Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

Posted on April 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

Premature Baby Dies After Parents Try To Put Her Back Inside Mom

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GARDNER, Indiana –

A young couple, Mark and Jessica Grover, both 24, were arrested after they called 911 to report that their baby had died. The couple had given birth at home only a few hours before, and accidentally killed their child after trying to insert her back inside Jessica’s vagina.

“This couple knew that their baby wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, and they panicked, thinking that something was wrong,” said police chief Mario Ruben. “Instead of calling for an ambulance, they tried to push the baby back up inside of the mother, causing severe brain and spinal damage to the baby. Unfortunately, it died before paramedics arrived.”

Chief Reuben says that both parents are being charged with negligent homicide, and that they are still in custody.

“I know that people are having children younger and younger these days, but these parents had been doing everything right – going to their appointments, mom was eating healthy, and the baby just came early, and they didn’t know what to do,” said chief Reuben. “It’s extremely sad that this happened, but a crime was committed none-the-less. Please, if you’re having a baby, do not try to put it back. It’s not a Thanksgiving turkey. They will come when they come, and that’s one oven you can’t put something back into.”

Stores To Begin Charging Deposit For Diapers; Will Be Redeemed Like Bottles and Cans

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

One of the biggest problems plaguing the entire country is the increased garbage in our landfills. One way that has been combated over the years is with bottle and can redemption, where – depending on the state – you pay an extra charge for bottles purchased, and those can be redeemed and recycled later with the consumer getting their money back.

A new plan set in motion by congress, which will take effect nationwide, will see the same plan take on diapers, which are one of the leading causes of overfilling of our nation’s dump and landfill centers.

“Going forward, a redemption charge will be added to all diaper sales, at the rate of an extra $1 per diaper in each pack,” said congressman Joel Hill. “We expect that in this way, people can start recycling their baby’s diapers in the hopes that they can be re-used, and no longer simply tossed into the trash.”

Major diaper manufacturers say that the idea is brilliant, as the materials that are used in collecting the waste of children is “easily recyclable.”

“We could use the diapers dozens of times before they become unstable,” said Huggies plant manager Roger Kern. “We don’t get the chance to, because they end up thrown away, but now we’ll finally start being able to use materials over again, saving us money, which we can pass to the consumer.”

The diaper recycling law will take effect in most states on June 1st, with the entire country set to begin collecting by the end of the year.

Hottest Summer On Record To Hit By May, Buy Your A/C Units Now

Posted on March 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Meteorologists are predicting the hottest summer in the history of recorded temperatures, with most of the United States expected to be steadily in the 100+ degree range by the middle of May, with temperatures topping nearly 150 in some areas by August.

“If you don’t have several new, good, working air conditioning units in your home, then I’d go out and buy them immediately,” said meteorologist Joel Simmons, who works for WMUX TV out of Phoenix. “We are already seeing temperatures in the 80s. By next month, you’re going to be melting, and I’m almost being literal.”

As global warming reaches new heights, the weather is expected to stay steadily dry, which will add to the warm feeling.

“Even as temperatures hit over 100 degrees, it’s going to feel even hotter. You do not want to get stuck not having air conditioning, no matter where you live in the country,” said Simmons. “A normal pricing for an air conditioning unit is anywhere from $100 to $300 dollars. You can bet those prices will be triple or more this year.”

Store Made Famous On ‘Pawn Stars’ Robbed At Gunpoint

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

At the beginning of each episode of Pawn Stars, shop owner and star of the series Rick Harris says “you never know what may come in [the store]” and on Wednesday evening, that saying proved all the more true, as a gang of masked intruders made their way into the store with shotguns and pistols.

“We are a heavily armed store, and the doors are usually locked,” said Harris, who has owned the shop with his family for years. “We’ve actually never been robbed the entire time we’ve been here, but the History Channel show has given us a lot more notoriety, so we’re a bigger target.”

According to Harris, the thieves made way with over $250,000 in cash and merchandise, mostly sports memorabilia and coins.

“The store will be closed for a few weeks while things are sorted out, and the show is on a current hiatus anyway, so if there was ever a good time to be robbed, it was now,” said Rick. “Thankfully, I got a buddy of mine who knows a thing or two about property insurance, so I gave him a call and he’s coming down to help out.”

Cards Against Humanity Makers Charged with Crimes Against Humanity

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SPRINGFIELD, Massachusetts –

Abiding Truth Ministries has charged creators of the popular card game, Cards Against Humanity, with crimes against humanity, including encouraging Blasphemy and Sin. After years of failed rallying against homosexuality, the group has decided to “try an easier foe.”

Founder Scott Lively is best known as author of The Pink Swastika, which exposes homosexuality in the Nazi party. Lively has no doubt that they will be able to shut down production of the extremely popular card game, once people are made aware of what their children are playing.

