Dangerous New ‘Tongue Zipper’ Trend Rising In Popularity Amongst Teens

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

Parents, be warned! A dangerous new form of “tongue splitting” is becoming increasingly popular with teens, as more and more have their tongue split down the middle, and then have a zipper forcefully attached in its place.

Tongue splitting itself has been a fringe form of body modification for years, although often difficult to find safe environments for the operation to be performed. With many piercing shops refusing to do it out of severe medical issues that could arise, it was often something that needed to be performed by a plastic surgeon.

New techniques, though, have made it possible for many teens to do the “surgery” themselves, in the comfort of their own homes.

“Oh yeah man, it was pretty easy, actually,” said Joe Goldsmith, 16. “I pretty much just stole a pair of scissors from school, and I cut right down the middle of my friend Amanda’s tongue. No problem at all. It was a bit more of a bitch getting the blood out of my mom’s shag carpet, though. Then, we took a zipper of a pair of old jeans, and we kind of forced it into the open wound area. Once it was healed, she was good to go.”

Many body modification enthusiasts say that tongue splitting amongst teens is at an all-time high, especially now that they are performing the mod themselves in their own home.

“I waited until my stupid bitch mom passed out drunk like she does every night, and then I snuck out to have my tongue zippered at a friend’s house,” said Joanne Myers, 14. “My fat cow mother screamed when she saw it, but I think it’s bad ass, and my boyfriend loves it when I go down on him now.”

Parents are cautioned to not allow their children to play with sharp objects, knives, or scissors. If they have have pants with zippers, remove the zippers immediately and replace with velcro or button snaps to avoid possible misuse.

Mars Rover Sends Back Images Of What Appears To Be Man Walking Through Dunes

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

The Mars rover has reportedly uploaded pictures to the NASA servers from Mars that show a man walking in the distance behind a line of sand dunes. The internet has become abuzz with the photo, which they say is more indisputable proof of life on the planet.

“That is definitely, 100%, a living, walking, sentient being right there,” said internet sleuth and conspiracy theorist Joe Goldsmith. “You can easily tell that this isn’t Photoshopped, because for one, it came directly from NASA, and two, who would want to Photoshop a picture like this trying to prove life on another planet? Is that something people would do? Of course not. I’ve seen plenty of ‘shops in my day, and this is definitely not Photoshopped.”

NASA scientists are still working to uncover the mystery behind the ‘Walking Man,’ as they’re calling it, but so far, they have yet to come up with any solid ideas.

“It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibilty that it could be some sort of being, but it would be odd that this is the first walking, upright, man-like being that we’ve seen since the Rover has been on Mars,” said NASA scientist Dr. Richard Lewis. “I have no idea if this is a man, or Martian, as it were. It’s probably just another case of pareidolia.”

Pareidolia is the condition found in all humans that makes our brains apply known-items to abstract shapes, such as being able to see certain figures in clouds, or faces in random designs.

“We are hoping, very much, that this is some sort of life. That is the whole reason we went to Mars,” said Lewis. “We are trying to move the Rover closer to the area, to begin looking for clues such as footprints or other signs of life, but it is a time-consuming process, to be sure.”

Shocking: Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies Reportedly Made With Blood of Unborn Fetuses

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

The new rage at Wal-Mart in the last several weeks has been singer Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies, reportedly made from a recipe from LaBelle’s own kitchen. In a shocking discovery, though, it seems that some of the “natural ingredients” that are listed on the package include the blood of unborn or discarded fetuses.

“Frankly, we are shocked to learn that Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pies contain the blood of the innocent as part of the natural ingredients,” said Wal-Mart food supervisor Joe Goldsmith. “When Miss LaBelle approached us to sell her pies in our stores, we were definitely eager, as they are delicious, but we would have never consented had we known, fully, what they contained.”

LaBelle, for her part, seems to be unconcerned with the development, and says she has “no idea” why folks are getting so upset.

“I’ve been making my pies the same way for nearly 40 years, and it has always included a little fetal blood when I bake it,” said LaBelle. “It helps to give it a little extra kick, and makes the pie come out a nice, golden brown, with just some hints of reds and oranges in there. It’s an additive, not a main ingredient.”

Regardless of the ingredients, people are still flocking to their local Wal-Mart stores to purchase the pies, although most are still finding them out of stock.

“I’ve only been able to get my hands on one pie in the last 2 months since they became a hot commodity, and I had to pay 3 times the normal amount to a guy who was carrying one out of the store,” said sweet potato fan Mark Jones. “I honestly don’t care that they contain fetal blood – have you tried these damn things? They’re addicting as hell!

The FDA says that the “trace amounts” of discarded fetal blood that is in the pies is not enough to trigger a recall, and that the pies are approved for continued sale.

