Boston Medical Researchers Find That ‘Gayness’ Is Contagious

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Your grandparents were right after all: Being gay is apparently extremely contagious. The same Harvard Medical team that proved obesity and smoking can spread socially have released a new study that suggests being gay is equally spreadable.

Psychologist, Jean Bennett says, “It’s what people have been saying for years. Happiness is infectious. Mirror neurons are activated when we see other’s doing something. If they’re smiling, it’s likely we will smile back.”

Bennett warns, “It’s important to surround yourself with positive, happy people, and limit the time with Negative Nancies. Everyone wants to be gay, right? Your best bet it is surround yourself with gay people. Trust me, it will rub off.”

Gay rights activists deny these allegations, and say even if it were true, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Offended homosexual, Bert, told Empire News, “The world would be a better place if gayness was contagious. Think of the parties we’d have! Oh my God, it would be fabulous, I can’t even imagine. Sadly, this is complete and utter bologna though.”

Stephen Hawking Sex Tape Reportedly Leaked To Internet

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

It seems anyone can be an object of sexual desire, with fetishes ranging from watching morbidly obese people eat, to enjoying girls urinating on hairy backs. Now there is something even hotter making its way around the internet, as paralyzed physicist Stephen Hawking’s intimate sex tape has reportedly been leaked.

In the 20-minute video, Stephen’s classic computer voice rattles off a whole list of things he wants done to him while a group of extremely bored-looking girls perform various sexual acts, including grinding his paralyzed legs, sucking his toes, and burying his face between their breasts.

Although Hawking is not able to achieve an erection, there is a pronounced twinkle in the physicist’s eyes throughout the video.

A close friend of Stephen explains, “He’s still a man, even though he suffers from ALS, and he wasn’t always paralyzed. He knows what he’s missing, and some part of him wants a taste of it. Even though he is unable to feel, he is able to imagine the sensations. It’s amazing he has lived passed seventy in his condition, and at this point in his life, it’s time to live out his fantasies before it’s too late.”

Vivid Entertainment, known for releasing celebrity sex tapes, says that they have “absolutely no interest” in purchasing and releasing the Hawking sex tape, as it’s just “too out there,” for their regular customers.

Fallout Site At Chernobyl To Fully Open To Public

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine –

Officials in the Ukrainian government say that the time has come to officially open the doors to Chernobyl, the city that was largely abandoned after a meltdown in a nuclear reactor caused a massive radiation leak. The city, which has allowed tours in certain parts over the years, has mostly been locked down due to high levels of radiation.

“We have decided to allow people to return to the city to explore and enjoy,” said Mikhael Horowitz, a spokesman for the Ukrainian government. “Yes, the levels of radiation are still extremely high, even 30 years later. But, as we have found, many people will often separate from tour groups or sneak into restricted areas anyway, so why are we stopping anyone?”

Experts say that radiation levels closest to the reactors would still be at heights deemed unsafe, and that no one should be allowed to enter certain areas.

“I cannot believe they would allow people to enter into the inner parts of Pripyat,” said Dr. Marvin Jones. “Radiation levels, even now, are to the point that if you spent too much time in the area, you would most likely become sick, and probably even die, if you did not turn into some hideous creature or something first. It’s sick that they’d let people become bloodthirsty underground dwellers just to make a few bucks.”

Officials say that they need to send in a team to remove any rabid, radiated animals from the area first, and that the area will be opened again by the end of the year.

Dr. Oz Forced to Undergo All His Miracle Treatments

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television personality Dr Oz has come under fire over the years for constantly touting what he calls “miracle treatments” which have no scientific backing. The debate over his legitimacy has heated up recently, with many saying he is a fraud who advertises products under the guise of medical advice, betraying the trust of those who trust him with their health choices. Now activists have found an innovative way to test his commitment, with their insistence that he publicly tries a course of all of those so-called miracle treatments.

“He’s agreed to do it, but with a lot of reluctance,” said nurse and sceptic, Perennial Lopez. “I think he’s frantically trying to find a way out of this, because he knows what’s about to happen to his health and reputation.”

A list of some of the possibly bogus health claims he has made include miracle weight loss supplements, communicating with the dead, harnessing energy to face risky surgeries, homeopathic flu remedies, and brushing teeth with soda and baking powder.

Although these products and methods are unlikely to do Dr Oz any real damage on their own, together we may see the controversial figure fighting for his sanity, if not his physical health.

“He’ll be undergoing surgery, so that we can see if harnessing energy really helps,” said Lopez. “We’re going to give him the latest strain of flu, and make him take that homeopathic bullshit. Then, he’s gonna try lose weight.”

Dr Oz could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson says that he “is not concerned at all. Mehmet [Oz] is a trustworthy individual who would never promote anything unsafe or ineffective. Well, ineffective maybe, but definitely not unsafe. Definitely. Some products which have been deemed unsafe were never really marketed by him in the first place. He just told the public about them so that they could make up their own minds.”

