Police Officer Refused To Defend Himself From Beating By Teenager

Posted on October 15, 2014 by skullman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

A police officer in Charleston is being commended by his superiors today after he refused to defend himself from a brutal attack by a teenager while on duty two night ago.

According to reports, officer Charles Brown, a veteran patrolman, was savagely attacked by an African-American juvenile around 11pm Monday evening while performing a routine traffic stop. Dash cameras and microphones in the police vehicle show Brown, who is described by everyone who knows him as easy-going and extremely mild-mannered, as pulling over a black Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck that had a broken tail light. He asked the driver of the vehicle, a 17-year-old male (whose name is not being released because of his age) for his license and insurance card, and is immediately struck in the face by an object flying from the driver’s side window.

“It was all a blur, really,” said Brown, who is recovering from injuries in a local Charleston hospital. “I asked the boy for identification, and then something struck me in the face. I went down, and was blinded for a second from the shock, my eyes watering. Next thing I know, I’m being pelted by kicks to the ribs and face.”

Brown’s commanding officer says he suffered several broken ribs, a broken wrist, a partially collapsed lung, and minor bruising to his face, but was lucky to have not defended himself in any way, or else the entire ordeal could have gone very badly.

“Officer Brown will recover, and his wounds will heal,” said Captain Joseph Goldsmith. “This could have gone very badly, though, we admit that. If Officer Brown, who is a well-built white male had attempted any sort of defense, or God-forbid, attacked this teen back, then this could be a media firestorm. Officer Brown did the right thing, taking the beating, and I encourage any police officer who may be faced with a similar situation to act in a similar manner.”

Captain Goldsmith went on to say that the teenager, who was later arrested holding up a liquor store, will face criminal charges including illegal possession of a firearm, grand theft, resisting arrest, and assault on a police officer.

A candlelight vigil was held outside the hospital, with many officers and family members showing up to pray for a speedy recovery for officer Brown.

Tampax To Market Pumpkin Spice Tampons

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Not a company to be left behind when it comes to current fads, Procter & Gamble have announced today that they will begin selling their brand of Tampax tampons in a pumpkin spice scent.

The company says that they knew that the autumn season there was a big call for pumpkin spice flavors and scents, until this year they never thought they’d bring such a product to market. Head of Design Martha Plumb says that the company received so many letters and emails about developing the product over the last few years, that they decided it was time to produce it.

“Most people, especially women, love the scent of pumpkin spice,” said Plumb. “It reminds them of the fall, of autumn leaves and pumpkins and Halloween and just all the lovely, fun things the season brings. We wanted to capture that smell, those feelings, and make them available in a tampon.”

Plumb says that although the product is being developed, it won’t be ready for market until next year. “If it does well, which we believe that it will, we may introduce other scents for different times of the year, including Apple Pie, Fresh Cut Grass, and Winter Snowfall.”

Not to be outdone in the pumpkin spice arena, Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Durex brand condoms, has also announced that they are considering bringing to market a pumpkin spice flavored condom, and Charmin has said they have plans to create a pumpkin spice scented toilet paper.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Arrested, Deposed

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

It had been several weeks since North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was last seen in public, during a concert he attended with his wife on September 3rd. Rumors swirled that he had become ill or perhaps even died, but because of intense media control in North Korea, there were more questions than answers during his disappearance.

Earlier this morning, photographs began to surface in the United States of a visibly beaten and bruised Kim Jong-un being led by what appear to be police or military officers, and we have come to learn that he has been deposed, quickly and forcefully removed from power. Full details at this time are unknown, but what has been learned is that Jong-un was taken and apparently tortured after the concert on September 3rd, held in an unknown location for several weeks.

North Korean government leaders had been hiding the fact that Jong-un was unaccounted for, and have so far made no public comments since he has resurfaced. Although definitely pleased with having their dictator removed from power, North Korean citizens are so far refusing to celebrate, for fear of government retaliation.

At this time, it is unknown who was involved in the takedown of the North Korean leader, and if the United States or other countries were part of or privy to the overthrowing.

Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.

Republicans Agree Global Warming a ‘Hoax’

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

With sea ice in rapid decline, and following the globe’s hottest September on record, GOP members have been sounding off about their views on global warming, and perhaps no one is a more outspoken critic of the theory than Rep. Dan Benishek of Michigan.

