Recently Paroled Child Killer: ‘It’s The Children’s Fault For How They Were Dressing’

SYDNEY, Australia – empire-news-recently-paroled-child-killer-its-the-childrens-fault-for-how-they-were-dressing

Following the recent pedophilia scandal of ex-Australian Children’s TV star Rolf Harris, questions are being asked into how someone so blatantly dispicable managed to evade being caught for so many years. Fearing that their child may be the next victim of sexual abuse, many parents are crying out and asking what they can do to prevent these things from happening to their own kids.

Empire spoke to a recently-released child killer, who we will refer to as “Jared”, about what parents can do to ensure that their children are not even on a criminal’s radar.

“You already know how to educate your kids on stranger danger.” he said. “But most of the time, telling your kids not to talk to a stranger isn’t going to stop a potential pedophile from snatching them. Put it this way, if a criminal sees something he desires, ain’t nothing going to stop him if its what he really wants.

“What you’ve gotta do, is stop dressing your children so godd— trendy. It’s your fault, and the children’s fault for how they are dressing!” explained Jared. “All these kids prancing around in adult looking, fashionable clothing, they’re just begging for attention. They’re begging to be snatched up, hurt, abused, and worse.”

It is true that in recent years children’s fashion has taken a surprising turn in regards to style and importance. Last year, London, England played host to the first ever Global Kids Fashion Week,  where young children skipped down the catwalk in designer gear. Even more recently, Florence, Italy held the first annual Pitti Bimbo, a childrenswear trade show. Gone are the days where kids were simply dressed in t-shirts and jeans. Nowadays, even the top fashion labels out there have designer clothes for children to be seen in.

Freelance children’s clothing designer Joanne Okes expressed her own concern about the direction of children’s fashion.

“When you surround kids with such overwhelming consumerism, and you tell them that labels and clothing are crucial to their identity, you end up not with children, not with consumers, but with products. Stylishly dressed kids these days are becoming more and more a fashion accessory, and less like the children of a bygone era.”

“When a criminal sees a stylishly dressed child, he sees an object, not a person, he sees a fashion accesory begging to be used.” Jared’s horrifying words almost mirroring Mrs Okes. “He sees sex incarnate, the same as most men would in any model walking down the runway.”

Whether or not how a child dresses is a factor into the dispicable crimes we unfortunately see so often, is debatable.

“It’s ludicrous!” Said Jeanne Curtis, mother of two young girls. “The idea that how my kids are dressed has anything to do with whether they will be abducted or not is just disgusting. It’s not only an excuse for their evil behavior, but a poor one at that. If my children want to grow up to be the next Cindy Crawford or Sharon Stone, they are going to start young and become beautiful every day.”

When asked about a local court trial involving 21-year-old Susan Bedow and her apparent rapist, the same parent responded, “Well, I don’t know whether the guy is guilty or not, but if he did rape her, that’s completely different. I mean, well…did you see the skimpy outfit she was wearing on TV? That [expletive] was asking for it!”

L.A. Hipsters Start Pop-Up Food Tent, Serve Old Food From Trash

SILVER LAKE, California – empire-news-hipsters-open-food-tent-using-old-trash-food-los-angeles

All across the nation, it has become more and more evident that a “hipster culture” has reached epic proportions.  Young people who want to proclaim their individuality and separate themselves from mainstream society choose to conform to the ever-so-popular hipster way of life; a culture that holds firm beliefs on many things, including and especially food and drink.

Dining on all-natural, organic gourmet, the majority of hipsters consider themselves “foodies,” and many follow strict vegetarian, if not vegan, diets. While eating organic can be a path to healthier living, it is often drastically more expensive due to the absence of chemicals, hormones, pesticides, preservatives, and the costs of maintaining a higher standard of living conditions for livestock.

A young man recently set out to tackle the food issue plaguing both him, his girlfriend, and their small circle of other hipster friends.

