New Hampshire Town Begins Providing Wooden Stakes To Residents In Case of Vampire Apocalypse

Posted on November 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ALBANY, New Hampshire –

A small town in New Hampshire has begun leaving sharpened, wooden stakes around the area in case of a vampire outbreak. The stakes are strapped to utility poles or taped to buildings, as town officials say that it is better to be safe, than sorry.

“A vampire outbreak could happen at any time, and without warning,” said Albany town commissioner Thomas Jones. “While other cities, and even the CDC, may be planning for possible outbreak, we want to have all of our bases covered. Providing sharpened wooden stakes to our citizens is the least we can do, and at a very low cost to the town.”

Jones said that they have, so far, placed over 300 wooden stakes, and at a total cost of only $89 dollars.

“We worked closely with a local furniture builder, who shaped discarded wood for us,” said Jones. “The only cost necessary was the straps used to hold them in place, and the little signs that we printed to provide explanation.”

Jones said that the town has taken “very warmly” to the idea of constant protection, and that it is a much better idea than having people carry around their own weapons.

“I like to think of it in this way,” said Albany resident Valerie Bruce. “I can’t shoot to save my life. I don’t know anyone that can. But I sure as hell can stab away, and if it comes down to it, I’d rather run to a wooden stake and stab a vampire than try to shoot it. More guns cause more problems in the long run. Besides, bullets don’t kill vampires.”

Jones says they will continue to place wooden stakes around town until they feel they are “fully secured,” and then will move on to placing crucifixes and garlic.

Jim Henson, Sesame Street To Release Books About Homosexuality For Children

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Jim Henson Productions, the company behind the long-running TV series Sesame Street, as well as the current popular sitcom The Muppets, is reportedly releasing a line of books aimed at children that will help them to better understand sexuality, gender, and bodily functions. The books will feature characters from Sesame Street, as well as other well-known Henson creations.

“We really think that kids should learn at a young age that it’s okay to be gay, and it’s okay to be different,” said Henson company spokesman Mary Clarke. “There’s nothing wrong with experimenting with your friends when your young, so we wrote a book about that, called Elmo Experiments, and its about Elmo learning about homosexuality while touching other Sesame characters. It’s all very normal.”

Normalcy is exactly what these books hope to explain, and that even “being different” in a current society is also a way of being normal.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay. There’s nothing wrong with being transgender. There’s nothing wrong with you no matter what you’re like,” said Clarke. “We want children to know that, and we want them to learn that the things they’re feeling and the things happening to their bodies, those are normal things.”

Other titles in the series will include Elmo Discovers His Anus, Bert and Ernie Take A Bath Together, Big Bird Wears A Dress, and Oscar The Grouch Gets An Old Fashioned From a Hooker.

“We also hope to release a series of books about bodily functions, such as Elmo Takes a Dump and That’s Okay; Big Bird Has To Piss; and Grover Grows Hair Down There,” said Clarke. “We think kids, and parents, will love them all.”

Baby Taken Into Police Custody After Killing, Eating Parents

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A 2-month old baby was taken into police custody after reportedly killing and eating its own parents in Boise, Idaho, say police. Sources inside the investigation say they are still trying to determine how, exactly, the baby was able to kill his parents – Kathy and Michael Davidson, both 30 – and eat them without anyone hearing cries for help.

Rosie Jenkins, a neighbor, who asked not to be identified, said that she heard the baby laughing for quite a while, but she didn’t hear anyone playing with him or talking back.

“The baby’s name is Jarod,” said Ms. Jenkins. “And he always seemed like such a happy baby. I am so shocked and surprised at this turn of events, because normally a baby so happy like that doesn’t turn to violence until much, much later. And to have eaten his own parents! My God, it’s crazy. That’s the world we live in now, I guess. You never know someone until they’re being arrested.”

“This whole thing is a real mystery,” said Boise police chief Mark Hall. “I’ve been on the force over 20 years, and never have a seen a baby act this violently. The scene – the house, the tables, the walls, even the baby – they were all covered in blood and gore. It was a disaster.”

Police say that they are struggling to question the 2-month old, as of right now, Jarod doesn’t speak. They say that they plan to keep him in a holding cell until such time as he learns to talk, and then they plan to try and question him again.

Woman Arrested Trying To Smuggle Turkey Out of Kroger’s In Her Vagina

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Shaquita Jones, 30, was arrested late Friday evening after attempting to steal a Thanksgiving turkey for her family’s dinner by smuggling the bird out of the store inside her vagina.

“We saw her through the store’s security camera,” said Kroger manager Joe Goldsmith. “She picked up an average-sized bird, pulled up her skirt, and proceeded to shove and heave until it was lodged inside of her. To be honest, we were laughing so hard, we didn’t even considering trying to stop her.”