“There is absolutely no evidence that there have been any significant changes in weather patterns,“ said Beniskek at a summit in Grand Rapids, MI, where the typical October climate is between 45° and 61° Fahrenheit.

When it was pointed out that there is significant data published in peer-reviewed journals supporting this phenomenon, and the role that humans have played in causing it, he replied, while wiping perspiration from his brow, “Peer reviewed, yes. But not by my peers. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m taking my family to the lake for some water skiing.”

Benishek is not alone on the subject—In a January Energy and Commerce Committee meeting, every Republican voted against the Electricity and Affordability Act, which if passed would carry the condition that the committee accept the reality of climate change and that it’s caused by greenhouse gas pollution.

Rep. Ed Whitfield (R-KY.) of Kentucky, a coal-state, approves. He reportedly stated at a recent press conference, “If God meant for us to not burn fossil fuels, he wouldn’t have given us coal.” He then made his exit as his representative handed him his surgical mask and helped him climb into his hummer.

Senator James Inhofe (R-OK.), whom comedian Jon Stewart famously roasted in June for saying, “[Global warming] is really a hoax,” took to twitter this morning denouncing climate change science altogether.

“Global warming is based on the unfounded doctrine of science. And it’s just a big excuse for Democrats to avoid reconciling our views so we can work together to resolve important bipartisan issues #DenyDenyDeny.”

Empire News reached out to David Donnelly, respected environmentalist and president of nonpartisan group Every Voice, for comment. His response was optimistic. “If the environmental community can convince Republicans that their money won’t mean much after our species is extinct, then it’s possible the partisan lines will fracture and we can prevent many harmful effect of global warming.”

AMC Announces ‘Breaking Bad’ To Return For 6th Season; You Won’t Believe This Plot Twist

Posted on October 14, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LOS ANGELES, California –

If you were are fan of the hit AMC TV show Breaking Bad, then I hope you’re sitting down for this news. Vince Gilligan, the creator of the much-loved series, has announced that on top of working on creating spin-off series Better Call Saul, he and his writers have begun working on a sixth season for Breaking Bad.

“It’s true, we did decide to come back for another round with Walt,” said series creator Gilligan. “Better Call Saul is going to be able to stand on its own, but there is more to Walt’s story. He hasn’t died just yet.”

Gilligan says that the story he wanted to tell got wrapped up ‘too quickly,’ and that he, his producers, and AMC executives mutually decided that they needed to provide the fans with at least one more season.

“I was contacted by executives from AMC, the network which had been our home for five great seasons,” said Gilligan. “They told me, in no few words, that they couldn’t survive as a company on just the strength of The Walking Dead; as good as people think that show is for some reason, as many records as it might break, it doesn’t have the viewership or the type of rabid fans that Bad has. So yes, this is about continuing the story for our fans, but it’s also about AMC really, really not wanting to let go of a franchise that has made their channel a contender in the world of cable.”

Series star Bryan Cranston, who previously played the lovable, goofy father on Malcolm In The Middle, became famous as Walter White, teacher-turned-meth dealer, who fans couldn’t get enough of for 5 straight years.

“I knew the show would be huge,” said Cranston in an interview last May. “It was written too well, the ideas and characters so involved, it was a lot of fun working on the series, and I’m glad I got to be a part of it.”

Cranston said that he was approached almost immediately last month about continuing the series, and didn’t hesitate for a second once he was told a bit about where they wanted to go with his character, and with the series as a whole.

“I loved playing Walter, and I was glad to jump at the chance to do it one more time,” said Cranston. “We have a lot of things happening in this last season – not giving too much away, obviously Walter didn’t die. Jesse is on the run, and our relationship is strained. The DEA and FBI don’t know Walter is alive, so the meth still flows for a while. I already know that Walt ends up in jail at some point, there is a trial, but you can bet that won’t be how the series ends, either. Everyone will be in for a real treat in season 6, I can promise that. I haven’t seen the final ending script, so hell, maybe season 6 won’t even be the last, who knows?”

Breaking Bad, which was the recipient of 10 Emmy awards during its run, begins shooting season 6 in December. The entire original cast is expected to return.

