Google Reveals New X-Ray Glasses At San Francisco Gadget Expo

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

The 2014 Gadget Expo is a regular ‘Nerd Nirvana,’ with all the latest gadgets and gizmos on display for people to check out, try out, and plan their 2015 tech purchases. Many new products created plenty of excitement such as Apple’s iWatch and Alienware’s 3D laptop. But the one product that stole the show was Google’s new X-Ray glasses, which the company is already planning for a 2015 release.

“We all remember the ads in the back of comics. You could get sea monkeys or paper dolls. But the most popular ad was for X-Ray glasses. Of course, those glasses were a disappointment when they came in the mail, but it created a dream in the minds of a generation,” said Larry Page, Google CEO. “Now, some of those disappointed boys are the smartest engineers in the world, and they work here at Google. Ladies and gentlemen, those same young honor society nerds that dreamed of seeing through girls clothes have done it, and we now have real X-Ray glasses! Pending some safety issues, Google X-Googles will be available next year!”

“It’s true, the X-Ray glasses work perfectly, and with different settings, you can see through garments, skin and bones, and even walls,” said Product manager Harold Harris. “We see this as a great development that will no doubt have untold advantages in the fields of medicine and law enforcement. The safety tweaks are happening now, as the one Mr. Page spoke of is actually quite serious. Currently, the X-Ray glasses have a 100% brain tumor rate on wearers. Unfortunately, the threat of brain tumors is not stopping the engineers on the project from wearing the glasses to spy on female employees. I guess for them seeing a girl naked is worth a brain tumor. At the rate engineers are dropping out for sickness or straight-up dropping dead, the tweaks may take a little longer to fix than expected.”

Despite possible setbacks in health-related risks and fatalities by wearers, Google still plans to release the new X-ray glasses as soon as possible. “We know that Google Glass was just the beginning for what we’re calling or Google Spectacles Division,” said Page. “All those people out there wearing our current product will certainly be interested in our new Google X-Googles. We can’t wait for them to all go from becoming Glassholes to Raytards.”

Ceiling Fans Can Cause Wi-Fi Particles To ‘Break Down’, Slow Down Home Internet

Posted on November 21, 2014 by JP

TALLAHASSE, Florida –

If you have been noticing some troubles with your Wi-Fi connection, your signal may not be at fault this time.

A recent study has shown that ceiling fans are the number one cause of slow internet or having no internet connection in homes. The study was performed after several major router and modem companies banded together to find new issues that can arise in home use of their products.

“I had a guy that wrote the company a letter claiming he would kill all of my family if I didn’t resolve his internet connection,” said the CEO of Belkin Routers, Joe Goldsmith. “He was upset because he was attempting to stream a Gilmore Girls episode on Netflix and from what he wrote, it cut off right before the good part.”

The report shows that not only will a ceiling fan in your own home disrupt your Wi-Fi, but even a close neighbor with a ceiling fan can be affecting it.

What happens, according to researchers, is the movement of a ceiling fan sucks in the Wi-Fi particles that are floating through the air, making your ‘network’ stuck in a type of internet tornado.

Major companies are attempting to find a way to stop this slow-down from happening in homes. Home Depot, one of the largest retailers of ceiling fans in the United States, as well as several other companies in the home-building and internet markets, are attempting to create a new Wi-Fi friendly ceiling fan, or a ceiling fan-friendly router. Prototypes for both designs have been created, but they say that the technology may be years away from being developed to permanently prevent issues.

In the mean time, they suggest that if you want to assure that you have the best possible internet connection, it is recommended that shut off or stay away from all ceiling fans while surfing the web.

Severe Tree Shortage Means U.S. Forest Service Layoffs

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A nationwide tree shortage has resulted in severe cutbacks to employees of the US Forest Service.

“With fewer trees, we require fewer personnel,” said Charles Conifer, Forest Service Ranger. “I never thought things would come to this. We were never really affected by the bad economy, but this is something else, this is Mother Nature’s doing, we think.”

Changing weather patterns affect growth cycles. Some varieties of trees adapt better to changing environmental conditions, while other trees have a built-in “time clock.” Could the answer be tied in with the devastation that bee colonies have recently suffered?

