Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

Posted on August 8, 2014 by DvanL

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Don’t call Carl McInerney a hero. The unassuming groundskeeper from Roslindale, MA is just a regular guy, to hear him tell it. But early last week his low-profile status instantly changed, when lifelong friends Jessica Hayes and Barbara “Bobbie” Clarke found themselves in trouble at an outdoor café.

“Bobbie and I were eating way too fast,” explained Hayes. Clarke had just returned from a week’s vacation in Bali. “I was telling her how I almost missed my plane home because I always run late. It’s like a running gag between us so we were laughing about it.”

Laughter turned to panic when Hayes showed signs of distress. “All of a sudden I look up,” recalled Clarke, “and Jess wasn’t laughing anymore. She was grabbing her throat and banging her hand on the table.”

That’s when McInerney unexpectedly joined them for lunch. “It was my first day at work at the Arboretum so I was kind of in a hurry to get over there,” Boston’s Arnold Arboretum is a much-loved public park, nature research facility and national landmark. “I saw one lady, she was screaming over there and the other lady was hunched all over the table choking.”

McInerney explained what happened next. “I ran over to the lady who was choking and did the Heimlich on her. So then the food comes flying out of her mouth toward the other lady who was right across from her, and the other lady’s got her mouth hanging wide open ‘cause she was in shock, I guess, from being a witness to the whole thing. So then the food comes flying out of the first lady’s mouth and goes right straight into her friend’s mouth, and gets stuck in her throat! So then this second lady starts choking and now she can’t breathe. I thought I was having a wicked nightmare or something.”

Instinct kicked in again, as McInerney quickly raced to the other side of the table and re-performed the lifesaving maneuver, this time on Clarke.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Hayes, after regaining her breath. “It was a cherry tomato that got us both, which was kind of gross, but now we joke about it.”

“Yeah,” echoed Clarke. “We always say we share everything but this time it went too far!”

McInerney didn’t stay around long enough to receive the thanks he deserved. “I made it to work just on time and told my new boss what happened. They made me employee of the month the first day I was there! It was crazy, and I said, ‘Is this for real?’”

McInerney, Hayes, and Clarke plan to have lunch together soon, “But this time,” joked Hayes, “we’re going to make it a liquid lunch!”

Apple Programmer Admits To Stealing Android Code For Use in iPhones

Posted on August 8, 2014 by mike the inkman

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A top Apple programmer sent ripples through the mobile community with the revelation that he has been copying code from a three-year-old version of the Android operating system. Manish Karmic, a twenty eight-year-old developer who has worked for Apple for the past six years, was overheard bragging about his coding ‘ace in the hole’ at a company function by a guest and a member of the media.

Cheryl Smart, a tech blogger for Wired Magazine, was able to capture part of the conversation on her iPhone 5s.

“Honestly, it pissed me off a little bit,” She wrote in her personal blog. “I mean, I just paid eight hundred dollars for this phone because it is trendy, and it ‘just works’, and here is one of the guys who designed it laughing about how he copied obsolete technology from another operating system and passed it off as innovation. Now they are adding more recycled features, like Near Field Communications, and offering different screen sizes, two more things Android has been doing for years.”

Smart claims that she heard Karmic admit to literally copying and pasting thousands of lines of code from a Samsung Galaxy SIII, a phone that the Android community has largely forgotten about.

“And then Apple has the audacity to sue over common sense features like ‘pinch to zoom’ and the general shape of a phone,” Her rant continued.

iPhone users everywhere are jumping to the defense of their favorite device, even after hearing the recording that Smart has uploaded to her blog. They didn’t hesitate to let her know all about it in her comments section.

“Big screens used to be like, so stupid, but they make like, total sense to me now,” stated one guest poster. “And I didn’t get the whole pay-with-your-phone thing before, but now it is like, a total necessity for me.”

“They [Google] think that just because they had something first that it makes them better,” wrote another commenter. “Well, my iPhone is way better. I don’t care about the open source community or removable storage. My phone fits better into my skinny jeans.”

