Teen Sues Parents For Grounding Him, Making Him Miss Concert Of Favorite Band

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

A Duluth teen has reportedly brought a $150,000 lawsuit against his parents for grounding him 3 weeks ago, forcing him to miss his favorite band as they made an appearance at a local venue.

Aiden Moore, 17, is suing his parents, Jacob and Rebecca, saying that if he hadn’t been grounded, then he could have gone to see his favorite band, Eyeliner Fiasco, and that all of his friends wouldn’t be bullying him for missing it.

“Everyone in my group, they can’t believe that I didn’t make it to the Fiasco show,” said Aiden. “They’re standing in the halls at school in their skinny jeans, their black make-up, and their hot pink hair, and they’re making fun of me, calling me ‘fag’ and stuff. It’s not right.”

Aiden claims that he was the one in his group of friends that got everyone into Eyeliner Fiasco in the first place, and that his parents have caused “irreparable harm” to his status at school by grounding him, and not allowing him to go to the concert.

“We didn’t let him go because we caught him stealing his little sister’s makeup again, and he was grounded for the weekend,” said Aiden’s mother, Rebecca Moore. “We don’t take grounding lightly in this house, and he knew the rules and broke them. We weren’t just going to ground him, then let him go to the concert anyway.”

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of Aiden by the ACLU, the American Children Loser’s Union, who help morons, losers, and emo kids to sue their parents when their own behavior causes conflict.

Young Man Shot During Zombie Prank At Pennsylvania Mall

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILLTOWN, Pennsylvania –

Rick Pilsner, 20, was reportedly shot and killed during a prank he was filming for his YouTube channel yesterday evening. Pilsner, known to his 13 followers on the social media channel as “That Prank Guy,” reportedly had dressed up in a “very realistic” zombie outfit to scare shoppers at the Milltown Plaza Mall.

“It’s a tragedy that this happened, a truly sad story,” said Milltown police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Rick Pilsner was well known in this town for his pranks and jokes, but this one just went too far for one citizen. Apparently Rick never watched the news, and didn’t know that any idiot with a gun is likely to use it, especially in a mall.”

Goldsmith says that at approximately 8pm, Pilsner went into a mall restroom and changed into his zombie outfit and makeup. At approximately 8:30pm, when he walked out of the bathroom mumbling “brainssss…brainsss…” a passing shopper drew his concealed firearm and shot Pilsner 3 times in the face.

“Yup. I saw that zombie, and he was coming right for me, screaming about eatin’ my brains,” said Jerry Moore, 62, a retired truck driver. “I was carrying my old .45, as I usually am, and when I saw him coming at me, I drew out and shot the sumbitch right in the face. After he went down, I shot him a couple more times, too. Can’t be too careful with zombies, you know.”

Moore, who was later informed that Pilsner was a young man in a costume, and not an actual zombie, reportedly commented “Pfft, that’s just what the government wants you to think. I know a real zombie when I see one.”

Goldsmith says that Moore will not face criminal charges in the case, as he honestly “feared for his life.” His weapon was temporarily confiscated for investigation purposes.

New ‘Star Wars’ Film Gets Release Date Pushed To June 2016

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Disney Co., the parent company behind the new Star Wars franchise, has announced that they will be pushing the release date for the film back several months, from December of this year to June of 2016. The move comes as part of a “cooling off” period after several suicides were reported after the trailer for the film was released last week.

“Between the suicides over African-American actors being cast in lead roles, and the protests over our apparent ‘racism’ by not having as many white actors as in previous films, we decided it best to re-shoot several of the film’s key moments,” said Disney CEO Mark Ruben. “We want every Star Wars fan to be as happy and proud of this film as we are, so with that in mind, we go back into production next week.”

According to Ruben, the film will contain several new, Caucasian characters that were not in the version that was planned for release in December.

“We originally tried to not white-wash the galaxy far, far away, but now, it seems that some changes need to be made,” said Ruben. “We will be working closely with the cast and director of The Force Awakens to make sure that the spirit of the film stays alive while we work in new characters and storylines.”

The film will go back into production next week, and shooting will take an additional 4 months. No word on whether this will also delay Episode VIII.

Bill Nye To Be Awarded Nobel Prize

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

Woman Arrested After Shoplifting Turkey From Grocery Store By Hiding It In Her Vagina

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

An Atlanta women was arrested after allegedly shoplifting a turkey from a Kroger grocery store by hiding the bird inside of her vagina.

Police were called by the store manager to the location on Delaware Ave. Thursday evening after security cameras caught the woman taking a full-sized frozen turkey from the refrigerator section, lifting her skirt, and attempting to insert the Butterball “Plump & Juicy” turkey product inside herself.

“It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “This woman must have had balls of steel to try and pull this off. Well, actually, in retrospect, I suppose she must not have had any balls at all, otherwise she’d have had nowhere to put it.”

