Texas Family Fined For Not Removing Christmas Lights From Outside Home

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

In a monumental decision by the State of Texas, a new law has been enacted that resulted in one family being fined $12,000 for leaving their Christmas lights up too long.

The Sorenson family is just like any other – except that they are always the last to take down their decorations, for any holiday. Many neighbors have filed complaints about the annoyance of light pollution at night far into the new year, but it wasn’t until mayor Ivy R. Taylor passed through and noticed the decorations that anything was done about it.

“No one wants to see Christmas decorations that late in the year. It’s just obnoxious and tacky,” said the mayor.

In the case Sorenson v. City of San Antonio, an intense debate sparked over how long was too long to keep decorations up. The mayor’s initial declaration was a single week, stating: “These late compliers tarnish our beautiful city’s reputation and create tension for other residents. If we come down hard, it will stop – immediately.”

The ultimate decision, however, was the end of January, to accommodate for various religious and cultural beliefs associated with the holiday season. The initial fine for the first offense starts at just $100, with a small additional fine for each day over the limit.

Many residents are ecstatic about this change, citing the same frustrations. The Sorenson family plans to fight it any way they can.

Mayor Taylor declined to comment on stores putting decorations and festive food out for sale several months in advance.

Nickelodeon Announces Remakes Of Over 40 TV Shows From 90s

Posted on March 21, 2015 by ZGHarris

MIAMI, Florida –

For many the ages of 27 through 35 can be a tough transition into full-fledged adulthood. But for all the 90s kids in the world, life has finally thrown them a juicy bone. Nickelodeon has announced that starting in the Summer of 2015, a revamping of nearly 40 classic Nickelodeon shows will be reproduced and re-aired.

“It is time to return to the nostalgic era of Television,” said Director of Programming Arthur Nicholson. “The 90s kids are the reason we are where we are today, and we have to remember that.”

While the entire lineup has not been revealed, initial shows fingered for recreation include: Pete & Pete, Rockos Modern Life, Art You Afraid of the Dark?, Doug, Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Ren & Stimpy. Nichols hinted that nearly every show aired throughout the 90s will find its way to reproduction.

“I’m super stoked, man,” said Jake Festein, a 32-year-old clerk at a local Best Buy. He stated he grew up on the many shows on Nickelodeon.

“Those shows were so awesome. I can’t wait to chill out and watch all those shows again, man. I’d come home from school before my parents were off of work, and I’d like watch them and like laugh and stuff. It’s going to be great. Those shows were so awesome, man.”

As soon as the revamping of shows was announced, General Mills noted a influx of demand for their varied cereals, including many that had gone out of circulation.

“We haven’t seen demand like this in over 15 years,” stated General Mills Vice President of Supply, John Church.

“Thank God we brought French Toast Crunch back when we did. We have seen the demand for the product spike by nearly 2,500 percent since Nickelodeon made their announcement. We’re also getting high demand for Sprinkle Spangles, Minibuns, and Berry Berry Kix. It’s like nothing we’ve seen since I was in high school. These numbers are out of this world.”

In likely related news, marijuana dispensaries have noted a shortage in supply after a run on product, which appears to have been in line with Nickelodeon’s announcement.

Said Nicholos of the situation, “We’re just happy to see the fans are responding so positively. We can’t wait to introduce a whole new generation of kids to programming that will know will have a large impact on their lives.”

Hacker Group “Anonymous” Gives In-Depth Critique of Taylor Swift’s Dating Choices

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNKNOWN, Internet –

Last week, hacker group Anonymous posted a strange video on YouTube, giving lengthy admonitions to rapper Kanye West. The six minute clip showed a man in a Guy Fawkes mask – as is usual in appearances made by members of the group – talking about West’s childish rants about Beck, Kim Kardashian’s naked photos, and the bad example they’re setting for the nation’s children, as well as their own. Many were surprised that Anonymous chose to target West, but the hackers have managed to top their own unpredictability. Earlier today, a video was released targeting Taylor Swift, giving an in-depth critique of her dating choices.

“You go on too many dates, Taylor,” said the masked figure, in a digitally altered voice. “But it’s your taste in boys that gets to us. You dated a Jonas brother, for God’s sake. We need not comment on that one.