Goldsmith says they did stop her, though, as she tried to leave the building.

“She claimed that she was being harassed by the ‘white man,’ because she was black, and that she didn’t have ‘no turkey stuffed in her vajay,'” said Goldsmith. “Police were called immediately.”

Once in custody, Jones reportedly came clean, and said that she just wanted to provide a good meal, for once, for her family.

“Normally, the chillins, they get them Kid Cuisine micro-meals, and me and whichever guy I’m with that week, we eat leftovers from the night before. Often, it’s just beans or whatever,” said Jones. “I wanted to have a damn turkey, but who the hell can afford them birds? I see ’em on the street all the time, just wild ones, but you ever try to catch a wild turkey? Them sonsabitches are fast.”

Goldsmith says that the store will not be pressing charges against Jones, but she will be banned from the store. Cincinnati police returned the stolen turkey to the Kroger store, and Goldsmith has said it was wiped down and placed back on the shelf.

“We just want to make sure everyone – that is, everyone who can afford it – gets a turkey this holiday,” said Goldsmith.

Vandals Destroy Beirut Monument On 32nd Anniversary of Bombing

Posted on October 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JACKSONVILLE, North Carolina –

32 years ago, 241 servicemen were killed in Beirut, Lebanon during a bombing of their barracks. A memorial was built in Jacksonville, North Carolina to commemorate the lives lost, but apparently someone doesn’t feel as positive about our military.

“We have no idea who would destroy this landmark, but we’re going to have to guess that it was juveniles,” said Lt. Col. Joe Goldsmith of the 3rd Division. “Judging by the crude humor displayed in the desecration of the sign, we are working with police to discover who could have, and would even consider, committing such a crime.”

Photographs show the monument, which reads “We Came In Peace,” as being scribbled out with spray paint. The vandals replaced “Peace” with “Her Face,” making the monument less of an honor of the servicemen killed, and more of an honor of the many servicewomen who are performing a slightly different service.

“Look, I know it’s wrong to laugh and everything, but holy Hell, that’s pretty funny,” said Jacksonville native Mark Jeffries. “I have no qualms with the military. I wouldn’t join, because I’m not a full-blown retard, but whatever makes you happy I guess. I don’t want anyone to die. But no one died here, it was just a goof. If my son did this, I’d be giving him a pat on the back. Shit, it’s been 32 years. Let it go already.”

After hearing the quotes he gave to local newspapers, police have reportedly arrested Jeffries, 38, and his son, Stuart, 13, for their possible connection to the vandalism.

Health Department Warns Of Pumpkins Filled With Baby Spiders

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A slew of complaints to the state health department over the last month has prompted officials to release a statement warning of possible contamination of pumpkins and gourds with a species of tiny, orange and grey spider.

“These spiders may be very hard to notice, as they often blend in very well with the insides of a pumpkin,” said health official Joe Goldsmith. “When you are carving your ornaments for the Halloween holiday, especially when doing so with children, please be extremely cautious of spiders.”

According to Channel 13 News Augusta, a Maine man was one of the first to experience these ‘tainted pumpkins.’

“My son and I were carving a pumpkin, and as I scooped in to remove the seeds, I felt something tickling my hand. I didn’t notice what it was at first, but as I scooped in again, the sensation got worse,” said Geoff Colbath, 31, of Augusta, Maine. “I looked, and there were hundreds of baby spiders crawling along my arm. We ended up burning that pumpkin, and every other one we got from the farm stand.”

Officials are trying to trace the origins of the spider to a specific location, but so far reports of spider-infested pumpkins have hit police and hospitals in New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont, and Massachusetts.

Haunted House Owners Cover Up Man’s Death By Disguising Him As Prop

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A couple who run a haunted house in Marietta, Georgia are under arrest today after reportedly trying to hide the death of one of their customers.

Geoff March, 67, had apparently visited the haunted house 2 weeks ago by himself, when he suffered a major heart attack. The couple, Marlene and Joseph Rogers, allegedly dressed March in tattered clothes, and made him up to look like a zombie.

“It’s one of the most disturbing, odd crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Marietta police chief Joe Goldsmith. “They were not at fault. It was an accident. Mr. March had a history of heart problems, and he was scared to death. It’s tragic, but it wasn’t a crime.”

According to Goldsmith, the Rogers couple assumed they would be held liable, and didn’t want to face charges.

“We had no idea he had previous heart problems,” said Joseph Rogers. “We thought we literally scared this man to death, and it was our fault. I panicked, and I talked Marlene into helping me dress him up like a zombie. None of our other patrons over the last couple weeks even noticed.”

Chief Goldsmith says that the couple were found out when March’s body began to smell badly, and customers complained.

“One of our deputies happened to go through the house on his night off, and he smelled death,” said Goldsmith. “When he confronted the Rogers, they burst into tears. They were taken into custody late last night.”

