Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

America is mourning the passing of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, at the age of 82. The famous and pioneering astronaut died from health complications brought on by his 2012 death, bringing an end to the celebrated life of this true American pioneer.

His family released a statement, describing Armstrong as a reluctant American hero [who had] served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.

“While we mourn the loss of a very good man, we also celebrate his remarkable life and hope that it serves as an example to young people around the world to work hard to make their dreams come true, to be willing to explore and push the limits, and to selflessly serve a cause greater than themselves.”

The news triggered an outpouring of tributes to the man who took the first “small step” on the Earth’s lunar luminary.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” tweeted fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin. “In his 85 years on this planet, he managed to live 82 solar cycles, which is more than 96% of that time. That’s pretty darn good. Better than most at least.”

The interstellar traveller, who celebrated his 82nd birthday in August 2012, had previously stated that he intended to live forever, even if he did not manage any more years in that time. But friends say they saw his demise coming.

“When he died in 2012, we knew he wouldn’t last that much longer,” said old school friend Randy Haywood. “I mean, the projected life span after dying is usually six months to a year. He fought on for almost three years. That’s a darn good achievement, but like all men, his death finally killed him.”

An anonymous source informed news outlets that Armstrong’s family were to sue doctors treating him for negligence.

“You have to be very cautious when treating a dead man,” said the source. “These doctors weren’t. Although he lasted a remarkably long time, he could’ve lived for years longer, if not for his physician and surgeon’s inconsideration of his ailing condition.”

A trainee, who had regular contact with the lunar lander, was overheard saying that he was never the same after his body stopped working anyway.

Anti-Vaccine Law Passed By Congress Could Mean Jail Time For Millions Of Parents

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what has been hailed as the biggest victory for the anti-vaccination campaign, congress has passed a law that means parents who vaccinate their children could serve jail time. This comes as mounting evidence suggests that the preventative measures against fatal diseases could cause autism in children who are predisposed to the condition.

Over recent months, the campaign which seemed to have hit a lull, came roaring back to life, when the unverified research by hack Andrew Wakefield was pushed into the spotlight by reactionary mothers on the internet. The frantic and irresponsible parents got a further boost from renowned scientist Bill Maher’s assertion that “all those people who don’t think they can handle a little flu are total babies.”

The bill follows another important victory for campaigners, as January saw the reemergence of the all but forgotten measles, bringing further publicity to the previously denigrated group. Measles was thought to have been eliminated, but it could be the first of a long list of pre-vaccination favorites to reemerge.

“I’m hoping for diphtheria next,” said avid anti-vaxxer Mary Snucker. “I can’t wait to see my unimmunized children go blue and bleed from their precious little noses.”

Mother of five, Harriet Pentucky, said that if she had known of the risks, she would never have had her kids vaccinated. “It’s too late now,” she lamented, “and all of my children turned out okay. But to think of what I could’ve had to deal with! Yeah, polio sucks, but I’d take cripples over the autistics any day of the week.”

Republican Senator Rand Paul, who had late Tuesday contradicted his Monday statement that vaccines cause mental disorders, retracted once again, saying that the bill was a victory and that he was now on his way to de-immunize himself and his children.

“Besides,” he was overheard saying to a friend, “I’m too old to get all that mumps and rubella guff.”

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

“We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”

Studio Admits ‘American Sniper’ Is Propaganda Film; Movie Was Commissioned By U.S. Government

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Warner Bros. Entertainment, in an announcement that surprised no one, admitted Wednesday that their box office hit, American Sniper, was actually a poorly disguised propaganda film commissioned by the US government.

“We don’t see it as shameful to be promoting patriotism in our beloved country,” said CEO Kevin Tsujihara. “Chris Kyle is someone we can be proud of. He was a true American hero, one who was willing to give up all qualms over what is moral and good to mindlessly kill individuals his country told him were the baddies.”

Director Clint Eastwood, however, denied that he knew anything about government intervention.

“Propaganda?” he yelled. “What’s this propaganda?! To have pride in your country is propaganda?! To do what it takes to save the lives of American citizens is propaganda?! Those liberals will be the death of us all!”

According to military sources, conscription to the armed forces has rocketed since the release of the obvious glorification of American interests.

“Since the film’s release, we’ve seen a massive increase in young men and women signing up for the Navy. Millions of people, so that film is working. And it’s not just the poor and aimless who are choosing to fight any longer,” an anonymous source told news outlets. “Privileged rich boys are giving up their lives to do whatever the current authorities have deemed is necessary. It’s a pleasant break from what we’re used to.”

While President Obama, along with other Democrat leaders, has distanced himself from reports on government involvement, certain Republicans have come out in defense and praise of the film that received six Oscar nominations.

“In all my years,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, breathing heavily. “In all my years, I’ve never heard such anti-patriotism as is coming from the liberal left. American Sniper is itself an all-American victory. What others may call propaganda, I call spreading truth. What’s next? They’ll start calling Uncle Sam propaganda, that’s what’s next!”

Vanna White Fired From Wheel of Fortune After Roulette Scandal

Posted on February 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Producers of long-running game show Wheel Of Fortune are in crisis mode after being forced to fire presenter Vanna White after over thirty years of service. The shocking firing comes after footage was released of White in a casino, compulsively playing roulette.