“Then you dated Taylor Lautner. Firstly, he has the same name as you. No respectable human being dates someone who shares their name. Secondly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner. Thirdly, he looks like an alpaca. Forthly, he’s Taylor fucking Lautner.”

The clip did not stop there, choosing to go on to bash John Mayer, calling him “a pretentious douche”.

But it wasn’t all bad. They made special mention of Jake Gyllenhaal, who they hailed as the best decision of her life, and lamented their break-up.

“Jake is something special. You showed wisdom in selecting him, proving to us that you do have at least some taste. Yes, he broke up with you via text, which was pretty shit of him, but, as you yourself say, your exes ‘will tell you I’m insane’.

“You effectively canceled out the merit you won by dating Jake, when you decided to couple with Harry Styles. He’s like twelve years old. He has stupid hairstyles. He looks like a lesbian. And he’s a member of One Direction. Now, we like One Direction as much as the next person, but would never be so shortsighted as to think a relationship with one of those guys could actually be healthy and positive. For God’s sake Taylor – you really have to up your game!”

Anonymous are expected to go after Adam Sandler next, explaining why all of his movies are a crime against moviegoers everywhere.

Disney To Finally Release Racist Classic Movie ‘Song of the South’ In U.S.

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Disney has announced that they are going to release classic movie Song of the South on home video for the first time in the U.S. Release of VHS copies of the film was put on hold indefinitely in the fifties, amid controversy of the blatantly racist depiction of African Americans in what was Disney’s first live-action release. The mass media corporation has decided, however, that the current era presents the perfect climate for the release of the beloved classic.

“I think we’re finally at a point where we can all sit back and laugh at the parochialism demonstrated by the old film directors,” said Disney executive Peter Rhynoldt. “I’m pretty sure that today’s black Americans can take the sentiment from whence it came, and realize that the offense caused back then no longer applies to them.”

Race groups have slammed the Disney Company, saying that, on the contrary, Song of the South will add fuel to the flames of already flared up racial tension.

“What’s going on, not only in Ferguson but also in the so-called ‘liberal’ cities of the U.S. is a perpetuation of white privilege and constantly renewed suspicion of African Americans,” said Donald Jackson, head of the Racial Equality Engineers. “Song of the South presents such outdated, racist tropes about the inferiority of the black man, which could have an influence on this generation’s youth.”

Democratic Senator, Richard Fein, agreed with Jackson.

“It’s anachronistic,” he told media. “I find it pretty absurd that anyone could think this was appropriate. The reality is, whoever is making this decision is just stupid.”

Rhynoldt has so far refused to back down, saying that they’re going through with this “come hell or high water.”

“It’s not nearly as bad as they say it is. There’s that sweet old guy, and the cool zippidy-do-da song. Besides, didn’t Kanye West say that racism no longer exists? This film serves as nothing more than historical documentation.”

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Shortly after confusing the world with his assertion that racism “no longer exists,” Kanye West has caused further controversy, by insisting that “black people are no longer a thing.”

Last week, West seemingly showed us his blinkered view of the lives of African-Americans, believing that because he has made it big, other black citizens do not face discrimination based on their color. But his latest quotes, from an exclusive interview with TMZ, have given us insight into the more bizarre ideas that the self-proclaimed genius holds.

“Black people are an outdated concept, used to divide the world,” he said. “Maybe once they existed, but in the 21st century we’ve got to accept that civilisation has changed. Everyone is now white.”

The controversial rapper was asked to explain the different skin tone and other physical differences of those who identify as Africans or African Americans.

“Physical differences don’t make someone different. What’s a bit of melatonin among friends? I can assure you that, as a white person, I’m willing to look past the superficial differences and accept that these people are white like me.”

Kanye went on to say that, not only did black people not exist, no race “other than whites or caucasians actually represent a factual construct”.

“Chinese people are white too, even though they may look shorter and have different eyes and hair types. Hispanic people? They’re even whiter. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about this language thing. Just because we don’t understand what someone’s saying don’t mean they’re not talking English.”

Towards the end of the interview, he startled questioners further, by admitting that he believes every man is actually a Kanye, and that every woman is a Kim.

“Don’t let them fool you with their fancy names for themselves. They’re Kims and Kanyes and don’t deserve to be treated differently.”

When asked where his daughter North fits in, he said, “Nori (North) is a unique construct. We have brought her into the world as a superhuman, and she cannot be measuerd in the same way as the rest of us. She is the first of many Norths.”

