Ranting ‘Bible Thumper’ Assaulted In Target During Transgender Bathroom Protest

Posted on May 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SMITHSON, North Carolina –

Hilary Thibodaux, 49, was assaulted when she attempted to preach to shoppers and employees about the evils of Target’s gender-neutral bathroom policy. Thibodaux was upset about a recent Target statement that said, “We welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity.”

The mother of 12 marched through Target, waving her bible around and yelling at anyone who will listen while her family followed dutifully behind her. An unidentified woman thought she would knock some sense into Thibodaux, first throwing her bag of popcorn at the woman and then ramming her with her shopping cart. Seeing the size of Thibodaux’s family she backed down, abandoned the shopping cart and fled.

Witness Keli Danton says watched the events unfold.

“I was like, ‘who this crazy bible-thumper ranting and raving about what now?’ We live in small town North Carolina, honey. There aint never been a transgender in this Target. Why she preachin’ here?” said Danton. “I laughed when that crazy fat woman threw her popcorn at her. She shouldn’t have tried to plow her down with her basket though. That aint right. Even if she deserved it, that aint right. Good thing she got out of there. That bitch’s sons would have brought down the fury of the Lord on her ass.”

Spa Accident Ruins Woman’s Face

Posted on May 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHARDSON, Georgia –

Laysha Ward is speaking out after a spa accident ruined her face. After her mani-pedi she opted for a microdermabrasion (or natural enzyme peel) face and eye collagen mask and décolleté treatment at the recommendation of a spa employee. Ward says, “She said the treatment would deliver visible results. Well I’ll say it did.”

Ward has now started a campaign to warn people about the dangers of routine spa treatments. Friends have started a GoFundMe page, as the only good thing about a personal tragedy is squeezing sympathy money from family, friends, and strangers on the internet.

“My face is just absolutely ruined. My skin is dryer than it gets in the middle of winter. I have a date this Friday and there is no way my t-zone will recover.” While there will be no permanent disfigurement, Ward says the event was very traumatic. “I will never feel safe at the spa again. I also now have a fear of makeup counters and bukaki bars. All those perfect days I had ahead of me. That’s all over now.”

Dermatologist Jessica Toothman supports Wards campaign to warn people of the frequently overlooked risks that come with a day of pampering. “There’s just no guarantee you aren’t going to get your face burned off. Even is spas aren’t buying cheap abrasive chemicals from China, there’s always the chance you’ll be the unlucky one that has a bad reaction. Women have come to me looking like moldy watermelon after a facial. My advice is leave it at the massage.”

Convicted Murderer Says He ‘Wasn’t Beaten Enough’ As A Child

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire

John Whitie, convicted of brutally murdering Bernadette Serra, a seventy year old woman, says the problem is that he was not disciplined as a child. He says if his father would have put the fear of God into him, he would have been a good person.

Whitie, 43, beat Mrs. Serra to death during the course of a home invasion. Even though the frail woman had already turned over her prescription pills, food stamp card, and spare change, Whitie knocked her unconscious with a cast iron door stop, striking her at least five times. He then preceded to place her body under her gigantic box TV and stage the scene so that it looked like it the television had fallen on her.

“My dad was a pussy. Never stood up to me. If they woulda just whipped me right as a kid, I wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Faced with a life sentence, Whitie regrets he cannot be a good father to his own son. “It’s too bad I ain’t out so I can whip him into a decent man. “

Woman In Kansas Becomes Last In Country To Use Dial-Up Internet Service

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ROGERS, Kansas –

Maryanne Richards is not new to the world wide web. In fact, she’s had a computer with internet access in her home since December of 1998, when her brother gave her his old Dell for Christmas and signed her up for NetZero, an internet service provider who used to offer free dial-up internet service to its customers.

The thing about Richards, though, is that since 1998 she has been using that same Dell laptop and her same free NetZero dial-up subscription. While everyone else has upgraded to high-speed internet through cable or telephone providers, Ms. Richards says she has no reason to “speed through the web.”

“I’ve never been a woman who needed to get where she was going lightning fast. I am too old now, especially, and too set in my ways to worry about upgrading and fast speed interwebs and the ePads and the smartyphones, and all that nonsense.”

