Lorde to Drop the ‘E’ and Reveal Herself as Lord and Savior

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW ZEALAND –

18-year-old singer-songwriter Lorde is expected to drop the ‘e’ from her name and reveal herself as our Lord and Savior. The New Zealander, formerly known as Ella Yelich-O’Connor, has apparently been waiting for the Easter weekend to pass, to initiate the Second Coming, in accordance with New Testament lore.

“I returned from the dead three days after the Crucifixion,” she wrote in a letter to the New York Times. “Three days from that, ie. this coming Tuesday, I will complete my resurrection, using the medium of pop music to bring in the new Messianic era.”

Christian aficionados around the world reacted with anticipation and fear to the announcement, having waited 2000 years for this moment.

“When she released [her breakthrough single] ‘Royals’, I knew,” said Pastor John Harryworth. “‘Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin’ the hotel room’ is clearly a reference to the incarnation of Christ, through the consumption of his blood in Communion. Ball gowns refers to the parties that will follow her revelation. Trashin’ the hotel room refers to the rapture, when the world will be trashed, like a celebrity’s hotel room.”

But many are worried that the world is not ready for Lorde’s revelation, saying that the rapture will take only the righteous few to heaven, leaving the rest of humanity to hell on earth.

“Look, I appreciate what Lorde’s trying to do, and I must say I love her music – remember that when you choose the righteous, sweetheart – but it’s not the right time,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We need a few years to convert the majority of the 7 billion human beings, and your music will be able to do that. You’re just superb.”

The announcement dispels previous rumors that Lorde was to drop the ‘r’ and become part of a rock formation.

Paris Hilton Announces Own Line of Breast Implants

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a bid to stay relevant in the rapidly changing world of celebrity, Paris Hilton today announced her intention to start her own range of breast implants. Hilton already has ranges of perfume, makeup, and fashion, and is now attempting to branch out into a more boutique industry.

“Women around the world will love what I have in store for them,” she said in a press release. “I know you’ve been waiting to get boobs with my signature of approval, and now they’ll be readily available.”

The personalized breasts are expected to be top of the range, exclusively in the price range of the upper class, drawing criticism from foundations which assist women living with breast cancer who have had surgery on their mammaries.

“She could use her money and status to help sufferers of cancer, but she only cares about girls looking ‘hot’,” said Brenda Firman, head of Breast Awareness. “It’s very disappointing that a person of her stature would be so selfish.”

In the past, Hilton has been criticized for releasing fashion that is too expensive for homeless people who have nothing to wear, perfume too expensive for job seekers who cannot afford deodorant, and makeup too expensive for some survivors of facial disfigurement. She has brushed off all accusations of selfishness, simply stating, “Why do those people not work harder to make money to afford it?”

The false boobs are expected in all sizes and styles, catering for women of every shape.

“From A-cups to Double-D and beyond, we’ve got something for you,” said her representatives. “Our shapes range from round, to oval, to square for the hipster population.”

Friend Kim Kardashian has congratulated Hilton and announced her own intentions of releasing a range of butt implants.

‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

Posted on April 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The first 5 episodes of the fifth season of Game of Thrones was leaked to the internet earlier this week, and the internet immediately shit its pants with excitement over the news. Many people were clamoring to torrent websites to download the episodes, which were not scheduled to air until April 12th, but had hit the internet on April 10th.

As of this writing, over 45,000 people were seeding, or sharing, each of the 5 episodes on the popular filesharing website bigtorrent.org, and on website Shwashbuckle.net, each episode was being shared by as many as a quarter of a million users.

“We aren’t happy at all that this happened, nope, not a bit,” said HBO spokesman Jim Dugan. “We definitely didn’t leak the episodes ourself for publicity for the show, no, definitely not. And we will argue vehemently with anyone who says otherwise. This show leak is horrible for us. It’s definitely not going to drum up excitement for the rest of the series, causing people to subscribe to us via cable our encourage them to purchase our new network, HBONow, which has every single episode of every single show we have, as well as all the great HBO movies you’ve come to expect from us. Hell no, not a chance.”

Most people who have watched the episodes and reported on them throughout websites and forums, say that the show is still just as good as it’s always been.

“Yeah, I watched them, they were pretty good,” said torrent user MegaCock4UBabez6969. “I mean, the quality wasn’t HD, which pissed me off. But whatever, the episodes were good. There were tits, and there was blood, so I’m happy.”

HBO executives say that they have no plans to release the episodes any sooner just because of the internet leak.

One Direction Now One-Fifth Less Annoying As Zayn Malik Leaves Band

Posted on April 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Concertgoers in South Africa have confirmed that One Direction is one fifth less annoying following the departure of Zayn Malik from the band. Colloquially known as 1D, the four remaining members played at the Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg on Saturday and Sunday night. Among the screaming 12-14 year olds, there were inevitably parents chaperoning, and those who went just for the hell of it.

“I expected a whole other level of annoyingness,” said one pleasantly surprised parent. “They were exactly one fifth less irritating than what I’d been promised. I did the calculations.”

The reports weren’t all positive. Interviewees agreed that the band was, nonetheless, fucking aggravating.