Android owners were quick to jump to the defense of their devices and ridicule the Apple supporters, making sure that none of them escaped unscathed.

“You guys are sheep,” read one retort by user CuddlyMuff. “If Apple released a rotary phone with a shorted-out cord, you’d all be raving about how steampunk it was and how the crackling from the cord shorting out actually improved the quality of your calls.”

One thing is certain, as long as Google keeps innovating, the iPhone is here to stay, thanks to the handy work of geeks like Manish Karmic, who have both a cool eye for copying code and a finger on the pulse of their customers.

“I could code something into iOS that should make them [iPhone users] hate the phone, but they won’t,” Manish can be heard saying on the recording. “I could code in something that would drain their bank accounts, and they would just talk about how much better their lives were with no money. They’ll buy anything. So I just put in whatever, and go to the golf course.”

Government Food Stamp Program To Be Discontinued Effective June 2015

Posted on August 8, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), formerly known as the Food Stamp program, will come to an end June 15, 2015, according to Department of Agriculture executive Thomas J. Vilsack.

“SNAP benefits cost $76.4 billion in fiscal year 2013. A large portion of which went to abusers of the program. In an attempt to save the program for those who truly need it, we reduced the amount per household paid out in 2014. That did not do us much good, either,” said Vilsack in a brief press conference on Friday morning.

The $76 billion dollars spent on SNAP supplied about 47.6 million Americans assistance, for an average of $133 per month, half of which Vilsack says actually needed it.

“A great portion of those 47 million people who received SNAP benefits have jobs that fly in under the radar, they get paid cash under the table, and obviously do not pay taxes. They are abusing the program,” said Vilsack. “This has painted us into a corner, we knew it was going on, we just didn’t realize the dramatic extent of abuse. We feel absolutely defeated. Now the families who need it and deserve it will go without. That is a tragedy. However the money is gone, the White House will not supply us further assistance. If you want to eat, you’ll have to go to work.”

The announcement has infuriated those who depend on assistance, such as Mary Parker of Washington, D.C., who was nearly brought to tears when asked her opinion. “It’s a damn shame our government can’t step up for us and pay for our food. I got five children that depend on it. I don’t know what I’m gonna do now. I guess I’ll actually have to get a job.”

There are also those who agree with the decision, like Jim Conrad of Jersey City, New Jersey. “It’s about time. People like me work their entire lives, pay taxes, and even when we could have used help, we never asked for help, we learned how to take care of our own, on our own. You got people illegally moving into the country, working under the table, taking over the construction trade, they get paid cash and they get food stamps? It has to stop. It is about damn time we stop letting people, especially foreign and lazy people, abuse the system. Make them fend for themselves!”

President Obama, who worked with the Department of Agriculture in shutting down the program, said that the time has come for Americans to make their own way, and that the current system was obviously too broken to repair.

“It’s unclear how we can help families in need in the future because of those people who abused the current SNAP program,” said President Obama. “Sadly, we can’t do anything further for the actual needy at the moment. We simply asked that people be honest out of American pride, and our people have failed us. It is, to say the least, very disheartening.”

Officials for the Department of Agriculture had no further comment.

Woman Arrested For Breastfeeding At Wal-Mart

Posted on August 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LYNCHBURG, Virginia –

A mother who was breastfeeding her newborn daughter in a Lynchburg Wal-Mart was arrested on Wednesday evening after a store employee called the police for what they said was ‘lewd behavior.’ Mary Lambert, whose daughter, Kathy, is 5 months old, was shopping in her local Wal-Mart store when her baby began ‘fussing,’ and needed to be fed.

“I knew as soon as she started squirming that it was dinnertime,” said Lambert. “I was in a relatively secluded part of the back of the store, near the Lawn & Garden section, and I began to feed Kathy. She only needed a minute or two, then she was done, and I went along my way. I didn’t even know anyone had seen me.”

According to police reports, no one had seen her, at least not from within the aisles. A security guard, Aaron Silver, was monitoring the activities throughout the store from within the location’s security room, saw Lambert feeding and immediately called the police.

