After Years As #1 Write-In Candidate, Mickey Mouse Announces Official Presidential Run

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Long touted as a possible presidential candidate, Mickey Mouse has finally announced that he’ll be running for the post in the 2016 elections. He is the second to officially make known his intentions for the campaign. Ted Cruz was the first, although many may fail to see the difference between the two candidates.

“Everyone has always spoken about a Mickey Mouse President,” said Mouse. “Now we can finally have one.”

Mouse stated that he’ll be campaigning to be both the Democrat and Republican frontrunner. This, he says, will continue a long tradition of having colloquially termed Mickey Mouse’s playing a part in the build-up of both parties’ campaigns.

“Everyone loves me – I’ve learned that in all my years at Disneyland. And although kids are sometimes scared of me, I’ve never told them that the world is on fire, which already puts me at an advantage over Ted [Cruz].”

Disneyland has released a statement in response to their long-serving mouse’s unexpected announcement.

“We are surprised but enthusiastic about Mickey’s new endeavor,” it read. “Mickey has been a staple of the Disney empire for many decades, and a presidential run will only contribute to his future position. Of course, everyone must remember that he is a trademark of The Walt Disney Company, and that will not change, even if he is to lead our illustrious nation.”

Mouse responded, saying, “I will always hold The Walt Disney Company in my heart – they placed a trademark label in there after all – but will not be a slave to them. When I am president, I will no longer have time for my duties there. It pains me to say it, but the government of the USA is slightly more important to Americans than Disney. When I am elected, I will ensure that Disney are paid out appropriate compensation for the termination of my never ending contract to them.”

Netanyahu Secures Election Victory, Ready To Resume Guessing What U.S. Wants

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JERUSALEM, Israel –

Benjamin Netanyahu has been strongly criticised regarding statements he made immediately prior to the Israeli elections last week. He expressed definitively that the touted Two State Solution would not occur “on [his] watch”. Additionally, he warned right-wingers that Arabs were “coming out in droves” to vote, and that they must counter that; a statement that had not so subtle racist undertones.

But Netanyahu characteristically responded powerfully this week, in an apparent return to the status quo of saying just enough to appease the US government and keep up relations between the two nations. He swiftly denied he had abandoned the Two State Solution, despite recorded evidence of him having done so. He also apologized for being racist, saying “some of my best subjects are Arabs”.

Political analysts responded with an atypical disinterest to the Israeli Prime Minister’s remarks. According to them, the whole process was “tediously predictable”.

“Everyone knew he’d pander to right-winger in order to win essential votes to keep him in power,” said NBC’s Hunter Worthington. “Of course, he could not stand by those comments without drastically damaging Israeli-US relations, which let’s be honest – Israel needs us more than we need them.”

John Oliver, presenter of weekly HBO satire Last Week Tonight, was far more ebullient in his coverage of Netanyahu’s obvious political manoeuvring.

“If he gets away with this, he should be known as NetanyaHou-dini,” the British anchor said. Oliver is known to pull no punches, even when it comes to important US officials and allies, and more is expected from him on this front.

“I think we can expect John [Oliver] to mock Netanyahu’s future comments that he treasures his relationship with President Obama; his commitment to the safety of the Arab population in the Occupied Territories; as well as his assertions that he actually plans to work towards a peace that involves Palestinian statehood while opposing it in the UN.”

Early Voter Poll Shows There’s ‘No Way In Hell’ Ted Cruz Will Get Elected President

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Ted Cruz this week became the first politician to officially announce his candidacy as the Republican runner in the 2016 Presidential Elections. The unexpected move by the naively bigoted conservative, was greeted with disbelief and mocking on social media, with a Twitter hashtag #TedCruzCampainSlogan trending with thousands of sarcastic suggestions, including:

@snickerfritz04 Yes little children, the world is on fire – in reference to a comment he made to a scared young boy.