“At one point, one of the members – Liam I think it was – ran off the stage with puffy eyes,” said Chris Hi, who was not quite sure why he was there. “We all thought he was emotional about Zayn’s departure. Turns out the douche had accidentally hit himself in the eye with his microphone, which he’d been coolly flipping around throughout.”

Other ways that the young superstars managed to piss off adult South Africans, included making constant references to Nelson Mandela, sometimes even crowbarring his names into their songs.

“‘You don’t know you’re our role model, and that’s what makes you Nelson Mandela,’ was just one terrible line,” said Ronnie Manson. “They also replaced the name Cecilia with Madiba [an affectionate name used by South Africans to refer to their late president] in reference to the heartbreak caused by his death.”

Young fans, however, professed to being disappointed by the low level of annoyingness exhibited by the now four member band.

“There’s only four hairstyles to talk about!” complained Lisa Garber, 13. “And Zayn was so dreamy – his doe eyes would have irritated the hell out of my dad.”

In an effort to enhance their frustrating stage presence, they did a tribute to Zayn Malik towards the end of the concert. All members of the four piece cried as if someone had died, and waved candles like a bunch of imbeciles.

Trevor Noah Blasted By Families Of Victims Of His Tweet Criticizing Israel

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

It’s been 3 days since Trevor Noah was announced as the new host of The Daily Show, and already he is in hot water. The relative newcomer to the international comedy scene has come under fire for potentially offensive comments he’s made on Twitter in the past, and now the families of the victims of his tweets are making their voices heard. In particular, a comment he made about Israel, that has been called anti-Semitic.

In June 2010, he wrote, “South Africans know how to recycle like israel [sic] knows how to be peaceful.”

The remark reportedly led to 12 deaths and 33 injuries, directly related to taking offense. A representative of the survivors and the victims’ families gave a brief press conference in which he announced their intention to pursue a class action lawsuit against the South African funnyman.

“The offended parties have expressed their disappointment in Comedy Central’s decision to employ a known offender,” Adv. Richard Goldman stated. “Not only is he a polarizing figure, Noah has shown that he is unrepentant by continuing to say things which may be deemed offensive by my clients.”

Sally Bernstein, who lost an arm due to another of the comedian’s Twitter controversies, says she will fight till the end, tooth and nail.

“Noah cannot get away with this,” she wrote on her blog, itakeoffense.com. “The world has already shown its prejudices against the Jewish state, by not taking him to the International Criminal Court. Now he is being glorified!”

But not all Jewish and Zionist organizations are in agreement with the reactionary storm. Josh Tucker, of Herzl High School in Johannesburg, stood up for the underfire personality.

“He came to our school,” said Tucker. “The Department of Informal Jewish Education (DIJE) invited him. He made Jewish jokes and we all laughed. Seriously, anyone who dies from a vaguely offensive tweet is purposely being killed off by evolution.”

Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood was all a buzz yesterday with the announcement that singers and friends Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga have signed a deal for an upcoming motion picture. The film Crooner And Legs will be a buddy cop movie, and filming will begin in late spring.

“I’m very excited, I love buddy cop movies,” said Tony Bennett, 88. ”I can’t give too much away about the script but I play a Detective one week away from retirement, trying to solve one last big case. It’s going to be great working with Gaga, she’s a great friend and a great talent. Whenever I work with Gaga, I feel 70 years younger. She’s truly a special person.”

“Tony and I are like soul mates,” said Lady Gaga, age 29. ”In the movie I play an ex-Rockette turned cop. Except for the special effects, stunt doubles, and shoot outs, the movie will be like real life, Tony and I singing to each other. This movie will be magical. Tony at the end of a long successful career and me at the start of one.

”The script was written for Kanye West and Paul McCarthy,” said Ira Goldstein, Executive Producer. “Kanye was insisting on an Oscar before he signed a contract. I tried explaining to him that’s not how it works, but he called me a racist and backed out of the deal. I’m happy we were able to Tony and Gaga, their on screen chemistry will make this movie a hit.”

“ He’s old as all hell and half the time I’m not sure she’s even a woman,” said film critic Carmine Classi. ”This movie has train wreck written all over it.”

Hollywood Looking For More True Stories to Fit Existing Scripts

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Big players in Hollywood are reportedly scouring the country for true stories which they can fit to the plots of scripts they have approved for production. Hundreds of movies have been stalled in the pipeline by the lax scouting that has characterised the industry of late, leading to many movies losing that powerful inspiration that “based on a true story” movies have.

“A lot of films have lost out because we haven’t put enough effort into this,” said Paul Matfield, a director contracted to Warner Brothers Studios. “I heard that Focus, in particular, was meant to be based around real life conmen, but in the end they didn’t have time to find someone in jail or someone reformed who was charismatic enough for his Wikipedia page to fit the bill.”

According to industry insiders, plots waiting for real people include James Bond style secret agent films, tear-jerking dramas about mothers who lost a child, heroic animals who saved their human masters in extreme conditions, and sports stories about a team that won against all the odds.