“We appreciate Vanna’s 32 years with us,” said director Bob Cisneros. “However, her recent actions have compromised the production of this all-American favorite. The betrayal felt by viewers upon seeing her spinning around with other wheels is too great to be tolerated. It’s as if she is a wife who cheated on her husband, and her husband are the Wheel of Fortune viewers. She is no longer the loyal servant we once knew and loved.”

Harry Ray, owner of Monte Casino where White was caught on camera, has come out in support of the game show hostess, saying that her actions suggest a greater public shift in American optimism.

“The public have come to the realization that casinos are a better avenue in which to pursue the American dream. Where once you had to work hard to get onto exclusive game shows, now anyone can be a winner. From the lowest of the low, to those born to money, everyone has the potential to become the president of Gamblers Anonymous.”

A social media campaign has been initiated against Ray, with some claiming the whole thing was a publicity stunt, a set-up to promote his business.

“Cameras are never allowed in casinos,” said one Wheel of Fortune loyalist. “Why was Vanna being filmed in the first place, and how did the cameraman know she’d be there? Wake up, people. These are questions we all need to be asking.”

Vanna White could not be reached for comment, but a source close to her stated that she is experiencing great remorse, and insisting it was a one-off fling.

“Vanna loves the Wheel,” the source, on condition of anonymity, told reporters. “But everyone slips up. She was overcome by perfectly human feelings, and made a big mistake. Now she has to pay for it, but it shouldn’t mean the end of this relationship. She is going to fight tooth and nail to try get her position back. If not for herself, she’ll do it for the viewers, and she’ll do it for the love of those light-up letters.”

CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine’s Day Attacks On American Soil

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

CIA Director John Brennan warned today of that the CIA and Homeland Security have been picking up increasing terrorist chatter over the past several months. Director Brennan spoke of possible suicide bomber attacks in all 50 states, with all signs pointing towards attacks happening on Valentine’s Day.

“We are seeing a lot of internet terrorist activity, all pointing at major suicide bombing attacks on February 14th,” said Brennan. “All major cities should be on high alert, and on the lookout for suicide bombers. We are not sure why Valentine’s Day is being talked about specifically, as it has no significance in the Muslim world. The best we can figure out is that they know restaurants, movie theatres, and porno shops will be crowded, making them high value targets for the bombers. Wait, are there still porno shops around?”

Muslim gas station attendant, Mofak Aswad, said “It’s not easy being in America on Valentine’s day. There’s a lot pressure to have a date, or be with someone you love. It’s not easy for me, and I love America, I can only imagine how a lonely terrorist feels. Muhammad promises 72 virgins for those who kill in his name – oh, how I envy the suicide bombers, man those guys are going to get lucky!”

“If I wasn’t in jail, I would blow myself up, just so I wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s day,” said Gitmo detainee Haid D’Salaami. “I’m hoping Obama lets me go in time, because I can’t bare the thought of another lonely Valentine’s Day. I would gladly blow up myself and all you Godless infidels just to get my hands on those virgins the Prophet promises. Praise Allah!”

Russia Drops Nuclear Bomb On Ukraine, Warns U.S. May Be Next

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DONETSK, Ukraine –

Government officials in the Ukraine are confirming reports this morning that the Russian military has dropped a nuclear bomb just outside the city of Donetsk. The explosion, which was caught on film by several people located only 15 or 20 short miles from the blast site, has reportedly leveled an entire city.

“Strained relations with Russia, as separatists try to regain control of our government and join our country with the former Soviets, has caused issues for a long time,” said Ukrainian government spokesman Vasyl Borys. “At this time, we have no further comment on the matter except to confirm that a bomb was dropped near Donetsk, and that Russian military agents have claimed responsibility.”

A Russian military doctrine states that the country is only entitled to use nuclear weapons as a last resort, and normally only in retaliation for an attack, or impending attack, against the country.

“Frankly, our doctrine is straight der’mo. In English, just shit. Utter shit,” said Russian military general Vladmir Bulgakov. “I am not waiting for anyone to attack me. I will do what I want, when I want, and attack any country, at any time. Ukraine, China, Serbia, Germany…they are all just places that should be vyrovennyy, leveled. Indeed, United States is next target for Russian military. U.S. military, they are sukas. Bitches. I will make sure we crush them all.”

President Obama, who is on vacation in Jamaica with his family, could not be reached for immediate comment on the Russian threat. General Joe Goldsmith, of the United States Army, said that Russian forces were of “no real concern” to the United States at this time.

“Speaking on behalf of the United States Military, I’d just like to say that Russia, or any country that threatens us for that matter, can go straight to hell,” said General Goldsmith. “We have the strongest military in the world, and we don’t take any shit. They can drop all the nukes they want on the Ukraine. Hell, I didn’t even know the Ukraine was a real place until I heard the news. But trust me – no one is going to drop bombs on the United States.”