Ferguson, Missouri: ‘Well, At Least It’s Not Us Burning Again’

Posted on May 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FERGUSON, Missouri –

As the city of Baltimore is slowly destroyed by looters, vandals, idiots, and thieves looking for a quick score, many people throughout the community of Ferguson, Missouri, say that they are just “extremely glad” that it’s not happening to them again.

“Everyone knows that the riots have nothing to do with this or that black kid getting killed by the cops,” said Joanne Reynolds, of Ferguson. “It’s about getting a free TV or that new weave. Racial injustice is the last thing on the mind of anyone who is out there grabbing a new Macbook as they burn down the Apple store.”

“Honestly, I’m just really glad that some other city is burning and it’s not happening to us again,” said Rick Hardon, also of Ferguson. “It was crazy that shit that happened here, but you know, we’re rebuilding our community. Baltimore will, too.”

Not everyone in Ferguson is happy that another city is slowly being destroyed, though.

“It’s an outrage, seriously, just insane!” said Jamal Clemens. “I really want there to be another death at the hands of police, because I only got me one TV and a PS4 last time we had them riots. But all my bros got the Xbox One, so I gotta get one of them. I ain’t got shit for money, though, so I gotta loot and shit. Freddie Grey was a loser and drug dealer and a plague on his community. Ain’t no one really giving a shit that he’s dead, are they? Hell no. They trying to get free stuff! We gotta have that happen again here in the Ferg.”

Chinese Road Crew Cook, Eat Dinosaur Eggs Unearthed During Construction

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HEYUAN, China –

A group of road workers in Heyuan, China unearthed a section of cement that had several fossilized dinosaur eggs in it yesterday, and reports indicate that they used the eggs as part of a giant feast and celebration they were having for completing the new section of road.

“We have been working on the road in Heyuan for many months, and we found the eggs on our last day working,” said crew supervisor Ho Lee. “We already had a large party planned for after work, with the entire crew meeting up for drinks and food. When we found the eggs, and there were 19 of them, we knew it was fate that we should eat them – as there were 19 of us working on the crew!”

Lee says that they photographed the eggs and gave several broken pieces to local researchers. The whole, unbroken eggs they took home to cook and eat.

“Mostly, they tasted like chicken when fried like a normal egg,” said Lee. “It was surprising how good they were after millions of years. We are not sure the breed of dinosaur that was inside, but if it was a T-Rex, I will be very happy!”

Heyuan has been called the “Land of the Dinosaurs,” after more than 17,000 fragments and fossils have been found in the area since 1996.

Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BERLIN, New Hampshire –

A previously unseen painting that has been confirmed to be by Leonardo Da Vinci was recently found in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic in Berlin, New Hampshire. The painting, which had apparently hung in the clinic for many years, was thrown away after falling from the wall and the frame cracking in the process.

“We certainly didn’t know what it was when we threw it away,” said abortionist Dr. Rachel Cline. “If we had, we would have sold it years ago, instead of keeping it on the wall for sad, pregnant teen moms to look at while waiting for their lives to change forever.”

The painting was purchased at a garage sale by Dr. Cline in 1997, at a local home, but says she’s forgotten exactly where. She said it had hung in her clinic for the better part of 20 years before she tossed it after a large truck driving by shook it off the wall. As luck would have it though, a homeless resident of Berlin saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and pulled it out.

“Before I took up my crack habit, I was a world-renowned scholar and professor of art history,” said vagrant Sonny Encher. “I saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and it looked so much like a Da Vinci, I had to check it out.”

Encher toook the painting to a former colleague who, along with a team of art history professors and researchers, confirmed it to be an original, long-lost painting by the world-famous artist.

“I don’t know who gets the money for this painting when it sells,” said Encher, “But I better be getting a damn cut of it. They threw it out, I saved it, and it’s worth probably $6 or $7 million. I could certainly use more crack, and that would help a lot.”

Currently, the artwork is being restored by a professional team, and is expected to be put up for sale at auction through Sotheby’s, with an expected fetch of $7+ million. No word on how the painting ended up in New Hampshire, or who owned the painting originally.

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

Several states throughout the southern part of the country, including Texas, Kentucky, and Alabama, are considering passing laws that will legalize the violent murders of African-Americans by policemen and women, to help ‘better serve’ the officers, who many legislators are saying have a job that is tough enough without worrying about possible arrest and conviction themselves.

“There have been several high-profile arrests and trials of white police officers over the last several years after they have been accused of killing ‘innocent’ black men in the streets,” said congressman Vinnie Relso (R-Texas). “I brought forth these new laws, new concepts, because I want our men and women in blue to feel safe. Safe on the streets, safe in their jobs, and safe from prosecution from having to use their weapons in the line of duty.”