Half-Man, Half-Goat Creature Caught On Camera By Hunter In Kentucky

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

A hunter in Kentucky has reportedly captured the first picture of Goatman, a half-man, half-goat hybrid that was, until recently, thought to just be an urban legend. Many sightings have taken place in the last several weeks, with people reportedly seeing Goatman in Kentucky, Texas, and even Connecticut.

“I was walking through the woods behind my house, and I saw what I thought, at first, was a deer,” said aptly-named hunter Mark Hunter. “I was about to take aim, but he sort of ‘baah’d’ at me a bit, and then he stood up, and it was a stark-naked man with a long neck and a goat head. I was in shock. Thankfully I was wearing my GoPro, and I got the whole thing on camera.”

Hunter says that he assumed, initially, when reviewing the footage that it might be a man wearing some sort of severed goat head as a mask, but as he researched the Goatman, he became more and more convinced that it was real.

“Don’t take me for a fool – I don’t believe in Big Foot or Nessie or any of that jazz,” said Hunter. “But I tell you what I saw, and what I saw, and what I got on film, was a half-man, half-goat. This wasn’t a prank or a costume. This was real.”

Experts are reportedly researching Hunter’s footage to determine its authenticity.

Dumb Bitch Who Posts Picture Of Dog With Mouth Taped Shut Forced To Endure Same Punishment

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

Katie Brown, a stupid bitch who posted a picture of her dog with his mouth duct taped shut, along with the caption “This is what happens when you don’t shut up!!!” was arrested by police after the photo went viral, being shared on Facebook over a quarter of a million times, and prompting thousands of calls to local Daytona Beach police.

“We investigated, and despite her claims that she only taped the dog’s mouth for ’60 seconds’ or some such bullshit, we decided that we hated her, and that swift justice is the best justice,” said an anonymous policeman on the Daytona force. “So we snagged her up, hog-tied her, and wrapped a full roll of duct tape around her dumb, animal abusing, cunt mouth.”

Upon hearing that police had gotten involved, the internet immediately forgot how much they normally hate cops, and gave them much praise.

“I am so glad that our boys in blue took it upon themselves to treat this disgusting, haggard-looking bitch a lesson,” said Facebook user Jerome Myers. “There are certain things you don’t do in this world, and that’s hurt an animal. That poor dog deserves better, and I hope that any and all animals have been removed from that wrinkled twat’s home.”

Most people readily agree that any and all punishment that Katie Brown receives will be, frankly, not enough.

SHOCKING PHOTO: President Tries To Kill Stephen Hawking After Argument During White House Dinner

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama reportedly had to be pulled off of famed physicist Stephen Hawking after the two got into an altercation at the White House on Wednesday afternoon, say witnesses. According to other attendees, Obama and Hawking got into an argument about which movie was better, The Wiz or The Wizard of Oz.

“Everyone knows that President Obama is a massive fan of The Wiz,” said another guest at the dinner, who asked not to be named. “Somehow, when the topic of movies was brought up, Mr. Hawking began talking about his love of the character of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. As soon as he saw an opening, Obama, of course, brought up The Wiz. From there, all hell broke loose.”

Obama reportedly began lobbing insults at Hawking, calling him a “crippled piece of shit,” and a “movie snob” after Hawking begin talking about how terrible of a movie The Wiz is.

“It was pandemonium. The President actually jumped across the table and flung himself at Stephen, who of course could only yell electronically and blink his eyes in protest,” said another dinner guest. “The Secret Service had to pull President Obama off of poor Mr. Hawking. Sadly, I think they took him away and beat him up a little somewhere else, privately.”

No lawsuits have been filed, but attorneys for Stephen Hawking have a “serious case” against the president, as many witnesses saw the assault.

“Plus, everyone knows how bad The Wiz really is,” said attorney Joe Lean. “I can’t believe anyone would actually like that movie. No offense to the President, or anything.”

‘Anonymous’ Hackers Arrested In Sting Opperation

Posted on November 24, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A US Department of Justice and FBI sting of a group of apartments in downtown Boston yesterday yielded the arrests of a reported 24 members of the hacking group ‘Anonymous,’ who in this case, turned out to be anything but.

“Anonymous hackers have been bombarding Twitter with account information of supposed terrorists – whether they be ISIS or otherwise related – in hopes of having them [the accounts] removed,” said Federal Agent Richard Gill. “In those takedown requests, several members of the group left key information about their location, and we were able to track their whereabouts and make the arrest.”

Although support for Anonymous has been at an all-time high after the group declared war on terrorists who use the internet to coordinate their attacks and pass along information, the FBI and other government agencies still list Anonymous themselves as a terrorist group.

“Hackers penetrate and ravage delicate public and privately owned computer systems, infecting them with viruses, and stealing information for their own ends,” said Gill. “These people, they’re terrorists.”

With an estimated half a million people on the internet claiming to be part of Anonymous or an avid supporter of the group, the arrest of 24 people – aged 19 to 38 – seems small in the grand scheme of things, although Agent Gill says it’s a “great start.”

