Elderly Woman, 94, Gives Birth To Healthy Baby Girl

Posted on February 14, 2015 by katy_rev

BURNSVILLE, West Virginia –

94-year-old Margaret Holmwood from Burnsville, West Virginia gave a birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday morning, and both mother and baby are reportedly doing fine. The baby, named Mary, weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces.

Margaret Holmwood already has two previous children. Her first, Jeremy Halmwood, is now 62 years old, and her daughter, Jennifer, is 71. Reporters reached out to Jeremy to discuss how he felt about having a new sibling who is over 60 years younger than he is.

“Well, it’s a little bit strange, I admit, but my mother has always been an unconventional woman. She divorced my father and married a man 48 years younger her junior,” said Jeremy Halmwood. “Three years ago, she climbed Mount Everest. She dances cha-cha at at a local dance studio every other day. I’m not so very surprised. At least my grandchildren will have some company to play with.”

Doctors from St. Mary’s Medical Center are impressed with Hollwood’s strength and young spirit. “Mrs. Holmwood has lived a very healthy lifestyle. Even though she is 94, she has the body of a 40-year-old. The birth was simple, we encountered no difficulties. It’s incredible,” says Dr. Patrick Collins.

Holmwood is interested in Eastern philosophy. She practices yoga and tai chi, eats only organic vegetables and lots of rice. She claims this is the way to stay young and fit for many, many years. “In my free time, I dance, climb, cook vegan delights. I don’t sit in front of TV with a bag of chips. I feel full of energy, and I am ready to raise Mary now,” says Margaret. “They will certainly keep me young. I only hope these ol’ teats will still deliver. God knows that no baby likes powdered milk!”

According to the doctors, Holmwood is a proof that people could live longer and age slower.

“She’s a miracle of modern health and science,” said Dr. Collins. “I only hope that when I’m 94, I’m half as energetic as Margaret.”

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, ‘Real Sex’ During Late Night Hours

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Viacom Media Networks, who owns and operates children’s programming network Nickelodeon, has announced that the company has signed a deal with HBO to air reruns of the popular series Game of Thrones, as well as reruns of the once popular Real Sex series, which HBO aired from 1990 – 2009.

Viacom CEO Thomas Bradbury said that the move will round out a great schedule of broadcasting for Nickelodeon. “During the late-morning up until early-evening hours Nickelodeon programming is obviously directed toward the children’s demographic, which left quite a void in the early-morning hours, which we will now be calling ‘Twilight Shift Programming’,” Bradbury said earlier today.

Bradbury said that other programs will be added to a four-hour block from midnight to 4am, but that no other programs have yet been made official. “Eventually, we will be able to fill the four hour twilight time period with four different programs, but as of now, it looks like the block will consists of two hours Game of Thrones, and two hours of Real Sex.”

Asked whether or not the adult related content in the programs would contradict their daytime programming, Bradbury stated that it simply would not be an issue. “We do not believe anyone will find any harm in the programming, in fact we feel that customers will be greatly pleased, because now there will be something for everyone on Nickelodeon,” the CEO said. “Once the kids go to bed, you can enjoy all the sex, beheadings, incest, boobs, and blood you crave, but without having to pay for an extra cable subscription.”

Nickelodeon is slated to begin airing the programs this spring.

Mariah Carey Says She Is Pregnant With Michael Jackson’s Baby Thanks To Artificial Insemination

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TRIBECA, New York –

Mariah Carey has issued a shocking announcement this morning via her publicist Antoinette Peterson. “Mariah would like all of her fans and friends know that she is in fact pregnant after successfully being artificially inseminated by the sperm of the legendary Michael Jackson,” Peterson said in an email sent out to various media outlets.

In the years since Jackson’s death in June of 2009, there had been rumors and speculation amongst peers of the music industry that Jackson had routinely had his semen stored and frozen in a secret location. Just recently, his ex-wife Debbie Rowe stated in an interview that she, in fact, knew that Jackson had a dream of creating a ‘super group’ consisting of his unborn children with famous female singers.

“He would always talk about it, and commissioned a firm to collect and store his semen, so he could ‘hire’ his favorite female singers to be inseminated with it,” Rowe said.

It is believed that Carey was asked by Jackson in 2005 to be the mother of his child. Peterson said that Carey was paid a lofty sum by Jackson at an undisclosed time before his death to mother the child before the year 2017, as was agreed upon within the terms of the contract.

Rowe said that she believes there is a lot more of Jackson’s sperm available, and that now that the first mother-to-be has come to surface, that others should begin to come forward as well. “He wanted to re-create his own version of the Jackson 5, but he wanted them to be perfect and to have the right pedigree,” Rowe said. “It would not surprise me if Ms. Carey was signed on for more of these children, as Michael was a huge fan.”

