Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A couple from Phoenix, Maryland, is taking their lawsuit to the supreme court, after they say that their tattoo artist failed to warn them that the beautiful markings they’ve been getting for years on their skin could cause their children to develop autism.

In the last few years, anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against infectious disease despite sound medical advice on the off chance their child might develop autism – have made national headlines for their general ignorance, and resounding ability to deny logical medical and scientific advice and research.

This case, though, marks the first time that anyone has been concerned over tattoos being linked to autism, a serious mental and cognitive disorder that affects an estimated 1 in 68 children. Stephen and Melissa Slotth, of Maryland, say that their full-sleeve tattoos could potential cause a rift in their future family.

“We don’t have kids yet, but we want to,” said Melissa, 28. “We are trying to conceive. Well, we were trying, until it was brought to our attention that tattoos could possibly cause our child to be Autistic. That’s something we cannot have happen, and we are suing our tattoo artist, his shop, and the American Medical Association for not making this information public sooner.”

According to Melissa, she read an article once on “some website somewhere,” that said that there is a chance that trauma can cause the baby to be born Autistic.

“I’ve had a ton of trauma in the case of all my tattoos,” said Melissa. “My husband Stephen has, too. We don’t want our baby to be born Autistic. What would we do with it? We’d have to put it in a home and try for a regular one, and that’s just time and money and effort we don’t have.”

“We think we have a good case against our tattoo artist, although we are having trouble finding a lawyer to take the case,” said Stephen, 31. “Still, it is worth fighting this battle over so that the public hears our story and knows that if they want babies that aren’t born with mental problems, they shouldn’t get tattooed.”

“According to, well, pretty much everyone who has ever studied anything relating to Autism, prevention, and causes, the Slotths are, for lack of a better term, completely fucking stupid,” said Dr. Charles Greene of the AMA. “Tattoos aren’t going to cause Autism. For crying out loud, you could literally tattoo your baby as it came out and it wouldn’t be any more likely to develop Autism. Please, people – vaccinate your kids. Get tattoos. Live your life. If you want to have a family, have a family. Stop buying into the Slotths and the Jim Carreys and the Jenny McCarthys of the world, and read a book. Learn. You’ll see – everything will be fine. Hell in a handbasket.”

Kim & Kanye’s Baby North Confirmed To Be Actual Child After Several Month Study

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

North West, daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, has been the subject of much debate since her uncontrollable raging tantrum at the NYFW show in February, but scientists may have finally put the question to rest.

The theory that North West was a baby has been floating around for many months, but it was not until Samson Germaine, the head of the specialized North West Research Foundation, had the chance to observe her in person that it was confirmed.

“I suspected all along that the reason she was crying was because she was a baby. Many other suggestions floated around, ranging from Mr. West himself saying she was just standing up for him in the past to renowned behavioral psychologists pointing to her long-standing issues with anxiety from a turbulent stock portfolio.”

The theory was dismissed by his colleagues at first, but Germaine pressed on.

“I didn’t have much to go on other than a hunch, but I checked it out anyway. Sometimes you have to do things that way.”

Germaine says he followed the trio anywhere he legally could without “being too creepy,” until he overheard her father talking about changing her diaper.

“Well, when I heard that I thought: she’s certainly not elderly, and what other class of people wear diapers?”

After publishing his findings in a peer reviewed journal, the world immediately took to social media in disbelief, spreading the news almost within the hour. The mystery of why young North West cried at inopportune moments was finally solved, and the world rested a little easier.

3-Year-Old Steals His Mothers Car, Police Chase Lasts 5 Hours

Posted on March 17, 2015 by JP

FORT WAYNE, Indiana-

3-year-old Jason Frew is looking at becoming the youngest resident of the Indiana State Correctional Facility For Children after a recent stunt he pulled. Little Jason had the local police officers of Fort Wayne in his rear view mirror for over to 5 hours early Tuesday morning after taking the family car out for a joyride.

Jason’s mother, Elisabeth Frew, noticed him missing along with the car, and she called authorities. An officer noticed a car driving very slowly and curving in and out of lanes only a few short miles from the Few home.