@Athiest_Tweeter A vote for me, means World War 3 – in reference to what would surely be disastrous xenophobic foreign policy decisions.

@JRheling RIP Science (1601 – 2017) – in reference to his belief in archaic Creationism which denies contemporary science.

An early poll revealed that voters are pretty much in line with the contempt shown on social media. 98% of 2 300 voters answered the question “Will Ted Cruz be Our Next President” with “No way in hell”. The remaining 2% voted “No, but I’ll give him a sympathy vote”.

Conspiracy theorists have taken the results of the poll to indicate that Cruz’s campaign is not a serious attempt to run for presidency. Rather, they posit that it is a plot by the Democratic Party to make the Republican campaigners seem ridiculous, thereby winning more votes while Cruz distracts voters with his insane rants and rhetoric.

“Clearly Obama’s behind this!!!” wrote dickweed21 on a Reddit thread. “Who the fuck is Ted Cruz anyway? This is exactly like 2012, when they put up Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Rick fucking Santorum as the runners.”

Hundreds of other users agreed, pointing out that for the 2008 elections, Sarah Palin was just the person to put off potential voters for John McCain.

“Seriously, who in their right mind would make Sarah Palin their vice president?” said one user. “Sarah Palin! The definition of blonde bimbo – she probably started the stereotype!”

Anonymous sources from the Democratic Party denied the claims, although stated that “the Republicans do a good enough job of shooting themselves in the foot without our help. There campaign videos are hilarious disasters – that shit can’t be staged.”

Feminists Rally For Change; Hope To Just Become Known As ‘Uppity Bitches’

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

For decades, the stereotype of angry, militant women who want all men dead has been the primary association in most American minds when it comes to Feminism. The term “Feminazis” was popularized over the last couple of decades, and members of the movement did nothing to change the perception.

Leaders within the Feminist community have announced that they are finally ready to embrace change, and shed their intimidating image. Rather, they’re going to portray themselves as “uppity bitches”.

“People are scared of us, and it’s getting in the way of our agendas being met,” said local Feminazi Rudolpha Hessa. “And who can blame them – we’re fucking terrifying. We’ll take down men like they’re nothing more than walking cocks. But we’ve realized that after all this time they still run the show, and they’re the most likely route to political change. Something has to give.”

And give it will. Women will still give men shit about gender equality, but it will be administered via a less threatening medium.

“Soccer moms are indomitable, but show me a man who is scared of them,” said Women’s Rights advocate, Jessica Hemp. “They moan, whine, shout insults, gossip, and generally get whatever the fuck they want. We, as feminists, have agreed that this way is far more likely to get the results we have long sought after.”

Male politicians have nervously chuckled, bracing themselves for the onslaught.

“My wife is an uppity bitch,” said conservative senator, Rick Santorum. “When she wants to buy something and I say no, she bitches and whines until I give in and just give her my credit card and whatever cash I have. There is no way we’ll be able to maintain the perfectly reasonable wage gap that somehow still exists in the face of Feminazism. They’ve found the formula, I’m sorry to say.”

Misogynists around the country have hung their heads and kicked themselves in the balls, in commemoration of their known enemies’ tactics.

“It’s not gonna be that simple anymore. A new age is upon us.”

New Law Requires Kim Kardashian to Obtain Permit to Have More Kids

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Kim Kardashian has made no secret of her burning desire for another child. The mother of one apparently wants a sibling for North, in order to help the firstborn through the travails of having been named after a direction. However, the socialite has hit a major obstacle, in that a new law has been passed, requiring Kardashian to get a permit to have any further children.

“There has been much talk in the past of possible permit laws for any citizen to have children, with jail time for failing to comply,” said the creator of the bill, Jim Fountain. “I mean, you need a permit to go fishing, know what I’m saying? It’s been called impractical, which I understand, but with Kim it would just be far too irresponsible to allow her to have kids without qualification.”