Relso says that he has garnered much support from other members of congress, as well as constituents in his home state of Texas.

“Oh hell yes, I don’t see a problem at all with killing a couple gang-banging spooks once in a while,” said Austin resident Gil Myers. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have gangs. We sure as shit didn’t have blacks. Now Austin is a violent city full of violent criminals. I don’t carry if a black kid’s got a gun or not when he’s walking down the street. If a police officer wants him to stop and answer some questions, there’s probably a reason. If the officer has to gun him down, shit, he probably had a reason, too. No harm, no foul.”

Many opponents of the proposed bill have stepped up to rally against Relso, who says he has received many death threats since the news first broke of his plans.

“To be honest, though, I don’t pay those threats any mind whatsoever,” said Relso. “As far as I’m concerned, all the emails are from well-to-do blackies and their well-to-do liberal friends, and they’ll never even attempt to say the same things to my face. Besides, everyone knows that no Democrat can fire a gun with an accuracy, anyway.”

Inventor Creates Car That Runs On Whole Milk

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURTON, Germany –

A german inventor has created a car with an engine that is capable of running on whole milk. David Mylehoff, 44, says that he created the car out of necessity, as gas prices have soared throughout Germany, while milk prices have remained low.

“Most people, they say it’s silly to have a car run on milk,” said Mylehoff. “In the United States, where gas and milk are mostly the same price, milk might be slightly higher even, sure – it’s silly. Here in Germany and in many other countries, milk is plentiful and gas is not. We are paying a high premium for our petrol.”

Mylehoff says that the process in which the car is able to power itself via milk is a secret one, but is something he hopes to patent to be able to then license to major car companies.

“Can you imagine if all cars could, theoretically, run on milk? It would be a marvel of the modern age,” said Mylehoff. “My hope is to be able to license my invention to people like Volkswagen, so they can create new cars of the future – the future of the dairy-driven automobile.”

So far, Volkswagen says they have not been pitched the milk engine, but would be open to the idea of a possible license.

“We definitely like innovation,” said VW spokesman Gerry Dresden. “We would be more than happy to meet with Mr. Mylehoff and hear about his great, new invention.”

Mylehoff says that he hopes that he can next figure a way to make a vehicle run on water, so that the world becomes less-reliant on oil. In the mean time, he is working closely with dairy farmers throughout Europe, the United States, and Canada, to fulfill what he anticipates will be a “heavy need” for milk in the near future.

Congress In Talks To Completely Abolish Age of Consent Laws Throughout Country

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congressman Fisher Lewis (D- Delaware) has brought a bill to Washington that seeks to completely abolish the age of consent laws, putting a federal mandate on states that would force them to remove any rules from the books – as well as setting free prisoners who have been locked up for statutory rape offenses.

“Basically, I think that these laws for age of consent are nonsense,” said Lewis. “I don’t understand why we are putting laws on the books that dictate when a person should be ready for sexual intercourse. No one can decide that. It’s just silly, and I hope to reverse these laws nation wide.”

Lewis says that he became very concerned about the laws after his son, Michael, 17, was brought up on charges of statutory rape for having consensual sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend, Carrie.

“Michale and Carrie have been dating since they were 11,” said Lewis. “Seriously – they’ve been inseparable for years. Both of our families used to joke they’d be together one day, and then married. Here it is, 6 years later, and yes, they’re having sex. Have been for awhile. Michael came to me right away and we spoke of it. I’ve even spoken to Carrie, and know it was all consensual, of course. But, her staunch republican parents don’t like the idea all of a sudden, and Michael was arrested. It broke them both into tears for days.”

Lewis says that in his state of Delaware, a crime was committed, as the age of consent for both men and women is 18 – but in many other states, it would be no big deal.

“If they had been in New Hampshire, for example, then there’d be no issue – the AOC there is 16 for boys and girls. Are kids in New Hampshire that much more advance than my kids in Delaware? What’s the problem with this scenario?” Asked Lewis.

It’s true that states have different laws deciding when the children in that state are legally old enough to make decisions about their own sex lives, but most parents agree that abolishing the laws completely is ridiculous.

“Why don’t they just make it the same in every state? 16 across the board? or 18 across the board – who cares?” asked concerned parent Tanya Morris of Virginia. “Frankly, abolishing it completely frightens me. What if my 11-year-old daughter hooks up with some sweet-talking 40-year-old. Sure, it could be ‘consensual,’ but my God, I don’t want her to turn out like me – pregnant at 12 and hooking in the streets!”

So far, Lewis is undeterred in his quest to abolish the laws.

“It’s not even just about Michael, whose name I was able to clear using my power in Congress,” said Lewis. “It’s making sure that kids everywhere are free to bang it out whenever they personally decide they’re ready without having the threat of prison and sex-offender tag hanging over their heads.”