Afroman To Be Charged With Murder After Assaulted Fan Dies

afroman arrested

 

BILOXI, Mississippi – 

Singer-songwriter Joseph Foreman aka Afroman, best known for his 2001 hit “Because I Got High”, is reportedly to be charged with the murder of Pink Platino. The girl died days after being knocked unconscious by a roundhouse punch that was, actually, pretty darn impressive for a forty-year-old stoner. Although Platino was initially thought to be uninjured, the sheer humiliation of the event, combined with internal bleeding in her brain, caused an unexpected hemorrhage.

“There’s a bunch of things that she knew she’d never live down,” said Mauve Platino, Pink’s sister. “Firstly, she was at a damn Afroman gig, a guy who had one hit that only stoners knew existed. The entire family cringed when we heard that she was there. Secondly, she was getting sexy with Afroman on stage, and someone caught that shit on film. Thirdly, a hit from Afroman was enough to send her to the ground. Jesus, I’m embarrassed to be related to her.”

Pink’s friends, however, came to her defense. “Pink was just a chiller,” said friend Matt “Matty-boy” Jacbos. “She was just chillin’ up there. Why can’t anyone just chill these days without getting smashed in the face?”

Lawyer John McDougal, who will represent the Platino family, was bullish about their chances at getting justice.

“It’s all on video,” he told media outlet TMZ. “He definitely can’t say ‘It Wasn’t Me,’ this time.”

When it was pointed out to McDougal that he was referring to a Shaggy song, the lawyer mumbled something about having lots of black stoner friends, and refused to comment further.

Afroman came out in his own defense, saying that it only happened because it was an early afternoon show, and he had not had a chance to take his “medication” yet.

Legal expert, Ziggy Fernandez, played down the chances that the singer would end up in prison.

“Seriously, no jury is going to take pity on the type of girl who attended Afroman concerts,” Fernandez said. “I think pretty much everyone agrees that if you go to an Afroman concert, you deserve to be knocked unconscious. If you die, well, you know, that’s just the way shit falls sometimes.”

 

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

Man Attempts To Kill Girlfriend After Dreaming She Cheated On Him

 

TALLAHASSEE, Florida –

A Florida man is behind bars today after he allegedly tried to take his girlfriend’s life. According to the victim, the altercation occurred when Wrangle had a dream that she was unfaithful to him.

Jacob Walter Wrangle was arrested on Wednesday following a vicious attack on his girlfriend, Jennie-Lynn Smyth. According to the victim, Wrangle reportedly awoke at 4 AM, and begin shouting and thrashing.

“He was screaming ‘Oh no you don’t. Not like this!’ and started grabbing at me,” said Smyth. “But he just kept screaming and saying ‘You can’t make me a fool. I’m your man!’”

Smyth said she then realized he was in the midst of a dream and attempted to calm him down. According to Smyth, Wrangle overpowered her and began to reach for a weapon. “I knew he had the handgun under the bed. But I was able to make my way to a phone when he stopped screaming at me and started talking about the orange flamingos taking his pants.”

Sheriff Deputy Steven Gordon arrived on the scene minutes later and attempted to reason with the sleep-walking Wrangle.

“The individual kept stating that the victim, Ms. Smyth, was making him look like a fool. My partner and myself attempted to reason with him until it became clear he was not fully cognizant. At that time, we decided to take utilize our tasers and subdue the individual.”

When reached for comment, Wrangle’s public attorney stated his client was sure that an act of infidelity occurred. According to the attorney, Wrangle saw Ms. Smyth and an unidentified man in mid-coitus on top of a unicorn at the local supermarket.

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has been pied!

The incident occurred after a meeting with the American Muslim Leaders in the Roosevelt Room. As the President exited the office, a still unidentified man ran up to the President and slapped pie platter on the side of the President’s head.

A Secret Service officer quickly subdued the man, but only after the pieing had occurred. The individual has been taken to a secure location for questioning.