The woman, Shaniqua Rogers of 345 Elm Plaza, was arrested and taken into police custody. She is being charged with theft and public display of indecency. She is scheduled for arraignment on November 1st. According to police, Rogers claimed she was trying to get an “early jump” on Thanksgiving turkeys.

Children With Imaginary Friends More Likely To Be Gay, Study Finds

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at Boston Medical School have been studying children who claim that they have “imaginary friends” for over 2 decades, and their findings – which were released today – are shocking.

“Children who have imaginary friends are 89% more likely to turn out to be gay,” said professor Joe Goldsmith of the Boston Medical School. “We have no idea why this is the case, but in following 200 young children, 100 of whom played with imaginary friends, and 100 of whom did not, from the ages of 3 to 23, a staggering 100% of the children without IFs, as well call them, were straight. Of the children with IFs, 90 of them turned out to be gay.”

Goldsmith says that they are continuing to search for the link between the imaginary friend and homosexual tendencies, but so far, they are coming up empty-handed.

“We have no idea why this kids are, almost without fail, growing up to be gay,” said Goldsmith. “The nice thing, though, is that if your child is often playing with an imaginary friend, you can almost be assured of their homosexuality later in life. It’s a real tell of what’s to come.”

The study was funded, in part, by the American Psychiatric Association and the Catholic church.

‘Back To The Future 4’ Announced As Part Of ‘Back To The Future Day’ 2015

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

October 21, 2015 is being celebrated as Back to the Future Day, as it marks the time in the second film where Marty and Doc travel to ‘the future’ to save Marty’s children. The day is being marked with celebration from fans all over the world, with many companies getting in on the fun. Lyft is offering rides in DeLorean cars, Pepsi released the Pepsi Perfect product seen in the film, and more.

For years, though super-fans of the Back to the Future films have hoped and prayed for the continuing adventures of Marty and Doc as they travel through time. October 21st seems to be the right day for the announcement, as Universal Studios, the company behind the film, released a statement acknowledging that they had begun pre-production on a fourth Back to the Future film.

“Back to the Future is one of the most beloved series of all time,” said Universal Studios president Biff Tannen. “Although Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd are not able to star in the upcoming film, we have decided to move on with the series, and create a new story based on these characters and adventures.”

Tannen says that the film will not be a remake, but a direct sequel, although they will not be casting new actors to play the original parts, either.

“We want to continue the story in a way that feels organic. Marty and Doc both have children by now, and the logical step seems to be to pair these kids up for a time-traveling adventure,” said Tannen. “In the new film, we are leaning towards them traveling through time in a refrigerator. There will still be hoverboards, and there will still be a DeLorean and Einstein the dog. Doc and Marty will make appearances, I’m sure.”

The film is set to go into production in July of 2018 with a scheduled release date of October 21, 2020.

Bear Grylls Hospitalized With Urine Poisoning

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

McMURDO STATION, Antarctica –

Edward Michael “Bear” Grylls, an explorer who is best known for his TV series Man Vs. Wild, was reportedly hospitalized while on a trek in Antarctica. Reports indicate that Grylls was rushed to a facility in McMurdo Station after complaining of violent stomach cramps.

“When he arrived, Mr. Grylls was in severe pain, and we ran multiple tests,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the McMurdo General Hospital. “In questioning him, we discovered that it was quite common for him to drink his own urine while on his treks. When we checked, his urea-levels were off the charts.”

According to Brown, it is actually not completely unsafe to drink your own urine, as it is mostly water, sodium, and potassium, but that you can only do so once, maybe twice, before your urine becomes poisonous.

“You could wake up tomorrow, and drink your pee, and you’d be fine,” said Brown. “You could probably drink your next pee, too. After that, you’re starting to drink pee that has gone through your system multiple times, and that is going to cause problems. That is what happened to Mr. Grylls.”

At the time of this writing, Grylls was still hospitalized, and was having his system flushed with clean, clear liquids.

“We highly recommended that Mr. Grylls no longer drinks his own pee,” said Brown.

Playboy Magazine Announces Caitlyn Jenner As November Centerfold

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

It already seemed like a major joke when, last week, Playboy magazine announced that it would no longer feature nude women, and instead would focus on the articles and interviews. The company, who removed nudity from their website in 2013, did say that they would keep the one piece of nudity that everyone loved: the centerfold.

Continuing with the idea of making their subscription numbers as low as possible, Playboy announced that November’s issue would feature Caitlyn Jenner, fully nude, as the centerfold.

“We are very excited to have Caitlyn join our long line of prestigious centerfolds,” said Playboy owner Hugh Hefner, 104. “And what a glorious time to have a she-man in the magazine. In 2015, we can have a black man as president, and we can have a chick with a dick in the Playboy centerfold. Readers-shmeaders. Everyone will want to buy this issue.”

Jenner could not be reached for comment, but her reps said that she is “extremely excited” to show the world her new, woman-ish body that still has a penis.

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SHAPRIO, Indiana –

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”