Wal-Mart Plans To Layoff Thousands of Employees If Federal Minimum Wage Is Raised

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Angela Baker

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Expect even longer lines at Wal-Mart this holiday season if the federal minimum wage is raised, as Wal-Mart executives say they plan to lay off thousands of workers if the bill finally makes it through congress.

Douglas McMillion says, “It’s the only way we will be able to keep our costs low, while keeping the Walton family in the lifestyle they have grown accustomed to. They are in the midst of building a new addition to the family bunker. They need to be prepared to fend off the welfare horde when the inevitable economic collapse happens, and government aid dries up. In fact, everyone should be preparing for this. We have great deals on bottled water and ammo, and you’d be wise to take advantage of these low, low prices while you can.”

Recently workers have organized strikes, demanding fifteen dollars an hour. Store manager, April Ranger says, “It’s ridiculous. Wal-Mart pays a livable wage, and most of the staff is barely worth the $7.25 we give them anyway. Plus they get a 10% discount on everything they could possibly need for their families, and we give them just enough hours so that they can still receive hundreds of dollars in state aid.”

While many claim, they will stop going to Wal-Mart in support of the workers, that is easier said than done. Economist Bill Mason says, “Wal-Mart killed all competition, and now that the Main Street USA is dead, you have no choice but to spend your measly earnings at Wal-Mart. If minimum wage goes up, either costs go up, or companies downsize to compensate for having to spend more on unskilled labor. You think CEOs and shareholders will take the hit?”

Daughter of Sam Walton, Alice Walton also remarked, “Fifteen dollars an hour? Do we really need to pay cashiers more than public school teachers? This is a job anyone can get and anyone can do. It’s really too bad we can’t outsource it to India. Those people would kiss my high heels and call me Buddha for $7.25 an hour.”

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey –

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement. So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”

McDonald’s Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son ‘Big Mac’

Posted on November 13, 2014 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Carl Powell, 35, is facing a major lawsuit from popular fast food chain McDonald’s after naming his first-born son Big Mac Powell. Powell feels that the lawsuit is ridiculous, and that they should be paying him for the additional publicity that his son’s name will give them.

“It’s crazy man, I’ve never faced anything like this before,” said Powell. “I hate that a big company like that thinks they can just push around someone small like me. I mean their motto is ‘Have It Your Way,’ isn’t it? No, wait, that’s not right is it? That’s Burger King. I eat a lot of fast food so sometimes I mix things up.”

McDonald’s has yet to comment on the lawsuit, but a letter sent to the Powell household by the company expressed that either Powell change his son’s name, or he’d be sued for millions.

Ironically, Powell’s net worth is just over $4 million dollars, after he won a lawsuit against McDonald’s in the 1990s. The lawsuit against the company occurred because Powell choked on a Big Mac while dining inside of a McDonald’s restaurant, and the entire staff watched him choke, while doing nothing. He lost consciousness, and fell into a coma for weeks.

“When I finally awoke in the hospital bed, a lawyer was standing over my bed asking if I wanted to become a millionaire. It was the happiest moment of my life – well, up until having my baby boy Big Mac. That the reason I named him that, to honor the day I became a millionaire, and because even though one almost killed me, Big Macs are delicious.”

Powell has hired a lawyer to defend his right to name his child whatever he likes.

“This is America, damn it. Where a man can eat a Big Mac, name his son Big Mac, or have sex with a Big Mac, if he chooses. McDonald’s may have given me these millions, but they’re sure as hell going to fight to take them away.”

Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

Scientists Warn Massive Glacier Collapse Could Put Many Coastal Cities Under Water

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

REYKJAVIK, Iceland –

Scientists at the International Glacier Study Project in Iceland warned today of imminent danger from the possible collapse of the largest ice sheet in history. The press conference reportedly left viewers speechless, many of whom left the conference immediately to warn their families.

”Ladies and gentlemen, the study of glacial science is usually measured in decades and centuries. Global warming and climate issues have changed that,” said Johan Jorgensen, chief scientist for the project. “I am here today to tell you of an Earth changing event. According to our research, within the next several weeks, a polar ice sheet located just outside the North Pole, approximately 7 times the size of Manhattan, will separate from it’s glacier and fall into the Atlantic Ocean.”

“This event could very well trigger a tsunami that would spread across the world, leaving many coastal cities underwater. This event can not be measured in dollars of destruction, so much as in human life. The resulting temperature change of the oceans will disrupt weather patterns for years to come, for those lucky enough to survive the tsunami. I urge governments across the world to begin immediately evacuating all coastal cities to locations no less than 300 ft above sea level.”

Scientists in the United States and Canada who have seen Jogensen’s research have confirmed that a tsunami of that proportion would wipe out most of the East coast of the United States, with most towns in Southern Florida being eradicated completely.

President Obama could not be reached for comment, as he and his family were aboard Air Force One on their way to an unexpected ski vacation in the Swiss Alps.

Ray Charles’ Former Wife Says Singer’s Blindness Was Just An ‘Elaborate Hoax’

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a exclusive interview, Cindy Charles – 2nd wife of singer Ray Charles – came clean about what she says is Ray’s ‘biggest secret.’ Cindy, who is the mother of 2 of Ray Charles’ 12 children, says that Charles was not actually blind.

“I didn’t know Ray when he was a child, but I can tell you what he told me,” said Cindy Charles. ”Pretending to be blind started out as just an elaborate hoax to get out of chores when he was just about seven years old. Ray’s mom was a strict, God-fearing woman, and she told Ray, ‘If I find out you’re lying about your eyes, boy, I’ll tan your hide and you’ll burn with the Devil for lying to your Mama!’ So that’s how it started, and that’s how it continued for so long.”