The Obama administration’s Secret Service has been under heavy scrutiny following a series of failings. There was the shooting at the White House over the summer, followed by a drone being able to fly onto the grounds. Now, the Secret Service is once again under fire and will be left on high-alert for weeks.

“I am not allowed to speculate on the reasoning or nature of the attack,” said a secret service spokesperson. “I will state that the pie has been examined, and it was cleared of any poisons. We are now pulling out all the stops regarding check points and security around the perimeter. As an added precaution, all White House chefs have now lost baking privileges until further notice.”

The confection that struck the president was not a cream or berry pie as one might expect. Instead, it was a Spinach, Meat, and Cheese Pie. These pies are most commonly found in the Middle East, and have left some speculating what the deeper meaning is.

The White House Press Secretary released a brief statement regarding the president’s health.

“The President would like to assure the American people that he is both fine, and that the pie was quite tasty. He said he only wished the man had handed him the pie, rather than waste so much of it that was lodged deep within the President’s ear.”

Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

MESA, Arizona – Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

An 8-year-old boy will be facing life behind bars if found guilty of an attempted murder charge. The boy, Bryan Mills, was arrested at his elementary school early Monday afternoon, during a designated snack time. According to his teacher, Bryan shared his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fellow classmate, who happens to be deathly allergic to peanuts.

The school has a strict no-peanut policy that all students and parents are made aware of at the start of every year, and Bryan happened to have shared his “illegal” sandwich with the wrong boy.

The classmate, Joey Goldsmith, age 7, was taken immediately to a nearby hospital and was last listed as being in critical condition. Joey’s parents, Maureen and Gilbert Goldsmith, are claiming that all his classmates knew their son had a severe allergy, and that Bryan was out to get him.

“My son almost died, right there in that stupid school, because of one of his classmates. I won’t stand watching a potential murderer get any type of special treatment because of his age. I think he was jealous that our son didn’t invite him to his birthday party, and this is why he tried to kill him,” said Maureen Goldsmith.

According to a lawyer for the Goldsmiths, they feel that the Bryan is “crazy,” and will continue to share his lunch with other classmates with serious allergies. “Apparently this isn’t his first time in trouble for sharing food,” said Gilbert Goldsmith. “We also found at that last year, he shared a chocolate bar with a kid who was allergic to cocoa. Thankfully, a teacher caught that potential assault or murder before it could happen.”

Police are now investigating how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich made it into the elementary school with a full ban in effect. Theories range from the child smuggled it into the school, to his parents simply forgetting the rules and packing it for him for lunch.

 

Gym Teacher Arrested for Assault After Knocking Out a Student in Dodgeball

TAYLOR, Pennsylvania – Gym Teacher Arrested for Assault After Knocking Out a Student in Dodgeball

A Pennsylvania gym teacher is in custody today, after witnesses claim he assaulted one of his students during his class. Mike O’Mally, 38, has been teaching at the school for over 10 years and has never had any previously reported conduct incidents.

According to police, the alleged assault took place during a morning gym class on Friday, but O’Mally is claiming that he didn’t mean to harm his student.

“I asked the kids what game they wanted to play, and they all agreed on dodgeball,” said O’Mally. “We began to play and the kids were having a blast, I was sitting on the sidelines at first, but then the kids started asking me to play so I decided to jump into the game. I started off playing slow and not really given much energy. Then one student began to get very cocky with me, and even started calling me names. I don’t usually lose my temper since I deal with kids all day,  and I know I should have gone about this another way, but I lost control.”

Other pupils in the class say that O’Mally hit the student with the dodgeball directly in the face, causing him to fly backwards and knock his head against the wall. The nurse was called, but as school nurses are the least-trained medical staff there is, they immediately took the unnamed, injured student to a nearby hospital. He had 10 staples in his head and is suffering from a concussion.

