Psychiatrist Prescribes Video Games To Fight Depression

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Minnesota –

Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.

“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.

“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”

Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”

Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.

Mariah Carey Loses ‘Priceless’ Engagement Ring Worth $10 Million

Posted on January 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Mariah Carey and James Packer’s recently announced their engagement, but Carey could not keep the ring on her finger for more than a few days. After announcing plans for a wedding so lavish it will rival Prince William and Kate’s nuptials, the lovebirds flew to Miami for a pre-wedding honeymoon.

Somewhere on the beach Carey lost her 35-carat diamond engagement ring. Although she recruited people to help her find it, it did not immediately turn up. They couple soon gave up, not wanting to waste the rest of their day. Carey says she hopes a good samaritan will find it and return it to her, since she says it has “some sentimental value.” A reward of $100 has been issued by the couple, and they hope that someone will find it on the beaches of Miami.

Carey’s $4.7 billion dollar man is reportedly not upset by the loss, since the ring was fully insured, and he has enough money to ‘wipe his ass with $100 bills for the rest of his life,’ and still have more money than most people on Earth, according to sources who are friendly with the couple.

The ring was reportedly worth $10 million.

Heroin Addict Kills Mother In Front of Family, Blames It On ‘Having A Bad Day’

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DRESDEN, Mississippi –

Keith Jordon admits he killed his mother and says the reason she is dead is that he was having a stressful day. Jordon had been fired from his job two months before, for poor attendance, and his roommates were now kicking him out because he wasn’t able to make rent.

Jordon’s sister, Denise Jordon, witnessed the brutal attack on their mother. “She’d already given him money for last month’s rent, but of course he used it for drugs. Here he was, begging for more. When she refused to give it to him, he stabbed her.”

Keith Jordon reportedly stabbed his mother five times, and then continued to stand over her and kick her, which he blames on the fact he was withdrawing from Suboxone.

Although Suboxone is often prescribed for opiate addiction, Jordan had been getting it on the streets since a local drug bust interrupted his heroin supply.

“People are forgetting how I feel. It really hurts me that my mom is gone. I really want to just zonk right out and not think about it. They won’t even give you a Valium in jail, man. I thought I was supposed to get medical care in here.”

Jordon also blames the system for contributing to the situation. “If they would just stop this stupid war on drugs, I would still be able to get my heroin on the cheap like it was. None of this would have ever happened.”

Homicide Investigator, Edward Watson says, “This is typical addict behavior. He had no money and a trigger. Boom. Clear motive. He confessed immediately after being detained.”

Hero Teen Runs Into Traffic To Save Sloth

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUENCA, Ecuador –

Marlon Domingo, 16, did not think twice before risking his life to save a sloth that was trapped in the middle of the road. Drivers were going around the sloth, but Domingo knew it was only a matter of time before one was not paying attention.

The sloth seems to have started his journey across the road in the morning before traffic hit. Domingo encountered him in the middle of the morning rush and immediately dashed into traffic to save him. Because of an accident caused by Domingo, police came and blocked off the road, while the sloth was slowly edged to the other side of the road.

While the sloth is fine, a Brazilian couple was injured when they crashed their car into a guard rail. Even though the driver received treatment for whiplash and the passenger left with a broken nose, they say they are just happy the sloth is okay. “I got some cute pictures for Facebook with the sloth once my nose stopped bleeding, so it was all worth it,” commented Mrs. Velasco.

Woman To Receive World’s First Cat Eye Transplant

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

POMONA VALLEY, California –

After a vicious attack, Cheryl Wrigley thought she would never see again. Although she could not afford a traditional human eye transplant, she now hopes she will see again after being selected for an experimental cat’s eye transplant.

The rods and cones of a cat’s eye are quite different from humans, meaning Cheryl’s color vision will be altered, but she will be able to see better at night. Researchers at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center’s experimental unit are interested to find out exactly how her perception changes.

Because cats have ultra-violet transparent lenses, unlike humans, UV light will reach her retina, potentially allowing her to see more of the light spectrum than any other person has. Scientists are unsure whether her brain will be able to process the UV light in the same way a cat’s brain will, and are interested to see if this works.

“I always thought about getting like some cat’s eye contacts. I’m going to look so sexy after my operation,” says Wrigley. Although a cat’s eyeball is significantly smaller than a humans, Wrigley will receive plastic surgery to alter her face and make the rest of her features proportional.

Matthew Perry Admits Filming ‘Friends’ Caused Substance Abuse Problems

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Matthew Perry admits he does not remember much of the years he spent on Friends, and says he would never have been an alcoholic and drug addict if he had made different career choices.

