Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

Posted on July 3, 2015 by DvanL

IRVING, Texas –

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark. “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees. Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code. When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon. Spit-spot! It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*). An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval. It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval. “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it! It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting. I like having my own code number – it’s neat. It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#). Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated. When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security? Can my tampon be hacked? Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall. No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain? Is there a risk of an electrical shock? Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm. You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!”

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval. “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped. Today, we’re much more open between the legs. Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning! There’s nowhere to go but up!”

New Drug Craze In Teens Poses Huge Risk; Kids Huffing Milk To Get High

Posted on July 3, 2015 by JP

SANTA ANA, California –

A new substance has become a hot topic issue in recent weeks, after a local mother found her son collapsed in his room under the influence of a new drug. While current well-known drugs such as Molly, marijuana, and Adderall have become a well-known way for teenagers to get high, new reports of a common household item being abused is now under investigation by the DEA.

According to reports, teens are now huffing milk to get high. A recent double-blind study shows that at least 73% of children between the age of 11-19 have admitted to having huffed milk at least one time. The street name for this deadly new trend is called “Cookie Monstering,” or sometimes simply “dipping the cookie.”

“It has to be the easiest way for a child to get high, and every nearly child can get his hand on some milk,” said Corey Wright, a DEA agent who has been tracking milk huffing for almost a year. “We initially received several reports from police stations of kids admitting they were huffing milk, but at first thought the children just didn’t want to admit to using other drugs. After a huge amount of complaints from parents though, we finally decided to give this ‘getting high on milk thing’ a closer look.”

Scientist Betsy Heffer explains that the extra hormones in milk give off a happy, elated feeling, and in a closed container being inhaled over and over again, milk can cause the same effects as the street drug Ecstasy.

“The more potent the milk, the stronger the high,” said Heffer in a recent statement. “Basically, if you buy only whole milk, your kids can get dangerously high. As you go down, to say 2%, 1%, or skim milk, the high becomes less intense, although it is still there. Certain flavored milks, like pre-bottled chocolate or coffee milks are the worst, though. They contain extra sugars, which when mixed with the added hormones in milk can cause a high unlike most any other drug kids can get.”

The DEA is requesting parents keep their milk locked up, and that they closely monitor their children during times of drinking milk or using it in cereals, oatmeals, etc.

Artist Paints Penises Around Homeless People to Get Them Noticed And ‘Fixed’

Posted on May 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Earlier this week, a British graffiti artist made headlines when he started drawing penises around potholes to force the municipal authorities’ hand in getting them fixed. The Manchester resident, who calls himself “Wanksy” after the famed artist named “Banksy”, explained that a pothole that had been left open for 8 months was filled within 48 hours of having the penis chalked around it. Now, a copycat artist is drawing penises around homeless people in New York.

Spanksy, the latest dick-pic vigilante is campaigning for the government to fix the homeless, many of whom have been there for years.

“It’s an important cause. These people are lying broken in our streets, waiting to be repaired, and the government does nothing,” said the mysterious Spanksy over the phone to a journalist from the New York Times. “I’m hoping now that they’re being made into works of penis art, the homeless will be fixed in record time.”

And Spanksy’s campaign seems to be working. At least 3 homeless men have been seen to in the 24 hours that he’s been vandalising the streets around them.

“There’s a particular alleyway off 49th Street which is home to a large amount of bums,” said social activist Martin Jenkins. “That area has been hit hard by Spanksy, using those bums to make crude penis drawings. Wow, there’s actually a certain poetry, a symmetry, in that.”

The anonymous artist says he’s going nowhere until all the homeless in New York are fixed.

“It’s a hazardous world out here. Walking along the pavements, it’s easy to scuff your foot into a tramp and trip and hurt yourself. They’re all along the major walkways, and there’s nothing being done about them. I’m out to make a difference. Like the potholes in Manchester, the homeless in New York will soon be filled.”

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

Posted on May 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Fox News has announced a shock merger with Comedy Central, saying that the comedy channel gets most of their laughs out of Fox anyway. For years, Jon Stewart’s Daily Show has been using gaffes from the right-wing news outlet as satire, and many of the sitcoms also get their ridiculous situations from real events which have happened on the Fox News set, leading to them being considered Comedy Central’s “feeder” channel.

“We are very pleased that this partnership will finally be made official,” Fox News CEO Roger Ailes wrote in a press release. “There’s been a lot of speculation over the years, and a lot of hurt feelings when our channels have been at odds – especially when Comedy Central has not credited our reporters for their content. Now those differences can finally be put to rest.”

