Source of Kanye West’s Talent Discovered

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper and producer Kayne West says he did not realize it until recently, but his music did not get “good” until after a car accident that caused him to suffer a mild traumatic brain injury. In 2002, Kayne’s music was still relatively unpopular, when he was cut off in traffic, causing him to crash his rented Lexus into a fence.

Kayne says he thanks God for that night every waking day of his life. “God works in mysterious ways. My jaw was wired shut, which gave me a chance to shut up for a minute and hear what He was trying to tell me; and what He was trying to tell me is that I’m a God among men, and I should show the world how talented I am through new music, no matter how bad or retarded it may sound.”

The effects of the traumatic brain injury can clearly be heard in his subsequent tracks. Former friend Whoo Kid says, “Yeah he sounded a little slow, but people kept kissing his ass anyway, saying how brave he was. Boy got even cockier after that crash man. He still sounds a little slow, but that’s just part of his sound now.”

Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

Robert Fratta Kills Himself 12 Years Into Life Sentence; Note Blames Taunting From Inmates

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Fratta, the sexual deviant who made headlines for killing his wife back in 1994, has reportedly killed himself in prison. The suicide note says other prisoners, who had heard the details of his case, would not stop pinning him down and defecating on his chest. Fratta also denied the allegations that he had ever liked it, saying he “never had asked his former wife to do something so disgusting, either.”

Bob Fratta was convicted of hiring Joseph Prystash and Howard Guidry to kill his wife, Farrah Fratta, who was shot twice in the head with a .38 caliber pistol outside her home. The killing occurred during the course of a custody battle between the victim and her husband. In the custody papers, Farah cites Bob Fratta’s sexual perversions as one of the reasons for divorce.

Bob Fratta reportedly had been going to the prison chapel frequently, asking forgiveness for his sins in the months prior to hanging himself in his jail cell. Prison officials say there were no reports of the alleged assaults on the prisoner.

Waitress Fired For Throwing Coke In Man’s Face; Man Claims He’s Blinded From Assault

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Iowa –

Former Ruby Tuesday waitress Cassandra Stephenson says she should not have been terminated after dumping a glass of Coca-Cola on a patron. Bobby Gagne says he plans to sue the restaurant chain, as he now says he’s lost sight in both eyes from the sugary drink.

Stephenson admits telling other servers Gagne had annoyed her, but says she did not mean to dump the drink onto him. “He asked for a Pepsi, and I said, ‘We have Coke – is that ok?’ He sighed, like it was the biggest inconvenience of his life or something. I hate people like that. I didn’t do it on purpose though. It just slipped!”

Gagne says Stephenson gave him a meaningful look before dumping the coke. “She said ‘Here’s your Coke,’ sort of sarcastically, and I thought, ‘this bitch isn’t getting a tip.’ I wasn’t expecting her to dump it on me though. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been blinded by this woman. I’m suing her, the restaurant, and hell, I may even sue Coca-Cola because of this fiasco! How harsh is this stuff?!”

Doctors say that it would be nearly impossible to be blinded by Coca-Cola, despite its harsh chemicals and use in cleaning auto parts and rust from metal. Lawyers for Stephenson protest that Gagne is a “serial asshole” who has sued more than 200 people or establishments in his lifetime.

Man Assaults Nephew With 12 Point Buck Trophy

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

Brad Reed learned the hard way not horse around in the house after knocking his uncle, Jacob Reed’s, prize buck head off the wall. Brad and friend Kenny Williams were fighting for a video game controller when Brad knocked Williams into the deer head. Brian says he “didn’t know what to do with it,” so they set it on the couch and fled.

Brad returned alone later, and found his uncle was waiting for him. “I could tell he was drunk the way he was petting the deer and talking to it,” says Brad. “I told him we tried to put it back together but needed superglue.”

Jacob Reed then allegedly threatened his nephew with the detached antler, demanding Brad bend over and take it in the behind. When the boy refused, Jacob beat him with the antler.

Brad’s mother Shirley Reed says they will not press charges. “Well, the boy got what he deserved, but I for one am glad I don’t have to look at that damn deer head anymore. Only supposed to be hanging on our wall till Jacob found a place of his own. Well it’s been three years, and he’s still on our Goddamn couch.”

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

Man Arrested After Stealing Money From Step-Daughter’s Piggy Bank

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSBAD, California –

Charlotte Melcher, age 7, called 911 all by herself to report that her stepfather, Drew Ellis, had stolen her money. Ellis admitted to police he had taken ten one dollar bills from the piggy bank to buy beer and cigarettes.

On the 911 call Charlotte says, “That was my money. Mine! I earned it doing chores and from Christmas. I told him not to take it!”

Police in Carlsbad did not take the offense lightly, charging Ellis with petty larceny after he admitted taking the money.

Mother Sierra Melcher says she thinks the arrest was unfounded and says Ellis would have replaced the money when he got paid. “I told Charlotte not to worry about it. I didn’t know she would call 911. Of course I don’t dare to spank her for doing it. Not now that I know she knows how to call the police. Next thing I know I’d be the one getting arrested.”

Ellis could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Joe Wickersham, says he is confident the case will be dismissed. The district attorney says that he is pushing for the maximum of 2 years in prison for the crime.