Richards was recently contacted by NetZero, who long ago switched to offering DSL based broadband internet, to let her know she was the last person on their network still using the antiquated dial-up system.

“They contact me every month or so, asking me to get into their new packages. I don’t wanna any of it. This dial-in service is all free, and I don’t mind the ads that pop up all the time. Usually they’re about pills I don’t need because I don’t need a bigger erection,” said Richards.

NetZero representatives say that are actually willing to offer to upgrade Richards to a new, faster service and keep her at the free monthly subscriber rate she’s had for the last 18 years. Plus, as a long-time customer they offered to gift her with a brand new Windows 10 laptop, but even to that Ms. Richards has passed.

“Nope, nope. Just let me be. Between you media people, the NetZero people, and my grandkids, I get enough hounding about my old technology. I don’t want to get anything new. Besides, why would they want to give me Windows number 8 when I’m already using Windows number 95?”

Woman Claims Defective Vibrator Got Her Pregnant

Posted on April 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GREENVALE, Georgia –

A young woman from Georgia claims she found herself pregnant after using a faulty vibrator. Kristy Richards, 28, claims she has fallen victim to a mechanical failure of the device that was recently bought off the internet.

“I was starting to use my new toy when it made a strange noise, and then it started shaking like crazy,” said Richards. “It felt like I had jackhammer between my legs! I managed to take it out just as it was spurting white goo all over the place. I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks later. Thankfully, actually, as my boyfriend is sterile and we were not able to have children otherwise.”

Anthony Richards, 30, admits he was devastated by the news at first, but is now happy with the situation.

“My first thought was that she had cheated on me, but when she told me that her vibrator was defective, I breathed a sigh of relief,” he told reporters. “We were not expecting this, but God obviously had different plans for us.”

The couple originally considered suing the manufacturer of the sex toy, but changed their minds when they realized that their every prayer had been answered by the defect.

“Of course we did not anticipate raising a child so soon into our relationship, so that’s a downfall. Plus, there are people in his family who want me to get a DNA test, because they still think I cheated. That’s dumb! I would never do such a thing. We all know it was the defective toy that got me pregnant.”

The couple say that they are “extremely relieved” that they no longer have to worry about expensive fertility treatments.

Red-Headed Teen Sues Parents, Blames Them For Being Bullied At School Because He’s A ‘Ginger’

Posted on April 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON, Nevada –

A 16-year-old teen has reportedly filed a lawsuit against his parents because he claims that their “faulty genetics” caused him to be born with red hair, and school bullies have been picking on him for years, calling him “soulless” and a “ginger.”

“If my parents hadn’t been weak, pathetic nerds, maybe they could have created someone who didn’t have pasty skin, freckles, and flaming red hair,” said Kyle Jones, who filed the lawsuit after partnering with a lawyer from the ACLU. “Both of my parents were losers in high school, they both have red hair, and they were both bullied for it, too. They should have known that I would also get bullied, and they should have not been allowed to have children.”

Jones says that he would rather have not been born than having to deal with the bullying that he’s endured for most of his life.

“Kids are mean, and because I’m a redhead, they’re more mean than they would be if I was a loser who had dark hair,” said Jones. “Hell, even the goth kids and the emo queers don’t get picked on as much as I do. They deserve to pay for creating me.”

Jones and his lawyers say they are seeking $4.4 million in damages for “emotional and mental abuse.”

Death Row Inmate Requests Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl For Last Meal

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PUTNAM, Florida –

The Florida Department of Corrections offers death row inmates the option of requesting a final meal on the day of the scheduled execution. Guidelines specify that food items must be purchased locally, and the cost cannot exceed $40.

Del Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, asked prison officials for something they had never seen before. He wrote down “Unlimited Pasta Bowl” as his last meal, the first request of its kind. “I love me some Olive Garden,” Berkley said. The meal only costs $29.99 at the local restaurant.

“I wasn’t sure it was something we could accommodate,” said Prison Warden Raymond Jeffries. “If the meal was never-ending, then we would never be able to do the actual killing of the inmate. It was an odd request, but we are required by law to fulfill it.”

Manager of the local Olive Garden, Ken Fisher, says that he welcomes Berkley to enjoy their never-ending pasta dish, and says that they are “overjoyed” that he has chosen their restaurant as their last meal.