Tree pollination expert Dr. Ahthea Thoone spoke at a US Forest Service luncheon last week and presented her ideas on bee colony decline and how it relates to the tree shortage crisis. “The ratio of bee colony failure coincides with the loss of trees across the northern hemisphere,” said Thoone. “I also wouldn’t rule out hoarding; that is, squirrels and other forest inhabitants securing pine cones and seeds, in reaction to their environment being taken over by land development. The data is fascinating,” she added.

The destructive force of nature also plays a part. During 2014 in California alone, over 1,400 forest fires broke out, with some wildfires larger than 50,000 acres in size. The Santa Ana Winds, nicknamed “devil winds,” fan wildfires along California’s coast, mostly during autumn and winter. When those resulting fires burn out or are extinguished, what’s left is a barren landscape, and fewer trees to take care of.

It takes about 6 years to grow a tree 8 feet tall,” said Conifer, “and during that time there’s not a lot to do but sit around and wait. We had to let people go. I couldn’t keep people on the payroll idly waiting for a forest to be repopulated,” he said.

Ironically, some of the forest personnel who lost their jobs became homeless and resorted to living in the same woods they once patrolled. “Hopefully, the cycle soon will be broken, and tree growth will return to acceptable levels. I know I certainly hope so,” said Conifer. “It’s a real tragedy. And I hate living out in the woods. They’re a nice place to patrol, but I really don’t want to live here.”

New Hollywood Trend Has Celebrities Getting Baby Pig Semen Injections To Look Younger

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Celebrities and movie stars in Hollywood and Los Angeles are always on the cutting edge of treatments to make themselves appear younger and sexier. From lip injections to smoothing out crow’s-feet, there aren’t many things that some celebrities won’t try to keep their famous-faces looking ageless. A new trend in Hollywood has emerged in the last several months, as doctors report that many A-list stars are now skipping the toxins of chemicals like Botox and injecting a much more natural substance – baby pig semen.

“Baby pig semen is an all-natural way to smooth out age lines, especially in the face and hands,” said Dr. Aaron Silver, plastic surgeon at the Goldsmith Medical Center in Los Angeles. “We inject a small amount around the eyes, lips, in the cheeks, or anywhere else that someone would want tighter, smoother skin. Over the course of several weeks, and approximately 3-5 injections, the loose skin becomes completely rejuvenated.”

The treatments are still awaiting full FDA approval, but that doesn’t make it illegal for the semen to be injected by a trained professional.

“Dr. Silver has given me the semen injections several times,” said a Hollywood legend who wished to remain anonymous. “My eyes look like they did when I was 25. I feel so much better about my looks ever since I started getting these injections. Botox is so harsh, and so noticeable. I had my lips done with Botox about a decade ago, and I haven’t felt a damn kiss since. Semen is so much less abrasive on the body. I’m a big fan of it.”

“I know that many people are concerned about the health risks of injecting animal semen into their body, but I can assure everyone, it’s much safer than injecting an actual poison, like Botox – assuming it is done by a trained professional,” said Silver. “I don’t advise anyone to go out to their local farms and start jacking off pigs and shooting themselves up. Leave it to the doctors.”

Silver said that the pig semen injections began in rural Asia sometime in the late 90s, and only recently began being performed in Europe and the United States. There are also several companies developing pig semen creams and salves for mass market production.

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

Scientists Warn Massive Glacier Collapse Could Put Many Coastal Cities Under Water

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

REYKJAVIK, Iceland –

Scientists at the International Glacier Study Project in Iceland warned today of imminent danger from the possible collapse of the largest ice sheet in history. The press conference reportedly left viewers speechless, many of whom left the conference immediately to warn their families.

”Ladies and gentlemen, the study of glacial science is usually measured in decades and centuries. Global warming and climate issues have changed that,” said Johan Jorgensen, chief scientist for the project. “I am here today to tell you of an Earth changing event. According to our research, within the next several weeks, a polar ice sheet located just outside the North Pole, approximately 7 times the size of Manhattan, will separate from it’s glacier and fall into the Atlantic Ocean.”

“This event could very well trigger a tsunami that would spread across the world, leaving many coastal cities underwater. This event can not be measured in dollars of destruction, so much as in human life. The resulting temperature change of the oceans will disrupt weather patterns for years to come, for those lucky enough to survive the tsunami. I urge governments across the world to begin immediately evacuating all coastal cities to locations no less than 300 ft above sea level.”

