Pharmaceutical Companies Partner With Big-Tobacco, Create E-Cigarette To Treat Depression

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It appears Big-Pharma has gotten into bed with Big-Tobacco, as plans emerge for a new line of prescription only, non-nicotine e-cigarettes. Instead of popping Prozac pills with their morning coffee, depression and anxiety sufferers may be able to choose an antidepressant that works like an e-cigarette.

Denise Richards, of the manufacturer E-Relax, explains the benefits. “The water vapor delivery system helps satisfy oral-fixation, while delivering low doses of medicine that you can control. Stressful meeting at work? Puff some relief at your desk,” she said. “Both our companies are big supporters of the Health Care Act. Americans are unhappy, but now they’re insured!”

When asked why their prescription drug company would partner with a tobacco company, she replied, “Well, they’ve been pushing legal drugs forever now. They know how to acquire a loyal lifelong customer.”

A representative for Phillip-Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products, said that things are taking a turn for the worse in the world of cigarettes, and that they needed to be prepared.

“As a company, we have to face the fact that tobacco is going to be illegal someday. They’re legalizing weed in all these states all the time, and our lousy tobacco cigarettes can’t hold a candle to smoking a marijuana cigarette,” said Jim Rogers, cigarette lobbyist. “People are switching in droves. Obviously, our brand is dying. We can’t advertise on TV or radio anymore. Next will be magazines, I’m sure. Hell, We can’t even sell to children anymore!”

“Plus, we were never able to get into the safe cigarette market, since making a ‘safe alternative’ would be admitting cigarettes were harmful,” said Peter Jacobs, a health expert working for Phillip-Morris. “We had to protect our own asses. We once tried making a nicotine-free version of a cigarette, but seriously, that’s like decaf coffee – people will still drink it, but why’s the point?”

“Slinging antidepressants will allow us to break into that juicy, angsty-teen market,” explained Rogers. “Now they can look cool while taking their medicine. We eventually hope to expand the line to include ADHD medication, which we know would make us a boatload of cash with the kids.”

79-year-old Myles Martin says, “I love the idea. I used to be a smoker, and I miss it sometimes. I need my depression meds, but now I can just smoke it, and relive my glory days. I hope they make it for my E.D., next. There’s nothin’ sexy about poppin’ my little blue pill in the same manner as my blood thinner, but every woman will be turned on if I’m taking puffs off an e-cig.”

Urban Outfitters Stores Begins Carrying T-Shirts Branded With ISIS Terrorist Group Logo

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Abe Abrams

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

Urban Outfitters, know for its hipster, bohemian, and bizarre merchandise has created controversy once again, this time partnering with ISIS to sell military style shirts with the ISIS logo. The shirts are in stores now and sales have been surprisingly positive.

”We are proud to be partnered with ISIS. I support ISIS’ decision to earn money for their cause legally, although we can’t raise them more money than their illegal oil sales, illegal collection of taxes, or even their kidnapping campaigns have, starting a clothing line is a good start towards redemption, in my book,” said Richard Hayes, founder of Urban Outfitters. “I would like to add that we don’t necessarily support all of ISIS’ endeavors, but we do support them in reaching their goals and following their dreams.

Hayes said that just because the militant, terrorist group has a dark past, and a dark present, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t look forward to a bright future.

“Here at Urban Outfitters, we have always prided ourselves to bring the public a compelling and distinct way to prove they are a little cooler and a little different from everybody else,” said Hayes. “With my help, I hope to see the ISIS brand on everything from refrigerator magnets to jeans, because if it’s cool and edgy, it belongs in Urban Outfitters.”

“I don’t see the big deal, it’s a cool shirt and that logo is off the hook,” said 15-year-old Urban Outfitters shopper, Jason Swarr. ”The logo has guns on it and stuff, and that’s badass. I don’t really know what ISIS is, but if Outfitters sells it, it’s gotta be cool, and I don’t want to be the only kid not supporting ISIS. The key to fitting in is to liking what everybody else likes, that’s why I shop at Urban Outfitters and that’s why I pledge my support to ISIS and their cool logo.”

World Famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree In NYC Turns Out To Be Artificial

Posted on December 3, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The world-famous Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, which draws millions of tourists to New York City each year and has been featured in countless holiday films over several decades, has turned out to be a literal big phony.

Suspicions arose when the tree’s installation this year took place under the cover of darkness, with no advance public announcement. The installation of the tree is a tradition observed since the early 1930s, rivaled only by the tree’s official lighting ceremony.

Rockefeller Center officials reluctantly revealed the ruse when rumors were confirmed that the upstate New York family who donated this year’s tree had a change of heart, and decided not to cut down the 85 foot tall Norway Spruce.

“My grandfather planted that tree almost 90 years ago,” said Bruce Connor, the tree’s current owner. “He loved Christmas and after we made the decision, we couldn’t sleep,” he said. “My wife was a wreck just thinking about the tree not being there anymore.”

There was no ‘backup’ tree considered, since the honor of having one’s tree become the centerpiece of a worldwide celebration has never before been rejected. “I hope people understand, said Connor. I hope the world understands.”

Initial reaction from tourists in New York City was subdued. “I don’t care if the tree is artificial or not,” said Alice Thomas, visiting with her family from Chicago. “We came here to take in the sights, ice skate at the rink, and do some shopping. I think it looks fine, and let’s face it – who likes sweeping up all those needles? I sure wouldn’t. It’s still beautiful.”

Environmental groups praised the action, calling it a step in the right direction toward conservation. A statement released by animal rights group PETA also endorsed Rockefeller Center’s move. In part it read, “The natural habitat of many woodland creatures was spared by this action taken by Rockefeller Center. Remember, people are animals too,” read the somewhat confusing press release.

“The tree looks pretty,” said six-year-old Tracey Thomas.“ It looks like a real tree, but bigger.”

Rockefeller Center spokesperson Marcia Bibb said there is no ill will held toward the Connor family, but said in the future an alternate tree would be considered. “All’s well that ends well,” said Bibb. “The environmentalists are happy, the Connors are happy, and the visitors seem to be enjoying the season as they do every year. Happy holidays!”

JELLO Revamps Pudding Pops Line To Distance Themselves From Bill Cosby

Posted on December 3, 2014 by DvanL

NORTHFIELD, Illinois –

Kraft Foods, maker of JELLO Pudding Pops, wants to distance itself as far away as possible from entertainer Bill Cosby, whose commercials for the dessert that ‘wiggles and jiggles’ made him one of the most successful brand spokespersons of the 1980s. In recent months, Cosby has been accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women, with many institutions associated with the actor and comedian scrambling to cut all ties.

“The first step is to rebrand Pudding Pops,” says JELLO product manager Katharine Parkinson. “The shape and color of some of our Pudding Pops have taken on negative associations through no fault of our own,” she stressed. “We don’t want people to think of Bill Cosby when they put a Pudding Pop into their mouths, or the mouths of their children. Unfortunately, our chocolate Pop is too suggestive of the very acts Bill Cosby is being accused of committing. We’re protecting a wholesome, cherished treat enjoyed by millions of people around the world.”

This is not the first time a major corporation has had to repair its damaged image. In 1981, the pain reliever Tylenol had its brand nearly destroyed when a series of product tampering struck fear into consumers. The makers of Tylenol were one of the first companies to use tamper-resistant packaging, now an industry standard.

Shopper Linda Boreman, a regular consumer of Pudding Pops, thinks it’s the right move. “My kids were joking around about it, saying things like ‘I got her right in the pudding pop’ and repeating other nasty things they read on the Internet. I don’t find those jokes funny at all, and now I’m ashamed to buy the Pops. I used to be embarrassed to buy feminine products, but now I’d rather be seen with a box of tampons poking out of my basket. When they change the product so it doesn’t remind me of sucking on a little Cosby, I’ll be the first one to gobble one down.”

Retailers have the option of selling off or exchanging their existing stock for the newly designed Pops. The new packaging prominently features vanilla and strawberry flavors, and the chocolate ones have changed shape, now coming in octangular shapes on a stick.

