Boy Expelled For Playing ‘Death Of Jesus’ During School Recess, Crucifying Other Students

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PLAINVIEW, Texas –

A Plainview boy was expelled from school this week after he was caught ‘crucifying’ other students during recess. According to school officials, Jacob Smith, 9, was sent home with his parents after reports that he was tying other children to sticks he’d formed in the shape of a cross, and slapping them with branches or jump ropes.

“Jacob was caught whipping other students that he’d tied to a cross, and also spitting on them and calling them names,” said school administrator Mark Jones. “Apparently, this is a game that Jacob had convinced many students to play over the last several weeks, telling them that it was ‘fun,’ and that if they didn’t play with him, they would go to hell.”

Jacob’s parents say that he is a very bright boy, and that he was just acting out the things he’d learned.

“We read the bible every day at home, and we recently learned about the crucifixion of Christ,” said Jacob’s mother, Mary. “Jacob was very excited to learn about the death of Christ, and we encouraged him to talk to play and talk with his friends. If this is what he wanted to do to explore what our Lord and Savior went through, then we stand behind him 100%.”

School officials say that several of the children received rope burns and lash marks across their bodies, and that many parents are threatening to sue Jacob’s family.

“This is why we shouldn’t have religion, and this is why it definitely shouldn’t be taught to children,” said Phil Brewer, whose son, Mike, was whipped with a jump rope for over 20 minutes before being untied. “Christ isn’t real, the Bible is just stories made up for insecure, mindless idiots. Obviously these people need to do something about their hellion of a son before he starts skinning people and wearing their flesh or something. It’s disgusting what religion has done to him…to everyone, really.”

Philanthropist Offers ‘Apple Picking’ To Local School Kids; Puts Macbooks In Trees

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A wealthy philanthropist has opened up his apple farm to a group of local school children, but there is a twist to this day of apple picking – Bangor businessman Joe Goldsmith has had over 2,000 Apple Macbook Pro computers put into the trees around his property, letting the children ‘pick’ as many as they would like.

“I like to give back to the community once in a while,” said Goldsmith, who in past years has donated more than $2 million dollars to local schools, churches, and charities. “This year, I wanted it to be something fun. Cost me about $4 million or so to do this, but shit, kids need computers, and so I put some in the Apple trees. Made me laugh, and pretty much everything I do in life is to amuse myself, really.”

Goldsmith says that along with each computer, the children are certainly allowed to fill up as many bags of actual, edible apples as they would like.

“Oh, yeah, they can eat those, whatever,” said Goldsmith. “I think they’re too busy trying to grab as many computers as they can, though.”

Goldsmith reportedly made his money over a very long career of drug dealing, money laundering, and prostitution, before turning to real estate – a fact that seems to not bother any of the parents who brought their children “Apple picking.”

“Oh, I don’t care where the money came from, all I care about is getting a free computer or two,” said father Marc Jones, whose son, Kenny, had already picked 9 computers from the trees. “This is the most fun Kenny has had in ages. I’m hoping he gets at least another 4 or 5 computers down – we can sell them and make a killing!”

Lemonade Stands A Thing of the Past? Children In Colorado Starting ‘Weed Stands’

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

It’s been over a year and a half since marijuana was legalized in Colorado for recreational use, and it seems that the state has been doing extremely well. With a massive influx in cash, the state has been able to use the money for better their police and firehouses, to fix and maintain roadways, and for supercharging the education system.

It’s the last part that has gotten some children notice lately, as last week, two 11-year-old boys in Boulder began selling marijuana at a roadside stand. The two say they got the idea during their 5th grade math class.

“Our teacher, Mr. Ames, he told us we could do anything we wanted in life, including selling drugs!” said Joey Goldsmith, 11. “I never thought about it before, but now that weed is legal, anyone can get it. Well, anyone over 18. Thankfully, I have an older brother and he gets and smokes it all the time, so he lets me take some and my buddy Mike and I sell it in my front yard.”

Joey says that he and Mike have made over $4,000 in just under 6 days, selling medical-grade marijuana to the people of their suburban neighborhood.

“It’s a really great idea,” said Mike Falkner, also 11. “I took my $2,000, and I bought an XBox One and a PS4. It’s pretty awesome!”

Both children say their parents have been “very supportive” of their marijuana stand, and plan to help them in any way they can.

“With the amount of money that Joey is making, I was actually able to take more time off from work so that I could help them sell,” said Marlene Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “I was a pediatric nurse making $11.50 an hour, so frankly, there’s more money in dealing.”