“Sin is no laughing matter, and they make a game out of it. This is worse than what the Nazi party did. They were homosexual, but made it right by killing Jesus-hating Jews. I can not find anything redeeming about this game,” said Lively.

“I’m really surprised that they don’t like our game, since it’s full of great combos of cards that could totally be construed as racist if you wanted them to be,” said Cards Against Humanity spokesman Joseph Reilly. “I’m pretty sure that we have plenty of reference to Jews, Jesus, Nazis, Hitler – I mean all matter of horrible things in there. We’re not worried about this lawsuit at all. Just like our cards, this is just a game to us.”

Netflix To Raise Pricing This Summer; Most Plans To Begin At $25 Per Month

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

Netflix, which has long since become most people’s go-to source for home entertainment, says that they will be launching a price increase this summer, battling rival companies such as Hulu and Amazon, as well as cable providers for rich, new content.

“The problem that we’re facing is that we’re sinking hundreds of millions of dollars into buying some of these movies and TV series, and we’re just not bringing in new subscribers fast enough,” said Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix. “When you spend millions of dollars to bring shit like Friends to Netflix, you hope that someone wants to watch it – then you remember it’s one of the worst shows to have ever been on television, and you realize that people aren’t rushing out in droves to spend money on nostalgia.”

The nostalgia comment has proven to be especially true lately, as ratings on Netflix for their shows bringing back 90s sitcoms, such as Fuller House have proven to be abysmal.

“We really wanted Fuller House to be the reason that people signed up for Netflix again, or came to us for the first time,” said Hastings. “We didn’t realize that, in the end, people just don’t care about Bob Saget. Thank God we still have House of Cards to fall back on.”

Hastings says that the company plans to have several tiers for streaming, much like now, but that the prices will fall “somewhere closer to $30” per account.

McDonald’s Hires Gordon Ramsay As New TV Spokesman

Posted on March 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHARDSON, Texas –

McDonald’s Corporation announced this morning that they have hired legendary chef and television celebrity Gordon Ramsay as their spokesman for a slew of upcoming TV commercials the company is working on.

“To be honest, we are extremely excited and amazed that he said yes to our offer,” said McDonald’s CEO Brian King. “We know that our food, while decent and mostly edible, is not to the level of a 5-star Michelin chef. We are very humbled that he is willing to promote our brand.”

“I’ve never eaten at McDonald’s, and I certainly don’t intend to start any time soon,” said Ramsay of his deal. “Frankly, they offered my a lot of money, and I’ll take it, but the food that they will show me eating in the commercials will not be real McDonald’s food. That’s just not something I’ll do. I can promise you that it will taste like dog vomit. I can tell just by looking at it.”

Ramsay is well known for his hit TV shows Hell’s Kitchen and MasterChef, among others. On Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay is often shown screaming, yelling, and taunting contestants, who are competing for money and prizes.

“This will be a lot different than my TV shows,” said Ramsay. “They wanted to, at first, dress me up like the fucking clown, but I’m not doing that shite. That’s stupid. I’m going to talk about their hamburgers, and that’s it. The burgers are clearly shit. They look like shit, they smell like shit, and I’m getting physically ill just thinking about eating them.”

“It’s going to be great having Gordon Ramsay talk about our food in public,” said King. “We figure at this rate, we can’t get any lower ratings with the public than we have now, and at least if it’s Gordon Ramsay saying we’re horrible, there is no better person to critique than him.”

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

Nestle Claims They ‘Couldn’t Care Less’ About Waferless Kit-Kat Or Girl Who Purchased Product

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Saima Ahmad is demanding a lifetime supply of Kit-Kats, after biting into a waferless bar last month. The 20 year-old legal student from the UK claims to be distressed, having suffered a loss “of monetary and emotional significance.”

Nestle, who makes the Kit-Kat brand, says they “could not care less” what Ahmad wants.

“We have sent her a coupon for a free Nestle product up to 2 euros, which is certainly more than she paid for it. That is the policy,” says a Nestle customer service liaison. “Why she thinks she is entitled to a lifetime supply is beyond me. Probably because she’s a law student, and she’s a pretentious bitch who thinks because she’s studying to be a lawyer, she already knows the law. Good luck fighting out law team.”

Most major brands will send out coupons when they receive complaints about defective products. Although this is often more than covers the consumer’s loss, no company offers a “if we make one mistake, you win a lifetime supply” guarantee.

Ahmad says she deserves further compensation. “I’ll find a legal loophole and they’ll give me a lifetime supply. Just wait. I have a 3.8 GPA, and that says something about me and what I’m capable of doing when I put my nose to the grindstone!”