Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.

Taco Bell To No Longer Allow Trump Supporters In Their Restaurants

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

IRVINE, California –

Taco Bell, a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, has announced today that they will no longer be allowing Trump supporters into their restaurants, based on vile hate speech that the candidate has made about Mexican immigrants.

“Taco Bell does not support hate against anyone, of any nationality, and we cannot continue to allow people who agree with such people and such views, into our establishments,” said Taco Bell spokesman Joel Silver. “Signs have been posted at each location, including franchise locations, to let people who support Trump know that they are not welcome.”

Silver says that the company has received almost nothing but support after making the announcement this morning via social media.

“There are plenty of people who support Trump, and that’s depressing,” said Silver. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow that kind of people to eat in our restaurants. Our food is a staple of Mexican-American cuisine, and to talk badly about the people who make and have created our foods is not something we support.”

Signs posted in the stores indicate that Taco Bell “stands with their fellow Mexican restaurants.”

Purina To Release Dog Food Made With Cat Meat

Posted on March 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

Purina Brand Dog Food has announced today that they plan on releasing a new line of wet dog food that will be predominantly made of cat meats. The company, one of the largest pet food companies in the world, said that the new line is “exactly what dogs want.”

“It’s no secret that dogs and cats are natural enemies, and dogs love the taste of kitty flesh,” said Purina spokesman Ryan Shepherd. “We have made a deal with the FDA to allow the importation of cats from around the world. The animals will be euthanized safely and will be made sure to be free of diseases. Dogs will love this new product.”

According to Shepherd, the new Purina line of dog chow will be called Kitty Bits, and will also feature other mixed in meats, such as tuna and beef.

Hulk Hogan To Buy Majority Share of WWE With Gawker Settlement

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hulk Hogan announced this morning that he plans to take the $115 million dollar settlement he is set to receive from his lawsuit against garbage-posting website Gawker to purchase a majority share of stock in his former employer Vince McMahon’s company WWE.

“I’ve been a millionaire for many years, but I’ve never been that much of a millionaire,” said Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea. “I do own some stock in the company. I bought about $2,000 worth when it first went public. With this settlement, though, I can finally become majority owner.”

Although Vince McMahon had originally been set with 51% ownership, he was forced to sell some of his stock and ownership in the last few years as the company has taken a downturn, leaving him with only 48% ownership in the company. The rest is on the public market.

“I will be able to afford to buy 51% of the company with this settlement, and when I do, there will be some massive changes made to the company,” said Hogan. “I cannot wait to drop the leg on the WWE once more, but this time, it will be my place to do with as I wish. It will be like the NWO days all over again, brother.”

GEICO Gecko Killed After Being Run Over By Car Insured By Farmers

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The famous GEICO Gecko, which most people assumed was a CGI character, was killed yesterday after being run over in a film studio parking lot, ironically by a car insured by Farmer’s Insurance.

The gecko, which has been the spokesperson for the company for several years, was actually a combination of CGI and a real animal, according to GEICO. They would use a real gecko, film it, and add CGI and a voiceover to make it appear as if he was talking. Whereas many productions use several animals to get the shots they need, GEICO says they were able to use just one gecko, whose name was Alfred.

“Alfred is a longtime friend of the company, and he worked very hard to save people money in only 15 minutes time,” said GEICO chairman Joel Iger. “His death is a sad day for us at GEICO, and for the entire world who loved him.”

Iger says that a new animal trainer that they had hired to work with Alfred had “lost track” of the animal, and he was later found outside, run over by a Jaguar.

“I never even saw him, I swear to God!” said Richard Hall, who was driving the vehicle. “I never thought I would kill a beloved icon today, and my heart is shattered. I loved his commercials. On the plus side, it could have been worse. I mean, I have Farmers. I could have hit and killed JK Simmons, you know?”

Match.Com To Being Pairing Couples Based On Their Kinky Sexual Fetishes

Posted on March 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Everyone has seen the new ads for Match.com, with the creepy, awkward man talking to singles on the street about why they should sign up, and pay for, a service that will match them with their future spouse. Now those ads may get a lot kinkier, as the company announced today that a new, big part of their matching service will be based on sexual kinks.

“If you liked getting spanked and need a new daddy to do it, we want to know it, but we’ll find you that daddy,” said Match.com owner Barry Diller. “If you’re a fan of watersports and getting peed on, then we can help you with that, too.”

“There are tons of parts of being in a loving, and compatible, relationship, and we used to always focus more on the mood and romantic side,” said Match.com web designer Miles Roger. “What we’ve decided to do is to change our entire website when it comes to matching, because although people want to be matched with someone that will send them flowers or chocolates, they also want to be matched with the guy whose going to fulfill their rape fantasy or get freaky on a webcam with them.”