Michael Jackson’s Daughter Paris, 16, Confirms Pregnancy

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After much speculation, Michael Jackson’s 16 year old daughter, Paris, has confirmed that she is pregnant. The announcement comes in the wake of sightings of the teenage Jackson with a burgeoning belly, and recently raising a glass of water instead of wine during a dinner toast.

The child of the deceased singer stated that she had nothing to hide, and that teenage pregnancy is fine, as long as the parents are in love.

Regarding the father, Jackson made the shock announcement that Dr. Conrad Murray is the man who impregnated her. Murray was recently released from prison after 2 years for involuntary manslaughter in relation to the King of Pop’s death.

“I never knew Con while dad was alive,” said Paris. “While he was in prison, I went to speak to him, to find answers. It didn’t start out well. His first words to me were, ‘Hello Parise,” mispronouncing my name in a creepy tone of voice. After a while, he started to fascinate me. I saw the human being inside him.”

Prison authorities are now under pressure to explain how the underage Paris was permitted to sleep with the convict. Harold Pearson gave a press conference contradicting her admissions.

“Paris never entered the prison, let alone slept with the convict. Her words are the obvious delusions of a diseased mind. Such negligence would not occur in such a tightly run establishment. Besides, I’m a big fan of the King’s career. I treated Murray like shit while he was here.”

Despite Conrad Murray denying the accusation, Paris is sticking to her story.

“Of course he denies it. It’s statutory rape. But it happened, and I won’t be silent, as it’s a testament to how such good can come from a bad situation.”

Murray’s lawyer told sources that the doctor will be releasing a cover of the Michael Jackson hit, Billie Jean, replacing the titular character with the Paris’s name.

“He is the one,” Paris responded. “The kid, who I will be naming Comforter, is definitely his son.”

Man Sues Hooters After Server’s Cleavage Triggers Heart Attack

Posted on February 7, 2015 by ZGHarris

AUSTIN, Texas –

Local Austin resident Jason Rittlestone was rushed to the hospital after an acute cardiac arrest at a local Hooters franchise. Now, the Texan says he is suing the franchise, citing a female employee’s bust as the reason for the attack.

“My client was simply trying to enjoy a meal, while simultaneously enjoying the partially bare chests of the female servers,” said Attorney Arum Silverman. “This particular employee has such an ample chest that, quite frankly, there should be a warning given to anyone that is to be served by her.”

According to eye witnesses, Rittlestone was in the midst of his fourth helping of hot wings when a young waitress, Cindy Thompson, approached him. Witnesses say Rittlestone looked to be in a state of shock, then doubling over out of his chair and onto the floor. He remained there until EMTs arrived on the scene.

Franchise owner Steven Balderama stood by his employee, and his restaurant. “We take pride in who we hire here at Hooters. Ms. Thompson came to us looking for employment, and we felt her talents far exceeded the prerequisites for hiring. She did nothing to provoke Mr. Rittlestone’s condition. The girl doesn’t even wear a push-up bra, for crying out loud.”

When asked about the incident, Thompson replied, “I just came over to offer him a refill on tea. When I came to his table, he got all bug-eyed and red in the face. All of a sudden, he leaned forward with his hands out. I screamed and backed away because I thought he was trying to grab me.”

The suit is expected to begin within two weeks, and there is expected to be a hard-fought battle. Rittlestone is expected to make a full recovery from the heart attack, although doctors say the fractured jaw and ruptured testicle he sustained after his wife discovered the circumstances of the incident could take several months to fully heal.

Police Finding Suitcases Filled With Body Parts All Over San Francisco

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Police in San Francisco and surrounding cities are reporting gruesome findings of dismembered body parts left in suitcases in public places. The discoveries have been ongoing since a man was arrested in the Californian city for the very particular crime, sparking fears that this is the start of a wave of copycat murders.

“It’s terrifying to what lengths these people are willing to go,” said chief investigator, Michael Hereford. “Some of these body parts are decades old, have been dismembered for as long, and seemingly the perpetrators have all been waiting for a cue to leave them out in the public.”

After information emerged that all but the original incident had occurred in or around colleges and universities throughout the city, student group “Protesting for [Insert Cause Here!]” took on the mantle of rooting out the scourge that had shocked the nation.

“If we let this happen in our colleges, it will spread to the streets,” one member announced. “We plan on putting a stop to any more suitcases being left around here with bodies in them. It’s just messy. We aim to have as much, if not more, success with this campaign as we did with our last, against fluoride in our drinking water. Man, with that one, we even got a petition together and everything. Ah, the glory days.”

Further details have not been released to the public by police, but inside sources say that detectives are “at a loss” for who could possibly be cutting up so many bodies.

“It’s like, first of all – who has that many suitcases just laying around,” said Detective Joe Goldsmith of the SFPD. “Secondly, why leave them all over the city? Why not just throw all the bodies in a big pile somewhere? For God sake, you’re really making us work on this one. We’re not used to doing this much police work here.”

One individual not surprised about the lack of information is Golden Gate University student, Sophomore Lesley Thurgood.

“It’s those med students, I’m sure of it. They’re total sadists. I’ve seen them cutting up rats, and even cute little frogs, just for the fun of it. It was only a matter of time till they moved on to other humans. Sickos! Pure sickos!”