“I didn’t remember the years I filmed Friends, and I can say I don’t want to. At the time I think I was trying to block it all out. When I look back now, and I watch the re-runs, I think ‘what a horrible show!’ Even the royalty checks can’t block out that garbage. If you were me trying to get through that shit, you’d have been messed up, too.”

Perry says that although there were copious amounts of drugs on the set, he did not partake until after hours. “Coke service was right next to food service, but I always stayed straight while we were filming. I’m a professional. Even though I was disturbed by what I was doing, the character I was playing, I stuffed all that down until later. I always started the night with booze. By morning I was crawling out of a k-hole and someone was splashing water on my face.”

In addition to Ketamine, the actor admits to using alcohol, Xanax, and cheap heroin. Perry says over time the drug use ate at his memory, and now the memories of being on the set of Friends are completely blocked out. “Part of it is post-traumatic stress. Most of it was the drugs. Almost all of it can be blamed on David Schwimmer.”

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Admits To Killing Notorious BIG

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a recent interview with MTV News, Sean Combs, aka Diddy, admits he and the late Notorious BIG were “frenemies at best.”

“There was a rivalry between us. He’s the one that came up with my name, Puff Daddy. You think I would’ve chosen that weak-ass name for myself? Please,” said Diddy during the interview.

This inspired a rivalry between the two artists, which eventually led to the demise of Biggie Smalls. “I killed him – lyrically that is. After that, Wallace had himself killed so he’d win in the end. Sold a lot of records after that. It was a marketing strategy. Might have worked for a while, but who’s sold more records now, bitch?”

Diddy went on to say insist he was not responsible for the rapper’s death, saying clogged arteries would have killed him soon anyway. “Fattie couldn’t ride the elevator up to the studio without huffing and puffing.”

The MTV News interview will not be aired on their network, per their agreement with advertisers to show nothing but reality TV, but it will be available on their website.

Actress Stacy Dash of ‘Clueless’ Fame Accused of ‘Turning Against Race’

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Actress Stacey Dash’s recent controversial remarks have made many say she has “turned against her race.” Dash recently denounced BET network and Black History Month, saying these institutions segregate instead of integrate, and criticized double standards that benefit black people.

Rapper Bun B made remarks on his Instagram accusing Dash of hating her black skin and heritage. He says Dash is “as whack as those white kids who couldn’t spell nigga right in their school photo.”

African-Americans who were surveyed said BET and Black History month are here to stay. “We fought for double standards like affirmative action and the BET awards. They’ll pry take Black History Month from my cold dead hands,” said Bun B.

Others say, “Wasn’t that the actress from Clueless? How is what she has to say even relevant? And who the fuck is Bun B?”

Justin Bieber Records Cover of 90s Hit ‘Macarena’

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Simultaneously beloved and despised, Los Del Rio’s hit Macarena will soon be back on the radio, resurrected by none other than Justin Bieber. The “musician” says when he learned what it was really about, he knew right away he would have to cover it.

Co-producer Steve James says when Bieber saw the translation he went wild over the song all over again. The song’s lyrics include, “Give your body joy” and tell of a girl who’s stepping out on her man, Vittorio.

Bieber explains, “It’s about a really thirsty girl. She wants it bad. This hits going to be sick, sick like the plague, girl.”

The “musician” says he has been looking for just the right 90s song to cover. He considered both NSync and Spice Girls hits, but nothing ever got off the ground. “I’m a real 90s kid. That’s the music I was raised on,” says Justin, who was born in 1994 and doesn’t understand that really makes him a 2000s kid, not a 90s kid.

Beliebers everywhere are excited, eager for any fresh track released by their Lord and savior, Justin “Jesus” Bieber.

Bill Murray Says He Defecated On Hillary Clinton’s Limousine

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, North Carolina –

No one expected Bill Murray to throw his hat in the ring for president, but last week, the 65-year-old comedian and actor made his intentions known officially, assuring everyone he is completely serious and interested in winning the 2016 election.

Unfortunately, immediately following his announcement that he was campaigning, a damning video surfaced of the actor on major news websites, showing him defecating on Hillary Clinton’s motorcade.

“It’s not like I was taking a dump on the American flag or anything,” Murray said, admitting to news outlets that what they had seen in the video was true. “It was just the Clinton limousine. Who cares? I had been thinking about doing that for a while now. It just seemed right. I’d never do that to Bernie Sanders, though. He seems like a decent guy. The rest of them are just scum.”

Murray’s representatives later retracted the statement, saying that Murray’s admission of guilt was a joke and made tongue-in-cheek. They denied any involvement, and attributed the incident to a lookalike.