Food Study Shows Papa John’s Pizza Crust, Boxes Have Identical Ingredients

Posted on January 28, 2015 by JP

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Papa John’s is known for its fast, cheap, and convenient pizza, and it’s obnoxious commercials that always prominently feature owner and founder John Schnatter. The company has been all over the media in recent years, facing controversy over poor wages and their stance on healthcare for employees.

Although the media scrutiny has worn off in the last several months, it looks as though it’s set to rise again. After a recent food study, performed by world-renowned doctors and scientists, it was discovered that Papa John’s pizza and take-out boxes are made from the same ingredients.

During a test on their sauces, cheese, and dough, scientists found that the company has been cutting corners by using recycled pizza boxes as a base for their product. The scientists were initially hired by Papa John’s, working with the company to help create a new pizza dough recipe.

Dr. Tom Matosaus claims that when bringing up the problem to CEO John Schnatter, he denied all claims. “He’s in some serious denial, I tell you. He went on and on about how their company had the best pizza crust in the entire nation, and if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be worth over half a billion dollars. He talked a lot about money, actually. Way more than he talked about pizza.”

“To be honest, it’s not going to hurt you to eat their pizza,” said scientist Dr. Moe Zarella. “Just because the founder is a little on the annoying side, and just because their pizza is made out of the same things as their carryout boxes, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good slice once in awhile!”

Neither Schnatter nor any company representatives have yet to comment on the controversy, but they are urging customers to try their new pizza deal.

“Only 11.99 for a large specialty pizza, delivered right to your door!” said Schnatter. “Ignore the naysayers. You love our pizza. Just listen to your Papa. Mmmm, it’s delicious!”

Walmart Sells To Chinese Investment Group For Over $500B

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Sam Walton founded Walmart on July 2, 1952 after working for retail giant J.C. Penny for several years. Walton died in 1992 of bone cancer just as his franchise had become one of the biggest in the entire world, however the company would remain in the family the entire time. Today, though, it was announced that the company is being sold to a group of Chinese investors, the Chine Investment Group, better known as CIG.

CIG, led by CEO and president of financial operations, Bao Chang, purchased Walmart from the wealthy Walton family for a world record $535 billion USD. The deal also includes Sam’s Club, Walmart Express, although Walmart International currently, and curiously, remains off the deal.

In an early morning press conference, including both Chang and S. Robson Walton, Chang announced that the store would remain just as it has for several years, with the exception of a name change.

“It is with great honor that we purchase and take over this great franchise establishment, the service to customers worldwide will remain just as dependable,” Chang said. “We will be changing the name of the legendary store to ‘China-Direct’, being that most products sold in the store are, indeed, made in China. This is a great day for the country of China, as well as the shoppers of the United States.”

Today there are over 11,000 Walmart stores located throughout 27 countries, with the number growing every year since the company was founded. Chang insists that the name change will not affect those who shop at the store, though.

“Everyone knows that China makes a great product. If anything, the name change will generate more respect for the company, therefore making it more successful. When people shop, they want to see that little sticker that says ‘Made in China’ and nothing will be sold in our stores which isn’t made in China. We must give the people, especially the American people, the product they truly wish for and deserve.”

Major Grocery Store Chains Recalling All Milk; Dairy Companies Charged With Using Milk From Rodents

Posted on January 25, 2015 by JP

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Get ready for a drastic shortage in milk through the country. It was announced today by the Calcium Benefits Coalition that most milk will be pulled from grocery stores all over America, after recent testing has confirmed that several major milk manufacturers have been caught cutting their milk with the milk of female rats.

The horrifying news hit the internet after a routine health inspection at a very well-known dairy factory. An inspector reported he found a door that the company claimed was an empty closet, but once he finally got inside he couldn’t believe what he found.

“Inside was a milking ground of up to 1,000 female rats, chipmunks, and ferrets. They were all very pregnant, and they had tiny little milking devices strapped to their tiny little teats,” said the anonymous health inspector. “The company, which the CBC and the US Department of Health are refusing to identify at this time, claimed they were just ‘running tests’ on the benefits of the rat milk. A bovine milk-purity test found, though, that milk being distributed was 67% rat milk.”

Health inspectors for the USDA, the CBC, and the US Department of Health were tasked to check all other major milk distribution companies, and tests showed that almost 90% of all the major dairy companies in the United States have been infusing their regular cow milk with rodent milk.

