Discovery Channel Preps For ‘Shark Week,’ Insists They Will Have New Information This Year

Posted on July 4, 2014 by Dan King

SILVER SPRING, Maryland –

For the 26th summer in a row, the Discovery Channel has begun to insist that new information has been learned about sharks, as they gear up for their annual Shark Week lineup of programming. For the past fews weeks, the cable channel has begun heavily promoting Shark Week programming by telling viewers in no uncertain terms that they have new information about sharks which was not available last year.

Shark Week ads currently running on the channel all play up the same angle. One 30 second spot simply shows footage of a swimming shark while Discovery Channel regular and Shark Week 2014 host Mike Rowe says:

“We’ve known about these mighty sea beasts since the dawn of time. But this year, we might finally have them figured out.”

It’s important to note that not even the Discovery Channel is claiming that sharks themselves have changed substantially in the past year. Indeed, sources close to sharks tell Empire News that, while individual sharks may have been born or died in the past year, the sharks as a species have not changed substantially in several centuries.

Discovery Channel CEO David Zaslav said in a press conference earlier this week that he was excited to get to report all the developments in the human-shark relationship to viewers each summer. Says Zaslav, “People are learning new things about sharks every day. And the public at large relies on us to bring them that information once per year in a grand celebration of knowledge. Sure, they could just keep up with any new shark information as it comes out just by using a few Yahoo! News alerts, but why go through all the trouble?”

In the same conference, Zaslav responded to critics of Shark Week, who have recently begun to allege that the week of programming is not educational at all, but simply an almost voyeuristic celebration of stories of swimmers being maimed, secretly aired under the guise of learning. Zaslav says this claim couldn’t be further from the truth but that “For the record, we will be telling all the gory details of every shark attack that took place in the past year. For learning, though, not for fun.”

Empire News was able to speak to Roger Finn, a shark currently living off the cost of Australia. Mr. Finn had not been aware of Discovery Channel’s Shark Week until we spoke to him, but once he became informed he had some strong views on the subject.

“Is this a joke? No, there isn’t new stuff to cover about sharks every year.” Said Finn. “I mean sure, we have a vibrant culture and we do lots of things with each other, but it sounds to me like all these programs are just about times that we tried to eat people, and that process really hasn’t changed in millennia.”

Zasalav claims that they really do try to incorporate at least one new fact every year during Shark Week. He says this year scientists had discovered that the long-held belief that women who were menstruating should not swim near sharks was really just an old wives’ tale.

“As our research team has discovered, even sharks have no interest in eating a woman who is on her period.” Said Zasalav.

“Not for nothing, but why exactly are you singling us out here?” Asked Finn. “You know, lots of other animals kill more people than sharks. Cows, for example. Cows kill more of you than we do. Mosquitoes? They’re like the #1 human killer of all time. I really can’t help but feel like you guys are really being jerks about this. It’s almost racist.”

Go Ask Allison: My Grandma Bought Me Fake Diamonds – What A B****!

Posted on July 4, 2014 by Allison Forge

Dear Allison,
It was my 21st birthday a couple days ago. The ONLY thing I asked my Nana for was a pair of diamond earrings. I don’t know how I should feel because I found out they are cubic zirconium. My stepmother pointed it out yesterday, and thinking about it, I cried on the way to work. I don’t know if I should say something. I don’t want to sound like a spoiled brat, but it was the only thing I asked for. Should I mention it? I really want to say something.

-Faked Out

Dear Faked,
Aww, poor you. Too late, you already sound like a spoiled brat. 21? Nana is wise enough to know you’ll lose an earring during one of your many drunk night – most likely while you’re going down on a stranger with an STD who picked you up while you were blacked out at the bar. What are you, a rich bitch? It’s time to grow up and realize Nana’s bank account doesn’t revolve around you. Whatever your job is, it isn’t hard enough. You should try mining your own diamond for a bowl of gruel a day.
But then again, I’m not really the person to ask since my own mother would’ve slapped me if I had the balls to ask for diamonds. Maybe you should buy yourself a bunch of booze and get the courage to call your Nana. I’m sure if you whine enough she’ll get you a much better present next year.