The Rogers are charged with concealing a deceased individual, a class C-felony. They face up to 2 years in prison.

Dentist Who Killed ‘Cecil The Lion’ Seriously Mauled By Rabid Feral Cats

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota –

Dr. Walter Palmer, DDS, the man who allegedly paid $50,000 to kill a protected and collared lion known as ‘Cecil’ in Zimbabwe and has since become the most hated man on the internet, was reportedly attacked and mauled by a group of feral cats as he was attempting to enter his Minnesota home.

The cats, which authorities say were possibly rabid, apparently followed Palmer for over 40 blocks as he walked home from a local restaurant. For the last block, Palmer was reportedly seen running and screaming for his life.

“I saw him just down the road, and he was running and screaming, ‘Help! Help! The cats are attacking! They’re coming for me!’,” said local resident Marlene Stuart. “I saw behind him probably 30 or 40 disgusting, mangy cats, all of them clearly flea-ridden and malnourished, using up all of their last little bits of energy chasing him down. I’m sure I could have ran after them and shooed them away, but hell, that’s none of my business.”

Palmer was taken to a local hospital where he was put on life support.

“Those cats, they certainly did a number on him,” said Dr. Geoff Fate. “Frankly, I’m surprised he’s alive. Those cats certainly knew who he was. They could probably smell lion blood on him, and it’s clear they were out for retribution.”

“Although many of the cats were more than likely rabid, the city has decided to not euthanize them,” said police chief Randy Moore. “Normally, a rabid animal is automatically put down after attacking a human, but in this case, we feel it’s possible that the attack was justified.”

According to doctors and police, the cats may have been tracking Palmer for upwards of 40 hours, with hopes of wearing him down until he collapsed from exhaustion. Several eyewitnesses say that it looked as though the group of tough cats were attempting to behead and skin Palmer with their tiny claws, but they can’t be certain.

“Damn good thing cat’s don’t have opposable thumbs,” said Stuart. “If they did, they’d have surely shot him with a crossbow.”

New Prison Reality Show Will Grant Freedom To Winner, Death Row To Losers

Posted on July 19, 2015 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California –

Broadcast companies are battling to pick up a new reality show that many believe will be a huge hit. Every big name network, along with every smaller, cable-based network are raising bids each day to earn the rights to what many are calling the greatest idea for a television show in history.

The show is called Freedom, and features ten prisoners who fight over a chance to win their freedom back and be pardoned for their crimes. The contestants will have to go through many different prison-type challenges to win, and the losing prisoners will be forced to walk death row.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes, I was on the edge of my seat the entire time,” said Mark Henry, who saw the pilot episode in a test screening. “You begin to pull for these prisoners and hope that they each gain freedom, but of course, some of these poor bastards are going to die.”

Surprisingly, prisoners all over the nation are writing letters to showrunners in hopes to get on the program, even though there is a high chance of death.

“Fuck yeah, I don’t give no shits, I want on that motherfucker,” said prisoner #677645, Lucio “Big Guns” Clemons. “I’m in this motherfucker for life for murder, and this is probably my only shot at getting out this bitch. I need to be on that show, and I’ll show everyone who that baddest motherfucker in the yard really is. Plus, I gotsta get out. There’s a couple people who need to be taught what keeping their mouths shut really means.”

Doctors Create Literal ‘Cure For Love’

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A team of doctors and scientists at Boston University has discovered what they say is a literal ‘cure for love,’ which when injected, can actually stop all feelings of love that someone may have for someone or something else.

“We can actually get very specific with the way the medicine works, and target receptors that are only about one specific person,” said Dr. Gary Moore. “Basically, say you have a relationship that ends badly, and one party cannot get over their now ex-partner. With our drug, we can inject just one shot in the jugular vein, and their love for that person will immediately diminish.”

Researchers began work on this new drug, which many are hailing as a modern miracle, after lead scientist Fred London lost his dog of 18 years, Pookie. “Pookie died after a long illness, and I could not get over him,” said London. “I began looking for ways that I could remove that love, that loss, from my life. 3 years later, we have finally made it possible to leave that broken heart behind for good.”

Testing has only recently begun with human subjects, after trials with other mammals went extremely well.

“We gave our drug to a horse, and it instantly didn’t care anymore that we had cut off its legs for glue,” said Dr. Moore. “The same was true in other animals we tested it on. I personally volunteered to go first in the human trials, too, as as they were beginning, I had just gone through a nasty divorce with my cheating-whore wife, who I loved very dearly. After one shot, I barely even gave a shit anymore that she was sleeping with my best friend for 3 years behind my back.”

Booth Dr. Moore and London say that they are expecting FDC approval on their drug by the end of the year, with test continuing through the summer months.