For now, a recall is in effect for milk, but other dairy products will still be shipped and sold. Pretentious vegans across the country are calling this a “huge win” for their side, and yet one more reason that people should stay away from animal products.

Risk Of Exploding Gas Tanks In Vehicles Prompts Biggest Product Safety Recall In History

Posted on January 23, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOKYO, Japan –

The World Automobile And Motor Corporation is requesting that all users of social media share and relay its message regarding a massive recall on all cars that run on unleaded gasoline. The announcement is the biggest product safety recall in history, as it has issued a statement warning that almost all models of cars are equipped with malfunctioning gas tanks, which could cause dangerous explosions if ignored.

WAMC spokesperson Yoshida Kakaruda said in a statement that the issue concerns a weakening rubber valve in the fuel delivery compartment of all gas tanks.

“Due to several fiery incidents, we at the World Automobile and Motor Corporation are issuing a recall on all makes and models of vehicles that run on unleaded gasoline,” Kakaruda said.

Just last week, a 2004 Toyota Camry owned by Abdul Muhammad, 32, of Waco, Texas exploded in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven, causing the death of Muhammad and a passenger, and causing extensive damage to the convenience store itself. Rahim Duhfur, 45, owner of the impacted 7-Eleven, said in a television interview that he feared for his life when the explosion occurred. “I believe Allah, he come for me, to take me home to, how you say, big palace in the sky. I feel fear of Allah when things go boom,” Duhfur commented.

Spokesperson Kakaruda made it a point to ask all users of social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, to assist in relaying the urgent recall notice. “We ask all Americans to spread the word, and to share via social media and also all media outlets. There are millions of vehicles in use in North America alone. We request that all individuals who own a vehicle please call our safety and recall telephone number, (318) 947-9586. A representative will assist you, and let you know where your automobile can be taken for a free repair” Kakaruda said.

The provided number, (318) 947-9586, is the WAMC Safety and Recall Information hotline, and is based in the United States.

New England Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski To Release Own Line of Erotic Novels, Vodka

Posted on January 22, 2015 by Ryan N

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

With Rob Gronkowski having his own brand of literary erotica hitting the shelves in 2015, Gronkowski’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus, has been talking with many companies to see what else his client might be best to endorse.

“We are just scratching the surface on the marketability of Rob Gronkowski,” said Rosenhaus. “As he is larger-than-life on the gridiron, we know that he can be larger-than-life in your home, and on your store shelves.”

Speaking on his own behalf, Gronkowski outlined his new product lines outlining all of his favorite products.

“Day by day I am working hard on the field, but I need to prepare to party-rock off the field, as well. With the help of Drew, my Mom and Dad, and Bibi Jones, I’ve come up with my own line of goods for all of my biggest fans,” said Gronkowski during a recent press conference. “For example, I know that I’m not the only one that likes to work out and get big, so for all my fans who work out, we have developed Gronky Way ‘Chocolate’ Bars. They contain only whey protein, which has been spray painted brown to resemble candy. It’s what every gym rat will ever need.”

Gronkowski says that he and Rosenhaus were not able to find endorsements for existing products that they felt were “up to the Gronkowski standard,” which is why they decided to create their own line of products.

“You know I couldn’t forget about the ladies, so for those out there who need a little help staying pure, we created Rob Gronkowski Chastity Belts. This also has a double bonus for the Patriot-loving Dads too, you don’t have to worry when a ‘Gronk’ is around your daughters. I don’t recommend buying it in conjunction with my new erotica titles, though.”

Rosenhaus says that many players in all sports would “kill” to have their name on some of the products that he and Gronkowski have developed.

“We also have two household items that we are currently in production,” said Rosenhaus. “Gronk’s Own Cat Food, and Gronky Vodka will be released later this year. The cat food consists of minced fish, plus a little of that Rob Gronkowski smile to keep your cat looking good for the whole year. The vodka will come in several flavors, and is for all those party-rockers at home to have a great time with ‘Gronk’. But please, drink Gronk responsibly.”

With the expected success of Gronkowski merchandise, it’s very possible that fans could see other football-related products hitting the market as well. The Antonio Chromartie Baby Names Book, Manti Te’o’s Dating Advice Column, Adrian Peterson’s Day Care Chains, and Plaxico Burress’ Gun Safety Course are all currently in the works.