Dear Allison,
I am torn between my 16 year-old daughter, “Uniquea” and my bae, “Tyrone”. My fiancé got me a stuffed monkey for my birthday a couple weeks ago. Wellllllll…afterwards we got in a fight, and he wanted it back. I told him no, cuz he gave that to me. Anyway, he comes over to get it, and we got in another altercation over it. After we had it out, he apologized and started kissin’ up on me. My daughter screamed, she sick of him hustlin’ me and after kissin’ on me like it was a’ight. Then she took his Ray-Bans and ran in the other room. I screamed at her to give ‘em back, but she twisted them ‘till they was broke beyond repair. Tyrone insists Uniquea needa pay for them out of her hair/nail allowance, but I say Tyrone shouldn’t of been over here provokin’ in the first place. Should I side with my man or my daughter?

-Hassled at Home

Dear Hassled,
Your fiancé sounds like quite the catch. I bet the moment you don’t put out, he demands you give him all those cheesy “I Luv You” Valentine’s teddy bears that line your headboard. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what you do. You’re screwed. You’re daughter’s screwed. It doesn’t matter if Tyrone is in your life because you’re all cursed to live an ignorant, drama-filled existence, regardless. Continue modeling that kind of behavior and just pray Uniquea’s first baby isn’t doesn’t end up with as God-awful a name as she did and that her baby-daddy actually pays child support.

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.com. Go Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published weekly exclusively by Empire News.

Pope Francis Shocks The World By Opening Vatican City To Area Homeless

Posted on July 3, 2014 by NJJones

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

Pope Francis continued his reign of controversy last week when he officially announced in a morning mass the opening of the doors of Vatican City, including the famous Apostolic Palace, to the homeless of Rome for shelter.

No stranger to culture-shocking, Pope Francis added that, in edition to the Vatican being open for anyone who needed shelter, he would personally guarantee food, fresh water, and bathing facilities to anyone who needed it. He even offered privacy beds for homeless married couples who have not have the chance to copulate while living in squalor in the surrounding cities.

Unsurprisingly, this latest announcement of a Holy Man who seems intent on turning the Roman Catholic Church on its head has caused several uproars among other priests and every-day Catholics, many of whom eschew the Pontiff’s modern theories in favor of their religious and dogmatic dark ages-style of worship.

One source tells us that although there are some in the Vatican who are for changing the socio-political environment of today’s society, they are not necessarily on board with being forced to house down-on-their-luck homeless if confronted by one outside their front doors.

“This is exactly the kind of event which highlights to the world the difference between corruption-hijacking beliefs and true spirituality.” Noted one religious commentator who wished to remain anonymous. “They [the church] aren’t giving us a choice. If we live here, then we are required to just step aside and let dirty, possibly diseased, and desperate people into our homes. I will not complain publicly, but I am not happy.”

As far as Pope Francis is concerned, people understand the changes he is trying to make.

“My aim is to be as Christ-like as I can. To heal the sick, feed the poor, take care of the orphans and widows, and preach good news that God is reconciled with mankind.” Said Pope Francis to a Roman newspaper last week. “I open up my home to those without homes, in hopes of fulfilling this very thing. There is no agenda here. Whether they are Roman-Catholic or not, all are welcome to stay without needing to give anything back in return.”

“I’m surprised,” said one believer when we spoke to them about the recent turn of events, “and I am disappointed. I hoped that his Holiness would have had more of an understanding of the importance of tradition. Instead he is completely disregarding it in almost any way he can.”

Pope Francis previously has made news headlines for his comparatively inclusive statements about the LGBTQ community as well as allegedly sneaking out of the Vatican in disguise at night to pray with the homeless people he cares so deeply for.

Google Looks To Buy MySpace, Livejournal, Plans To Combine Them With Google+

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

Google announced this morning their intentions to buy the brands and websites of MySpace and Livejournal, as well as several other smaller, mostly defunct social media sites, to add to their Google+ environment. Google says that they are buying up all these “ghost town” websites to create what they consider a monopoly on social media that no one cares about.

“When we launched Google+ a few years back, we had plans on it becoming bigger than any social media site ever.” Said Larry Page, CEO of Google, INC. “What we failed to realize is that even though we have the biggest website in the world, with more traffic than anyone else, we just aren’t cool enough to get people to want to switch over from Facebook.”