“I hadn’t gotten the call yet that a child was missing, but when I saw this kid behind the wheel I was shocked. To be perfectly honest, when I first saw the car and the person behind the wheel, I thought it was a drunk midget driving,” said officer Holtz of the FWPD.

When cops attempted to stop the car, Jason began to drive faster and faster. As officers did everything to slow the car down while making sure they didn’t hurt the young boy, the speeds of the pursuit increased more and more. Due to the open road conditions in Fort Wayne and the extreme caution they were using so as not to cause injury, the police ended up following Jason for 5 hours before he was stopped.

Elisabeth Few says she has no idea how Jason got the keys, or figured out how to use the car well enough to drive around.

“I cannot believe that he was able to drive so far and for so long,” said Elisabeth. “I guess he was paying a lot more attention when riding in the car than I thought. I’m just glad no one was hurt, but it’s going to be hard not having him home as he goes to toddler jail.”

Lawyers for the Fews say that Jason will get 3 to 6 months for reckless endangerment and driving without a valid license.

Baby Mermaid Washes Ashore In Caribbean, Proves Existence of Mythical Creatures [VIDEO]

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PACIFIC OCEAN, CARIBBEAN –

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has confirmed that a baby mermaid that washed ashore just off of South America is, in fact, a real mermaid.

The creature, the first specimen of its kind to be studied by the agency, washed up on a beach, and was unfortunately already deceased. NOAA officials have said, though, that they had been tracking mermaids for some time, and although they had been able to photograph them previously, this was the first time that one had made its way to shore.

NOAA spokesperson Sandy Nixon first reported the findings to the Weekly World News, where she insisted that these “magical females,” which have been part of the lore of many different groups of people over thousands of years, were real.

“At least 65 mermaid researchers and experts gathered on the island of Tahiti to examine the known evidence and have concluded that the half-human, half-fish hybrids are living peacefully among us,” Nixon told WWN.

Experts indicate that the mermaids generally stick to warmer waters of the Caribbean, but are not unknown in the waters of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, including a small group of mermaids said to live off the shores of the coast of Maryland.

Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia –

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

2-Week-Old Baby Stuns Medical Community; Speaks In Full Sentences, Has Perfect English Skills

Posted on January 11, 2015 by JP

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Two weeks ago, Carly Willis, 34, gave birth to a healthy baby boy she named Matthew. Born happy and healthy, the story takes an amazing turn, after it is being reported that the 2-week-old is already speaking, and in full sentences and perfect English.

Willis says she was in the living room of her home the day that she brought Matthew back from the hospital, and heard someone speaking in Matthew’s room down the hall.

“I was watching television in the living room after I put Matthew to bed. I started to drift off a bit myself, and at first I thought the noises were just the TV show I was watching. I awoke to someone screaming ‘Help me! Hey, I need some help in here!’ It scared me because it was coming from my son’s room,” said Willis. “I thought someone was in there with him.”

Willis says that when she went into his room, Matthew had a full diaper, and was asking her to help by changing him.

“I put a new diaper on him, and then he breathed out, like a huge sigh of relief, then said ‘Thanks, Mommy!’ I almost fainted, but I thought it’d be best to take him back to the hospital to make sure he was okay.”

Doctors at Huntsville Children’s Hospital were in shock to see Matthew speaking, and all say it is the most amazing thing that they’ve ever seen.

“I’ve been a doctor for over 15 years, and this is the most insane thing that I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Ann Pooler. “Little Matthew speaks perfectly, in full sentences, with just a slight Southern drawl. It’s really kind of cute. He’s a little miracle.”

Representatives for the hospital say that they are working with specialists from around the world to better understand Matthew’s ability, and hope to find out how he is able to communicate so well at such a young age.

Family Friend Reveals Shocking Secret About Kim & Kanye’s Baby

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Empire News

LOS ANGELES, California –

You can hardly turn on your television these days without seeing a Kardashian, and with the recent Kim-Kanye nuptials, it’s been like a flesh-eating virus that refuses to go away.