Jon Stewart, who has based much of his show on blasting Fox News’s biased coverage, has responded to the news by expressing his disappointed that this is only happening now that he is leaving.

“I have had some fun times working with the clowns from Fox News,” he said soberly on his Daily Show. “Many of the best episodes involved in-house interviews with characters like Bill O’Reilly. I feel I’ve really missed out.”

Doug Herzog, the president of Viacom Media Networks who own Comedy Central, expressed his delight at the long-awaited merger.

“It’s been a dream of ours for many years,” he said. “Operations will be much smoother now that our biggest allies are openly working on our side. Both Fox News and Comedy Central will maintain a level of separateness, but now fake news such as The Daily Show will be part of the Fox News branch, and Fox and Friends, which doesn’t even pretend to be news, will be part of the Comedy Central branch.”

Stephen Hawking Allegedly Seen Walking In Secret Security Footage

Posted on May 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

World-renowned physicist and one of the smartest men in the world, Stephen Hawking, who has been in a wheelchair for most of his life, suffering from ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, was reportedly spotted recently getting up from his wheelchair and casually walking across the room to a refridgerator, where he grabbed a bottle of beer, chugged it, and then returned to his chair.

“I saw the footage on camera, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Cambridge University security officer Phil Rogers. “I’ve known Mr. Hawking for years, and I just didn’t think it was possible. You know, though, I wouldn’t put it past his big brain to have come up with a cure for ALS years ago, but he stays in the chair now because it’s his gimmick. No doubt the ladies love it.”

An Oscar-nominated film was released last year based around the life of Hawking, titled The Theory of Everything. It chronicled his life as a young man, his loves, and his affliction with ALS that left him paralyzed completely. Hawking has been talking via computer for the better part of 3 decades.

“I think it’s possible he could be faking it, but I guess at this point, why would he do that?” said Dr. Grover Sentinel, a professor at Cambridge. “He could do anything he wants. He has one of, it not the most, brilliant mind that there is today. He understands things that no one living ever could. If he can walk, well – you know what, more power to him.”

For the moment, Hawking is remaining quiet about the possible existence of any footage showing him walking or moving on his own. When reached for comment, his publicist said that they would “not discuss such nonsense.”

Over-Filled House Collapses, Traps Hoarder Inside

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CANISTEO, New York –

Tim Barker, 55 was found crushed to death, in what was the living room of his two-story home. Two tons of wrestling memorabilia, ceramic kittens, cans of green beans, National Geographic magazines, bags of human feces, and other pieces of garbage were removed in attempt to rescue the man, who they believed to be trapped inside. More than 48 hours after neighbor’s reported the collapse, Barker’s body was found on his couch.

The coroner’s report says Barker was likely killed instantly, when the debris initially struck him.

Local housing code enforces says they did not know the structure had such extensive damage, it would’ve been condemned.

“Two years ago we received complaints about junk in the yard which Mr. Barker’s family promptly cleaned up. The first floor of the house was uncluttered, so there appeared to be no need for further inspection…

“We believe this year’s record snowfalls may have contributed to the collapse, stressing the structure past its capacity. There was so much junk up there, it’s a wonder this didn’t happen sooner.”

Local Jillian Beaudoin says, “This is a small town and nothing much ever happens. If anything we’re for that ‘living sign,’ but some trees planted to say Canisteo doesn’t attract many tourists.

“Now people are actually coming out here to take selfies in front of the house that caved in. It’s messed up how morbid people can be.”

Prenatal IQ Test Developed – Find Out How Smart (Or Dumb) Your Baby Will Be

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DUNEDIN, New Zealand –

What if you could tell how smart your baby would be while still in the womb? Doctors in New Zealand have begun administering prenatal tests that not only screen for chromosomal disorders like Downs Syndrome, but they can give expecting parents an idea how intelligent their baby is likely to be.

Louis Barnett, lead scientist behind the new test stresses the test is important so parents are aware their child has the predilection to be stupid as early as possible. “There’s always hope. It’s important to understand there are many factors that contribute to a person’s intellectual potential, and genes are only one. A person’s intelligence is affected by nurture, in the womb and throughout childhood. Even if the genetics aren’t the best, the right environment can maximize a child’s potential.

Our goal is ultimately to advance the technology so parents can tell as early as two months.”