“She was basically getting naked in public. I could almost seen her nipple for a second. It’s disgusting,” said Silver. “I called the police because I wanted to have her removed from the store for her behavior.”

By the time police arrived at the store, Lambert had already finished her purchases and left. Tracing credit card receipts, they were able to determine her name, and from there they tracked Lambert to her home in downtown Lynchburg.

“I couldn’t believe when they showed up at my door,” said Lambert. “They handcuffed me and they took my baby into custody for the night, because her Dad was working a swing shift and wasn’t home. All the neighbors saw me getting put into the police car. It was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me in my life.”

Lambert now has a misdemeanor charge on her record for public indecency, the first time in the state’s history that they’ve prosecuted a mother for breastfeeding her baby.

“Normally, we let things like this slide,” said state District Attorney Felisia Lewis. “We have laws that protect mothers from prosecution for situations exactly like this. We all have nipples, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. But in some cases, one rotten apple can spoil the bunch, as it were, and this security guard was offended enough that he personally pressed charges against Mrs. Lambert.”

“I have every right to be completely offended. As a God-fearing person, I don’t think it’s right that anyone, man or woman, expose themselves in public for any reason. It’s just disgusting,” said Silver.

Kim Kardashian Sues Owner of Roadside Diner Over ‘Fatback’ Sandwich

Posted on August 7, 2014 by DvanL

SANTA MONICA, California –

Sandwich shops and delis across the nation are known to name popular items after famous celebrities. It’s a trend made popular by New York’s Carnegie Deli, which boasts among other items, the “Woody Allen” – made with corned beef and pastrami, and familiar to fans of Allen’s 1984 film Broadway Danny Rose.

Many would say to be immortalized in food would be a badge of honor, but reality star and social media personality Kim Kardashian disagrees. She has taken legal steps to disassociate her name from one menu item she finds distasteful.

Kardashian filed suit against “Baggazi’s” a small Santa Monica roadside diner, over her novelty sandwich made up of “a generous portion of fatback, topped with 2 steaming poached eggs.” “Fatback” is a layer of fat and skin cut from the back of a domestic pig.

“It’s just going too far,” said a weeping Kardashian during a press conference attended by Kardashian family members including mother Kim, sisters Kourtney and Khloé, and half-sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner, also weeping. Kardashian’s husband Kanye, who was not present, was busy preparing for an upcoming concert in Kyoto, Japan.

“I’m having trouble taking off the last few pounds of my baby weight,” Kardashian explained through sobs, “and this sandwich is mean spirited, insensitive and just not fair. I work hard at things and this isn’t something I endorse for my public image and it also invades my family’s privacy and our good name.”

Proprietor Joe Baggazi doesn’t get what the fuss is all about. “It’s a sandwich for Christ sake, like ham and eggs, just with a famous name is all,” said Baggazi from behind the counter of his small shop. “What am I supposed to do, name a skinny sandwich now after somebody skinny? The skinny people would be complaining I guess about that then.”

The attention brought by the lawsuit has been good for business, admits Baggazi. “I got lines out the door and around the corner,” he said. “If I have to change the name of the sandwich I guess I will, ‘cause I don’t have that kind of money if they sue me, but everyone’s gonna know which sandwich it is anyway, so I’ll call it the ‘You-Know-Who’ sandwich instead if I have to,” he added with a wink.

Baggazi then excused himself to tend to waiting customers who were beginning to form a long line.

Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

Posted on August 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A Maine resident, 34-year-old Charles DeMar, has discovered a loophole in his state’s gay marriage laws that have allowed him to legally wed his 2-year-old German Shepherd mix, Jake. DeMar bought Jake from a shelter a little over a year ago, and he says that they have been inseparable ever since.

“I love Jake more than I have ever loved anyone in the world,” said DeMar, a retail manager for a large big-box chain. “I’m not homosexual, myself. I’ve never really been attracted to any man or woman that I’ve known. When I adopted Jake, I was lonely. I haven’t been lonely since.”

According to the wording of laws in most states where gay marriage has been legalized, a man or woman may marry someone of the same sex, and be granted the same rights and privileges as that of heterosexual couples. The laws in Maine, which voted to legalize same-sex marriages in 2012, are worded slightly differently, allowing DeMar to legally wed his canine pal.