“I do feel terrible, but I can’t take back what I did. I hope the kid will be okay and I’m sure he at least learned a lesson from this, in that it isn’t wise to run your mouth, especially to adults. Obviously that kid is having a really bad upbringing at home. But hey, on the bright side, hits to the face in dodgeball are an automatic out, so technically he got me out, and his team won the game!”

O’Mally’s lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that he does not expect for his client to do any jail time. “He may have hit the boy with the ball in anger, but they were still playing a game, and it’s not really that uncommon for a gym teacher’s balls to end up in the face of a student anyway. We don’t expect he will serve any punishment for this crime.”

 

Punk Musician Praised As Hero After Beating Man With His Ukulele

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – Punk Musician Praised As Hero After Beating Man With Ukulele

A punk musician in southern New England is being called a hero this morning, after he reportedly saved a young girl from a violent attack outside a concert venue in Providence, Rhode Island. The musician, who would not give his real name to police, but is known in the local scene as “Wolfman,” said that he was just doing what any other good samaritan would have done.

“I had just gotten off stage after playing my final song, Last Fellatio, and I had packed up my ukulele and was walking outside,” said Wolfman. “When I rounded the back of the building, I saw a girl struggling with a man. He hit across the face really hard, and she fell to the ground in tears.”

Wolfman says that he’s not normally a confrontational person, but that he was raised, like most good little punk rockers, not to hit or disrespect women.

“I walked over to the guy and told him to leave the girl alone,” said Wolfman. “He pulled out a knife, and he knocked my uke case out of my hand. The thing popped open, and I just saw red. The only thing worse than hitting a woman is to hit a man’s instruments. So I picked up my uke, and I proceeded to beat this guy in the face with it. I think the guy was really surprised, because when I hit him, his eyes bugged right out of his head, and he went down like a sack of bricks.”

Police were called by several punks who were there for the show and had gathered nearby, and the assailant was taken into custody.

“They considered taking me in, too, because I have all these buttons and this leather jacket and this crazy damn beard and all, and I basically look like a crusty ol’ fucking hooligan. Thankfully, the girl that I saved was the police chief’s daughter, and she told them what happened, so I wasn’t brought up on assault charges.”

“Man, I saw the whole thing, and that Wolfman, he’s one crazy dude,” said Gil ‘Garbageface’ Jones, lead singer of headlining act The Suck Ficks. “I travelled all over with my band back in the 80s, and this was the most hardcore thing I’ve seen happen at a show in years. Dudes used to get loaded and do coke straight off the necks of their guitars and smash bottles in their eye sockets, but I ain’t never seen a mother get beaten down with a uke before. Crazy shit, yo. Crazy shit.”

“We are so proud to have this punk named Wolfman as part of our community,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith, speaking to reporters while wearing a leather jacket and ripped jeans. “I am so thankful that he saved my beautiful daughter from harm. He is a hero, and should be a welcome part of this, or any, city. Punk’s not dead!”

 

Victim Of George Zimmerman Domestic Assault Identified As 22-Year-Old Live-In Boyfriend

LAKE MARY, Florida – Victim Of George Zimmerman Domestic Assault Identified As 22-Year-Old Live-In Boyfriend

George Zimmerman was arrested on Friday, January 9th and charged with aggravated assault and domestic violence with a weapon after an argument.

Today, the name of the victim and his relation to Zimmerman were released to the public. The victim, identified as Zimmerman’s 22-year-old live-in boyfriend, Hector Valenzeula, suffered severe facial injuries and is in stable condition at St. Lucia & Mary’s Hospital.

Police received a call after a concerned neighbor heard the two men arguing very loudly and repeated loud crashing noises. Upon arrival, police officers reportedly found Zimmerman on top of the victim, striking him repeatedly with a miniature Louisville Slugger baseball bat, which was covered in Valenzeula’s blood.