‘Russianized’ Bees Trained To Attack Ukraine For Russian Military

Posted on October 14, 2014 by DvanL

MOSCOW, Russia –

A Russian whistleblower has spilled the beans on another planned invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces, this time aided by a specially trained and bred species of attack bees.

The ‘Russianized’ bees were housed and trained in what the informant described as “anger hives,” specially constructed to keep the bees constantly agitated and ready for attack.

Through a translator he said, “We interrupted the bees’ sleep and work cycles and sometimes would poke the anger hives with sticks and broom handles. At first we were not given adequate protection to keep us from getting bee stings, and one of our workers had to be hospitalized after he accidentally tipped over one of the bee boxes. I was stung only a few times, but my friend was stung many hundreds of times.”

After the February 14 Ukrainian Revolution, Russia stepped up hardline efforts to re-establish control in the troubled region. Special military forces annexed Crimea, an act that Russian President Vladimir Putin reluctantly admitted after many international inquiries for answers.

It is unclear whether the worldwide collapse of bee populations is connected with Russian bee recruitment efforts, although the unnamed informant did provide some clues as to how the bees were obtained.

“We were ordered to plant many special fields of clover and other plant and flowers that would attract the bees. These orders came directly from President Putin. We sprayed the plants with synthetic bee hormones to attract them, and then with smoke machines and nets we were able to calm and capture them for the hives.”

As for the ‘training,’ it was explained that following the bees’ capture, the anger hives were placed in a greenhouse type structure where they were exposed to bright lights 24 hours a day, with loud ‘Ukrainian style’ music played throughout the day. Teams of ‘box bangers’ were also recruited to agitate the bees. The box bangers would rhythmically hit the hives with sticks at pre-determined times during the day at pre-set intervals timed to coincide with specific musical passages. It was believed that this schedule provided a command structure for the bees, thus making them easier to attack when triggered by the replay of the musical selection.

Russian authorities have denied the story. A spokesman for the Russian military said the charges come from “the delusions of an ex-member of our forces who received what you would call a dishonorable discharge. These absolutely ridiculous rumors came from an individual labeled a misfit. He could not withstand the rigors and discipline of military training.”

At present, it is unclear if bee recruitment and training did progress to the level explained by the informant, as no physical evidence can be found of either the fields used to attract the bees, or the anger hive structures.

“That is not surprising,” said the informant. “Why would they admit such a thing? I saw it with my own eyes and have several bee-stings to prove what I saw is true. Someday the world will know that I am not a crazy person and that I speak the truth,” he added.

REPORT: NFL Players Make Too Much Money; Risk $10k Fines To Wear Sub-Par Headphones

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Just last week, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 by the NFL for wearing a pair of Beats brand headphones during a press conference after the team’s win over the Chiefs. The fine was the first of its kind after a ban was placed on the product; the NFL has a deal with BOSE systems, and for the most part, players are required to either wear that brand of headphones, or none at all.

Yesterday, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton was also photographed wearing Beats by Dre headphones, apparently not giving one second thought to the fact that he, too, could end up fined the equivalent of what amounts to half of the annual salary of many of his fans.

“I think these players, they make too much money,” said Al Ross, a lifelong football fan in Boston. “I mean, first of all, they’re out there, spending hundreds of dollars on these stupid, shitty name-brand headphones, and then the NFL says ‘Sorry, you can’t wear those,’ and instead of replacing the aforementioned pieces of shit with the free Bose headphones the club would give them, they risk having to fork over $10,000 because they want to keep wearing them? I love football, but the players are dumb as a bunch of bricks, I tell ya.”

“Personally, I’m a huge fan of sub-par headphones that break every few months, that’s why I keep wearing them,” said Bo Roberts, second-string linebacker for the Chicago Bears. “They wanted to give me the new brand that the NFL deals with, but that’s dumb. My Beats work fine for the most part, if I jiggle the wire just right and tilt my head to one side. There’s no reason to get rid of them just yet – not because the offices tell us to, anyway. That’s stupid.”

The NFL has yet to comment on whether Cam Newton would also be fined for wearing his Beats headphones. In other related news, Skullcandy is literally begging any player that they can find, in any professional0 sport, to possibly wear their headphones in public, to remind people that they, too, want to be thought of us ‘cool.’