The text of the law listed a number of reasons for singling Kardashian out:

Calling her daughter North West is a low point for any mother
She’s famous for a sex tape and nothing more
She garnered public attention by balancing a champagne glass on her naked butt
She’s famous for a fucking sex tape!!!
The father would likely be Kanye West – I wouldn’t trust him with a burrito, let alone a child; it’s a wonder that no one has stepped in to prevent him being around North
Her claim to fame is a sex tape – seriously, what is the world coming to? Well, her sex tape I guess…

Kardashian herself is yet to comment, but husband Kanye released a clip on YouTube, in which he rambled about the injustice of the law.

“Kim is the greatest mother that ever lived, she’s got the greatest daddy right here, I’m a genius and that makes her genius by association. Haters are out there tryna get back at us for being so perfect.”

But he admitted that conception is unlikely in any case.

“While we fuckin, she says to me, she says ‘Imma let you finish’, and then she pulls away, and so I never get to finish. She thinks it’s funny. Seriously, woman. Maybe she shouldn’t have kids.”

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire –

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

JERUSALEM, Israel –

BREAKING NEWS: leaders in Israel are currently doing stuff, things, and other stuff. As news of this reaches the United States, many citizens are shocked, outraged, proud, happy, and unsurprised.

Empire News took to the streets to hear what people have to say about the most recent actions of That One Guy, the Prime Minister of Israel.

“It’s crazy,” Rajesh, 22, said, “The way they treat their people is just unacceptable… I have such strong opinions about this.”

We asked Rajesh for a more in-depth explanation of his thoughts, to which he simply kept responding “It’s crazy” or “really shocking.”

Another young mind had a different take on it, though: “I think it’s great that they’re making progress with, like, social issues, and peace and stuff,” Anita, 19, said.

With each interviewee, we conducted a short poll:

Roughly 80% of responders said they saw headlines of new events in Israel on Facebook but didn’t actually read the articles. 98% agreed that pretending to be knowledgeable of current events in Israel made them seem more worldly, cool, intelligent, and sensitive. Less than 1% actually had any idea what they were talking about, and finally, 100% of all responders said they weren’t sure if it was the country of Israel or Isis, or if either of those were even countries.

As sensational headlines fill social media, millions of Americans continue to pour out their cocktail of emotional support for anyone and everyone they possibly can. That One Guy is expected to do another thing in the near future, which already has many making vague and embarrassingly uneducated comments.

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick’s Day With More Diverse ‘National Drunk Day’ In 2016

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following years of racial inequality, the United States is finally making the right move: in 2016, the previously Irish-centric holiday St. Patrick’s Day will be replaced with the more diversity-friendly and honestly titled “National Drunk Day.”

Proponents of this change say St. Patrick’s Day, while historical in nature, had little to do with Irish history in modern times and was really all about drinking green beer. With the holiday declared, certain traditions are encouraged to remain intact, including said green beer and women having an excuse to wear tight and revealing green clothing. The hope is that these colors will still be relevant as people will get so drunk they end up puking up green bile.

President Obama recently spoke of his support for this change. “Most Americans are too stupid to understand the real meaning behind St. Patrick’s Day anyway. It only tarnishes Irish history and gets in the way of things our country is really about – alcoholism, degrading women, and partying.”

By removing the Irish component to the holiday, people of all backgrounds will be able to feel more welcome to celebrate it. In fact, changing the title to National Drunk Day invites the diversity of the American spirit, as it truly defines the nation’s Greatest Past-time.

Some opposition to this change has made its way to the surface, mostly in the form of those trying to “maintain the intellectual integrity of our nation.” Their cries fall on deaf – and mostly drunk – ears, however, and show no promise of having any sway.

Disney To Finally Release Racist Classic Movie ‘Song of the South’ In U.S.