“It’s real tough, ya know? A pair of Birks [Birkenstock sandals] can run you anywhere from $70-$120. And eating organic is the only way, man. It’s just the right way to live, ya know? But it’s like, really, really expensive, right?” says Tate Lane, founder of “Not Too (res)Old Organic,” a new pop-up food tent in Los Angeles’ Silver Lake neighborhood. Lane is a professional finger painter and estimates that before his food tent took Silver Lake by storm, he was making roughly $50 a week between selling his art and picking up odd jobs. “I just wasn’t making enough money. But money isn’t important to me. I want to make that clear.”

Legally, once something is thrown away and taken to the curb or sidewalk to be picked up, it is no longer considered private property, and there is no expectation to privacy or ownership of any item that was discarded. While many cities have enacted stricter laws and heavier fines to deter dumpster diving, Los Angeles has yet to do so.

“I was walking past an organic gourmet market one night with my girl, and we watched them throw out bags upon bags of food. She dared me to eat something from [the trash] and I never turn down a dare. I opened up a bag, and to my surprise, there was plenty of food that was, in my opinion, totally good. Some of it was unopened!  I couldn’t justify all of this gourmet, organic food going to waste! I filled up my backpack and had a feast when I got home. That’s when I came up with my food tent idea.”

Lane and his girlfriend/partner Miranda Zimmerman (who he met at a Starbucks where Zimmerman worked as a barista) stay within legal bounds by searching through discarded bags at high-end, organic markets in their city the night before, and giving away their findings at their food tent; accepting donations only to avoid complicated rules and regulations attached to food sales.

Business is going well for the hip pair that’s paired at the hip. “I’m with my girl all day, everyday, ya know? We have the most popular food tent, and we always sell out. It’s the tits.” says Lane.

“We offer an innovative, affordable way of accessing the healthiest, high-end foods in addition to eliminating unnecessary waste. I guess we’re living the dream.” Comments Miranda, appearing to be the brains behind this operation.

 

‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks Sparks Fresh Life Into Fashion Industry

STOCKTON, California – empire-news-jeremy-meeks-sparks-new-life-into-fashion-industry

The man the internet refers to as the ‘sexy felon’ and the ‘hot mugshot guy’, alleged arms dealer Jeremy Meeks spoke with our sources yesterday, and revealed his plans to further his new- found fame into a career as a high end fashion designer.

Meeks, 30, who was arrested on weapons and gang charges, caused a stir in the online world a couple of weeks ago when his mug shot was shared on Facebook and thousands of women began to throw themselves at his steely blue eyes.

“I’m the new face of modeling, y’know?” Meeks told reporters from behind his cell bars. “The high-end fashion world is bored with skinny white boys in billowing veils. They want a bad-ass. An anti-hero! I once killed three people in two minutes with nothing but a Pringles tube. Er, allegedly. Nice guys finish last, women want mass murderers and serial rapists these days to keep them happy.”

No stranger to prison, Mr. Meeks has reportedly begun work on a new male fashion line based off the attire of several of his more interesting inmates.

“I can’t reveal too much about the designs just yet, but I will say they embody the sexy crime-chic look Fashionista’s will kill for.” Said Meeks.

“He’s a fresh spark of life to an industry that is drowning in black shawls and gawdy platform shoes. He’s what we need right now.” Said Sebastian Suhl, CEO of fashion label Givenchy.

“I’m just doing my thing. Trying to make a quick buck and a bang.” Meeks explained, “They want criminal scumbag, I give ‘em criminal scumbag – the clothing line.”

No word yet as to when Meeks’ designs will be modeled on the runways.

Kanye West’s DNA Used To Clone and Breed Guinea Pigs

LOS ANGELES, California – empire-news-kanye-west-dna-used-to-clone-and-breed-guinea-pigs

The proposed business merger between Kayne West and biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics came to a grinding halt Tuesday, when the first of a brood of cloned guinea pigs were found to have a nearly 90% mortality rate. Of the original 86 live births from a synthetic womb, a full 77 were found to possibly be suicidal.

While initially confused by the trend, science has found an explanation to the phenomenon, although a confusing and disturbing one.