Match says that their new website, which will feature a “slew” of new questions for members to fill out, will launch in June.

FDA Bans Blue Dye No. 1 After Discovering It Causes Cancer

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The FDA has announced blue dye No. 1 will be phased out of US markets by the end of 2018. The popular dye is used to color everything from blue M&Ms to Listerine.

The dye is a byproduct of coal, and is referred to as a “brilliant blue.” Typical of modern dyes, blue number 1 was originally derived from coal tar, although most manufacturers now make it from an oil base. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) and other advocacy organizations have long argued that these and other artificial colorings may be linked to attention deficit disorder, and now the dye has been determined to be carcinogenic.

“We have decided that it is best to ban blue dye No. 1 from all consumer products,” said FDA spokesman Bill Hicks. “At this time, though, it is only linked to mild cancers, like finger cancer or maybe toe cancer, so it’s not going to be removed from market immediately. We are allowing ample time for manufacturers to use the dye they may have already purchased before working on new ways to dye their products.”

Angry Mob Burns Down Denny’s Restaurant After Finding It Closed

Posted on February 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Denny’s Resturants, it’s that they’re always open, and that their food always gives you the blow shits.

One group of people who were hungry for a late night meal were enraged to find that their local restaurant was closed last Tuesday evening, and instead of finding a new place to eat, opted to burn the place to the ground.

“Denny’s is supposed to always be open, and it was bullshit that they weren’t!” said Jordan Scott, 20. “We drove 40 minutes, which is like 3 days of driving when you’re as high as we were, and when we got there, they weren’t even open. What the fuck is that? Denny’s doesn’t close! We were pissed.”

According to police, Scott and four of his friends arrived at a Denny’s location in Bangor, Maine at around 3am Tuesday morning, and when they found that it was closed for cleaning, they set the building on fire.

“Thankfully, the employees inside working were able to make it out unharmed,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately for the arsonists, the Denny’s they burned down was directly across the street from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and that place was open. It was also filled with police officers.”

The group of delinquents were arrested, and charged with arson. The group say, though, that they plan to sue Denny’s for false advertising, and will use the money won to pay their own court costs.

Leak Of 2016 Oscar Winners Hits Internet Only Hours Before Event

Posted on February 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The 2016 Oscar ceremony, hosted by Chris Rock, is only hours away, but you don’t even have to sit through the 4-hour long rambling this year to find out if Leo Dicaprio is taking home the gold (spoiler alert: he is!) In an extremely unprecedented breach of security, the list of winners – which is safeguarded by Price-Waterhouse – was leaked to the internet late Saturday evening.

“This is truly and utterly devastating,” said Price-Waterhouse chairman Jon Mitchell. “For over 50 years, we have been able to keep a lid on the names of the winners until the moment that the envelope opens on stage. We have no idea how the winners were leaked, and we are working diligently to find the source.”

ABC, the channel who airs the Oscar telecast, said they are “extremely upset” by the leak, as it means much lower ratings than normal. Couple the leak with a year where the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag was causing many to boycott the event, and it seems that there may be a lot fewer people both showing up, and tuning into, the event on Sunday evening.

“It’s disappointing, really, and we are scrambling to make sure that the show goes on, and goes off, without a hitch,” said Chris Rock, host. “I’ll still be out there, doing my thing, but it’s a shame, really, that the anticipation of the night is gone.”

Interested to see who will be taking home a trophy tonight?
CLICK TO SEE LIST 2016 OSCAR WINNERS

Couple Find Child’s Thumb In Wendy’s Chili

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOBY, South Dakota –

A South Dakota couple have allegedly discovered a child’s thumb in their Wendy’s chili. The finders, Mark and Julie Kavner, both 30, say that they ordered the same thing they’ve ordered every time they’ve eaten at Wendy’s – a small french fry, two bacon cheeseburger deluxe sandwiches, and a chili. This time, though, they discovered something extra.

“We were half way through the chili, and we discovered a child’s thumb near the bottom of the container. I started vomiting immediately,” said Julie Kavner. “It was the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me, and I used to work for my family’s septic and sewage company.”

Wendy’s spokesman Gerald Hawkins says that it’s “completely impossible” that there could ever be any digits found in the chili, because the food is made fresh on-site in each restaurant, and that the chain does not employ minor children.

“We strive for excellence every day in all of our locations,” said Hawkins. “We have been accused of this sort of thing before, but it was proven then that it was a hoax. We will prove it again using our internal restaurant investigators.”

The Kavners were advised by their attorney to make no statements about any planned lawsuits.