Although many people jumped immediately onto the Google+ bandwagon, the company found there was little they could do to steer people away from mega-giant social media website Facebook. In fact, so few people actually used their Google+ accounts, that Google decided to force people into using it by combining YouTube with their G+ services, something that didn’t sit well with most YouTube users.

“No one uses Google+, and no one wants to use Google+.” Said YouTube commenter ‘BuzzsGirlfriendWoof.’ “Why do I want to have to leave Facebook and go to another site, just to add everyone all over again over there? What a pain in the [expletive].

“We probably came to the game way, way too late.” Agreed Page. “So we’re trying something new, again, and this strategy is a surefire way to get people away from ‘big blue,’ as we call them. All these old websites that no one visits anymore – we’re going to make them hip and cool again.”

Page went on to explain that their plan is to purchase MySpace, LiveJournal, Friendster, DeviantArt, and AOL Instant Messenger, and combine them all into one giant, multi-purpose free-for-all of a social media website called ClusterFudge, with plans to have it be featured when you visit any of the old URLs, or the existing Google+ page.

“ClusterFudge is going to be incredible, seriously.” Said Page during a recent press conference. “You will have our already sleek Google+ website interface, but we will be adding in the features of all the other websites, including blogging and writing notes like LiveJournal, and adding your artwork and photos like DeviantArt. We also are super excited to be able to introduce a great chat feature with the purchase of AOL Instant Messenger from AOL.com.”

When it was pointed out to him during the conference that Facebook already does all of those things, Page brushed off the comment, saying that “they weren’t interested in the dealings of a competitor.”

“We just want to shake up your old memories with this website. You’ll have a top 8 again! Don’t you remember how cool that was? We’re even getting Tom to be your first friend just like old times!” Said Page.

The new website is currently being built by Google teams, in conjunction with several designers and engineers behind the other websites they’re looking to purchase. So far, no deals have been signed, but the purchase of these old, mostly dead and completely non-trafficed sites is said to be somewhere in the nature of only about $50,000.

Bill Clinton Hits Talk Show Circuit to Promote New Book of White House Themed Erotica

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former President Bill Clinton hit the talk show circuit this week to promote his new book, a collection of White House themed erotica. Clinton’s book tour actually parallels wife Hilary’s, as she continues promoting her own book, Hard Choices, a grounded, autobiographical look at her time as Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013.

The former president took to the airways to promote his book, simply titled Hard, which follows the exploits of a main character named “President Stiff Poundstone,” who takes part in an increasingly bizarre series of sexual encounters in-between presidential events.

Former President Clinton has remained cagey on the question of whether President Poundstone is entirely fictional, though he has hinted that parts of the story are based on his own time in the White House. In an interview with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America,” Clinton explained that “In chapter 6, where President Poundstone makes sweet love to the sexy brunette head of the Federal Reserve in exchange for taking $360 billion off of the federal debt? Well, that’s partly true, I really did reduce the federal debt by that much.”

Indeed, some have speculated that former President Clinton wants Hard to, in part, be his way of rewriting the history of his Presidency. Those who subscribe to this belief point to the books tenth chapter, where the media accuse President Poundstone of having sex with an intern. In Mr. Clinton’s presidency, such an accusation lead to an eventual impeachment trial. In Clinton’s new book, however, President Poundstone simply admits to the affair and, to quote the text, “… Everyone agreed that it was an awesome thing to do, and all the media high-fived the President as they shotgunned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer together.”

Hard’s extremely adult subject matter and coarse language meant that Clinton was precluded from reading any large sections of it during his appearances. Instead, the former President was forced to merely summarize parts of the book, hoping to entice readers with his descriptions.

On “CBS Sunday Morning,” Clinton told Charles Osgood that “In chapter three, President Poundstone has to entertain the hot blonde twin Polish ambassadors in order to prevent ruining a state dinner. Things get really steamy when a lobster escapes from a pot of boiling water and joins the fun. It’s one of my favorite chapters- hell I’m getting a chubby just thinking about it.”

Most of Mr. Clinton’s public appearances promoting the book have been solo, but he was accompanied by Hilary during a segment on Morning Joe with Joe Scarborough. During the interview, Mr. Clinton was engaged and egarly answered all of Scarborough’s questions, while Hilary kept her head buried in her hands, only occasionally looking up to stare angrily at her husband and ask “Why can’t I just have my own thing just this one time?”