The 31-year-old Zimmerman became a nationally known controversial figure in 2012, after he saw Trayvon Martin,  a 17-year-old African-American boy wearing a hooded sweatshirt in his Sanford, Florida, neighborhood. Zimmerman confronted Martin and wound up shooting and killing the unarmed teen. After an extremely high-profile case, which was racially delicate, Zimmerman was found not guilty.

According to Lake Mary Police Department spokesperson Rochelle McCaffrey, Valenzeula and Zimmerman had been fighting after Valenzeula allegedly walked in on Zimmerman and two other men taking part in activities of a sexual nature. The two men, unnamed in the case, immediately fled the residence, leaving Valenzeula and Zimmerman alone. Shortly after, the alleged assault took place.

“He isn’t a boyfriend, though,” said Zimmerman in an interview with police detectives. “It’s true he stays at the house, but he’s more of a live-in, uh, gardener. Yeah, that’s it. He’s a live-in gardener! And uh, a cook! Absolutely no sexual things happen between myself and Mr. Valenzeula. He merely trims my hedges and tosses my salads. That’s all.”

Zimmerman is currently being held on $20,000 bond at John E. Polk Correctional Facility ran by the Seminole County Sheriffs Department.

 

Play-Doh Set Pulled From Shelves After Child Allegedly Assaulted

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island – Play-Doh Set Pulled From Shelves After Child Allegedly Assaulted

Play-Doh is preparing to send thousands of customers replacement “extruder tools” after an onslaught of customer complaints. According to their Facebook page, future sets will include a different tool, although the company did not specifically say what is wrong with the current design.

Many parents are outraged that the Play-Doh Cake Mountain play set was even released, including Cliff Jorgenson of Ogunquit, Maine who says, “You think somewhere along the line, someone would say, this looks a little too much like a huge veiny cock. Let’s find a better design. It isn’t just phallic, it’s a cock.”

Although many were disturbed or amused, at least one family had a much more traumatic experience. A parent, who would like to remain anonymous, said that their daughter was ‘so shaken’ on Christmas morning when she opened her play set and pulled the tool out of the box.

“My daughter loves to bake. We thought she would be so excited when she opened her Play-Doh set on Christmas morning, but she immediately started wailing and became inconsolable. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, and we didn’t see the play set pieces at first” said the mother, whose daughter is 7. “Later we found the frosting tool in the trash, and my husband and I were shocked at the resemblance. It looked just like a giant wang. When we asked our daughter about it, she became hysterical again, and we knew something was wrong. A child psychiatrist eventually got her to describe a previous molestation episode, and the shape and orientation of the toy gave her PTSD flashbacks.”

Other details about the case are being kept confidential, as police investigate the alleged assault.

The girl’s father says they are not planning to sue. “It’s not [Play-Doh’s] fault people necessarily. People are sick. I do wish that they’d put a little bit of thought into the design of their product before releasing it though. We’re just happy that we found out when we did, because I also was able to quickly throw out our VHS copy of The Little Mermaid and hide her Mr. Bucket game, because his balls pop out of his mouth. Now on to kill the bastard who hurt my little girl!”

‘Saved By The Bell’ Star Dustin Diamond Charged With Murder After Stabbing Victim Dies

PORT WASHINGTON, Wisconsin – 'Saved By The Bell' Star Dustin Diamond Charged With Murder After Stabbing Victim Dies

Former Saved By The Bell star Dustin Diamond, best known for his awkwardly hilarious character  Samuel “Screech” Powers on the timeless popular hit teen television series Saved By The Bell, has been charged with second-degree murder after a man he stabbed during a barroom brawl has died at a Wisconsin hospital.

Diamond, 37, initially told police that he accidentally stabbed the man with what he said was a ‘pen’, although he later referred to the weapon, which was never found, as a knife. According to Diamond, while trying to defend his fiance, 27-year-old Amanda Schutz, at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington, where Diamond is a resident, he was forced to brandish the weapon.