Authorities say they have checked on the status of the marijuana stand, and that the boys have done everything legally, including getting a dispensary license and filing forms with the state as a legitimate LLC.

Congress In Talks To Completely Abolish Age of Consent Laws Throughout Country

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congressman Fisher Lewis (D- Delaware) has brought a bill to Washington that seeks to completely abolish the age of consent laws, putting a federal mandate on states that would force them to remove any rules from the books – as well as setting free prisoners who have been locked up for statutory rape offenses.

“Basically, I think that these laws for age of consent are nonsense,” said Lewis. “I don’t understand why we are putting laws on the books that dictate when a person should be ready for sexual intercourse. No one can decide that. It’s just silly, and I hope to reverse these laws nation wide.”

Lewis says that he became very concerned about the laws after his son, Michael, 17, was brought up on charges of statutory rape for having consensual sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend, Carrie.

“Michale and Carrie have been dating since they were 11,” said Lewis. “Seriously – they’ve been inseparable for years. Both of our families used to joke they’d be together one day, and then married. Here it is, 6 years later, and yes, they’re having sex. Have been for awhile. Michael came to me right away and we spoke of it. I’ve even spoken to Carrie, and know it was all consensual, of course. But, her staunch republican parents don’t like the idea all of a sudden, and Michael was arrested. It broke them both into tears for days.”

Lewis says that in his state of Delaware, a crime was committed, as the age of consent for both men and women is 18 – but in many other states, it would be no big deal.

“If they had been in New Hampshire, for example, then there’d be no issue – the AOC there is 16 for boys and girls. Are kids in New Hampshire that much more advance than my kids in Delaware? What’s the problem with this scenario?” Asked Lewis.

It’s true that states have different laws deciding when the children in that state are legally old enough to make decisions about their own sex lives, but most parents agree that abolishing the laws completely is ridiculous.

“Why don’t they just make it the same in every state? 16 across the board? or 18 across the board – who cares?” asked concerned parent Tanya Morris of Virginia. “Frankly, abolishing it completely frightens me. What if my 11-year-old daughter hooks up with some sweet-talking 40-year-old. Sure, it could be ‘consensual,’ but my God, I don’t want her to turn out like me – pregnant at 12 and hooking in the streets!”

So far, Lewis is undeterred in his quest to abolish the laws.

“It’s not even just about Michael, whose name I was able to clear using my power in Congress,” said Lewis. “It’s making sure that kids everywhere are free to bang it out whenever they personally decide they’re ready without having the threat of prison and sex-offender tag hanging over their heads.”

Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A couple from Phoenix, Maryland, is taking their lawsuit to the supreme court, after they say that their tattoo artist failed to warn them that the beautiful markings they’ve been getting for years on their skin could cause their children to develop autism.

In the last few years, anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against infectious disease despite sound medical advice on the off chance their child might develop autism – have made national headlines for their general ignorance, and resounding ability to deny logical medical and scientific advice and research.

This case, though, marks the first time that anyone has been concerned over tattoos being linked to autism, a serious mental and cognitive disorder that affects an estimated 1 in 68 children. Stephen and Melissa Slotth, of Maryland, say that their full-sleeve tattoos could potential cause a rift in their future family.

“We don’t have kids yet, but we want to,” said Melissa, 28. “We are trying to conceive. Well, we were trying, until it was brought to our attention that tattoos could possibly cause our child to be Autistic. That’s something we cannot have happen, and we are suing our tattoo artist, his shop, and the American Medical Association for not making this information public sooner.”

According to Melissa, she read an article once on “some website somewhere,” that said that there is a chance that trauma can cause the baby to be born Autistic.

“I’ve had a ton of trauma in the case of all my tattoos,” said Melissa. “My husband Stephen has, too. We don’t want our baby to be born Autistic. What would we do with it? We’d have to put it in a home and try for a regular one, and that’s just time and money and effort we don’t have.”

“We think we have a good case against our tattoo artist, although we are having trouble finding a lawyer to take the case,” said Stephen, 31. “Still, it is worth fighting this battle over so that the public hears our story and knows that if they want babies that aren’t born with mental problems, they shouldn’t get tattooed.”

“According to, well, pretty much everyone who has ever studied anything relating to Autism, prevention, and causes, the Slotths are, for lack of a better term, completely fucking stupid,” said Dr. Charles Greene of the AMA. “Tattoos aren’t going to cause Autism. For crying out loud, you could literally tattoo your baby as it came out and it wouldn’t be any more likely to develop Autism. Please, people – vaccinate your kids. Get tattoos. Live your life. If you want to have a family, have a family. Stop buying into the Slotths and the Jim Carreys and the Jenny McCarthys of the world, and read a book. Learn. You’ll see – everything will be fine. Hell in a handbasket.”

