Miami Coast Guard Rescues Hundreds of Dolphins Stranded in the Ocean

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

In a day hailed as the “peak of marine heroism,” the Miami coast guard has rescued hundreds of dolphins from the Atlantic Ocean. The majestic creatures were reportedly stranded there for an undetermined amount of time before their plight was spotted by an observant tourist on Sunday morning.

“These poor animals have been stuck in the sea longer than anyone we’ve rescued in the past,” said head of operations, Warren Bailey. “We attribute their survival to their well known ability to adapt to harsh conditions. They are the second smartest mammals on earth, after all.”

Trent Richman, the man who initially called attention to the dolphins’ plight, has been hailed as an “all-American hero.”

“Trent epitomizes our great nation’s values,” said Miami mayor, Tomas Pedro Regalado. “We’re hospitable to anyone in their time or need, American or foreign, human or animal.”

Richman himself played down his role in the rescue.

“Anyone else would have done the same,” he humbly told reporters. “Who could leave innocent beings to drown in this huge ocean? I saw them desperately jumping into the air for what they must have believed were their last breaths. I called the coast guard and they’re the ones who should be applauded for their quick response.”

Mayor Regalado is apparently doing everything in his power to find housing for the dolphins until they recover from their ordeal, which may have lasted years.

“Our hotels are filled up right now – this is a favorite city for vacations all year long. Also, due to their corpulence, they can’t fit in most citizens’ houses, so we have quite a dilemma on our hands. For now, we’re working hard to build tent cities for them to stay in, but with the huge amount of refugees on our hands, some of them will inevitably sleeping under the stars for the next few nights.”

At press time, the survivors were resting from the drama on the beach, out of reach of the projected tides. When asked for comments, their lack of response was likely due to their need to sleep off the exhaustion. They are, however, expected to be up and running within the next few hours.

Taco Bell To Begin Serving Alcohol From Midnight To 2:00 AM At Participating Locations

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

IRVINE, California –

CEO of Taco Bell, Brian Niccol announced earlier today that the franchise will begin offering cold, alcoholic beverages to customers 21 years of age and older between the hours of 12:00 midnight – 2:00 AM in drive-thrus at participating locations.

The announcement marks an unprecedented marketing strategy in the world of fast food giants. “We at Taco Bell know that a good majority of Taco Bell craving customers between the hours of midnight and 2:00 AM are indeed bar-hopping twenty-and thirty-something year-old alcohol consuming citizens who want a quick bite during drinking sessions,” Niccol said. “Available May 1, 2015, Taco Bell will begin offering Budweiser and Bud Light beer, as well as frozen margaritas. We are very excited about this long over-due venture.”

Many college going co-eds and hipsters are very intrigued about the news. However, members of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) are outraged at the announcement, and are asking the American public to boycott the franchise. Mary Jane Weedman, one of M.A.D.D.’s most recognized spokeswomen in Denver, Colorado, says that alcohol should never be offered in any drive-thru location.

“This is simply not a very well thought out plan, we could understand offering customers good quality marijuana, but not ice cold beer and margaritas, this is totally unacceptable,” Weedman said.

Blake Mitchell, a freshman at Colorado State University disagrees. “Dude, I think it is totally legit!” the aspiring hip-hop artist stated. “I mean like, sometimes when you are trying to maintain that buzz and have to go grab a bite to eat, it is totally inconvenient, you know what I’m saying? This way we can grab a cold brew and a few chalupas and be on our way. I paid good money for a fake I.D., so I’m like stoked!” Mitchell said. “Plus, I heard Taco Bell is also going to have some, like, gooey Cap ‘N’ Crunch dessert balls thing, so they are definitely going to be getting a lot more of my money from now on.”

Muslim Man Creating Long Lines At TSA Security Check Must be a Member of ISIS

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK, New York –

Reports emerging from one of the queues at JFK Airport suggest that the Muslim man responsible for the current delay must be a member of ISIS. Although no weapons, flags, or other indications of allegiance to a terror cell can be seen on him, he is being searched for the third time, with contents of his hand luggage being laid out on the desk after passing through the scanner with no clear problems.