Scientists in the United States and Canada who have seen Jogensen’s research have confirmed that a tsunami of that proportion would wipe out most of the East coast of the United States, with most towns in Southern Florida being eradicated completely.

President Obama could not be reached for comment, as he and his family were aboard Air Force One on their way to an unexpected ski vacation in the Swiss Alps.

Los Angeles Holistic Medicine Clinic Says Coconut Oil Cures Cancer

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Holistic Henry’s Holistic Clinic is once again in the midst of controversy. Holistic Henry’s is run by Henry Rackman, who initially made waves in the medical community 2 years ago when he opened Henry’s House of Medicine, a pain clinic in Los Angeles that specialized in the dispensing of narcotic pain killers. The pain clinic was almost immediately raided by the DEA, and shut down for a laundry list of infractions.

Immediately upon Henry’s House of Medicine being shut down, Holistic Henry’s was opened. Rackman was convicted of dispensing pharmaceuticals without a license, but was given a suspended sentence.

Holistic Henry’s has recently been targeted by the media for taking advantage of chronically ill patients that are dying of cancer. It is estimated that Holistic Henry’s currently has at least 40 chronically ill patients. It has been confirmed that at least 9 of the clinics patients have passed away this month.

Treatments prescribed by Holistic Henry’s include frequent yoga, heavy applications of coconut oil, and ‘eating right’.

Amanda Rotberg, the daughter of one of the recently deceased patients, has spoken out against the clinic and said her father was taken advantage of. She said he had a hard time digesting the news from his doctor that even with continued treatment, he would most likely only have 2 years alive. She says that her father was not in a clear state of mind and, was desperately searching for something that would cure his cancer.

“My father thought he found what he was looking for at Holistic Henry’s, however what he actually found was a bunch of con-artists that convinced him rubbing excessive amounts of coconut oil on his tummy every night would cure his stomach cancer,” said Rotberg. “It’s sickening what they’re claiming, and they have no evidence to back it up whatsoever.”

“The worst part of the whole thing, is that insurance does not cover any treatment received at places like Holistic Henry’s, so my father paid out over $150,000 to the clinic. Exactly what is the overhead on coconut oil and yoga? I’ll tell you, it’s damn near nothing!”

A Holistic Henry’s representative was asked what services they offer to a patient suffering from cancer, and they said that it varies, but they have a basis of treatments that all patients should receive.

“We offer several modern treatments, but honestly, aside from heavy applications of coconut oil and frequent yoga, the best treatment for someone dying from cancer is to just be a good person.”

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

Posted on November 2, 2014 by Chip

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

A recent study conducted by the US Health Department shows Starbucks coffee is more addicting than crack cocaine.

Derek Whistleton, a U.S. Health Department representative, sat down for an interview with the local D.C. newspaper Presidential Times, where he said that the Health Department gathered data for the study over the course of 26 months. “We really wanted to ensure we took the time to gather adequate and conclusive data, this was no fly-by-night operation.”

When asked what data was gathered and studied over the 26 month period, Whistleton replied “It’s simple, it can all be tracked by units consumed, and industry profits.”

“We used Salt Lake City, Utah as our test demographic and gathered all information used in the study from the patterns of Starbucks coffee and crack cocaine use by the citizens of Salt Lake City.”

When asked why they decided to base their entire study regarding the addictiveness of crack compared to coffee in a seemingly mild-mannered city such as Salt Lake City Whistler replied, “We wanted to ensure we had a completely random sample demographic so we decided to pick a city out of hat and drew Salt Lake City, Utah”

According to the study, the citizens of Salt Lake City consumed Starbucks coffee 99.99% more frequently than crack. “We were amazed at the results of our findings. The addictiveness of crack didn’t even hold a candle to that of Starbucks.”

According to the Salt Lake City Police Department’s records, crack is turning an estimated profit of $600,000 per year. Starbucks however is a billion dollar industry in Salt Lake City.

“Thousands of Salt Lake City housewives are spending upwards of $1300 a month on Starbucks coffee, and people just are not spending that much money on crack, period, case closed,” said Whistler. “We are actually wondering if it’s possible that Starbucks is actually putting a highly addictive substance, like crack, into their coffee in the first place. I mean, people aren’t drinking Starbucks coffee because it tastes good, that’s for sure. It was also explain the exorbitant prices they charge.”