Revealed: Tom Cruise The Father Of 300 Children

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Startling DNA evidence has revealed that Tom Cruise is the father of at least 300 children. According to sources, these are the offspring of cultish sexual practices done as part of Scientology rituals. This revelation adds more fuel to the ever growing movement against Scientology, which took a hit after a documentary purporting to release it’s secrets went viral.

“They meet in a remote area, where members who have been deemed worthy of the information of the location gather wearing masks,” said expert Tim Menashe. “Announcements are made, and rituals performed, after which a massive orgy takes place.”

Cruise reportedly stumbled upon the assembly after a piano-playing friend of his revealed the location to him at a bar. Cruise had been fighting with then spouse Nicole Kidman, and had gone wandering, finding a costume and arriving late to the gathering. He was then sent upstairs with a prostitute who warned him to leave.

“After much panic and worries of dark conspiracies, Cruise returned to the gathering, where he eventually became a member,” Menashe continued. “It is then that he impregnated tens of women, over and over again, his fertility bringing 300 or more kids into the world.”

Since the report came out, hordes of individuals around America have been rushing to get DNA tests done, in the hopes that they have a chance of being a child of the popular actor.

“The whole thing reminds me of the plot of a movie… I can’t quite remember which one,” Menashe said. “Oh wait – yes, it’s the one with Vince Vaughn. Delivery Man. That’s a funny movie.”

Congress Passes Law Banning Pit Bull Ownership After Another Attack, Death

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Two tragic incidents in the past month have led to a bill being passed by Congress criminalizing ownership of pit bulls. The drastic move comes after a West Virginia native was attacked and killed by a pit bull as he tried to resuscitate the dog’s dying owner. Both men were pronounced dead on arrival at the local hospital.

“It’s a tragedy that could have been avoided, no doubt,” said Chief of Police, John Stamson. “We’ve seen time and again that ownership of dangerous animals leads to these kinds of incidents, and it’s about time something was done to stop it.”

In February, a 2-year-old girl in Pittsburgh was killed by the same aggressive breed.

“It’s unconscionable to say that there should be no laws pertaining to these beasts,” said Congressman Bill Flambert. “I myself own a dog – a beautiful black lab named Tubby – and I know that they become part of the family, and the feelings of current owners should be taken into account. But to say that they’re ‘gentle and harmless’ as most owners do, is just blurring reality. Just as a dangerous family member needs to be incarcerated, it’s time pit bulls were removed from suburbia.”

The Pit Bull Owners Association of the US hit back at the new law, saying that unfair media prejudice is to blame for a misperception of their breed.

“Most pit bulls are no more dangerous than any other dogs,” said chairperson Robert Foundling. “Yes, occasionally a formerly gentle specimen goes apeshit and kills a toddler, another dog, or sometimes a feeble adult, but it’s the exception not the rule. I understand people are attached to their toddlers, but that can’t mean any threat to their wellbeing is dismissed or euthanized. Soon they’ll be outlawing cars in suburbia, because of the rare occasion that someone backs over a kid playing in a driver.”

Flambert responded that the Pit Bull Owners Association members are “missing the point.”

“The dogs have the words ‘pit’ and ‘bull’ in their name, for fuck’s sake. What more evidence do you need that they pose a drastic danger that is far beyond that of a chihuahua or a Bichon Frisé?!”

The Pit Bull Owners Association say that they will fight the new law, or be forced to take every single Pit Bull and move to Canada.

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother’s Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVDs

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BUNSONTOWN, Indiana –

Three-Year-Old toddler Kain Harrison of Bunsontown, Indiana is being hailed as a hero after courageously running into a burning Woody Acres apartment complex to wake his 52-year-old grandmother, Sandra Clemens, who was asleep during the blaze.

Witnesses say the boy had been playing outside in the snow, building an igloo with three homeless men, when they noticed smoke pouring from the roof of the building in which he had been staying with his grandmother. Harrison had been staying at the home following his mother’s arrest for possession and intent to distribute heroin inside an elementary school.

Leroy Johnson, 62, one of the homeless men the boy had befriended, said that once everybody saw smoke and flames, they knew it was too late to run inside.