Jenny McCarthy Preaches New ‘Goating’ Fad, Says To Eat Candy While Still In The Wrapper

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Over the last 7 years, Jenny McCarthy has been able to convince millions of parents to stop vaccinating their children, almost single handedly creating the movement known to the media as anti-vaxxing. Now, McCarthy is working to convince parents that the only way for children to safely consume candy is while it’s still in the wrapper.

A public service announcement released by McCarthy early Monday morning detailed the supposed health benefits of ‘Goating’, or eating still-wrapped candy, and the increased risk of autism in children who eat chocolate and other candies that have been removed from its original wrapper.

McCarthy tells her 700,000 plus Facebook followers that years of research has gone into the theory, and that ‘Goating’ will provide your body with an extra layer of protection from the harmful GMO’s and chemicals found in candy. She said the idea came to her when the family dog got into a bag of fun-sized Milky Way candy bars.

“I knew I was on to something, because chocolate kills dogs normally, but Muffy was fine, just some diarrhea. If eating fully wrapped candy bars can prevent my dog from overdosing on chocolate, it can certainly prevent any child from contracting autism.”

Several respected authorities in the medical community have spoken out against Goating, and are warning the public that the practice of eating fully-wrapped candy carries a far greater health risk than just eating the candy bars normally. Experts are saying that in addition to the obvious choking concerns, the human digestive system is not designed to break down plastic wrappers.

McCarthy has said that she is releasing a book about her studies on ‘Goating’, to be released on October 21^st. The book will be titled Goating: Now that’s a Wrap, and will be released just in time for Halloween, when candy eating is at a yearly high for children and adults alike.

Michael Jackson Seen Alive, Hiding In Canada Under Assumed Name

Posted on October 13, 2014 by DvanL

ONTARIO, Canada –

Soon after the June 2009 death of the ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson, a number of worldwide conspiracy theories and death hoax scenarios emerged, generated by fans who either refuse to deal in reality, or by individuals who genuinely believe that a cover-up concerning Jackson’s death took place.

Although most stories are taken about as seriously as reports of an Elvis Presley sighting at a Burger King, suspicious events in Ontario, Canada are leading many to believe that Jackson, in order to escape mounting legal problems, staged his death, assumed a second identity, and is now living in Canada under the name Alain Pontifex.

One week after reports of Jackson’s death, a mysterious newcomer moved into a small bungalow near Ontario’s Lake Doré. According to a neighbor, a fleet of moving vans and a limousine pulled up in front of the property where a ‘pale middle-aged male’ was escorted into to the house, surrounded by what appeared to be 3 bodyguards.

Census records list Alain Pontifex as the owner of the home. He has never been seen in public. A small live-in staff attends to his needs. When locals ask questions about Pontifex, the answer given by household employees is always the same: “Mr. Pontifex is a very private person.”

Jackson ‘truthers’ believe that stories of the entertainer’s ill health and frailty while rehearsing for his 2009 “This Is It” London comeback concert were all part of a disinformation campaign designed to lend credibility to Jackson’s faked death. “Truth For MJ,” a Jackson death hoax organization with a growing membership, cites many hints leading to the logical conclusion that Alain Pontifex and Michael Jackson are one and the same person. Group moderator MJTruthCaptainBob@yahoo.com writes:

Many packages delivered to the cottage are from theatrical makeup and costume companies
Visitors to the cottage are always privately escorted from Ottawa International Airport to the Pontifex home by staff members and shielded with umbrellas
The town has received a request for a permit to house exotic animals on the premises.

A former contractor hired to do “outside work” around the cottage said “I never met Mr. Pontifex, but I did hear his voice once or twice. It did sound like Michael Jackson’s voice,” said the anonymous worker. “I can’t swear that it was Jackson, but I got the feeling it was some famous person who wanted to hide out, and I think I heard something about them building a recording studio inside the house.”

Town officials offer no comment except to say that they respect the wishes of all members of the community. A few Jackson truthers have attempted to visit the cottage, but have been stopped by private security.

So now, conspiracy theorists have one more plot to debunk, add to, or pick apart. In a recent posting, MJtruthcaptainBob said, “The truth is out there and we, the world’s greatest fans of Michael Jackson will work hard to expose it. We owe it to the greatest entertainer in the world. He never gave up on us, and we will never give up on him,” he added.