“All his life, he had to walk around, bumping into things, any time someone was around who didn’t know his secret. I’m not sure how many people knew that he could see perfectly, but it wasn’t long before Ray realized that being blind had it’s advantages – at least when the blindness wasn’t real,” continued Cindy Charles. “He could ‘accidently’ touch girls breasts – which coincidentally was how we met one night. Also, he didn’t have to get a job, so he was able to concentrate on his music.”

“All of that head bobbing back and forth when he played piano, well that was just part of the act. What you couldn’t see because of the dark glasses was that he was looking down to see what he was playing,” said former manager Joe Goldsmith. “The reason everybody who knew kept it a secret was the money – nobody wanted to stop that money train. Ray had 12 kids with 10 different women – that’s a lot of paying off. I know he was keeping me in the good life for quite awhile back in the day.”

“The money train has dried up, though, and why I’m telling this story,” said Cindy Charles. “Legend that he is, ain’t nobody buying Ray’s music anymore. Rap, hip-hop, and free music downloads stopped putting food on the table ages ago. If it hadn’t been for Jamie Foxx and that movie a few years back bringing Ray’s story to life on screen, I think I’d have spilled the beans a long time ago.”

Columbia Records and the Ray Charles estate deny all accusations made by Cindy Charles. “Nonsense” was their only comment.

Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a press briefing today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest had the embarrassing job of explaining to the public how a computer glitch will negatively affect 6 million people.

”It has come to our attention that because of a simple computer error, almost 6 million people have been wrongfully put on the registered sex offender list. As it happens, all 6 million appear to be registered Conservatives that voted in the November mid-terms. I want to make it clear that this was an honest mistake, and in no means some sort plotted revenge orchestrated by the White House after the embarrassing results of the election.”

”I want to assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this, just like I did in the IRS scandal, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and Solydra,” said President Obama from a golf course in Hawaii. “I encourage all Conservatives affected by the error to hire attorneys to defend against any possible claims of sexual misconduct that may arise due to this computer malfunction, as it may take several months to a year to fix. We have people going through the list right now, name by name, comparing it to old lists, to see who should actually be on there, and who should not – but it will take time.”

“This is the Presidents most outrageous use of power since his last most outrageous use of power. I would like to assure the American people, we will get to the bottom of this, we will have conferences and hearings, right after the Thanksgiving break. Actually, maybe the Christmas break,” said John Boehner (R. – Ohio). “I encourage all Republicans and Conservatives to double their donations to the GOP, because this will be an expensive process.”

Obama To Offer Full Citizenship To Illegal Aliens Who Register As Democrats

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama today signed an executive order granting citizenship to all illegal aliens if they agree to register as democrat voters. The order was expected by many in congress, although dictating voter party has many in Washington up in arms.

“I have been pushing for a path to citizenship for 6 years, but the Republican House has done nothing,” said President Obama.”If the republicans and the extreme right don’t care enough to make these people citizens, well then it’s only right to make them Democrats. Thanks to the our party blocking voter I.D. laws, illegals have been voting democrat in our elections for years already. I expect some outrage from the right, but in the end, I only have two years left in my presidency and I’m not done transforming America. You expect a lot more executive orders it the next two years, because now that the republicans are in control of both houses, I will be using my pen for two things, vetoes and executive actions.”

John Boehner (R. – Ohio) says that he thinks the President has ‘lost touch with reality.’

“Obama has no respect for the constitution, or the majority of people in this country. Insisting illegals register as democrats is the most outrageous move in the history of this country,” said Boehner. “We will fight this move through legal action, and push for impeachment proceedings if we can, but make no mistake, we will stop this President.”

The order grants illegal aliens in already in the U.S. full citizenship, as well as healthcare benefits and food assistance, and will begin registering the individuals as of January 1st.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ TV Series Picked up by SPIKE TV

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Recently cancelled by TLC, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been picked up by SPIKE TV, and will have new episodes airing in January. TLC cancelled the show when “Mama June” broke things off with her husband, Sugar Bear, and moved in with convicted child molester Mark McDaniel. TLC executives said they felt that June’s actions were putting her family in harm’s way, and although they resolved to continue paying for her children’s education and counseling, they would no longer be airing the TV show.

“A trailer trash mom with young children has a convicted child molester move in, that’s just the kind of plot twist our viewers love!” said Mike Miller, SPIKE TV program manager. “Little Honey Boo Boo in danger every night, now that’s TV! We at SPIKE do our best to make sure Honey Boo Boo and McDaniel spend as much time together as possible.The first episode will have Mama June winning a three-day vacation, leaving McDaniel home to watch the kids. It will be dynamite TV. I’m looking forward to this being one of our highest rated shows, and I have so much confidence in it, we will put it to directly compete against MTV’s 12 and Pregnant.

“I want to thank SPIKE TV for giving me and my Honey Boo Boo a second chance,” said Mama June.”I don’t know what all the fuss was about anyway, Mark is a good man. He loves me and the kids, he’s not a molester – he’s just a touchy-feely kind of guy. He just keeps forgetting he don’t live alone anymore, I’m always yelling at him not to walk around naked in front of the youngins. Anyway, I’m glad Mark’s here, the medications I’m on just know me right out at night, ain’t nothing can wake me up, so it’s nice to have a man around to keep the kids safe.”

Because TLC owns the rights to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo titles, the Spike TV version will be called There Goes Honey Boo Boo. “It’s better than our original title, I think, which was Here Cums Mark McDaniel.”