Eminem To Record Album Of Country Song Covers

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan

Marshall Mathers, best known by his stage name Eminem, has said that his next album will be entirely compromised of cover songs, with all of them being songs straight out of Nashville.

“I’m one of the biggest selling artists of all time, and the top selling rapper, but there are a lot of other musical genres out there that I haven’t stuck my feet into,” said Eminem. “Country is the most popular music there is. It outsells rap or rock 10 to 1. So it’s time I got in on that action, and my next album will be very country.”

Originally when it was announced, fans and reporters assumed that the album would be rap covers of country songs, but as news has spread, Eminem has clarified that the album would not be rap at all, it would be straight-up country music.

“I don’t know how to write country lyrics, because I haven’t often fucked my sister or sat in the back of a pick-up truck drinking from a red cup, but I know what loss feels like, and I know what it means to be poor white trash, so that’s why I’m going country,” said Eminem. “These will be covers of other popular country songs, and they will be amazing. You’ll see.”

Woman Suffers Severe Rectum Burns After Cell Phone Falls In Toilet, Shorts Out

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

A 28-year-old woman was hospitalized with severe burns to her buttocks, rectum, and vagina after her cell phone fell out of her pants pocket while she was in the process of sitting down in a restaurant bathroom, landing in the toilet. The water shorted out the phone, causing a small explosion inside the toilet bowl. The explosion is what caused the woman to get burned.

“I’m not going to lie, it was really hilarious,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Daytona Medical Center. “My wife drops her stupid phone in the toilet constantly. So does my teenage daughter. I don’t know why women insist on putting their phones in their back pocket. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Brown says that the patient, whose name is not being released, will have minor scarring, but in the future, he warns that the case could have been a lot worse.

“She could have died, easily, from her injuries,” said Dr. Brown. “I caution women everywhere to stop putting their phones in their back pockets, stop wearing stupid little jeans with tiny pockets, or stop having phones all together. This is a tragic, yet stupidly ridiculous, circumstance, that I never want to have to deal with again. Be safe, girls.”

Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”

Ryan Reynolds Says He Won’t Return For Deadpool Sequel

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool, in the way the Robert Downey Jr. perfectly encompasses the role of Tony Stark in Iron Man. With the new Deadpool movie bringing in a record-breaking quarter of a billion dollars in its worldwide opening weekend, Fox was keen on quickly green-lighting a sequel, but sadly, there is one person who won’t be returning.

Ryan Reynolds says that he will not be singing on for a second Deadpool film, after realizing that the part was going to put way too much pressure on his everyday life.

“I’ve been an actor for years, and I’ve always had a good time with it,” said Reynolds. “Problem is, not that I’ve played a character in a movie people have actually seen, I haven’t had a moment to rest, and it’s frustrating.”

Reynolds had been personally trying to get a Deadpool film made for years, and it took over a decade for Fox to agree to not only make the film, but make it geared towards adults, letting it receive the MPAA’s R-rating. Reynolds says that he’s glad the movie is doing so well, but he can’t be part of another one.

“Someone else can easily take over, because most of the film I’m in a suit, and when I’m not, my face is covered in burn makeup,” said Reynolds. “I really want to go back to just being an actor that people sort of recognize, but pass by on the street without having to stop and take a selfie with.”

Tom Hanks Gains 200 Pounds To Play Your Mom In New Movie

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Hanks recently signed a deal with Universal to play Your Mom in a major motion picture. The actor, who is known for his extremely method abilities, including growing a full beard and losing over 75 pounds for his role in Cast Away, will reportedly put on over 200 pounds to play Your Mom in the movie.

“The thing is, I could never really be as ugly as Your Mom, but I could definitely get that fat,” said the actor. “This is undoubtedly going to be a tough role to play, but I am sure that once I get the weight on, I will look more like Your Mom, and I will start to feel more like Your Mom, too.”

Universal head Joe Goldsmith says that this is not the first time a movie about Your Mom has been in production, but until recently, they couldn’t find anyone interested in playing the part.

“Your Mom is kind of a drag, really. She’s lived a hard life and everything, but Your Mom is a real bitch, and we needed someone with real acting abilities to play that role,” said Goldsmith. “Your Mom is also a dirty slut, and that takes some careful writing in order to make Your Mom a character that everyone can relate to.”

Aaron Sorkin is writing the screenplay. JJ Abrams is currently in talks to direct.

Father Marries His Twin Daughters In First Incestuous Polygamous Relationship

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVO, Utah –

John Jacob Schmidt, 50, was recently wed to his two twin daughters, Marna and Mary, 22, in what has become the nation’s first incestuous polygamous marriage, say Utah state officials.

Utah is known for its heavy population of Mormons, who believe and practice in polygamy, which is taking multiple wives. Although not legal, many small towns in Utah allow for the practice, although in the case of Schmidt, he was taking his relationships to the next level.

“I have never in my life loved anyone more than I love my daughters,” said Schmidt, beaming proudly in his finest overalls and tie. “Even my first 8 wives were not as important to me as my daughters. After all of my wives died, the only family I have left are Marna and Mary, and they want this just as much as I do.”

“I love my daddy, and I would do anything to make him happy,” said Mary. “Marna and I, we have been sharing our daddy’s bed since as far back as we can remember, and we’ve always felt nothing but the deepest, hardest love from our father. This is a dream come true.”

“I think that every girl dreams of marrying a man just like their daddy, and this is just taking that to the next logical step, and doing just that,” said Marna. “Mary and I want this. Our Daddy wants this. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.”

Caitlyn Jenner Upset People Already Stopped Talking About Her

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly ‘extremely upset’ that news outlets have stopped talking about her, and sources are saying that she is looking for her next big announcement and “courageous act” to get back in the news.

“In the 70s, Bruce Jenner was a hero for doing something sports related, which is just stupid – athletes aren’t heroes, and neither are Olympians. They’re just playing games,” said Richard Mario, a reported for the LA Times. “Now, Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner, and we all reported on that. Blah blah, she’s a hero for doing it in the public eye, blah blah. She’s not a hero for transitioning, either. She’s still a bigoted, anti-gay marriage, rich republican. People have realized it, and that’s why they’re not talking about her.”

According to her closest friends, Jenner says that she may transition back to being a man just so that her name can be in magazines and newspapers again.

“She’s really upset, and she’s trying to think of what she can do so that people don’t stop talking about her,” said her friend, Marianne Jones. “I think her Kardasihan former step-children have really gotten to her, and now she wants to be just like them. She’s even talking about transitioning back into a man! I mean, she was on the cover of Vogue, now she could go back and be on the cover of Men’s Health!”

Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

World’s Fattest Man Completes Triathlon In Record-Breaking Time

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The world’s fattest man, George Richards, recently finished first in a triathlon event in Los Angeles, California. Richards, who often does not leave his house, weighs nearly 700lbs, but was encouraged to run the race after he was told there was a free buffet dinner for all the runners once they finished.

“I normally don’t move that fast, but when food is involved, you can’t stop me,” said Richards. “I am always starving, I always want food. When it comes to a free buffet, you can’t stop me from getting there. It did surprise me, though, that I was able to beat all the other well-toned athletes that were running.”

Richards’ total time was 1 hour and 24 minutes, which beat the second place finisher by over 2 hours.

“I think that it was the 23 pounds of pasta I had before the race,” said Richards. “All those carbs, they really propelled me. The sad thing is, the buffet dinner wasn’t even that good.”