The facility where the cloned animals were to be housed had been equipped with watering systems made of hypoallergenic, germ and virus resistant and highly reflective polished steel cages. According to lab personnel, the guinea pigs were found in groups of three or four a day, drowned in the watering troughs they shared. At first, lab management states, they were confused. Further investigation using low-light cameras revealed that the animals were, in fact, voluntarily placing their heads in the trough and staying underwater, apparently only surviving if they passed out and fell over before brain death set in.

Several attempts to alter the water with mood suppressants had failed, and the facility was beginning to lose hope on solving this puzzle. Finally, in an act of mercy, one employee removed one of the suicidal animals, which is strictly against lab policy. Planning to give it a happy home in it’s final days, the nameless employee placed it in an unused fish tank. Providing it with a plastic bowl of water and some fresh hay daily, the employee was amazed to find that the guinea pig was dry and alert every morning, in contrast to the wet and stunned symptoms they had all displayed daily. Upon alerting facility staff to the find, experimentation started and quickly found the source of the lemming-like behavior.

“We were able to narrow the issue down to one of housing,” stated a lab PR agent. “In the facility’s case, we have water troughs with highly reflective surfaces on the bottom, which allow the rodents to gaze at their own reflection. They were failing to come up for air and had shown an alarming tendency towards self-destruction. Upon covering the trough bottoms with non-reflective surfaces, the remaining specimens lost all interest in death, and enjoyed their nice hay and snuggles.”

“We know now that playing God with Kayne West’s genetic material may have been too bold a step for us. There are powerful drives in his genes, chief amongst which is the desire to stare at one’s reflection to the point of ignoring all pain and disorientation.”

The research company has refused to issue comment on the proposed cross of a lobster with Lindsey Lohan to create a lifeform prone to voluntarily throwing itself into a pot of boiling water.

TSA Bans Eyeglasses, Contacts From Airplanes

ARLINGTON, Virginia – empire-news-tsa-bans-glasses-contacts-from-all-flights

In an ongoing effort to ensure the vitality of an American people’s trust in the air travel industry, the TSA has released an amended list of unacceptable items to carry on flights. In addition to socks and belts, the TSA has now declared that both eye glasses and contact lenses are considered to be a threatening item, and will no longer be allowed on either national or international flights with a point of origin or destination in the United States. In an official statement by the agency, the decision to label such commonplace items as contraband was illuminated.

“In every instance of terrorism which we’ve seen in the last fifty years, an alarming 100% of them relied on eyesight to carry out their goals.” Said TSA representative Marsha Cole. “Our intelligence from several agencies has shown, time and again, that terrorists can actually see their intended targets, allowing them to carry out their goals with one less layer of chance to overcome. We have therefore classified any item which corrects eyesight to be a potential terrorist threat, and have asked American citizens to please make allowances for lack of sight in the interest of national security. Remember, if the terrorists can’t see us, then they haven’t won.”

The decree has angered several alleged watchdog groups, as well the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Seniors Association. Washington speculators, however, are quick to dismiss the concerns of citizens groups who protect individuals without 20/20 eyesight. Peering Toms, a security and counterterrorist thinktank which supplies reporting to several national agencies, came to the defense of the TSA decision.

“In every instance, in every field of combat and theater of operations, sight is the one common factor to any combat units objectives. If we don’t let the terrorists look at where they are, they can’t decide where to attack. It’s easy to see. Well, with good vision it is.”

Bloggers have been heavily divided in their support or criticism, with most of the right-wing writing in support of what is colored as a ‘slight infringement.’

“Is it an inconvenience? Sure,” Stated blogger MinuteManOrLess. “But I’m no more inconvenienced when I have to get up in the middle of the night and find my way to (the can) without my glasses. I don’t NEED to see all the time! Sure, the blue-blood bleeding hearts talk about infringement on their civil liberties, but think about this: Why do you NEED to see, if you’re not plotting a violent coup or taking over a plane to fly into a building? If you have noting to hide and no plans to thwart, where’s the harm in stumbling to your seat?”

The TSA, meanwhile, has since put in place provisions to have corrective eyewear held by flight attendants while on-board, and returned with passengers luggage.