The surprising part of this study, according to Whistler, was that Starbucks addiction is universal amongst all social classes. “We even asked a homeless man in downtown Salt Lake City if he wanted some crack and he grinned, raised his Starbucks cup in the air, and said ‘I’ve got my crack right here.’”

iPhone App ‘Guber’ Combines Ride-Sharing, Hook-Up Services For Gay Men

Posted on October 23, 2014 by Chip

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Every day, tech companies and hungry entrepreneurs are launching new smartphone apps that promise more effective ways to manage your daily tasks. The app marketplace is so over-saturated that very few new ones receive media attention.

An exception to this rule is a new app called Guber (pronounced goober), that is currently available for iOS. Guber was created by millionaire entrepreneur Albert E. Fletcher, who is a self-acclaimed ‘social observationalist’ that claims he has had a ‘strong grasp on what the people really need, since 1945.’

Fletcher explains the app as a hybrid between Uber, a popular ride-sharing app, and Grinder, a popular ‘hook-up’ app available on most smartphones.

“This new app is designed to make it possible for homosexuals everywhere to knock out 2 birds with 1 gay stone, so to speak,” said Fletcher. Similar to Uber, Fletchers app will connect gay men that are in need of a ride with other gay men that are using their personal vehicles as a taxi cab. The big difference is that with Guber, the driver will be required to give his passenger a handjob.

According to Fletcher, the business model is a win/win for everyone involved. “Gay males are overly sexual creatures by nature; not only will Guber allow the gays to get from points A to B, it will also allow them to release their sexual energy at a fraction of the price of an upscale bathhouse. It’s also a win for the straight population, as it will certainly curb some of the rampant PDGA, or ‘Public Displays of Gay Affection.'”

“Our app gives gay men the chance to earn extra money on their own time and, of course, do what they do best,” Fletcher assured users. “Er, not that I would know they do it best, it’s just what I’ve heard. Anyway, the safety of the drivers and of the passengers is Guber’s number one priority. We NEVER require anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with. They can participate in more intimate sex acts for a larger tip if they wish, however they are never required to do anything other than the standard ol’ fashioned we offer with every ride.”

Though Fletcher himself identifies as straight, he claims to have a deep understanding and connection to the gay community. “I even has a gay nephew that I occasionally will see at family functions,” said Fletcher.

The homosexual community as a whole is naturally upset by the app, and is calling Guber and its creator ignorant, offensive, and extremely exploitive. So far, the app is only available for the San Francisco area, and has a total of 3 users. Plans to expand the app to a more nationwide audience are pending.

Republicans Agree Global Warming a ‘Hoax’

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

With sea ice in rapid decline, and following the globe’s hottest September on record, GOP members have been sounding off about their views on global warming, and perhaps no one is a more outspoken critic of the theory than Rep. Dan Benishek of Michigan.

“There is absolutely no evidence that there have been any significant changes in weather patterns,“ said Beniskek at a summit in Grand Rapids, MI, where the typical October climate is between 45° and 61° Fahrenheit.

When it was pointed out that there is significant data published in peer-reviewed journals supporting this phenomenon, and the role that humans have played in causing it, he replied, while wiping perspiration from his brow, “Peer reviewed, yes. But not by my peers. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m taking my family to the lake for some water skiing.”

Benishek is not alone on the subject—In a January Energy and Commerce Committee meeting, every Republican voted against the Electricity and Affordability Act, which if passed would carry the condition that the committee accept the reality of climate change and that it’s caused by greenhouse gas pollution.

Rep. Ed Whitfield (R-KY.) of Kentucky, a coal-state, approves. He reportedly stated at a recent press conference, “If God meant for us to not burn fossil fuels, he wouldn’t have given us coal.” He then made his exit as his representative handed him his surgical mask and helped him climb into his hummer.

Senator James Inhofe (R-OK.), whom comedian Jon Stewart famously roasted in June for saying, “[Global warming] is really a hoax,” took to twitter this morning denouncing climate change science altogether.

“Global warming is based on the unfounded doctrine of science. And it’s just a big excuse for Democrats to avoid reconciling our views so we can work together to resolve important bipartisan issues #DenyDenyDeny.”

Empire News reached out to David Donnelly, respected environmentalist and president of nonpartisan group Every Voice, for comment. His response was optimistic. “If the environmental community can convince Republicans that their money won’t mean much after our species is extinct, then it’s possible the partisan lines will fracture and we can prevent many harmful effect of global warming.”