“They don’t have to be exact, we just need people, groups and tragedies which have similar superficial details that your average man won’t look past. It was particularly tragic that they had no one to base Birdman on. Also, Cake could surely have found a crash victim to fit to Jennifer Aniston’s character.”

A source from one big studio, revealed that recent events will, indeed, give inspiration to many when matched with a plot.

“That Germanwings crash that just happened goes really well with a tragic drama about a suicidal pilot that we’ve had for over a decade. Israel’s Gaza war in 2014 already has many long awaited political dramas in the works. Now we’re just waiting for a major terror attack in a Western nation, that will lead directly to some sure crowd favorites and award winners.”

Champion Gamer Claims Going Outside is ‘Overrated’

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

2014 Call Of Duty (CoD) champion, 32-year-old Gary Greenberg, told interviewers that “going outside, above-ground, is overrated.” According to his own admission, the gamer has not left his mom’s basement since winning the previous tournament, and he only plans to emerge for the 2015 champs. Jane Dough was the brave journalist to enter the aging manchild’s lair.

“I’ve spent some time out there, and it has nothing on my bunker,” he said, alluding to the term he has given the dingy room in which he eats, sleeps, and neglects to shower. “Over here, I’ve got my friends constantly connected via headset, so that I can shout insults at them without the fear of ever meeting them, and I can practice for the next big event in my life.”

Dough asked Greenberg if he has had an interest in love, or even just casual sex.

“Of course I do. Every man has that – especially frustrated unhygienic men like me. But is it worth living in that horrid world of light, ambition, and abject failure? Certainly not.”

Greenberg was asked to describe his favorite aspects of his so-called bunker.

“It’s always warm in here, summer or winter. I don’t have to see anyone, and when people come down here they can’t see me because their eyes never adjust all the way to the dimness. Mostly, though, it’s not above-ground, that overrated shitty world which is home to the vast majority of assholes and jerks.”

Greenberg went on to explain why the CoD tournament was such a big event in his life, considering he had to go into the outside world to participate.

“I want my life to be an example to the youth out there – that they don’t have to settle for their lives. They can be just like me, and have a very successful career.”

Britney Spears Wants Sons to Live ‘Normal Lives’ As Kids of Mega-Rich Celebrity

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Britney Spears made entertainment news recently by going back to school – enrolling in math classes so that she would be able to help her sons with their difficult homework. She told E! Entertainment that all she wants is for her sons to lead the lives of regular boys who are children of a multimillionaire celebrity.

“It’s so important to me that their lives are no different to other kids their ages,” she said, “who have parents of major stardom. That’s why I’m ensuring that they get in the news for doing math homework. I heard Angelina [Jolie]’s kids are learning about the Civil War, and I didn’t want my boys to feel left out.”

The 33-year-old singer has two sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline – Sean,9, and Jayden James, 8. The brothers have been in the spotlight since before birth. It is expected that they grow into troubled teenagers, like many of their friends from celebrity families.

“Sean already feels a little let down by me I think,” said Spears. “He hasn’t had the amount of publicity that other children are getting, and that’s my fault. And perhaps I haven’t had enough issues lately, which would have made me self-involved and neglectful, like any good celebrity mother.”

Jayden, however, has led a life like other famous-by-association boys of his age, and Britney is not worried about his prospects in the public eye.

“He has followers on Twitter, I posted pics of him being breastfed and taking baths, I did all that stuff so he would fit in. The paparazzi know everything about him and make his life as claustrophobic as should be expected for the son of an award-winning artist.”

Kevin Federline, the boys’ father and Spears’ ex-husband, acknowledged that Britney is doing a good job raising their children.

“I approve of how she’s handled it. They’re going to rival the best of the celebrity kids.”

Will Ferrell Proves That Hollywood Walk of Fame Not Just for Good Actors

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Will Ferrell last week proved that the Hollywood Walk of Fame is not reserved for “only the best” actors. The famous walkway has received criticism in the past, facing accusations of being elitist, and only serving the talented minority. But the not-all-that-funnyman’s reception of a star among many really good actors, is evidence that the Walk is becoming more liberal and inclusive.

“This has been a long time in coming,” said activist Amy London. “For decades mediocre actors have been ignored in the awards. Ferrell is a perfect example. For years he’s served Hollywood in playing bit parts in good comedies, and taking center stage in bad ones, and has never received the recognition he deserves. Well now he’s being rightfully acknowledged.”

Ferrell himself admitted that he never expected to be inducted into the exclusive group of honorees on the Walk of Fame. However, he acknowledged that there is a basis for discrimination, and that he does not want his example to become political.

“Look, not everyone can have a star,” he told reporters. “It’s like when you’re a kid, and you win a competition but everyone gets medals for participation. It spoils the whole idea. There should be a more fair way of deciding who gets a star – like massive wrestling matches, where the last man – or woman – standing takes it.”

Some have shown skepticism about the motives behind Ferrell’s inclusion, saying that the award was only given to him to pander to critics.

“It’s not about equality, at all,” said neighborhood grouch Peter Poulsen. “They just want to act all progressive and forward-thinking. They think that by giving one bad actor an award, they can forget about them for the next three decades? We’ll make sure they don’t.”