Teen Hospitalized After ‘iPhone vs. Android’ Argument Leads To Physical Altercation

RENO, Nevada –  empire-news-teen-hospitalized-after-andoird-vs-iphone-argument-turns-violent

One teen is hospitalized and listed as being in critical condition, and another faces criminal charges in an assault case police are saying was caused by the “stupidest argument” they’ve ever seen.

Christopher Ramos, 17, was taken to St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center yesterday after an argument with Joseph Goldsmith, 16, over whether the iPhone or the new Samsung Galaxy S5 was the better phone. The argument happened during a house party at Goldsmith’s apartment.

“Chris was saying that his Galaxy was way better than my iPhone.” Said Goldsmith to Reno police. “At first I just laughed off how wrong he was, but he kept at it, talking about the better camera, the better battery life, the better apps, the better everything, and after awhile, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

According to witnesses at the scene, Goldsmith jumped on Ramos and began punching him in the face, neck, and body, and eventually switched to hitting him over the head with his cell phone.

“I think if hadn’t put his phone into one of those heavy-duty LifeProof cases, it would have just shattered after the first or second hit.” Said Aaron Silver, a witness at the party. “Because he was protecting his flimsy phone, he was able to keep hitting him and hitting him. Man, I tell you, that case really did its job. [Ramos] ended up unconscious after a couple minutes. I filmed it all on my phone so I could share it on YouTube, but the cops confiscated it.”

The arguments on the internet have raged for years over which company produced better equipment, Apple with their iPhones and their dedicated Apple iOS, or the multitude of manufacturers that produce phones for Google’s Android operating system. With Samsung becoming the number-one seller of Android devices, their battles with Apple have only heated over the years. This is the first recorded case of the internet nerd-rage battle spilling into an actual assault.

“We have never seen anything so stupid as these bunch of nerds beating each other up over who has the bigger technological d—. Seriously, it’s just stupid.” Said veteran police officer Julian Lowe. “They weren’t drunk or high, there was nothing else going on. It was just a birthday party that got out of hand thanks to technology. That’s what crime has come to these days.”

Goldsmith was arrested and charged with 1st degree assault, assault with a deadly weapon, and battery. The original charges also included attempted murder, but lawyers were able to remove that charge. Goldsmith was released on bail and is due in court in August.

Body Of Osama Bin Laden Found By Deep Sea Fisherman

LAHORE, Pakistan – empire news body of osama bin laden discovered off coast in pakistan

The body of terrorist Osama Bin Laden was found by a deep sea fisherman off the coast of Pakistan yesterday. The fisherman, whose name was not released due to fears of threats against his life, has reportedly been offered $1 million USD by the Tabliban to return the body to them, but the fisherman is reportedly interested in holding out for more, supposedly contacting representatives in the White House to test their interest in purchasing

According to the fisherman, he discovered the body about 8 miles off the coast of his hometown of Pasni, Pakistan. Bin Laden was pulled from an area of ocean where the depth is only about 75 meters. His body was well wrapped in a clear plastic tarp, and then tied up in a white cloth. Despite Bin Laden’s body having been disposed of in the ocean 3 years ago, his corpse was reportedly in near-immaculate condition, possibly preserved by the salt water and plastic wrapping.

“I was scared at first, finding a body.” Said the fisherman in an interview with his local newspaper. “I pulled it onto the ship, and I was astonished and amazed. I never in a million years thought I would find not only a body, but the body of Bin Laden. I was so excited – I plan to make a lot of money off this!”

Representatives for the US Government say it is impossible that anyone has recovered Bin Laden’s body.

“There is no way that he was found in the ocean near Pakistan, or any ocean for that matter. The odds of that are exactly zero, and I refuse to say how I know that, except to say that I just…know.” Said Cpt. Issac Hillum, a spokesman for the US Army. “A body off the coast of Pakistan? Entirely believable. The government kills people and disposes of their useless corpses by ‘burial at sea’ almost on a daily basis. But Osama Bin Laden? No, I’m sorry. It’s literally impossible.”

Several high-ranking members of the Taliban have a decidedly different opinion on the matter, and say that the US is denying that Bin Laden’s body has been discovered to hide traces of torture inflicted on him before and after his death.