“In Maine, we made the mistake of saying that any male can marry another male, or female can marry female, and be granted the rights of marriage,” said David Klein, a representative for the Maine State Bar Association. “Because it does not say man and man, but rather male and male, Mr. DeMar was able to apply for and receive his marriage license at his local town hall.”

Normally, laws would also be worded to include statements about both parties being mentally fit and able to sign the marriage certificate, which is a legally binding document.

“That wasn’t the case in Maine, either,” said DeMar. “I really looked into a lot before we went through with this. I signed my name, and Jake really did put his paw into some ink and I had him step on the certificate. I think he knows that we’re married. He gave me sloppy kisses right there at the town hall in front of the notary public.”

Officials for the Maine State Attorney General say that they are working with the local and state government agencies to re-word the law as quickly as possible, before anyone else uses the loophole to wed their pets.

“This was an oversight on our part that is bringing us disturbing attention,” said Klein. “You can bet that the laws will be rescinded and changed as quickly as possible.”

“I’m just so happy that I was able to make this happen,” said DeMar. “Unfortunately, Maine state law is extremely strict on the acts of bestiality, so I refuse to elaborate on whether or not we have consummated our relationship. I will say, though, that neither myself or Jake have ever been ones to ‘follow the rules,’ if you know what I mean.”

Shark Week: Discovery Channel Announces 2014 Will Be The Last; PETA Says ‘It’s About Time’

Posted on August 7, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SILVER SPRING, Maryland –

President and CEO of Discovery Communications Inc., David M. Zaslav, announced today that the upcoming season of ‘Shark Week’, its 28th, will be the series finale. The once-a-year series started on July 17, 1987, and has developed a very unique cult following. Zaslav, in an early morning press conference said that more and more people, obsessed with the annual week-long event, are going out on their own and trying to make contact with sharks, which has led to more frequent shark attacks.

“We actually feel that we have created this manifestation of desire for human beings to want to go out and swim with sharks, which people are doing more and more, and we feel responsible,” Zaslav stated. “Shark Week has run its course, it has reached the point where people are actually trying to go out and make contact with these incredible, yet extremely dangerous fish, which obviously, they have no business doing.”

The number of provoked shark attacks has greatly increased in the last three years according to the International Shark Attack Committee. “The last few years people have gone out, without professional supervision, and have attempted to swim with the untamed beasts which, on several occasions, has led to what we label as a ‘provoked attack,'” said IPSA chairman Paul Hart.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has applied a gauntlet of pressure to executives at the Discovery Channel over the years to bring an end to the show. Founder Alex Pacheco has publicly stated on several occasions that the Discovery is ‘endangering sharks while making them more defensive and violent.’

“What they are doing is putting not only stupid, uninformed people at risk, but more importantly, they are putting these beautiful creatures in danger at the hands of man. They are totally promoting human interaction with sharks. This has got to stop!” Pacheco said earlier this year at a PETA convention in Mobile, Alabama.

Many PETA members believe that Pacheco is the mastermind behind Discovery waving the white flag of surrender.

“It is time for the world to stop acting macho and start listening to us, we know what we are talking about, everyone else, especially in this country, are ignorant with animals,” Longtime PETA fundraising coordinator Jennifer Bangs said. “It starts with them killing and eating innocent, loving pigs and cows, and now they’re trying to swim with sharks. They’re just going to kill and eat them, too! It is sickening. Discovery needs to be stopped. They glorify the killing of millions of crab in their idiotic show Deadliest Catch, and killing bears and moose in other shows. Finally it seems that Discovery is bowing down to PETA. The downfall of the network has begun.”

Zaslav was asked whether PETA had anything to do with the upcoming season of Shark Week being its last, he said, “Absolutely not. Those people are just on some mission to be against the world and just want to complain. We do not condone the useless harming of fish and animals, so I don’t have any idea why they would even begin to believe they deserve a voice in the matter. The organization is absolutely laughable, they need to be exposed for what the are, but that is a show we will have to be broadcast another day.” Zaslav then laughed along with the press corp, adding, “Seriously, we have plans to document and expose PETA for the joke that they are.”