“Nothing is octagon shaped, at least nothing dirty or overtly sexual,” said Parkinson. “Our design team has been very busy, and we’re confident that our Pops will soon be melting in the mouths of millions of consumers once again!”

Gas Prices To Top $7 Per Gallon By Spring According To U.S. Energy Information Administration

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

On Black Friday, gas prices began to drop quite drastically compared to the upward trends the country has been seeing since the mid-2000’s. While various experts insist that prices will continue to drop, what they and most United States government officials aren’t telling you is, indeed, quite frightening.

Adam Sieminski, Chief Administrator of the U.S. Energy Information Administration (EIA), announced today that it is his educated opinion after years of experience as an expert energy resource consultant, that gas prices will begin to rise very rapidly after the New Year, and continue throughout all of 2015. Sieminski says that prices of regular unleaded gasoline could very well reach $7.00 per-gallon by springtime.

“Don’t be fooled by the current production level of crude oil, which is seemingly leading the average American to believe that gas prices will continue to fall. What we have here, in my expert opinion, is the makings of a real shit-storm,” a shockingly candid Sieminski told reporter Wade Robertson from the KRAP news station in Los Angeles. “The constant disputing and clashing of political parties is to blame. They simply cannot agree as to the cost of anything. If they can’t even decide on a standard price for bubble gum, how can we entrust them to price our fuel supply?”

“The wool is being pulled over the peering eyes of the American public by the government, with all these low gas prices during the holiday season,” said Mark Rupert, an economic advisor at the EIA. “It is simply a decoy to fool the great hard-working citizens of this incredible country into spending more money than they normally would on other products because they’re finally saving on gasoline. All the while, they’re portraying the temporary illusion of a steadily improving national economy. Don’t be fooled!”

In a recent interview with CBS News, John Kingston, director of news at Platts, a provider of global energy, petrochemicals, metals, and agriculture information, said he sees no possible bad outcome of the current low gas prices. When asked if American businesses and consumers should just sit back and enjoy the ride as oil and gas prices continue to march downward, Kingston answered, “I just don’t see why they shouldn’t.”

The EIA clearly disagrees. “Gas, oil and other energies are the biggest business in the world. Of course they want you to believe everything is all fine and dandy, it should be a criminal offense to mislead the nation in this way, it is being done so that just when the average consumer gets comfortable, the shit will hit the fan, and they will be pawning the rims right off their cars just so that they can afford to put gas in them,” Sieminski concluded.

“In the end, who cares about gas prices?” said Jeb Smith, a grizzly, old gas station owner in Des Moines, Iowa. “Up, down, left, right. Gas been fluctuatin’ in price as long as I been alive. People buy the things they need, and they try and buy the things they want. It’s the nature of life, and no economy guy or science doofus is gonna tell me what I should and shouldn’t spend money on.”

FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights – You Won’t Believe What They’re Putting You Through Now!

Posted on December 2, 2014 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California –

It appears the process of getting on a plane will become even more frustrating, as the FAA have created new rules that must be followed before boarding a plane.

As of January 1st, all passengers will be required to remove their pants and be physically searched before boarding any flight in the United States. The ruling was passed after several people were still able to board planes with items that FAA lists as ‘illegal.’ It is also being noted that this is a more ‘respectable’ way of searching people without them feeling violated.

“Our security agents at airports across the country have filed numerous complaints of having to put their hands on passengers. Many passengers are tired, cranky, and some have come in from other flights and are smelly and nasty,” said FAA president Joe Goldsmith. “If removing your pants before getting on the flight eliminates the chance of our employees needing to touch you and give you a pat-down, then that’s fine by me. It’s all about the rights of the airline staff.”

“As a man who never really wears underwear, I find this so degrading to our human rights,” said a passenger at LAX who wished to remain anonymous. “That said, it will be very exciting to know I get to take my pants off, and everyone will be able to see me naked. It’s arousing me just imagining it!”

As for now, the rule will only affect adults ages 18 and over, but fears that children may become mules to illegal trafficking or acts of terrorism has already been discussed, and the FAA is working out separate rules for children.