Rumors speculate that other singers Jackson wanted to have father his children include Beyonce, Alicia Keys, and curiously, Janet Jackson.

7-Year-Old Boy, 8-Year-Old Girl On Bank Robbery Spree Across Midwest

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

OMAHA, Nebraska –

While some may have thought that outlaw bank robberies were a terror that only our great-grandparents had to deal with, one duo has proven it is anything but.

Robert Middleton and Stacey Antworth are not your run-of-the-mill bank robbers for many reasons. The main reason being that the two have combined for a total of 15 years on the Earth. Middleton turned eight in January, according to his mother. Antworth is seven, and will be eight in April.

The two have committed 16 bank robberies as they cross the country, and the reason for their success is simple: “They’re too cute to say no to,” says bank teller Rebecca Oliver. “When they come through the door in their oversized suit and dress, and they try to sound tough and point finger-guns at you… you kind of just have to turn the money over.”

Ohio bank manager, Lauren Whittle, stated that she did apprehend them at one point, but only to give them the biggest hug in the whole wide world. “I just wanted to love them forever,” she said. “The rules clearly state that when someone comes in and demands money, our job is to give them the money. The problem is that due to all the gushing over how cute they are, we all forgot to alert the police until it was too late.”

Both children were reported missing in Pennsylvania by their respective parents in September. Detectives assigned to the case had originally believed the parents had been involved. However, it now appears the two children have made their route via hitchhiking. The two have since been seen in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. As to how they got there, officials stated the two were catching rides with friendly truckers.

“I don’t know who could say no to those faces,” said Geoffery Jefferies. The long-haul trucker stated he picked up the duo in Indiana. I saw them on the side of the road and waving their finger-guns in the air and holding a bag of money.” Jefferies stated he simply felt compelled to pick them up.

“Look, you have two adorable kids holding up a wad of cash and trying to make a mean face. You have to give them a ride. They were adorable as hell. They tell the best stories… it was the best cross-state trip I ever had.”

When asked if he felt the kids are in danger, Jefferies scoffed and claimed, “Ain’t nobody in this world is dumb enough to hurt these kids. They’ve been known on the two-ways for a month now, and we take care of our own on the highways and byways of this country.”

The two adorable bank robbers are assumed to be somewhere in Nebraska. Their parents are hoping that someone will be kind enough to reunite them to their children soon.

Father Makes Cookies Shaped Like Penises For Daughter’s School Bake Sale

Posted on February 6, 2015 by ZGHarris

DETROIT, Michigan –

Local man Albert Farnsburn found himself in hot water after he sent his daughter to school with inappropriately shaped cookies. The baked goods were brought to Farnsburn’s daughter’s second-grade class, and caused quite a stir according to the faculty.

“It was certainly not something any of us were expecting to see when we came into work, that’s for sure,” said Vice Principle of Sequoia grade school, Denise Clammoth. “I’m not sure what possessed him to do it. These children already have a world full of vice and inappropriate behavior. It’s sad to see when a parent cannot keep to a higher standard of tactfulness.”

Farnsburn has maintained the situation was all a giant misunderstanding. He stated that the cookies were meant to be sent to his wife’s book-club gathering as a lighthearted joke.

“Look, I would never knowingly send my daughter to school with those cookies. It was simply a mistake,” said the father. He continued, “Every parent knows how the morning can be a blur. I simply picked up the wrong Tupperware container.”

Farnsburn explained the shape itself was originally a mistake that he was trying to make turn into a worthwhile goof. After making a successful first batch of treats, the father flubbed the second batch.

“They were supposed to be Eiffel tower cookies. I guess I got the batch wrong and they all came out looking like…. well like mens’ privates.”

Fanrsburn then decided that the cookies should not go to waste and would be a funny treat for his wife’s all-womens book-club meeting. Fanrsburn unfortunately picked up the wrong container on his way out of the house, and his daughter ended up brandishing 35 brightly colored cock-cookies at her class party.

Some parents aren’t so sure about the excuse. Said one parent “I understand that a series of unfortunate circumstances could cause a mix up…. but this is the third time he’s done this.”

California Elementary School Hires Registered Sex Offender, Parents Say He’s ‘Best Teacher Ever’

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

MENDOCINO, California –

The John G. Downey grade school is under scrutiny for hiring a registered sex offender to head classes. However, some parents are quick to voice their appreciation for the teacher’s dedication and passion for the job.