The twenty-eighth and final installment of ‘Shark Week’ premiers on the Discovery Channel on Sunday, August 10th.

Pope Reveals Catholic Religion Is ‘Hoax That Got Out of Hand’

Posted on August 7, 2014 by mike the inkman

VATICAN CITY, Italy –

In a shocking turn of events, the Vatican released a statement earlier this week admitting that Christianity as a whole, and Catholicism specifically, have been little more than an elaborate prank spanning just over two millennia, and that the new testament was written specifically to further the agenda of the church. When pushed for comment at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Pope Francis had a speech prepared.

“It all started as a way for some of the more fun-loving Jews to rustle the jimmies of some of their overly scholarly classmates. They got together and decided to have this big to-do about the birth of the Messiah. It was a great set up, really. Joseph and Mary had this whole illegitimate pregnancy thing that they needed to explain, so they worked that in there. Eventually, it just got out of hand. There was all this killing and persecution, and by that point it was too late to come clean. I mean, can you imagine? Spending twenty years living a charade, gaining all these die-hard followers, and then telling them it was all just a dirty trick? Jesus would have wound up on the cross a few years sooner, I can tell you that.”

When asked why the church had kept the secret for so long, Pope Francis was quoted as saying, “Well, by the time the original conspirators had all died, it had gotten too big. The church had become this all-powerful amalgamation of religions. The Holy Roman Empire was really kicking ass. Nothing can unite a conquering army like a promise of glory in the afterlife, similar to what we see going on with Islam these days. So, we just kept it up with the pillaging and the burning of heretics and watch the riches roll in.”

In response to an assertion that Islam was a false religion by proxy, The Pope replied, “Oh, no, no. Not at all. They’ve been right the whole time. That whole crusades mess could’ve been avoided if we’d just bowed down to the one true god, Allah. However, at this point; according to some of the texts I’ve read, it was all just a money game. We couldn’t let the will of our true creator get in the way of what had basically become a license to print money. Dollars, Lira, Wampum, it doesn’t matter what you call it, it has always taken precedence over things like morality and spiritual purity. Really, the only thing that the Muslims are wrong about is the pork. There was, shall we say, an incident, involving a pig and an interspecies strain of a venereal infection. So, big surprise, a cover story was born. Pigs are dirty and so on. Other than that, they are spot on, even though they are kind of dicks about it.”

Though quite taken aback, the Empire News Vatican Correspondent was able to pose the final question of the conference by asking why The Pope had chosen now to break his vow to secrecy.

“Well, it’s not nearly as orchestrated as some of you may think. Lord knows the conspiracy theorists will be all over this one, like they were when we shot Kennedy, errr, when Kennedy was shot rather. Not to oversimplify the thing, but if you eat a bologna sandwich everyday for lunch for two months, chances are you’ll be tired of bologna. Now, imagine doing it every day for two thousand years. I’m tired of bologna, I’m tired of lies. I sat down with my confidants yesterday, and we decided that it was time to blow the lid off the thing, just move on. I guess getting older has something to do with it. Gotta get right with Allah. Maybe listen to some Cat Stevens. It’s just time we all went a different route. No further questions please.”

The unexpected press conference has since gone viral, leaving millions of people with questions about their faith. They feel lost, directionless, and confused. They want to know, should they continue with their faith, and go through the motions, knowing that it has all been a lie; or should they convert, and uproot their entire lives? It is a question that they will each have to answer individually. The world watches, waiting for an answer.

President Obama Launches ‘Gas For Guns’ Exchange Program; Announcement Strikes Controversy

Posted on August 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced this morning that President Obama will be launching a campaign similar to gun-buyback events of the past. The program, named ‘Gas For Guns,’ offers gun owners the opportunity to exchange their weapons, with or without legal documentation, for a $500 gas card.