Most of the people who were interviewed at LAX international airport seemed outraged by the FAA’s lack of compassion and dignity of frequent fliers, but all said that they will still fly regardless of the no-pants rule.

“I need to fly constantly to make a living, and while I’d prefer to be as comfortable as possible during my times boarding and flying on a plane, I have to admit, if I had to strip naked and crawl to my plane to get on it, I would,” said Delta passenger Richard Cummings. “Whatever I have to do to make it to the next city, I’ll deal with. It’s the difference between eating my next meal in a restaurant, or out of a garbage pail.”

Sony Pictures Admits Hacking, Film ‘Leaks’ Were Marketing Stunt

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The internet has been abuzz the last several days as news of Sony Pictures’ servers being hacked, reportedly by North Koreans, hit the circuit, with Sony representatives stating that they had been locked out of many of their own computers and social media accounts, as well as several major motion pictures being stolen and distributed through online resources.

As it turns out, though, a Sony Pictures employee accidentally spilled the beans, when he let it slip to a reporter that the ‘hacking’ was all staged, and that the films that were released to the internet, including the remake of Annie and the bio-pic To Write Love on Her Arms, were expected to be ‘giant pieces of shit’ that ‘no one would ever pay to see anyway.’

“The movies that were leaked, with the exception of the Brad Pitt movie Fury, are all movies no one has any interest in seeing anyway,” said the unnamed source. “Oh boy, a remake of Annie, a classic that everyone was sick of decades ago, with an ‘urban’ cast. Wow. The To Write Love on Her Arms movie – hell, I work at the studio, and even I don’t know what that is. Another Kat Dennings flick. Again, truly underwhelmed. That’s why the studio let these movies end up online.”

The source says that Sony executives hatched the scheme to hire a group of hackers to ‘infiltrate’ their systems and lock everyone out – that way even most people who work for them wouldn’t know it was just a ruse to drum up excitement for their films.

“I only found out because I overheard some studio heads talking. ‘My God, I can’t believe we’re actually giving away these movies!’ they were saying. With the holidays coming up, and Annie coming out nationwide, I think they wanted people to go see it. It’s weird how it works – if people think that something is worth stealing, then they’ll actually pay for it. Capitalism!”

Sony Executives could not be reached for comment.

Mailman Arrested After 3 Tons of Undelivered Mail Found in His Backyard

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LITTLE CREEK, Pennsylvania –

A letter carrier from the small town of Little Creek in Pennsylvania must have never heard the old Post Office motto ‘Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom…’, as Postal Worked Dwight Davidson was arrested yesterday after over 6000 pounds of undelivered mail was found in his backyard.

“It’s a lot of pressure being a mailman, the mail never stops,” said Davidson from his holding sell at a Pennsylvania federal prison. “Since the coal mine closed last year, just about everybody in town is out of work and all they do now is wait by their mailboxes for their checks – unemployment checks, welfare checks, and any other checks you can get from the government. They all made the same joke when I gave them their mail; ‘Keep the bills,’ they’d say. Well, I decided to give them what they wanted, and stopped delivering bills.”

Davidson says that once he stopped bringing bills to the people on his delivery route, they were nicer to him, and it was an extreme load off his mind, as well as his body.

“Once I started dumping junk mail and bills in my backyard, my job got easier. What use to take 8 hours to deliver every day now took just about 45 minutes. People got their checks, and I got a lot of free time – seemed like a win-win. Well, as it turns out, after about a month of not getting any mail, some people complained. The sheriff and the Postmaster found the mail in my backyard, and I got arrested and suspended – with pay, thanks to the union, so now when I get out of prison in 6 months, I’ll get to sit home and do nothing and wait by the mailbox for a check. They had it right all along! It’s a great plan!”

Facebook Submits Names Of Users Posing In Pictures With Guns To Homeland Security

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

“Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

“It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”

kendal — Texas Cheerleader and famous Big Game Hunter, Kendall Jones, 19, has already had all of her photos reported to Homeland Security

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHFIELD, Minnesota –

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”