Michigan Woman Arrested For ‘Eating Too Provocatively’

Posted on June 30, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

DEARBORN, Michigan –

Lovingly referred to as “Little Lebanon” by many of its residents due to the city’s highly concentrated Lebanese population, Dearborn, Michigan was home to a rather bizarre arrest this past Saturday when Katherine Murphy, a Dearborn native of Irish descent, was grabbing a shawarma (a wrap filled with meat and vegetables) for lunch with her coworker at a popular local establishment. Two police officers approached her, claiming complaints had been made by several passerby about the way she was eating and the clothes she wore.

“I was just minding my business, eating my lunch, and all of the sudden I was being treated like a criminal, of the worst kind! A perverted criminal!” Said Katherine, who says she was wearing slacks and a button down blouse at the time of her arrest. “I just can’t believe this is happening to me. I mean – how can this be right? I have to find a lawyer, and go through a whole process. For what? For not covering my hair?”

In a bizarre situation like this, one can see how prevalent the Arab influence is in the city, especially in East Dearborn, where many of the local shops have signs written in both English and Arabic. With most businesses catering to the Arab population, it becomes more clear why Murphy stuck out like a sore thumb.

The officers arrested Murphy, citing complaints they claimed to have received about ‘a woman who was eating a shawarma in a provocative manner while exposing herself to the public.’ Murphy, who was rightfully outraged, was very vocal in her opposition of what she says was a ‘pathetic abuse of power.’

“All of the women around me were wearing hijabs, but I wasn’t. I’m not Muslim. I respect that their culture, but I don’t think I should have partake to just because I want to eat lunch. And not wearing one certainly doesn’t mean I was exposing myself!”

Modesty is a virtue valued in the Muslim community. Many women choose to cover their bodies, baring minimal to no skin, sometimes showing only the eyes, feet and hands. They rarely expose more than this to anyone beyond close relatives, to prevent a man they may marry from seeing what they look like. A hijab is a traditional scarf women wear to cover their hair, and sometimes face.

Abdullah Mouawad, Murphy’s coworker, takes her side on this issue.

“I don’t think she was eating provocatively on purpose, Katherine’s just a very attractive woman and she can’t help that a shawarma is so phallic in nature.” says Mouawad. “Police corruption of power is out of control in this city. They told her that her hair should be covered and there were plenty of places where she could buy a hijab to do so. I feel really bad because we had never been to that restaurant and it was my suggestion. I don’t even know how to help her now.”

Murphy was arrested and charged with Misdemeanor Indecent Exposure and was release on $2,000 bail while she awaits trial.

“I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but I’m still really nervous. I could be put on the sex offenders list!” Murphy said, although, she hasn’t let this ordeal curb her appetite for exotic cuisine. “I’ve had two shawarma’s since, but now I just have my husband pick up carry-out.”

The two officers who arrested Murphy and their superiors refused comment for this article.

Researchers Find Chemical In Doritos Linked To Male Impotence

Posted on June 28, 2014 by EmperorJared

STOCKHOLM — Swedish Researchers at the University of Stockholm released a startling report to their Parliament over the weekend linking popular american brand tortilla chip, Doritos to male impotence and a negative birthrate in Sweden.

The mega-popular snack commonly consumed during televised sporting events, bar-b-cues, parties, and all night video game binges is linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in cows and men who consume the salty corn snacks four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of expired Doritos product set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped.” Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production…levels equal to that of a steer (A bull that sings soprano).

Mass spectrometry technicians in the lab found metabolized compounds consisting mostly of Dorito chip additives, including RED 40 and MonoSodiumGlutamate (MSG) to be the culprit in the bulls sudden lack of ambition.

The delicious, saliva-stimulating gooey paste covering each tortilla chip eventually plugged up testosterone receptor sites in the bull’s testicles, rendering them useless.

Anybody that has ever eaten handfuls of tasty Doritos chips easily recognizes the gooey paste left behind on their fingers. Dr. Blondell wondered if Swedish men are similarly affected. She theorized that men frequently consume the most gooey paste during televised sporting events and set out to prove it.