“A date has not been set but it will more than likely take place in early January, just after the holidays, when American families need a little more assistance with living expenses than normal. The event will last two weeks. It will be a really good avenue to help those in need while at the same time getting dangerous weapons off the streets,” said Earnest.

The exchange program, part of a master plan by President Obama to get rid of guns in the U.S., will give gun owners the opportunity to go to local police stations, firehouses, and in some cities “mobile exchange units” to bring in their weapons. Volunteer gun experts will be on-hand to appraise the firearms, although the gas cards will be valued at $500 regardless of make, model, style, or appraised value of the firearm. Even guns without proper documentation can be turned in.

“No questions will be asked, but we ask those that do have legal documentation to please bring it with your firearm. Those that do not will only be asked for their drivers licenses’ or state identification cards, which will then be copied. This process is simply for keeping track of the gift cards that are exchanged. The participant will then be given the $500 gas gift card, regardless of the appraised value, to be used at a local participating gas company. What is important is that we get guns off the streets and help those in need at the same time,” Earnest announced.

Guns which are handed over will be taken to a licensed gun manufacturing facility, which will be paid an undisclosed amount by the government per weapon, and will be disassembled and discarded accordingly under ATF supervision while being fully monitored. Officials have said that many of the weapons, especially those with little to no value or that are in non-working order, will be melted down for their metals.

As gun control is a very controversial issue, announcement of the program has divided opposition even further. Gun advocate and Washington D.C. native Tom Gillispie told reporters after catching wind of the announcement, “This is absolutely ridiculous, they want just anybody to walk , pull out a gun, then trade it in for a $500 gas card? No matter if the gun is worth $50 or not? So a criminal with bad intentions can bring in a gun worth $100, get a $500 gas card, then trade the gas card for $450 cash then go buy an even more dangerous gun? This is the asinine apocalypse. This is exactly why our country is in a downward spiral. We will go further into debt and the bad guys will still have guns in the end, while those needing guns for protection will not. This is absurd. It is times like this I am embarrassed to be an American.”

Tourist Mary Carcepizzi, from Trenton, New Jersey had quite a different take on the matter. “I think it is an excellent idea. That $500 may save a life in the future, and I am absolutely positive that will be the case for several of the guns turned in. They will be destroyed, as all guns should be, and for each one destroyed, that is one less unnecessary weapon we will have to worry about falling into the wrong hands. Obama is making the right call and I stand behind the program 100%.”

The official starting date and a list of participating gas companies and other details will be announced in late December.

Paris Hilton Denied Suite at Hilton Hotel

Posted on August 6, 2014 by DvanL

ORLY, France –

Paris Hilton, socialite, actress, model, singer and great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, was denied a suite at the Hilton Paris Orly Airport location last week.

“It was an oversight and we were simply filled to capacity,” explained hotel concierge Monique Val-de-Marne, through a translator. “It was quite embarrassing for us as you can well imagine. We offered to provide accommodation for Miss Hilton through the courtesy of one of our competitors, which she gracefully accepted.”

Hilton traveled to France to host an art gallery opening and to promote her second studio album featuring the single “Come Alive” which was released on July 8.

Produced by the record label Cash Money, a subsidiary of Universal Music Group, the music video features images of rainbows, pink, puffy clouds and unicorns, echoing Hilton’s public persona – that of a young, entitled princess, spending the bulk of her time enjoying the leisurely and dream-like lifestyle that comes with fame and fortune.

“Hilton Hotels provide unparalleled service and amenities to all of our guests,” said Val-de-Marne, who blamed the misstep on a staff member who did not recognize Ms. Hilton. “We always have a private suite set aside for what you would call VIPs,” she continued, “but this time an oversight was made for which we take full responsibility. The employee has been taken care of,” added Val-de-Marne, who was not working at the time of Hilton’s visit. The employment status off the staff member could not be confirmed or verified, with a terse “No comment!” issued by an unidentified reception desk staff member when reached by phone.

“Miss Hilton behaved quite professionally and politely from all reports,” remarked Val-de-Marne, “and we would be happy to have her visit our hotel anytime she wishes to do so.”

No statement has been issued by representatives of Paris Hilton with regard to the incident.