The last meal’s monetary cap mentions nothing about off-site meals. “That’s something we should have thought about, looking back on it,” said Warden Jeffries. “Then of course, there’s the issue of finding people willing to eat their meal next to a convicted criminal, and the fact that we’d have to do a headcount once an hour. We’ll figure it out.”

The request was submitted to Florida Governor Rick Scott, who convened a special meeting with officials from the Florida Department of Corrections, members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and family members of Berkley’s victim -convenience store owner Martin Fales – killed during the 2008 robbery.

It is precisely because of this reason that many correctional institutions have done away with the last meal request for death row prison inmates.

Guinness Recognizes Man With ‘World’s Smallest Penis’

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A Miami man, Mike Carson, has been officially recognized by Guinness World Records for having the smallest penis. According to Carson and his doctors, his fully-functioning penis is only 1/16th of an inch, the smallest for a fully-grown, adult male.

“For a long time, I was very embarrassed by my penis, but now, I pretty much just go with it,” said Carson. “I’m 29 now, and I’ve had girls who have come up to me, after they found out about it, and said they ‘just had to try it out,’ so I can’t even tell you how many women I’ve been with because of it.”

Carson says that he was picked on in high school locker rooms for years, because most of his classmates thought he might actually be a girl.

“For a long time, it got so bad [the teasing] that I thought I might be a girl, too,” said Carson. “The guys would laugh at me, and tell me it looked like I had a big clit, and they are right, it totally does. But it’s okay, because a lot of those guys died since high school. Heroin is a hell of a drug, and I’m climbing the ranks at a Fortune 500 company, so hey, you win some, you lose some right?”

Carson says he takes his record with pride, and has “no desire” to have surgery to enlarge his penis.

Toddler Dies After Mother Uses Cell Phone In Emergency Room

Posted on April 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Georgia –

A 4-year-old girl who fell and broke her leg died on Monday after her mother took a selfie in the hospital ER. The signal from the cell phone, when turned on, caused the girl’s life support system to malfunction, which lead to her death.

29-year-old Kathy Simmons said she is “confused and upset” by the incident that killed her daughter.

“When I brought Joy in, she was okay, but she had fallen and broken her leg, and it required some minor surgery to repair the bone, so she was hooked to machines that could monitor her breathing and provide pain medicine,” said Simmons. “No one told me I couldn’t use my phone in a hospital, so how was I to know? I just wanted to cheer her up by taking a picture together. Then everything sparked and the machines started to smoke!”

Doctors told Simmons that the machine that was providing a steady drip of morphine to her daughter for pain surged, causing her to take an extreme amount of the drug all at once, killing her.

“People need to know that hospitals are no place for selfies, text messages, snapchats, or phone calls,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Joy’s doctor. “Little Joy would still be alive right now if only her mother had read the any of the hundreds of signs littered around the hospital advising people to not use their cell phones in the hospital. It’s a safety precaution, and a big one.”

Father Beats, Castrates Man Who He Says ‘Looked At Daughter In The Wrong Way’

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A Detroit man was arrested after he viciously beat and castrated a man who looked at his 16-year-old daughter while passing on the street. Carl Grover, 47, says that Mick Lowe, 19, deserved the attack, because he “checked out” his daughter.

“That sick bastard looked at my baby’s ass when we walked by on the street, and that ain’t no way to be acting around girls, especially my daughter,” said Grover. “Ain’t no one going to be thinking about putting their dick into my daughter, so ripped his off with my bare hands.”

Lowe, who is hospitalized and has already gone through 14 hours of extensive surgeries, is stable, but doctors say that his penis is completely gone, with no chance of being reattached.

“We have tried to make his penis a useable organ again, but the assailant was vicious in his attack, and tore it apart like a rabid dog,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a surgeon who has been treating Lowe. “It’s the most violent attack I believe I’ve ever seen.”

Lowe says that he never even noticed Grover or his daughter, until he was attacked from behind after he has passed them by.

“I definitely didn’t look at his daughter like he says,” claims Lowe. “I don’t normally go around checking out the backside of girls as I walk down the street. I mean, that isn’t typical of any gay man that I know.”