The planned cover to the first book in the Gronkowsi Erotica Series

Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Let the battle for the heavenly kingdom begin! In a surprisingly anti-politically correct move, Hasbro has announced that they are going to begin selling Jesus and Muhammad action figures. The company says Jesus will have come in a play-set with 12 disciples, while Muhammad will come with his 9 wives.

“We’re pretty excited and nervous at the same time,” said Hasbro CEO Charles Cummings. “We’re excited for the new product line, and because kids all over the world will be battling for heavenly victory. Jesus and Muhammad will both come with Kung-Fu grip, and there will also be plenty of accessories including, tanks, fighter planes…plus AR15’s for the disciples and AK47’s for Muhammad’s wives.”

“We’re a bit nervous about the product line, because we know it’s going offend people. We have really beefed up security at our Pawtucket headquarters. We know that having only Jesus and Muhammad represented is discriminatory. If the product line does well, we do plan on expanding the line to include Buddha and whatever the hell it is that atheists worship.”

“It’s a rip off. Total junk – they’re just revamping GI Joe and Cobra Commander dolls,” said Carmine Classi, vintage toy collector. “I will get them, of course, when they go on sale. I’ll buy online, though, for sure. I wouldn’t feel safe going into a store that has the balls to put them on the shelves. No one is selling them yet, and that just makes me want them more.”

“So far, we can’t find anyone to sell them,” said Hasbro Marketing Executive Phil Phillips. “We really didn’t foresee this problem. Funny thing though – as it turns out, the Muslims are cool about it. Pictures of Muhammad are not cool, but action figures, I guess that’s alright. This time, it’s the religious right making all the noise to have the toys pulled. It must be the Jesus doll’s superpower of being able to turn water into grenades that’s getting them mad.”

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants 9-Year-Old’s Wish To Direct Porno Film

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

AKRON, Ohio –

The parents of a 9-year-old boy have filed a lawsuit against the ‘Make A Wish’ Foundation, claiming that the charity let their son direct a pornographic film.

“My son Joey’s wish was not to direct a porno film,” said Lisa Stevens. ”He’s only 9, for God’s sake. He doesn’t even know what a porno is. Michael Bay is his idol, and he wanted to help direct a Michael Bay film. He wanted to direct Transformers 5, not Transgenders 5. They’re telling me it was a mix up, but there’s no way they’re that stupid. This is an outrage!”

“The Make-A-Wish Foundation grants wishes, it’s what we do. We do our best to get the wish as close as possible, but some are harder than others. The truth is, Michael Bay is a busy man, and Transformers 5 isn’t even being made yet. The kid wanted to be a director, so we got him on a set to direct for a day,” says Make-A-Wish spokesperson Will Watson. “I want to make it clear that Joey did not see anything inappropriate. We had him direct the pizza delivery scene. You know, the one where the customer ‘didn’t have enough money to pay?’ It’s in every adult movie. Joey didn’t see anything bad, and he seemed happy to be directing. We really don’t know what the big deal is.”

“I wish my Mom wasn’t so mad,” said Joey. ”I had so much fun directing! I mean, it kinda stunk there were no robots, but everyone was really nice on the set. I learned a lot about directing, plus I learned how to get a pizza for free! The best part is, they said the one scene I filmed will be in thousands of movies. Forget Michael Bay, I want to be the next Max Hardcore!”

Nevada To Abolish Mandatory STD Testing For Women In Legalized Brothels

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

The Nevada legislature earlier this week removed mandatory STD testing for legalized brothels from the state’s law books. Legislators from both parties agreed there was a “better use” for the money that the state has been providing for medical care for prostitutes.

“The term ‘buyer beware’ comes to mind,” said State Legislator Brian Bowser. “The state has been wasting millions a year on STD testing. It’s high time that we let the free market pay for it – brothels with the clean whores will get the most business. If you’re visiting a brothel, wear a condom for God’s sake, they give them out for free. My father once told me ‘Always assume a whore is a filthy whore.’ My father was a wise man.”

“Well, I’m not a filthy whore,” said Jenny Juggs, employee at the Clydesdale Ranch. “I shower at least 25 times a day. I shower after each client, and I get primped back up. Unless it was just a blowjob, then I just gargle with whiskey.”