“We have seen the photos, we know it is our leader.” Said Anam Sammer G. Hadd, current leader of the Taliban forces in Pakistan. “We are prepared to pay to retrieve the body and give it a proper burial. We will stop at nothing to make sure his body is returned to us. That is a warning you had better heed.”

With each side having conflicting opinions on the identity of the body pulled from the ocean, the last word will rest in the hands of the man who is in possession of him.

“I know who it is. I am not blind. The photos are proof, and now the world will know. If the US doesn’t want his body, then I will sell to the Taliban. Or I will sell to a private citizen anywhere in the world. What they do with it, I don’t care to know. The first person who hits my asking price will be given his body. ” Said the fisherman.

Currently, that asking price is $5 million USD. President Obama refused to comment on the possibility of it being Osama Bin Laden, or whether they would purchase the body if testing proved positively that it was.

 

A Simple Solution To End Ludicrous Violence

empire-news-a-simple-solution-to-end-ludicrous-violence

It comes as no surprise to anyone that our world is terribly rife with violent crime. Homicides, genocides, mass murders, and the whole bunch that continually darkens the people. For years now, the government and eager individuals have attempted to conjure countless possible solutions to gun control, or possessing less violence as a whole. Even when these attempts have been made, the issue proceeds to breathe. Very unfortunate, indeed. Lives are at stake, the 2nd Amendment is meeting controversy, and criminals are taking charge with the power of weaponry and the taste for greed, blood, and candy. Yet, I have come with a helpful solution that could solve it all.

Here is my consideration: instead of manufacturing weapons with bullets, the alternative load outs should be designed with none other than liquid. Liquid, such as water, will bring little to absolutely no lives taken. Instead of spurring out blood from the victim, laughter will be evoked. Imagine all of the SMGs, assault rifles, handguns, and whatever teenagers dream of having due to their addictions of Call of Duty and Jason Statham be turned into realistic weaponry with the inside being concealed with water, or some other liquid that can be deliciously consumed.

An anonymous group of politics have taken the idea into their hands and intend on bringing forth the idea to Congress for truthful consideration. The main issue would be the police and military forces; how would they protect us? Same deal: provide them the same liquid weaponry.

No more school shootings, no more war, no more gang fights, blood should be permanently replaced with laughter, or confusion because no one would assume that they would be shot with water guns.

I can see this as a comical notion, yet I believe that it is effective at best. Clowns, pranksters, and unnecessary YouTube stars would go either become famous or instantly go out of business. At this point, who would truly give care either way? We are trying to save lives here, people! Plus, comic weaponry (BANG! with the flag, bubbles, fireworks) would still be in existence. Let them keep that for their God blessed careers.

Finally, and wholly truthful, to whom it may concern, I am very positive about this solution. Laughter is the best medicine (aside from morphine)! Our humble children shouldn’t be witnessing spilled blood on the evening news, they should be seeing people laugh from the usage of water weaponry that are secretly intended for malice behavior. The kids do not need to know that. Let’s fix this world together!

 

Kentucky Town Funds Private School With After-Hours Pole Dancing Classes

BARBOURVILLE, Kentucky –

Barbourville, KY is in one of the most financially strapped school districts in America. With most families having a median income well below the national poverty line, public schools in this district suffer greatly and so do the students. It’s hard to imagine that a private elementary school would pop up on the map in an area riddled with such economic despair, but despite the city’s money troubles, Beam Elementary, a private school for children in first through fifth grade, opened up its doors four years ago and is thriving in the small community. Originally the school was held in one single-wide trailer. Today, the school is much larger, and consists of 4 double-wide trailers  plus the original single-wide.

Education is a major issue in today’s society. With wealthier communities comes better school districts, proven through higher test scores and the number of graduates these schools produce. The opposite holds true for poorer communities.  Public schools receive local funding and a portion of property tax revenues, while private schools are privately funded through tuition and fundraising by the parents. It is a common belief that private schools offer better education to students than public schools can, but this isn’t always true. However, private schools tend to have greater amenities available to students. Private schools often employ higher paid teachers, and have smaller class sizes. These are just some of the contributing factors that may make a private education seem more advantageous than a public education.