When asked whether they were concerned this type of testing would lead to more parents selecting to abort less than perfect embryos, Barnett replied that he is pro-choice. “If a woman decides to abort the dummy before it’s too late, that should be her choice. Ethically, doctors would not sway patients one way or the other.”

Teams of pro-choice advocates in the US hope this technology will be helpful in developing tests to detect Republicans in the womb.

Foster Parents ‘Rent Out’ Child In Exchange For Crack

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

Think you had bad parents? Reggie and Amanda Knowlton have been charged with criminal neglect and child endangerment after allegedly “renting” there foster child, whose name has not been released, to settle drug debt.

Although neither party has commented, the pair allegedly alerted police when their daughter had been missing for five days. Police became suspicious of their involvement in the kidnapping when the couple admitted the girl had gone with her “uncle Larry” for a visit, days before, and that it had taken this long for them to file a missing persons report.

The twelve year old girl was recovered from Larry Cosley’s van, when local police happened upon his vehicle in an abandoned lot. Officer Brown says the girl is receiving medical care for the alleged rape. “She’s still in shock. Cosley did not admit to any crimes involving the girl, but when crack cocaine was discovered, he did admit to holding the girl as collateral until he was paid.”

Text messages tell a different story. The Knowltons appear to have agreed to trade her for one night to settle past debt. They then agreed to let her stay another night if she would be returned the next day with “an eight ball” of cocaine.

Boston Bomber Sentenced To 30 Days Public Service For His Part In Grisly Attacks

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 21-year-old who was convicted earlier this month on 30 charges in relation to the 2013 massacre at the Boston Marathon, was sentenced today to 30 days public service and ordered to remain under house arrest during that time.

“We feel today that justice really did prevail,” said Tsarnaev’s lawyer, Jim Clarke. “Yes, this young man was responsible for some heinous attacks on a cherished event and on the American people as a whole, but today, this jury stood up and said that they would no longer stand for over-reaching punishment. They gave him the sentence that we, on his defense team, feel he deserved.”

Tsarnaev was seen in photos smiling after the sentencing was read aloud in the courtroom – a sentence that came with several outbursts from spectators inside the building.

“This is some serious, serious bullshit,” said Mark Devers, a participant in the 2013 Boston Marathon who was nearing the finish line when the explosion occurred, although was not injured. “What he did was monstrous, and he should have gotten the death penalty. My God, we have people in jail for life right now for growing and smoking weed, but we can’t put a violent mass murdered in the chair? This country has gone to hell.”

“That’s exactly the problem at hand,” said Clarke. “The judicial system is a mess, and we have overcrowding and overpopulation in our prisons. Too many men and women are locked up for extended periods of time for crimes that warrant much softer sentencing. This was a massive victory not only for Mr. Tsarnaev, but also for the judicial system and the criminal court system as a whole.”

Tsarnaev is scheduled to be released from prison May 1st, and is ordered to remain under house arrest while he carries out his public service duties.

Death Row Inmate Who Escaped From Prison In 1947 Found, Executed

Posted on May 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HARLAN, Texas –

Greg Ferguson was 26 when he was sentenced to death for the murder of his brother and sister-in-law, and was sent to a federal correctional facility just outside of Harlan, Texas. That was in 1946. In 1947, Ferguson successfully escaped from prison, and had been on the run ever since.

Last month, authorities in Dallas arrested Ferguson, who is now 95-years-old, as he sat drinking coffee in a small diner. The waitress serving him said that he had been coming into the diner every morning for as long as she could remember.

“I can’t believe that nice old man was an escaped convict!” said Marissa Fuller, 28. “I’ve been waitressing here since high school, and Mr. Ferguson was always so nice. He always left a good tip, and he always took his coffee with cream and sugar. Why, every killer I’ve ever met only drank their coffee black. Just goes to show you, I guess.”

Police say that they had received an anonymous tip that Ferguson may still be residing in Texas, and that he had been seen in Dallas.

“As it goes, Mr. Ferguson went with us very peacefully, and didn’t try and run,” said Police chief Mark Hamlin. “Of course, it would be hard for him to have run anyway, as he was barely able to stand on his old legs.”

Hamlin says that Ferguson was returned to a cell at the same correctional facility in which he was originally sent, and was executed a week later.

“We don’t screw around in Texas when it comes to killing people,” said Hamlin. “We missed out on our chance to fry this ol’ boy for the last damn near 70 years. As soon as we could, we put him down.”

Ferguson leaves behind a wife of 45 years, 3 sons, and 11 grandchildren – none of whom say they were aware that he was a violent killer.