Rumors about Kanye’s controlling behaviors and Kim’s ever-present derrière pics continue to plague the internet and social media. According to a Kardashian insider, Kanye controls everything Kim does, right down to the clothes she wears, the photos she posts, and limiting her public appearances.

“Kanye is on an unrelenting quest to have the perfect family – well, a perfect family that is obsessed over by the media, anyway,” said the anonymous source, a reported close friend of the couple. “Kim fills the wife roll perfectly, or at least parts of her do, and now it turns out that he has taken his quest one huge, dramatic, over-the-top step further.”

While it remains no big surprise that the couple’s one-year-old baby, North West, is already being made into a media staple, apparently the unusual method of conception has been kept a secret since her birth. For years, many infertile parents have resorted to in vitro fertilization as a means of reproduction, but in Kim and Kanye’s case, it was used for a much less conventional purpose.

“In order for his child to have the best chances of having the specific traits he most desired, Kanye resorted to creating his very own genetically modified offspring,” according to the anonymous source. “With the help of the Center for Genetic Research in San Diego, two sets of eggs were fertilized with Kanye’s sperm – one from Kim, and one from another woman named Erica Goldsmith. Mrs. Goldsmith’s eggs contained precisely what Kanye was looking for when it came to ‘proper’ genetic makeup. It cost him millions of dollars to have the tests, research, and implanting done.”

Since North West is one of the first of such genetically modified ‘designer babies,’ the end result of the procedure cannot be truly know until she begins to mature. Undoubtably, the couple will continue to chart the progress of their lab-created bundle of joy through the normal socialite methods of Twitter and Instagram.

Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma –

Good news today for Apple and their latest flagship product, as a loyal ‘iFan’ was able to turn an engineering scandal into a stroke of genius and save a baby’s life in the process. Mark Mahone, a part-time model and actor from Tahlequah, Oklahoma was walking through a local mall parking lot on the way to his car,when he spotted a woman waving frantically.

“She just ran up to me, all frantic like,” Mahone recounts. “She was screaming ‘my baby is locked in the car!’ over and over. Real uptight sounding. So I walk over to the car with her and sure enough, the baby was locked in the dang car. Well, as an actor I once played a criminal on a second-rate TV show, and my scene involved unlocking a car with a slim jim, which is basically just a flat piece of metal that is bent just right at the end. Tensions are running kinda high though, and I can’t think of a thing I can use to unlock the car.”

According to Mahone, he was seconds away from merely smashing the woman’s window with his hands or face, but another idea came to him instead.

“Then it hit me. I got the iPhone 6 plus! I figured I could bend it jussstt right, like I saw on all the bad reviews that I didn’t get to read because I bought it on day-1 at the midnight release. Anyway, so I bent her good, right then and there. It was real easy since it’s not a real sturdy phone. It took a couple of seconds, but I popped the lock and she was able to get her baby. Before I knew it, there was a reporter there, asking me questions. Said I was a hero and stuff.”

Other bystanders remember it a little differently. Thad Henry, a local mechanic, was also on the scene.

“This lady locks her kid in the car. Total dumbass move. Too busy texting like an idiot. Then this other dude comes along and bends his $900 dollar piece of Apple shit into a slim jim. Typical iPhone dumbass – it’s a phone, dude! He never even thought to just call the police. Neither did the mom, apparently. I mean, it’s a pretty mild 68 degrees out here, the baby is asleep, and a cop could be here to pop the lock for free in five minutes. I’m just watching this whole thing go down, in total awe. Anyway, so this jackoff bends his phone in half to unlock the door. He has to be a hero or whatever, and winds up looking like a total tool, ’cause he bought a shitty phone and then bent it in half to make it even shittier. Typical iPhone idiot, I tell ya!”

Perhaps the mother said it best. “I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do, but it got my door open, and my baby is safe. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”

Meanwhile, Apple warranty doesn’t cover bent iPhones, so with a bit of luck, Mahone will be able to bend his back to a useable shape.

