keep your race hidden from protesters. All of these great features will come standard on every model, keeping you safe from the jobless protesters looking for reasons to loot and riot.”

“I put my order in for one,” said Carmine Classi, a New York City retail employee. “I can’t afford to be late to work, and I’m tired of these protesters blocking the streets and bridges. I’ve been written up twice because of these people who stand right in the middle of intersections, holding their signs and being a general nuisance. When I get my new Jeep, I’ll just drive over the bastards!”

Congress Creates Tax On Internet Surfing; Expect To Pay Up To $3 Per Hour On Top Of Regular Monthly Bill

Posted on December 9, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although Congress has recently shot down several different versions of a ‘net neutrality’ plan that would force large websites that have heavy traffic to pay more to internet service providers or face throttling, congress wasn’t as quick to shoot down a recently proposed tax on internet surfing to consumers.

Beginning in 2015, users of all internet services – including Time Warner Cable, Verizon FiOS, and Cox Communications among others – will be expected to pay an hourly fee of approximately $3 for basic internet service, on top of your normal monthly bill.

“It’s stupid, and it’s outrageous,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). “If I were on the committee to prevent the Internet chargers and the Wall Street fat cats from pushing this through, I would have done my best to nip this in the bud. But I was traveling and I missed the vote,” she said.

House Speaker John Boehner was not as critical. “I don’t think $3 is too much to pay for a service that essentially brings the world to your doorstep. With this increased revenue, [the government] can help to balance the budget, and get our economy to where it used to be. The President has run into the ground, through his many policies and legislations, this country and our dollar, mostly because he comes up with ideas and we refuse to act. But regardless, this tax will help many.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) rejected an addendum to the bill that would have provided a “hardship exemption” for those not able to afford the monthly fee.

“People who can’t afford the fee aren’t going to be spending money online anyway,” McConnell explained, ”and giving them another handout is not helping the economy. This way, slowly but surely, one hour at a time, we’ll get the country back on its feet. Just like the story with the turtle and the hare, slow and steady wins the race!”

The average person spends up to 11 hours per day on some sort of internet service, whether it be through a computer, tablet, or cell phone. A conservative fee estimate would set back a typical American family nearly $10,000 per year, depending on their internet usage.

Consumers have reacted with shock and anger. “I’m going back to old-fashioned letter writing,” said heavy Internet user and single mother Samira Wells. “If it’s a choice between getting on Facebook and feeding my babies, I’m going to feed my babies. Wait ’til my Facebook friends hear about this,” she added.

“This is governmental influence run amok,” said Consumer Advocate Ralph Nader. “I may have to run for President again to enact legislation to invalidate this act of Congressional overreach.”

Many questions remain unanswered. What about people who already pay per hour for certain subscription services? Won’t they be paying double? Congress hasn’t answered that question yet, but political pundits say that many congressional leaders will have plenty of answers prepared for the millions of voters out there before the 2016 elections season heats up.

Harvard Study Finds Whites Experience Far More Racism Than Blacks

Posted on December 9, 2014 by DvanL

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

A controversial Harvard University study reveals what many oppressed, non-minorities have said for years – white people experience far more racism than black people.

Dr. Bob Ofay, author of the study, offers a rather straightforward defense of his findings: “Approximately 234,000,000 white people live in the United States, compared to about 39,000,000 black people. It’s simple mathematics. More white people, far more prejudice. The numbers don’t lie.”

Dr. Cornel West, African-American Harvard and Princeton educated philosopher and author, weighed in on the study. “Technically, Ofay’s correct. There are far more whites living in America, so proportionately, he’s right. But there‘s a different kind of racism that whites face.”

West went on to explain that every member of a non-white race has an equal opportunity to practice racism against whites; therefore, going by the data, whites are indeed oppressed far more than blacks. “I feel for my white brothers and sisters!” said West. “I’ve been there, done that, and it’s no day at the beach let me tell you. Especially if that beach is segregated,” he added.

Rev. Al Sharpton, activist and TV opinion show host said, “All these years I’ve been organizing protest marches fighting inequality between historically white-on-black oppression, since slavery anyway. But now that I look at the bigger picture – the history before slavery – I see that whites have suffered far more oppression than blacks, and many other races combined for that matter. When you do the math, I see now that it’s the whites who have gotten the short end of the racial stick.”

When asked if his editorial viewpoint would change because of the Ofay study, Sharpton replied, “Hell no! I’ve got a gold mine going on here! Don’t get me wrong – I’m sympathetic to the plight of white people – but I’m not a damn fool! That question was outrageous!”

Whether the results of Ofay’s survey will change perceptions across the nation is up for debate. Just a peek at today’s headlines, from Ferguson Missouri to Staten Island, New York, seem to tell a different story.

Ofay remains confident. “The facts I have presented will bear me out. These days, to be born white is to have one strike against you. I knew the tide was turning when years ago, salsa became the number one condiment over ketchup. The proof’s in the pudding,” said Ofay.

In a related study by the Food Institute of America, chocolate pudding outranks vanilla by a nearly 2 to 1 margin, but they say butterscotch is gaining traction.

Tanning Salon Chain Sued After Putting Cooking Oil in Self-Tanner

Posted on December 8, 2014 by DvanL

MALIBU, California –

More than a dozen people have filed suit against the Shining Sun, Inc. chain of tanning salons after it was revealed that the self-tanner applied to their bodies was actually cooking oil. A labeling error is blamed for the mixup.

Shining Sun uses a combination of lightly tinted self-tanner and natural botanicals rather than a heavy oil-based spray. Usually within 24-48 hours, the tan deepens, depending on the person’s body chemistry.

“A few of the people who felt the spray tan wasn’t working fast also used the salon’s tanning beds,” said Dr. Paul Westerbrook of Malibu Urgent Care Hospital. “A couple came in to our E.R., and they were showing signs of acute sun poisoning. I know this is Malibu, but it’s still a rarity, especially in December. I asked them how long they had been in the tanning beds, and they said about 20 minutes. After a number of other people started coming in and were also showing signs of sun poisoning, we started investigating.”

Dr. Westerbrook first questioned the couple on why they would use the tanning beds and the fake tan spray together. “They told me they were in a wedding party and wanted to look ‘healthy’ for the photographs, and the spray tan they received wasn’t working fast enough. We eventually examined the spray, and determined that it was soybean oil. They literally cooked themselves while laying in the tanning beds.”

“The tan looks great, but I feel like hell,” said Marc Chaleur, lead plaintiff named in the lawsuit. “My wife can’t even talk because her lips are so swollen, but other than that, she said it’s the most even tan she’s ever gotten. At least that’s what I think she said.”

Shining Sun, Inc. spokesperson Autumn Trent released a statement from its corporate headquarters in Malibu.

Due to a third-party vendor error, several batches of our natural tanning solution were mislabeled, resulting in discomfort and injury to a number of our patrons. While we regret this unfortunate circumstance, because the matter has become a legal issue, further statements and updates regarding the matter will be issued by the law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn.

Plaintiffs Mr. & Mrs. Chaleur hope to make the photo session for the upcoming wedding after a few days’ rest and lots of cool baths. “My wife said she’s determined to look her best at the photo shoot. I mean, at least that’s what I think she said,” added Chaleur.