“I been on this here Earth for a long time, longer than I can remember, and I never seen anything like that in my damn life!” Johnson said. “That little Kain, I tell ya that boy is something else, you know like Batman or something. It is not normal. Anyway Lil K-Roo took off running and we just let him go. He ran inside, at this point the flames were flying out the damn windows, so we thought, well he is cooked.”

“Few minutes go by, and then I tell ya, by the grace of the good Lord up in the mountains, here he comes strutting out, an armful of DVDs,” said the other homeless man, Gary Shidder. “For real, he ran in there and got his damned ole Peppa Pig DVDs. That boy is something else, he derserves a Purple Heart or something ya know?” Johnson said as he remained engaged in describing the wild scene.

Police say that Clemens, who was a sound sleeper, was not able to make it out of the apartment, and was killed. The Peppa Pig DVDs were saved, and according to reports, still play fine.

Judge Judy Has Five-Year-Old Girl Arrested On Contempt Charges During Court Session

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During the filming of the reality television court show Judge Judy, Judge Judith Sheindlin, also known as ‘Judge Judy’, had five-year-old Shaquiteeza Jones arrested for Contempt of Court after the girl yelled out “You’re not the boss of me!” when Sheindlin told the girl to stop crying.

The young child, the daughter of defendant Marquis Jones, who was being featured on the show and taken to the court because his dog, Saddie, got inside the plaintiffs home and ate the family Thanksgiving turkey, began crying loudly after Sheindlin belittled the defendant and told him he had no right to own a pit bull dog, and that he was a terrible and worthless human being who should have his dog and his children taken away.

Mary Louise Henderson, 45, from Sacramento, California was in the audience during the court session and described the awkward turn of events. “It was like nothin’ you ever seen before. That mean ass old bitch just laid into the defendant after she found out the defendant owned a pit bull, which she obviously does not care for,” Henderson said. “Then she just kept telling the poor man how bad a father he was, and he began to weep, then it was like some train-reaction, his daughter started to cry.”

“Judge Judy got real mad and told the defendant to shut his daughter up,” said audience member Jerome Parkins. “When the defendant couldn’t, Judge Judy yelled at the poor little girl. ‘Shut the hell up, this is my court room you don’t cry in my court room!’ she said, then the girl yelled back at the Judge…’You’re not the boss of me!’ and just like that she had the little girl hauled off in handcuffs and arrested. The damndest thing ya ever saw I tell ya! Judy is getting to be a real bitch in her old age. It certainly makes for great TV.”

The girl was released from jail on $500 bail six hours later, and is scheduled to appear in court next month.

Daycare Owner Arrested After Being Caught Taking Naps With Children

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

OMAHA, Nebraska-

A local Omaha man is behind bars today, but is claiming that he did nothing wrong, and is being falsely accused of crimes he did not commit. Anthony Parks, 34, is a daycare provider in Omaha. Police arrested him early Wednesday morning after being receiving complaints by parents that he was ‘laying down’ with the children during their nap time.

Parks admitted to police that he was, in fact, taking naps with the children, but also claims he never had any un-natural motives behind laying with them.

“I’m just exhausted by the time their nap time rolls around,” Parks. “Have you ever watched after 14 3-year-olds? It’s not easy. The kids were all laying down for their nap one afternoon, and I was so run down, I just laid down with them. The nap, along with the whale noises I play from the white-noise machine I bought for the kids, really made me feel refreshed. So, I just started doing it every single day.”

Parents of the children are outraged by Parks’ actions, and say that none of them ever thought there was anything “funky” going on.

“It’s not like we thought he was laying there to get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it, being surrounded by a dozen toddlers,” said mother Mary Lambert, whose daughter Kathy, 2, frequents the daycare. “My God, I’d almost rather he were molesting them. That would be easier to understand. Years of therapy could fix that problem. The problem that couldn’t be fixed would be one of those kids waking up and running off because they’re not being supervised.”

Parks is speaking out against the accusations, and promises parents he had the whole thing under control and would never let one of his students get hurt.

“Everyone needs a nap once in a while, and it wasn’t a big deal,” said Parks. “I’m hoping that these parents understand that I’m not a very sound sleeper, so even the slightest little noise, and I would have darted right up.”

“I just can’t believe anything he says,” said Lambert. “Honestly, we all thought he was shady from the beginning. Not very often a man owns a daycare in the first place. Plus, that bushy mustache and glasses, and the fact that he drives a windowless van with clowns and balloons painted on it, it’s a little unnerving. But frankly, the kids loved him. Now I have to tell Kathy, every time she asks where Mr. Tony is, that she can’t see him anymore because he’s been a bad boy.”