Rick Salomon Accuses Pamela Anderson of Eating Babies

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Acclaimed poker player Rick Salomon has outraged ex-wife Pamela Anderson, by telling news outlets that the model and actress eats babies. His allegations come just days after he received criticism for calling her a “serial baby-killer” referring to abortions she had had performed without his knowledge. Now he has taken the back-and-forth to a new, unprecedented level.

“Pamela has a serious problem,” he told to anyone who would listen. “She eats babies and there’s no stopping her. When we’d go out to restaurants, I’d have to keep her far away from the kiddies play zone, at least until she was full from appropriate food. But I often failed.”

He said that the former Baywatch star turned into a different person around babies.

“Her teeth get sharper somehow, and she roars like a psychopath. Then she sticks the baby’s head in her mouth and bites it right off, chewing through the skull like it’s nothing more than a piece of candy. Blood spurts out, it gets messy, but she does a good job of cleaning up by eating the whole body and licking the blood off her arms. She has ruined a few very expensive evening gowns.”

Mothers around the country have spoken up, confirming Salomon’s claims.

“Pamela ate my triplets,” said one distraught 32 year old. “She stuffed each into her mouth as the others looked on screaming, until they were all gone. It was traumatic for me, as I’ve always been a big fan of her work. Seeing her like that was the most difficult thing I’ve had to witness. Also, I was sort of bummed about my children.”

Anderson’s spokesperson, Layla Tov, responded by playing down the accusations.

“Pam, like everyone else, likes to eat a baby from time to time,” she said at a press conference she had convened. “But it’s nothing like Rick implied. She does it in moderation, and usually in private. Also, the babies are generally dead before she eats them. Only when she’s really hungry does she eat them live. And Rick knows he’s not innocent here. On their third date, he invited her over to his place for dinner, and cooked a gourmet meal made from parts of five different colored infants.”

Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC have given up on their controversial ‘Live Sex Project’, just three days into airing. The 24 hour reality series, which broadcast live from a gritty motel room, showed everyday people who had been screened by the network having raunchy sex. But the project hit a hitch when, unbeknownst to the other fornicator, a woman died in the middle of coitus.

“The poor guy had no idea, and just kept on fucking her,” reported Ellen Degeneres, one of the producers of the show. “All of a sudden, he realizes he’s committing necrophilia on live television. Afterwards I saw him compulsively washing his dick, as if that could remove the everlasting taint of dead pussy.”

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church have announced that they plan to attend the funeral, protesting any further broadcasts of this sort.

“She got what she deserved!” spat a crazy woman at our reporter. “The whore! Fucking on live television like there was no tomorrow. Well guess what? There is no tomorrow! God has shown his vengeance against immoral sluts.”

Dead rights group, The Dead Have Feelings Too (TDHFT), have however responded with condemnation of the media’s handling of the event.

“Everything is permissible these days,” said headless head of the organization, Lord Jackson. “Sex before marriage, homosexuality, in front of people – but dead people aren’t allowed to have sex. No, if the person is dead, it’s ‘sick’. It’s time we took a stand, and asserted our right to have intercourse, whether or not it’s broadcast on those fancy boxes.”

NBC executives are reportedly planning a new 24 hour show to replace the botched experiment. Anonymous sources say they have drawn inspiration from the proverbial cock up, and plan to start production on live visuals from a mausoleum, in which the doings of dead people will be broadcast.

“People want to see what goes on in deadville,” said one source. “They don’t know what it’s like to be locked up in that place. We think it’ll be quite a thriller.”

‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Will Have Darth Vader Reveal That He’s Also Luke’s Mother

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

A GALAXY, Far Far Away –

Although the original Star Wars trilogy revealed the fate of antagonist Darth Vader, and the prequel trilogy showed his extensive backstory, writers for the next episode of the franchise have hinted that flashbacks to Vader’s lifetime will reveal new and exciting information. One of the foremost reports states that Darth Vader reveals himself to Luke as, not only his father, but his mother as well.

“The interplay between Luke and Anakin Skywalker is some of the most classic cinema in our country’s history,” said Harry Mandable. “It’s vital that that returns in Disney’s take on the Star Wars universe. That’s why it’s encouraging to hear that Vader’s motherhood is examined in the next film. It is perhaps the only thing lacking from the original trilogy.”