During weekend games, off campus observers confirmed most single men, instead of getting up to wash their hands or grab a napkin, opt to lick their fingers clean of the Doritos gooey paste before grabbing another beer or thumbing the television remote. Some literarily scrape it off with their teeth.

It was good news for the bulls that their new eunuch condition wasn’t permanent. A return to their normal diet restored their fitness, ambition, and testosterone levels, but Blondell’s startling discovery was enough for Sweden’s Parliament members to place a national import ban on Doritos and certain snack chips beginning next year to combat Sweden’s already declining birth rate citing a possible correlation.

Westboro Baptist Church Members Now Claiming ‘God Hates Jesus’

Posted on June 28, 2014 by Angela Baker

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Westboro Baptist Church, everyone’s favorite radical religious group, are making their presence known again across the world. Apparently, even the Son of God isn’t safe from the damnation of the Westboro Baptist family, as the Phelps’ clan has said they are moving on from just protesting the funerals of soldiers, to protesting what they consider an even bigger threat – Jesus Himself.

According to the Shirley Phelps-Roper, one of the head members of the church, Heaven is a relatively empty place, reserved exclusively for the dwindling Phelps brood, dumpster kittens, and aborted babies, while the majority of people are sent to Hell for an eternal damnation. While most consider Westboro a hate-group (they are banned from both Canada and the UK because of their protests), the Phelps family feels they are the authority on God.

Since 1991, The Westboro Baptist Church has earned themselves scores of bad publicity, protesting funerals of fallen soldiers, bullied suicide victims, and more. Signs that read “God Hates Fag-Enablers” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” are often held by members of the church during their pickets. While they have said they consider the American people the worst abomination in the eyes of the Lord, the second biggest offender is God’s only begotten son, Jesus.

According to the family, since his death in March of 2014, Fred Phelps has appeared in the dreams of multiple members, communicating from beyond the grave, telling them of God’s hate for Jesus.

“He’s a fag-enabling pansy. God Hates Jesus, and the only thing the Father regrets more than impregnating Mary is creating humanity in the first place.“ Said Phelps to several of his granddaughters through their dreams.

“We certainly won’t stop delivering God’s Message.” Said Phelps-Roper. “God has always hated the fags and the fag-enablers of this country. What we didn’t know until my father came to us was that he hates his only son even more.”

According to the members’ dreams, God and Jesus have been at odds over humanity for some time. While God prefers the fire and brimstone approach, Jesus is all peace and love.

When reached for comment about their new mission, Phelps-Roper screamed over everybody, repeating her rehearsed dogma, while avoiding actually answering any questions.

“Nathum 1:2, ‘The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful.'” Said Phelps-Roper, a self-righteous smile on her face and a chorus of Westboro children chanting Jesus-Lovers Will Burn In Gay Hell behind her. “When judgement day comes, God is certainly not going to ‘turn the other cheek.'”

On July 4th, Independence Day, the Westboro Baptist Church are preparing a picket of the annual fireworks show at the White House in Washington, D.C., prepared to show the world their new chosen path against Jesus and His followers.

“Just because [Fred Phelps] has passed on doesn’t mean we will stop spreading the Gospel,” Phelps-Roper insisted. “We are hand-chosen by God to deliver this message. You have the choice to listen and repent, or perish and burn for an eternity in Hell.”

Police Officer Suspended After Putting 3-Year-Old Toddler In Handcuffs

Posted on June 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

COVINGTON, Louisiana –

A veteran police officer has been suspended from duty this week after allegations that he handcuffed a 3-year-old toddler and put him in the back of a police car because he was “annoyed” with the child’s actions when responding to a domestic disturbance call at the home of the child’s mother.

Jennifer Goldsmith says that when officer Mark Deville showed up at her house after she called for police assistance, he immediately scolded her crying son, Joey, telling him to “shut the fuck up.” When Joey wouldn’t stop fussing, Deville allegedly handcuffed the child behind his back, picked him up, and brought him to his police cruiser.

Joey was left in the car for only about 10 minutes before Deville let him out, but Goldsmith says that her son was just upset because of a fight she had with her husband, Joseph Sr., and that he was scared because there was lots of yelling. According to police reports, the couple had physically hit each other several times, and had thrown pieces of furniture and empty liquor bottles across the room. Their young child was in the room the entire time.