Diamond was initially charged with second-degree recklessly endangering safety, disorderly conduct, and carrying a concealed weapon and was released on $10,000 bail before the man, only being referred to by the name of ‘Casey’ per request of family, passed away. Originally reported that Casey was completely fine and his wounds mostly superficial, reports say he took a turn for the worse after a wound from the fight became infected. He died on the operating room table.

Port Washington Police Department spokesperson Marvin Maxwell made the public announcement this morning that Diamond is now being sought for charges of second-degree murder.

“As requested by the family, the last name of the deceased is not to be released at this time and will only be referred to as ‘Casey,'” Maxwell said in the statement. “The case is thoroughly being investigated by the best detectives in Port Washington. Due to the fact that Mr. Diamond used a concealed weapon during the altercation, the police department had no choice but to charge him with second-degree homicide. Please keep in mind that Mr. Diamond is innocent until proven guilty by the court of law,” Maxwell added.

Those who witnessed the altercation seemed to have mixed opinions on what happened during the Christmas night brawl. Some say Diamond was behaving negatively and arrogantly and after refusing to shake the hand of a woman, the fight began. Others say two men had Diamonds girlfriend by the hair and had punched her in the face several times before Diamond got involved. One witness, Carl Peters, told police that the stabbing victim had verbally provoked Diamond.

“He told Screech he wanted to give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker. Screech didn’t like that very much, and that’s when the tussle began” Peters said. “It was just like that episode where Screech got mad at Zack for stealing Lisa away from him, only this time, Screech stabbed the guy. It was awesome. I was half expecting Mr. Belding to come rushing out to break it up and yell ‘hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?!'”

Diamond has been re-arrested following the official announcement of the murder charge. No further court dates have been announced at this time.

 

 

 

Bill Cosby Confesses: ‘I Was Abused As A Child By Buckwheat’

HOLLYWOOD, California – Bill Cosby Confesses-  ‘I Was Abused As A Child By Buckwheat’

In a shocking confession, Bill Cosby admitted that he was abused by Our Gang childhood actor William ‘Buckwheat’ Thomas. Cosby says he blames his own misconduct on the abuse he himself faced.

“Buckwheat was my idol, I watched Our Gang all the time. I just thought he was so funny,” said  Cosby. “When I was 7 I finally got my chance to meet him, when my parents took me to the studio where they filmed a lot of the shows. He was my idol, he was a groundbreaking actor for my generation. I don’t want to go into exact details because it’s upsetting, but I will tell you some of the parts I remember. I think this may explain the demons that plague me still.”

Cosby said that although he has blocked out a lot of the traumatic memories, he feels that now is the time to share what he can recall, in hopes that people will get a better understanding of his own life.

“Buckwheat invited me to go back to his house and play, and my parents let me go. I was so excited! I was young, and Buckwheat told me that he could talk to producers, maybe get me on the show. It was amazing! I didn’t know any better. I remember Buckwheat giving me a glass of Coca-Cola, and I started feeling woozy. Then he was whispering to me as I fell asleep, and he was saying,’ It’s Otay, it’s Otay lil’ Bill.’ A couple hours later I woke up, and my underwear was on backwards. That’s all I remember. I think that explains a lot and you see, I’m a victim too. So can we please just forget about all this ugliness and move on with our lives, now? A life without lawsuits and possible criminal charges?” 

“That’s bullshit,” said Buckwheat’s daughter Mary Thomas. “How dare Bill Cosby try to ruin my Father’s memory?! My father was a great man, and Bill is just trying to deflect his rape problems onto my father. He’s obviously a liar, as he’s denied every allegation against him. One person, sure, maybe she’s a fame-seeker. When, like, 40 women come forward…ugh. I know I shouldn’t get upset, my Father was a peaceful man and a forgiving man, I’m sure if he was alive today he would tell me ‘It’s Otay Mary, it’s Otay. Cosby is just a little bitch.'”

 

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