Jonothan Alber Metz has been a registered sex offender for nearly 13 years, with two separate arrests on his record. But that didn’t stop him from landing the job as a sixth-grade teacher J.G. Downey.

“He’s got a knack for working with kids,” Says superintendent Marie Worthright. “We understand his past record, and have taken the utmost precaution in vetting him during the hiring process to make sure that is all behind him.”

While Worthwright feels secure in her decision, some lawmakers and community members have already voiced concerns about Metz being in close proximity to the children. Curiously, however, the parents of students in Metz’s class have nothing but fond words for the sex offender.

“I can’t think of a more attentive teacher for the kids,” said Bill Covington, whose daughter takes part in Metz core studies class. “He not only works hard to help the kids understand the subject, but he takes time out of his personal days to tutor them. I’ve never seen a teacher so willing to stay after class with his students. He even takes the kids on weekend field trips. It really gives us parents some much-needed alone time.”

Echoing the praise, Merriam Merth stated, “He’s great with making eye contact with the kids, and letting them know he’s listening. He has a real passion for children, you can tell.”

Metz is up for teacher of the year in the Academic Board of California Awards. Students could not be reached for comment. Most simply stated Metz was “whatever” and many indicated they didn’t want to talk about it.

Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Let the battle for the heavenly kingdom begin! In a surprisingly anti-politically correct move, Hasbro has announced that they are going to begin selling Jesus and Muhammad action figures. The company says Jesus will have come in a play-set with 12 disciples, while Muhammad will come with his 9 wives.

“We’re pretty excited and nervous at the same time,” said Hasbro CEO Charles Cummings. “We’re excited for the new product line, and because kids all over the world will be battling for heavenly victory. Jesus and Muhammad will both come with Kung-Fu grip, and there will also be plenty of accessories including, tanks, fighter planes…plus AR15’s for the disciples and AK47’s for Muhammad’s wives.”

“We’re a bit nervous about the product line, because we know it’s going offend people. We have really beefed up security at our Pawtucket headquarters. We know that having only Jesus and Muhammad represented is discriminatory. If the product line does well, we do plan on expanding the line to include Buddha and whatever the hell it is that atheists worship.”

“It’s a rip off. Total junk – they’re just revamping GI Joe and Cobra Commander dolls,” said Carmine Classi, vintage toy collector. “I will get them, of course, when they go on sale. I’ll buy online, though, for sure. I wouldn’t feel safe going into a store that has the balls to put them on the shelves. No one is selling them yet, and that just makes me want them more.”

“So far, we can’t find anyone to sell them,” said Hasbro Marketing Executive Phil Phillips. “We really didn’t foresee this problem. Funny thing though – as it turns out, the Muslims are cool about it. Pictures of Muhammad are not cool, but action figures, I guess that’s alright. This time, it’s the religious right making all the noise to have the toys pulled. It must be the Jesus doll’s superpower of being able to turn water into grenades that’s getting them mad.”

Doctors Say Michael Jackson’s Amazing Singing Voice Was Result Of Years of Steroid Injections

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Bonnie Anderson

GARY, Indiana –

For music critics, Michael Jackson’s impressive vocal range during his adult career has long been a point of contention – specifically how little it had changed since he left The Jackson 5 at the age of eleven. But the mystery may now be solved.

This morning, the King of Pop’s autopsy results quickly went viral after hackers accessed the UCLA Medical Center database, revealing that as a child, Jackson was regularly injected with glucocorticoids for minor asthma. According to a close friend of the Jackson family, his father Joe administered the drug himself, in excessive doses to preserve his son’s singing ability, with an unfortunate side effect – chemical castration.

After turning 18, Jackson halted treatments. But the damage was done. The drug apparently caused a failure to go through puberty and a lack of testosterone production.

“These findings do explain how Jackson’s voice failed to develop, as well as the absence of body hair,” said Jackson’s former physician and cardiologist Conrad Murray. “That man was devoid of hair from head to toe. It was actually really creepy.”

According to self-proclaimed Psychology expert, Anne Landers, “Paired with his Vitiligo, one can see how the pain of what was done to him led to severe body dysmorphic disorder. Just look at the obvious addiction to plastic surgery.” Jackson is known to have had at least 30 cosmetic surgeries, starting at the age of 13. “The hormonal changes are also known to cause gender identity problems, which explains his efforts to surgically feminize his face, as well as his androgynous appearance, effeminate disposition, and nurturing feelings toward children.”

Long-time friend Reverend Jessie Jackson responded to Landers’ assessment, saying that he completely agreed. “I knew he didn’t hurt those children! Maternal instinct is what it was. That beautiful man wanted to be their mama! People are disgusting to make up those lies about him hurting kids. I would have let him by my mama if I had only know how much pain he was in.”