“I’m almost certain I’ve seen his face before,” says Angela Mason, 45. “He must have been on the news or something. That big beard and turban do not cry innocence.”

Other commuters are less certain, but all acquiesce that he must prove his loyalty to America before he is allowed on their flight.

“I’m not saying he’s a terrorist or anything,” says businessman Wayne Parnell, 53. “But would you be comfortable sitting next to him on a plane? Nope, didn’t think so.”

Sources insist it’s only a matter of time before ISIS or another Islamic extremist group claims responsibility for the delay.

“Frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t heard anything from them as yet,” political analyst, Steven Rockstead. “Usually they’re quick to jump on the bandwagon, to increase their publicity and try to display their power. Here, however, no videos admitting guilt have been released online, which may just mean that this obvious terrorist must have something else lined up.”

As of press time, officials are allowing the ISIS member to board the plane, although without his shoes, turban, robe or underwear, where he may have been hiding some undetected weapon. His beard and hair have all been shaved off as well, in case he could be carrying a tiny knife in there.

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Business magnate and celebrity, Donald Trump, is in the process of donating nearly all of his wealth to cancer research. The billionaire’s estate is known to be associated with many charity organizations, but Trump seems to have a personal sympathy for this cause.

“It’s long been his dream to find a cure for cancer,” said daughter Ivanka. “He cares so much for all those poor, hideous people going through the rigors of chemotherapy.”

Other, more cynical commentators have however shed doubt on the purity of his actions. One of the major critics is son, Donald Jr.

“Dad would never give his money away for no reason,” young Donald said. “He has some sort of smart business plan, that’s going to make me… I mean him… lots more money. He has to, doesn’t he?”

Much of the conservative community has agreed with Trump Jr. Their argument is that “Donald typifies the ideal capitalist. He ruthlessly makes as much money as possible, uses it philanthropically when it will serve to make him more money, and never gives anything away for free. He embodies the values on which America was founded. If you give people handouts, they’ll never learn to take care of themselves. Cancer patients are no exception. It’s because of all the charity they get from liberals that you never see the dying victims themselves sitting in labs researching. They’re so entitled already.”

Trump, however, is not budging on the insistence of his pure motives.

“This is charity, plain and simple,” he announced at the American Association for Cancer Research (AARC) annual fundraiser. “All I want is for our esteemed biologists and doctors to come up with a way to relieve the torments of cancer. Especially the hair loss factor, and the pasty white skin. If they can just find a way to cure those symptoms, a lot of people’s lives will be vastly improved. I know mine will.”

Obama Confesses Dirty Secret: ‘I Had Sex With Michelle’

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The political arena of the US has again been rocked by a sex scandal, this time at the highest level. Speculation has given way to fact, as President Barack Obama today confessed that he has had sex with first lady Michelle – on multiple occasions. Yet, unlike with former President Bill Clinton’s misbehavior, Obama does not appear to be abashed in the slightest, leading to criticism from conservatives around the nation.

“I’ve been sleeping with Michelle for years now,” wrote the president in a long, tedious series of twitter posts. “23 years in fact. Long before I was voted in to run this country. Long before Michelle was voted in as First Lady. Even before I was in office in Illinois. We’ve had intercourse so many times. I lost count long ago. We’re both really good at it. That is why we keep doing it. As an amoral liberal, I believe that there is nothing wrong with the president and the first lady sleeping together.”

Conservative senator and possible 2016 presidential candidate, Rand Paul, has reacted with fury at the president’s remarks.

“This is what happens when you’re too left wing!” he shouted to loud applause while visiting in Des Moines. “Suddenly it’s alright to have all kinds of disgusting affairs. It doesn’t matter that you’re a role model to the nation. Who cares? Why not have the time of your life?” the Kentucky politician scoffed.