“Naturally we know that we will never be able to arrest every member of Anonymous, and even if we could, a new generation of tech-enthusiasts would pop up in their place, but we need to put a stop to hacking, as much as possible,” said Gill. “Maybe it’s a war we can’t win, but hey, we’ve been uselessly fighting the war on drugs for decades, so why not the war on hackers, too?”

9/11 Mastermind Escapes From Guantanamo Bay Prison, Country On High Alert

Posted on November 24, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba –

Although many people associate Osama Bin Laden as the “mastermind” behind the 9/11 attacks, another name may be slightly less recognized, although equally as important in the history of the crime: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Mohammed has been commonly referred to as the “principal architect” of the 9/11 attacks on the United States, and was arrested by the US government after confessing to his role at the end of 2003. Sources at Guantanamo are now saying, though, that Mohammed has escaped from prison, and that he is likely headed back to U.S. soil.

“During these times of violent terrorist attacks, which are happening more frequently throughout the world, many citizens of the United States are naturally very worried,” said Department of Justice spokesman Carl Reiner. “With the escape of Khalid Mohammed, they should be extremely worried, as despite his old, feeble, mind and tortured, weakened body from years of abuse in Guantanamo, he is still a terrorist mastermind, and we are all on high alert.”

According to the DOJ, Mohammed has “every intention” of continuing his reign of terror on the United States, as he was a confessed war criminal, responsible for the 9/11 attacks, the World Trade Center bombing, the Richard Reid shoe bombing, and many other crimes against the United States and other countries.

“He was facing the death penalty, and he knew it,” said Reiner. “He was appealing his conviction, but there was no way a group of American citizens, military or otherwise, would ever let him live. He was scared, and he ran. We cannot, at this time, discuss the circumstances surrounding his escape, but we caution that people should be on high alert, and watch out for anyone fitting Mohammed’s description.”

Khalid Mohammed is described as “looks like he’s an old, Muslim terrorist,” despite having been born in Kuwait and not being a Muslim.

“Frankly, we’re aware Americans can’t tell the difference between a real terrorist and the guy who runs their local 7-11, so just be aware, and be vigilant,” said Reiner.

Boy Finds Rare Stone In Backyard; Estimated To Be Worth $10M

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ASTONIA, California –

A boy who was playing in his sandbox in the backyard of the family home has just made a discovery of a lifetime. Alan Rodriguez, 5, was digging through the sand when he happened upon one of the world’s rarest gems, a small piece of Tornimite. The stone is estimated by geologists to be worth well over $10 million dollars.

“Tornimite is one of the most rare, and most collected stones on earth,” said geologist Mike Hardin. “Think of it this way – diamonds are precious, but not at all rare, yet sell for hundreds or even thousands. Tornimite is approximately 10,000 times more rare than a diamond. It’s what a diamond would buy if if was out shopping for an engagement ring.”

The stone, which measures little more than a 1/3 of an inch across, was almost initially discarded by the Rodriguez family, but on a whim Maria Rodriguez, Alan’s mother, looked it up on Google.

“I was astounded! It couldn’t be Tornomite, could it?” Maria said she had never previously heard of the stone, but that her research led her to believe that it was, indeed, an extremely rare find.

The Rodriguez family have entrusted the stone to a local bank, or have it stored away in their vault. An auction for the stone is being set up for December; experts say it could fetch as high as $15 million in an auction setting.

Syrian Refugees Announce They No Longer Want To Come To United States

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After hearing nothing but shit being spoken of them over the last several weeks, mostly be Republican puppets who do not understand world issues, the Syrian refugees seeking asylum have announced that they no longer wish to seek safety inside the United States.

“With all the crap that Republicans have said about us, with all the stupid things people like Donald Trump have mouthed off about, we have decided that we will no longer be looking to seek asylum in the United States,” said a spokesman for the group of refugees. “We do not want to be put into camps. We do not want to have to wear stupid symbols designating us as Christian or Muslims. None of that matters. None of that should matter. We just want to be safe, and we are beginning to realize that we’d be less safe in America than we would be staying in Syria.”

“I for one am glad them damn Moose-lums don’t wanna come to here no more,” said Texan Joey Goldsmith. “Them damn foreigners already be coming here, taking jobs, taking government handouts, and we can’t even fix our own damn problems. We got homeless vets on the streets for shit’s sake, and now you want to take in some Serbians or whatever? Goddamn Obama been the worst thing to happen to this country since World War 1.”

When reminded that there was also a World War 2 that greatly affected this country, Goldsmith admitted that he wasn’t aware of it.

“Shit, World War 1, 2, I don’t give a shit,” said Goldsmith. “Just keep them damn towel-heads out my damn country. If they come to Texas, I’ll shoot ’em on sight.”