“My husband and I may have been having some problems that upset my son, but that doesn’t excuse the actions that Officer Deville, or Officer Devil as we call him, took with my son,” Said Goldsmith. “He should be ashamed of himself for berating a small child, and treating him like a criminal. We are planning to sue the asses off him and the entire police department. No one handcuffs my child or tells him to ‘shut the fuck up’ except for me or his father.”

After the story broke in a local newspaper, The Covington Herald, on Wednesday of this week, police chief Michael Horgan immediately suspended Deville while they look to investigate his actions.

“Officer Deville is a decorated marine, who has been on our police force for over two decades,” Said Chief Horgan. “He’s only had 6 or 7 complaints of brutality in that time period, and only 2 other suspensions for complaints against him, which is the fewest of any of the officers under my command. I will be investigating the matter personally, but I can tell you right now that even if [Mark] did handcuff the kid, the boy probably deserved it. Kids are a real pain in the ass sometimes, ya know?”

“Some kids, they just need a stern hand,” Said Deville when questioned about the incident. “Obviously his parents couldn’t handle him, so yeah, I put him in my cruiser. I didn’t use the zipties on him or anything for crying out loud. I just used regular old fashioned handcuffs, and the kid slipped out of them in about two seconds because he has tiny toddler wrists. That’s the reason I ended up bringing him to my car. Incidentally, he stopped crying while he was out there. Probably because he didn’t have to look at his mom’s bitch face anymore.”

Both parents were arrested for domestic battery that evening, and their son spent the night with his grandmother.

Representatives at the Policemen’s Benevolent Association, the union that represents Deville, had no comment on the case. Deville himself is scheduled to appear before the policeman’s board on Monday to explain and defend his actions.

North Korea Plans Missile Attack On U.S. Over Seth Rogen Comedy

Posted on June 26, 2014 by Rab

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Funnyman and film writer Seth Rogen has teamed up again with actor James Franco to make a comedy film that is pretty topical in the present day. The movie, “The Interview,” pits Franco and Rogen as journalists who have one mission: to assassinate Kim Jung Un. Unfortunately, Kim Jong-un is not taking the situation lightly.

“This movie is obviously satire.” Rogen states, laughing hysterically. “But Kim, he wants to literally attack the country if we release it. He wants us dead. The fact that this crazy dude believes that we want to kill him is absolutely hilarious, and just proves how off his rocker this dude is.”

Franco was less surprised by Jong-un’s reaction.

“Yo, this dude runs a country where every man has to have the same haircut as he does.” Said Franco. “He runs a country where there is a housing unit that has over five hundred houses in it, fully powered and livable, and it sits completely empty, just so that from the sky and the nearby roads the city looks nice, not like a third world [expletive]-hole. Who better to be rid of on this planet but this guy? I mean, I’m just an actor, author, director, producer, artist, and model – I am not qualified to do it for real. But in a movie, who better to assassinate a world leader than me and Seth?”

North Korean leaders have seen the trailer for this film, and are not impressed. Representatives for Kim Jong-un are reportedly so angered, they have called the movie “an act of war.” According to government officials, US drones have picked up images of North Korea readying missiles, in anticipation of the studio not permanently shelving the film.

“These weapons of mass destruction could devastate California, you know, if they can reach it this time.” Says secretary of defense Chuck Hagel. “In all seriousness, yes – we’re talking war here. but I can assure all fans of Rogen and Franco’s films that the US government has no plans of forcing Columbia or Sony Pictures to not release this film. It looks quite hilarious actually. We’ll deal with the repercussions later, like we always do.”

Rogen, who was too high to really understand the threat, said he isn’t concerned about real retaliation.

“I mean honestly, how serious is Kim, anyway? Those South Park guys, they made Team America which mocked the hell out of North Korea, and the world didn’t end then, did it?” Rogen said. “At most, they’re just going to ban the movie in North Korea, and who cares? We don’t exactly make bank there anyway.”

The US Defense department has said that there is no reason to worry, and more than likely North Korea is just engaging in a metaphorical “dick-wagging” contest.

“Their missiles are garbage anyway.” Said Hagel. “If they want to start a war over a movie, we’ll wipe them off the map. They might have some pretty big guns, but our guns are bigger. USA! USA!”