Other critics were more concerned about issues closer to home.

“What about the children?” asked former congresswoman Michele Bachmann. “Natasha and Malia Ann will be devastated at the news that their parents have carried out such an illicit affair. It’s appalling.”

Natasha Obama, however, was more forgiving.

“Mom and Dad have been living together for a long time,” she wrote on her blog. “When you’re in such close proximity, stuff happens. It really comes as no surprise to me. Two attractive people sleeping in the same bed inevitably have sex. I watched that movie with Sandra Bullock – The Proposal I think it was called. Those two even ended up getting married.”

Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SUBOTICA, Serbia –

The Mangalitsa has long been considered a poor attempt at a hoax, with pictures of the strange “woolly pigs” dismissed by zoologists as poor manipulations of photographs. But the existence of the rare breed has been confirmed by hikers in Serbia, having accidentally stumbled upon a large community of the species living peacefully in the country’s mountainous terrain.

“We were very surprised – pleasantly surprised – to find these strange creatures,” said expedition leader Harriet McCormack. “When we came across a high rise fence surrounding an arbitrary area close to our hiking route, we thought that previous hikers must have built a colony for themselves. Turns out, these reclusive animals constructed it in an attempt to keep out of the public eye.”

Reclusive is indeed the word for these majestic mammals. Reporters entered the Mangalitsa colony only to find the members unwilling to talk, only looking at them suspiciously.

“They had a resigned look on their fluffy faces,” said Jina Louisia. “Almost as if they knew this day would come. They stopped what they were doing and went into their houses, probably to spend some time with their families before we massacre them and eat their bacon.”

Late on Tuesday the leader of the settlement, Peggy McGee, released a statement to the press.

“We consider this invasion as an act of war,” it read. “We will do whatever it takes to fight further the human enemy, even if it anyway leads to our deaths. We will die heroically, rather than by the whims of your hateful species.”

The release ended on a positive note, however, saying that although the pigs “are wary of being betrayed as were the now extinct Mouflon sheep in the 1800s, we will welcome a peace deal. There must at least be measures in place so as not to find ourselves on the plates of obese American children.”

At press time, members of the colony were being docilely led en masse into a slaughterhouse, having been told they were simply to receive a haircut and shower.

Hulk Hogan Announces 2016 Presidential Run

Posted on February 24, 2015 by JP

CLEARWATER, Florida –

A wrestling icon will be attempting a new career path next year by seeking to become the next President of the United States of America. Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has announced today that he will be running for President in 2016, and plans on winning, brother.

“I’m sick of the way things are being done in this country, brother, and I believe it is high time I rip off this graphic t-shirt, throw on a suit and tie, and take these 24-inch Pythons to Washington, brother!” said Hogan. He went on to say that he will begin to tour the nation to help raise funds for his campaign, and feels his fans will back him on his decision.

“Listen hear brother! I’m going to be the best President this country has ever seen, brother. I’m going to bring this country to a standing ovation when they realize that a real man is in the office, brother. If a body builder can be the Govenor of California, there is no reason a wrestling icon can’t take the whole country, Brother.” said Hogan. “I am a real American, and I will fight for the rights of every man. I’ll fight for what’s right, I’ll fight for your lives, brother!”

Some political insiders say that they think the entire announcement was just a publicity stunt, and once Hogan gets the camera back on him, his attempts will fizzle away. Hogan, who has been retired from wrestling for years, still appears at main events from time to time for the WWE. He also was the star of his own reality show, Hogan Knows Best.

President Obama Invites Seth Rogen To White House To Be Fill-In President For A Week

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama has invited actor and comedian Seth Rogen to the White House to fill in for him as President of the United States for a week so that he can vacation with his family according to a statement released by White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

“The President and his administration has decided that he is in dire need of a family vacation,” Earnest said this morning. “There was a meeting of White House staff early yesterday in which a short-list was discussed for suitable fill-ins for the job for a week.” the press secretary added. “It was decided early on in the meeting that the Vice President was unable to fulfill the needs due to his commitment to a bowling tournament, ultimately it was determined that actor Seth Rogen was a great choice since he was an actor.”