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Disney has announced that they are going to release classic movie Song of the South on home video for the first time in the U.S. Release of VHS copies of the film was put on hold indefinitely in the fifties, amid controversy of the blatantly racist depiction of African Americans in what was Disney’s first live-action release. The mass media corporation has decided, however, that the current era presents the perfect climate for the release of the beloved classic.

“I think we’re finally at a point where we can all sit back and laugh at the parochialism demonstrated by the old film directors,” said Disney executive Peter Rhynoldt. “I’m pretty sure that today’s black Americans can take the sentiment from whence it came, and realize that the offense caused back then no longer applies to them.”

Race groups have slammed the Disney Company, saying that, on the contrary, Song of the South will add fuel to the flames of already flared up racial tension.

“What’s going on, not only in Ferguson but also in the so-called ‘liberal’ cities of the U.S. is a perpetuation of white privilege and constantly renewed suspicion of African Americans,” said Donald Jackson, head of the Racial Equality Engineers. “Song of the South presents such outdated, racist tropes about the inferiority of the black man, which could have an influence on this generation’s youth.”

Democratic Senator, Richard Fein, agreed with Jackson.

“It’s anachronistic,” he told media. “I find it pretty absurd that anyone could think this was appropriate. The reality is, whoever is making this decision is just stupid.”

Rhynoldt has so far refused to back down, saying that they’re going through with this “come hell or high water.”

“It’s not nearly as bad as they say it is. There’s that sweet old guy, and the cool zippidy-do-da song. Besides, didn’t Kanye West say that racism no longer exists? This film serves as nothing more than historical documentation.”

Death Row Inmate Survives Execution; Released From Prison

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DICKSON, Tennessee –

A Tennessee death row inmate has been released from prison today after two attempts to execute him have failed. Peter Farmington was convicted of 3 counts of murder in the first degree when he pled guilty to murdering his wife and their two young children in March of 2006.

The prison warden, Joseph Goldsmith, called Farmington’s survival “a divine intervention.”

“We have two methods of execution in the state of Tennessee.” said Goldsmith. “It is has always been our tradition to let the inmate choose how they want to go. Mr. Farmington is the first person to try their hand at both options. We are taking it as a sign from God that this man is just not meant to die.”

Farmington had his first execution scheduled in late 2013 via lethal injection. At that time, his body did not react to the sodium thiopental, which is the first in a series of three drugs given to someone being executed. Sodium thiopental is designed to render a person unconscious before they inject bromide, which causes paralysis, and finally potassium chloride, which induces cardiac arrest.

Dr. Robert Liston was the medical examiner on staff for the state prison during Farmington’s first execution.

“I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a medical doctor.” Said Liston. “Sodium thiopental is not something someone can generally be ‘immune’ to, but Farmington’s body did not react. The drug should have hit him within 30 seconds. We waited over ten minutes, then dosed him again. Nothing.”

Doctors and prison staff had no choice but to postpone the execution, and the governor granted temporary reprieve for Farmington, giving him another six months on death row, while he awaited his second execution date.

Last week, the prison again tried to execute Farmington, this time via electric chair.

“Farmington chose to not go through lethal injection a second time, and opted for electrocution.” Said Goldsmith. “We hadn’t fired up ol’ sparky since 2007, but it was his choice and we honored it.”

Prison officials were stunned when, for a second time, Farmington was spared death, this time when the electric chair failed to operate.

“We threw those switches, and on the third flip, you’re supposed to see sparks fly, but we saw nothing.” Said Goldsmith. “We got Farmington out of the chair, hooked everything back up, fired it up, and it worked like a charm. We didn’t even try putting him back in again.”

Per federal law, Farmington was immediately released from prison, as any inmate who survives his execution twice is automatically allowed a full pardon.

“We wish Farmington all the best in his new life outside prison walls.” Said Governor Bill Haslam as he signed Farmington’s release forms. “This man may be a bloodthirsty, violent individual, but some higher power has given him a second chance at life. We certainly hope he uses it for something better this time around.”

Attorneys for Farmington could not be reached for comment.