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child’s Cell Phone

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

In another array of Kanye angst-laden turn of events, Hollywood Star Insider Weekly has confirmed, via Los Angeles County Court Clerk office records, that Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from her husband, rapper Kanye West.

According to reports, West allegedly snatched an 8-year-old boy’s cell phone and smashed it on the ground, accusing the boy of taking photographs of him and his wife while at a popular Los Angeles eatery earlier this week. It is assumed that witnesses of the incident were paid off and bound to legal secrecy.

According to Kim’s publicist, Marcella Thomas, Kim has had ‘as much as she could take’ of Kanye’s wild and moody toddler-like antics, and this recent outburst was the ‘final straw.’

“This morning I accompanied Kim to the Los Angeles County Clerks office where she officially filed for divorce,” said Thomas. “Thank God, too. As her publicist, do you know how often I had to be around Kanye? More than once, which is way more time than anyone should ever have to spend with Kanye. At any rate, no further statement regarding the matter is to be issued at this time, and we ask that all fans, here and abroad, respect this very difficult decision.”

Because of the media frenzy surrounding the announcement, Thomas said this was also the perfect time to take advantage of the free publicity, tas she revealed to HSIW that Kim has inked a deal with Calvin Klein to release a new men’s fragrance labeled ‘U-Mad, Bro?’

“I’m so glad that Kim is leaving that lunatic,” said Kardashian ‘superfan’ Maria Bulgara. “I mean, Kanye is okay to look at in certain light – like the kind of light that completely blocks out his face. The man has shown time and time again that he is mentally unstable. I don’t think I’m saying anything that anyone else doesn’t think as well. Also, I am sooo buying my boyfriend that U-Mad cologne for Christmas!”

“It’s about time Kanye ditched that trash anyway,” said West ‘superfan’ Joey Goldsmith. “That tramp, showing her ass all over the internet. I was sickened by all that cellulite! Kanye should go find a good woman, like Barbara Walters or something. Now there’s a chick who looks like she knows how to suck, if you know what I mean. Also, I swear if my bitch gets me any of that U-Mad cologne, I’m gonna throw it out the damn window.”

Kanye West has long been known for his public meltdowns, usually involving paparazzi. Two months ago, the hip-hop artist and producer threw his milkshake at a crying baby, claiming the child was “out of key and needed auto-tune.” However, Kanye immediately apologized, and invited the family to a local car dealership where he bought them a brand new Range Rover.

It is not clear who currently has custody of little North West, the couple’s child, but one thing is for certain, this evolving family drama has all the makings of a highly publicized and extremely drawn out celebrity divorce and custody battle. Empire News will be monitoring this national crisis as it unfolds.

Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Posted on December 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

Houston transsexual Mark Miller not only claimed to be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a pregnant woman trapped in a man’s body. In what many have called a ridiculous and unnecessary surgery, Mr. Miller has had a baby doll surgically implanted in his body.

”Well, believe it or not, this surgery was covered by Obamacare. I don’t get paid to make moral decisions, but as long as I get paid, I’ll do whatever the patient wants,” said Miller’s surgeon, Stephen Smith. “After sterilizing the doll Mr. Miller brought in, the surgery was pretty straight forward. Curiously, he didn’t want the doll implanted inside him, he wanted it more, like…infused into his body. He’s a strange fellow. Regardless, Miller is doing very well, and if he is ever ready for a sex change, I’ll be there for him, because Obamacare covers that, too.”

“For the first time in my life, I feel complete,” said Miller. “I look great, I feel pregnant, and without all that yucky morning sickness. When I put on makeup and a dress and look in the mirror, I finally see my true self. It’s also going to help my sex life; you would be amazed at how many men love a pregnant woman, especially one as hairy as I am. The best part is when you press my belly button, you can hear my baby doll say ‘Ma-Ma.’ I’ve never been happier.”

”You see, this why we have to repeal Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “This is sick, and a slap in the face of God. If you want to be proud to be a Texan and an American again, vote for me to be the next President and I’ll repeal Obamacare and ship these homo-Americans to Massachusetts where they belong.”