Rogen accepted the role with honor and told Entertainment Today reporter Jasmine Archibald that he was excited to sit at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and make decisions on the Presidents behalf for a week. “Yeah I mean how hard can it be? All you have to do is sit back that and sign stuff all day and look good doing it, I’m sure I can smoke a couple joints and pull that off, let’s get real.” Rogen said.

Obama did admit that he personally chose the actor for the sole reason of upsetting North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. “I knew it would piss him (Jong-un) off, so I said lets do it, lets put Rogen in the chair,” Obama said.

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

AUSTIN, Texas –

In news that has rocked the nation, and in particular the Republican Party, former President George W. Bush has been diagnosed with autism. After classified documents detailing Bush’s childhood and development were released to lead psychiatrists, researchers were unanimous in naming the much-dreaded disease as the source of all of his idiosyncrasies and poor decision making abilities.

“I always suspected something of this kind,” said expert Chris Denio. “He is a very rigid, inflexible man. For example, his insistence on saying ‘nucular’ when he knew the term was ‘nuclear’. His oft-recognized kinship with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, with whom there is definitely something… off. His weird relationship with [former British Prime Minister] Tony Blair – they did a lot of strange things together, like the time they created a blanket fort, but they hardly ever spoke. In fact, Bush hardly ever speaks unless he’s been told what to say.”

Current Iraqi President Fuad Masum expressed outrage at what he called the “arrogance of America. They allowed a man with a deep-seated disorder ruin our country! It’s just like when they allowed an actor to escalate the Cold War. I mean, an actor! To make decisions which could have led to the end of the world as we know it! Bloody Americans. Pfff.”

Friends and family of the politician rallied to his defence, while admitting that Bush truly is autistic.

“It’s not his fault,” said wife Laura. “Blame his parents. They gave him those vaccinations. Besides, he’s high functioning. And he has a wife who’s been behind all his decisions and actions, making sure he never did anything irreversible. Well, okay, war in Iraq was pretty irreversible, but other than that, hardly any f***-ups!”

The former President himself, when reached for comment, simply stated, “I know the square root of 2403302. Do you?”

Born Again Christian Unsuccessfully Attempts to Assassinate President

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Secret Service agents are on high alert after an unsuccessful assassination attempt on Barack Obama. The perpetrator, identified as a man called Mark David Chapman, fired shots from a .38 revolver at the president and first lady outside the entrance of the White House. He was found sitting at the scene, reading J. D. Salinger’s acclaimed novel, The Catcher in the Rye.

Chapman was apparently muddled, but gave a statement to the police indicating his motivations for the attempted murder of the president.

“He said that he was more popular than Jesus,” said Chapman, seemingly referring to something Obama may have said at a private gathering. “He also said that he didn’t believe in God, or the Beatles. How could he say those things? It just made me so angry.”

Friends of Chapman say that he has been growing increasingly religious, having become a born again Christian in 2012. He was formerly infatuated with President Obama, but became angry when he perceived what he called “Obama’s hypocrisy.”

“He told us to imagine no possessions,” Chapman continued, referring to a song that Obama must have written and recorded in his youth, “and there he was, with millions of dollars and yachts and farms and country estates, laughing at people like me who had believed the lies and bought the records and built a big part of their lives around his music.”

The hypocrisy struck a nerve, especially as he lived by the credo of Holden Caulfield (the protagonist of The Catcher in the Rye), who hated “phonies and phoniness.”

The president released a statement, indicating that he had earlier signed an old school vinyl album that Chapman had for him, and that he “seemed strange, but not like he was going to kill me or anything.”

Photographer Paul Goresh took a photo of Obama signing Chapman’s album, which has gone viral on social media around the globe.