“We want our children to have access to proper education. I want my child to have a chance at a good life, and to get the hell out of this poverty-stricken [expletive]-hole.” says Lindsay Fuller, a mother of eight, with two more on the way. Rightfully, she wants her children to have an opportunity to receive the best education around. Six of her children are enrolled at Beam Elementary.

With financing being an obvious hurdle, the mothers of the community gathered together to brainstorm a way to raise money for the school. What they came up with, though, has caused a divide in the community over the last few years. The majority of the school is financed through revenue raised from pole dancing classes held in the school cafeteria after classes end and on the weekends.

“This a privately funded school. I don’t see why we can’t have fun, learning how to show off our privates in order to fund it. These haters are just jealous ’cause our kids are gettin’ better educated then they’s kids.” states Brittany Dunes, a mother of 3 Beam school children, and an avid attender of the pole dancing classes.

Mary Bethlems, who has a son in the public school system, is on the opposing side of the argument. She expresses her concerns to anyone who will listen, often holding one-woman pickets outside Beam on nights when they are using it for the classes.

“It’s just not right. God says it’s not right. The Bible says it’s not right. These are God’s babies! We shouldn’t be teachin’ them in the same place where this devil nonsense is happenin’! What kind of example is this settin’? What kind of lessons are they bein’ taught?! I wonder…”

While school facilities are commonly used for exercise classes across the nation, this is the first in the country that has kept their doors open through funds in any way related to sexual activity.

“There aren’t really any laws in place that constitute what is allowed and what isn’t, I don’t think. I heard that pole dancin’ classes is really becomin’ a popular sport. I get the concerns people is havin’, but I also hear the need for better schoolin’ ’round here. And this is the best school we got.” Said Louise Ross, principal at Beam Elementary. “These kids, they need a good education, and if their moms be wantin’ to learn to take off they clothes and rub they selves all over that pole in order to give they kids the smarts they never had, then why would anyone care?

George Zimmerman Announces Candidacy for Florida Governorship

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – empire-news-george-zimmerman-announces-candidacy-for-florida-governer

The 2014 race for Florida’s governorship was already predicted by political analysts to be one of the closest and most exciting of this year’s midterms. Incumbent Republican Rick Scott is one of the least popular governors in the country, and his challenger, former Republican governor turned Democrat Charlie Crist, will have to fight his image as a “flip-flopper” to win the race.

An unlikely candidate has now entered the fray: in a Monday, July 7th press conference in Orlando, Florida, George Zimmerman announced he will be running for governor of the Sunshine State.

Zimmerman gained national attention 2 years ago for his fatal shooting of unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin. Following the shooting, he was detained and questioned for 5 hours and then released uncharged. News of the incident spread and after 6 weeks of protest, Zimmerman was finally charged with manslaughter and second-degree murder by special prosecutor Angela Corey, who was appointed by Rick Scott to the case. On July 13, 2013, Zimmerman was acquitted on grounds of self-defense.

In his press conference, Zimmerman teased his opponent Rick Scott about their shared history:

“I bet [Governor Scott] is wishing Corey had got that conviction, because now I’m coming for his job. People are tired of the business interests that Scott represents, and they’re tired of the politics-as-usual that Crist represents. The great people of Florida want, and they deserve, refreshing new leadership. That’s what I bring to the table.”

Zimmerman will run as an Independent. He didn’t reveal much of his policy platform at Monday’s press conference, but he did assure voters that, if elected, he would do all he could to protect their 2nd amendment rights.

“Nothing is more important to me than the people of Florida being able to carry guns, shoot guns, and protect themselves in case of serious possibly harm.” Said Zimmerman in the press conference.

The effect of Zimmerman’s political ambition has been much like the fallout from the Treyvon Martin case, igniting racial and ideological tensions. Reactions in social media have been volatile to say the least.

In November, voters will decide if Zimmerman is the man they want for governor. For now, Zimmerman will make his case at a series of scheduled rallies being held in Orlando, Jacksonville, and Pensacola.

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