Speculation indeed ran rife that Vader was Luke’s mother ever since the famous scene in which he tells Luke he is his father. Lukesmom.org, a fansite dedicated to the theory, explains that the backstory of Luke’s mother, Padme Amidala, is slightly blurry throughout. She is the secret wife of Anakin Skywalker, but that does not explain why neither Luke nor his sister Princess Leia do not have exactly the same eyes as her.

“If you watch all six movies very carefully, you see the occasional allusion to it,” said professional Star Wars analyst, Richie Prince. “For example, that time when Luke says, ‘My father, mother’ without saying and in between. And also, when Vader tells Luke that he is his father, he never says, ‘but not your mother’. So actually it’s pretty clear that something’s going on there.”

Creator of the franchise, George Lucas, has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors. Rather, he has stated that everyone should “calm the fuck down and wait for the movies. Jesus, it’s not like this is real life or anything. Vader is Luke’s mother if I decide one day that I want that to happen. That’s why it’s called a movie and not called something that’s happening on a distant star right now.”

Johnny Depp’s Next Role To Be As Oddball Actor Who Only Plays Weird, Dark Characters

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Dreamworks Pictures has announced that Johnny Depp has been cast in the leading role of their next, as yet unnamed, big production. The screenplay is said to focus on an oddball actor who only accepts roles of weird characters in dark storylines.

“I’m very excited that I’ve been chosen to play this part,” said the Edward Scissorhands star. “It’s not what I’m used to, and it gives me confidence that directors recognize my adaptability.”

The basic plotline follows Donald Jepson, from his beginnings as a young actor as he slowly develops and gets pigeonholed into a very specific niche. Initially, Don is a regular young adult. He plays for a mediocre band which is going nowhere, until he gets cast in an action-comedy tv series. But as he progresses, he starts wearing irritating hats, with equally annoying scarves everywhere he goes. People start to view him as pretentious.

A pattern emerges. It seems Don is into weird things. He plays quirky, deformed, evil, and occasionally clinically insane characters. He often teams up with a director who has the same interests, and whose wife is a benefactor of his nepotistic disposition.

Casting of the secondary characters is yet to be finalized, but according to an unnamed Dreamworks source, a woman “who looks vaguely like she could be from the middle ages and is as pigeonholed as [Depp’s] character” is wanted. When asked if he had any premonition as to who it would be, Depp told us that he was stumped.

“I don’t know any actresses who fit that description. I’ve never worked with anyone like that, and I don’t know where they’re going to find her. Maybe they should ask Russell Crowe – he starred alongside a good one in that French film.”

Kris Jenner Claims O.J. Simpson Is Kendall Jenner’s Real Father During Emotional Interview

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

While being interviewed on the entertainment based syndicated radio program ‘Star Power’ on 109.9 WKPC in Los Angeles, superstar reality television mother Kris Jenner, 59, dropped a stunning bombshell on listeners yesterday evening when she publicly announced that O.J. Simpson was Kendall Jenner’s real father.

Simpson’s name came up while discussing the bizarre behavior and impending sex-change of her ex-husband Bruce Jenner. Kris said she had befriended Simpson while her now deceased ex-husband, Robert Kardashian, was defending the former NFL star turned actor in his murder trial.

“Just do the math,” Jenner told talk show host Marcus Hardin. “The trial took place from November 1994 to October 1995. Kendall was born November 3rd of 1995. Robert (Kardashian) and I had been in a good point in our relationship because I knew he needed the support of Kim, Khloe, and myself during such a high-profile trial.”

“Whenever we had the chance we would all meet up for dinner. One night he took us all to meet O.J. while he was in jail, he had a lot of pull there, and they gave us two rooms to privately meet with O.J. so that Robert could speak with him about the case in the other room. Well, Robert being the great guy he was, noticed that O.J. and I had really hit it off and suggested we take some time to speak alone in the other room, and that is when we had sex during a moment of passion. O.J. was sad, depressed and desperate for attention and I had been a big fan of his. It just happened.”

Jenner said that it was something she regrets, mostly because she hates criminals like O.J.

“Bruce and I were not having sex at all, we hadn’t had sex since 1992 in fact. Anyway, I got pregnant with Kendall. I have never told anyone this before, I hope she doesn’t hate me after this.” Jenner stated in a state of uncertainty.