Seeming to imply that Jackson was indeed chemically castrated, former nurse and ex-wife Debbie Rowe commented, saying “How stupid are people? Why do you think we always covered the kids’ faces? Those brats are whiter than a Klu Klux Klan convention. We even had to dye their hair brown.”

The Jackson family declined to comment.

Mother Finds Kilo Of Cocaine Stashed Inside Toddler’s Power Wheel

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee –

A shocked mother of two called Chattanooga police earlier this week after she discovered a large bag containing a white powdery substance taped to the bottom of a ride-on Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine she had bought her 2-year-old son for Christmas.

After police tested the substance, it was officially determined to be cocaine – a whopping 2 pounds worth, or what is commonly referred to as a ‘kilo.’

Mary Ann Noe, 32, found the suspicious package taped on the underside of the battery-powered ride-on children’s toy after she turned it over to wash off oatmeal her 2-year-old son Kain had dumped on the kitchen floor and had been driving over.

“It scared me to death, I didn’t know what it was,” Noe told The Chattanooga Times. “It looked like a huge bag of cocaine, so I did like they do in the movies, and I stuck a knife in it, dipped my finger in, and tasted it like they do. Funny thing though, I don’t know what cocaine is even supposed to taste like, but my whole mouth went numb.”

Noe said she knew that the substance had to be something illegal, so she immediately called the police.

“When I called, a nice young officer came and took a sample of it himself and it numbed his mouth too. He then asked me for a baggie so that he could separate some of it to take to a lab. I gave him sandwich baggie and he filled it all the way up and put it in his pocket and took it with him,” Noe said. “He told me that the street value of the bag was probably close to $20,000 dollars.”

Chattanooga Police Department commissioner of Police, Albert Hughes Jr., said that somewhere along the way, that someone must have used the toy to transport the drug and it must have got mixed up with other packages. “It is really odd, usually in a case like this several other packages are used to smuggle the drug.No other parents have come forward saying they have found over two pounds of cocaine as of yet.

“The investigation is currently at a stand still,” Hughes said. “We are asking parents whose children may have recently acquired a Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine to check underneath for large bags of cocaine, and please report it immediately. Also, please try not to stick a knife in the bags and put any on your tongue.”

Disney Plans To Kill Off Iconic Character Mickey Mouse After 86 Years As Mascot

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

The Walt Disney Company announced earlier today during a press conference that Disney Films would release an animated feature film next Christmas titled ‘The Magical Life and Times of Mickey Mouse’, and Disney spokesperson Michael McDermott had a shocking surprise when discussing the plot of the film.

“The film is, in fact, what the title suggests – it’s about the wonderful and magical life of the great Mickey Mouse and the joy his has brought children and adults alike across the globe since his creation in 1928…until his death in 2015,” McDermott said, as members of the Associated Press shook their heads in disbelief.

“Yes, you heard me correctly,” McDermott stated. “The Walt Disney Company has made the ultimately tough decision when it comes to the fate of its superstar, its timeless hero if you will. In this day and glorious age, we feel it is important to teach children the vast importance of life, and to never take it for granted. This doesn’t mean the legacy will not continue, quite the contrary. It will only spark a tireless celebration of the wonderful life of Mickey Mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company is about teaching both children and adults alike that the lives we lead are special and magical, but nobody lives forever,” said Disney CEO Don Iger. “It is the collective belief of this wonderful enterprise that in order to thoroughly enjoy something, to really cherish it, human beings need to be reminded that life is short. Live it the best you can, do the best you can by others, use your life to make a real difference.”

“I think this is ludicrous. We grew up having Mickey Mouse around, he made us smile and laugh as children with just the sight of him,” said Marion Calvert, 42, of Phoenix, Arizona “I have two children under the age of 12, and I will not take them to see this terrible film.”

Not everyone feels the same way as Mrs. Calvert, though. Glenn McDaniels, 51, of Salt Lake City, Utah, has a positive opinion regarding the shocking announcement.

“I think it is great. Of course it is sad, but it is important our children grow up knowing they are not invincible. In order for one’s life to truly mean something, they must know it doesn’t last forever. I get it. I will definitely take my grandchildren to see this movie,” McDaniels said. “I mean plus – he’s just a damn drawing.”

The company did not state whether there would continue to be Mickey characters in their theme parks across the world, and also refused to comment on the circumstances relating to the cause of Mickey’s death in the film.

“You’ll just have to wait and buy a ticket and find out for yourself,” said Iger. “The film will be released on Christmas day.”