“This means whores with STDs will be working at brothels, that’s great!” said Clydesdale Ranch regular Charlie Hutch. “I’m tired of paying full price for so-called ‘clean’ whores; Give me a half-price diseased one any day. I figure there’s nothing left out there for me to catch anyway, believe me, once you start seeing prostitutes, legal or not, there’s not much out there you don’t have. I’ve got all those STD’s already.”

“This is outrageous! I’ve been pushing for Nevada to outlaw prostitution for years,” said Pimp Big Willie. “Legalized prostitution cuts into my business. The girls that failed state STD tests become my best street walkers. Now where the hell am I going to get my bitches? This is bullshit.”

Pabst Brewing Company Announces Shut Down, Sale To Anheuser-Busch

Posted on January 13, 2015 by DesireeAmber

LOS ANGELES, California –

The premium lager brewing company Pabst, best know for their Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, announced this morning that after 170 years in business, the company would be closing their factories, and selling their assets to Anheuser-Busch.

Since 1844, Pabst Brewing Company has been providing people their delightful medium bodied American style lager, and many beer lovers are saddened and confused by the sudden announcement.

“It has been a couple years since I’ve had a Pabst Blue Ribbon, but I never though they’d go anywhere, either,” said Marriott College senior Joe Goldsmith. “I guess I should lay off the good beer for a bit, and get some PBR before it’s gone forever.”

“After 170 years of beer business, the name and its associations have far exceeded what anyone ever would have expected it to, but times have changed dramatically,” said brew master Aaron Silver. “We honestly thought that this new hipster movement thing would really help boost sales, because hipsters seem to enjoy horrible beers. We were huge in the 70s and 80s, thanks to college drinking taking a massive spike after movies like Animal House came out. Now, though, college kids aren’t binge drinking as often, and when they are, they’re choosing higher-end beers and liquor. We can’t compete with the Sam Adams and Guinesses of the world, and our sales are proof that even legacy can die.”

Anheuser-Busch is said to be acquiring Pabst for only about $62,000, plus 43 cases of Bud Light. The company says that they were initially hoping to continue releasing PBR in its traditional can and original recipe, but licensing issues are forcing changes. Instead, plans to develop what they are calling Pabst Turquoise Ribbon are currently underway, and the new beer should begin hitting shelves next fall.

Ben & Jerry’s Releases New Ice Cream Names, Flavors For 2015

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERBURY, Vermont –

It was just a few months ago that ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s, based in Vermont, had come under a media firestorm for their flavor called ‘Hazed & Confused,’ a hazelnut ice cream with a name referencing the popular 90s film Dazed and Confused.

Although the company clearly meant no harm in the naming, several people pointed out that the name could be seen as promoting ‘hazing’ in schools, and asked for its renaming or removal from stores.

Ben & Jerry’s, which is owned by Unilever, said that instead of changing the name of that ice cream to something else, they would keep it as ‘Hazed and Confused,’ and not give in to detractors. Just this week, they announced more new flavors headed to market very soon.

“We have a history of coming up with fun, creative, and delicious ice creams,” said Stuart Gould, a longtime employee of the company who helps create new flavors. “Sometimes they’re controversial, like ‘Shweddy Balls,’ the Saturday Night Live ice cream. That time, we did change the name. But others, like ‘Americone Dream’ or ‘Phish Food’, those are classics that everyone loves.”

Gould says that because of the controversy surrounding several of their flavors over the years, they have decided to create new flavors, and that they hoped that anyone who was turned off by their ice cream before over naming issues would be sure to buy a pint or two.

“We’re calling the flavor ‘Go Fudge Yourself,’ and it’s so tasty! It’s chocolate ice cream with chocolate walnut brownie and fudge pieces, with a caramel and fudge swirl. We hope that it really gets the point across about how much we don’t give a fudge about negative opinion.”

The company says that ‘Go Fudge Yourself’ will be available starting in February. Other flavors in the line will include ‘Eat Deez Nuts,’ a vanilla flavored ice cream with peanuts and almonds, and another simply titled ‘Non-offensive Pun You’ll No Doubt Bitch About,’ which is a pistachio ice cream with vanilla bean swirl and chocolate-covered coffee beans.