AUSTIN, Texas –
Red pistachio nuts were extremely common back in the day, when most pistachios were grown in Iran, and dyed to avoid showing defects and dirt in the nuts to consumers. When pistachios began being grown in the United States, and import levels dropped, new standards made it irrelevant to dye the nuts, as they were easily cleaned as less damaged shipping domestically.
All that is changing, though, as a slew of people began clamoring for red pistachios once more. A petition on change.org was signed by over 2 million people, all of whom were desperately looking for that pistachio nostalgia factor.
“Red pistachios were the best pistachios. They left your hands filthy, red dye and shit all over your hands and clothes,” said Roy Lamar, who claims to ‘absolutely love nuts.’ “Man, there was nothing like them. I signed the petition as soon as I saw it. You can take your regular-colored pistachios and stick up your ass.”
America’s pistachio growers say that they don’t at all care what people do to the nuts after they’re harvested, but they refuse to dye them themselves.
“No way are we going to start dying them again,” said Mike Handle, who has been growing pistachios on his farm for nearly 20 years. “That dye was hazardous, nasty, and it completely changed the flavor of the nut. No thanks.”
A small company in Texas, NutBusters, has said that they will purchase large quantities of the nut, and begin dyeing them red once more. They say they expect to have the red pistachios for sale on their website, nutbusters.com, by the beginning of summer.
TOYKO, Japan –
Japan, much like the rest of the world, has long had a problem with overcrowding in major cities. And with overcrowding comes a horrible issue with waste – but not just garbage, human waste as well. Several years ago, in a lab in Japan, several scientists were able to work to put that waste to good use by creating edible steak and meats out of human feces.
“We took the best parts of human waste, which is to say, the fibers and nutrients, and we formulated those to create a new, totally safe, edible product,” said Dr. Buru Tawagoto. “Japanese people have been eating it for several years, and it has made waste go down and nutritional values go up throughout the country.
Just this week, the United States FDA cleared the Japanese “shit steak” for use in both the private and public sectors of the food market. Starting at the end of the year, people will be able to buy this same product in grocery stores, and order it in restaurants.
“We waited quite some time to come to this decision, basically watching, waiting, and checking to see how the project went in Japan,” said FDA spokesman Mario Carson. “In the end, we felt that there was nothing stopping us from clearing it for use. It is healthy, and there have been no noticeable side-effects. We think it tastes like shit, but hey, that’s not the issue at hand, here.”
DELUTH, Mississippi –
For those in the know, most fast food restaurants have always had a ‘secret menu,’ a place where savvy customers could order crazy items built from other items off the ‘common’ menu. At the top of the list of secret items was McDonald’s McGangBang sandwich, which is the biggest, cheapest, item you can get. The sandwich features a McDouble burger, as well as McChicken, smashed together to form a towering heart attack.
McDonald’s long denied the existence of their secret menu, but in the day of the internet, nothing stays a secret for long. With the McGangBang sandwich becoming public knowledge, and a slew of people beginning to not only order the item, but also post pictures online, McDonald’s has said that they are now going to be putting the item on their official menu.
“We are sad that the internet has ruined our secret menu, but at the same time, we’re happy to offer the McGangBang to all our customers,” said McDonald’s CEO Charles King. “We will be officially releasing the product in August to most locations, and it will still only be $2.00 before tax, the cost it is now when ordered as two separate dollar-menu items.”
VALLEJO, California –
World-famous competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, a competitive eater who was currently ranked second in the world, has reportedly died from acute acid reflux, a disease he developed over a career of eating excessive amounts of food.
“Joey was in incredible health for a person who consumed hundreds of thousands of calories as if it was his job,” said Dr. Emmett Brown. “Unfortunately, despite his good health and the calories not causing him to be massively overweight, the one thing he could not get past was his horrible case of acid reflux disease, which he contracted after a particularly difficult challenge of eating the World’s Hottest Hot Wings in 2011.”
Joey Chestnut had competed, and won, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Challenge multiple years, as well as many other challenges, including hot wings, meatballs, pizza, and an entire turkey dinner.
“Joey was a God to me,” said up-and-coming competitive eater Kimball Rowell. “I competed against him once in a pizza eating contest, and I ate 4 slices in 2 minutes. He ate 3 full pizzas. The man is a legend, and his legacy will last a lifetime.”
Chestnut was scheduled to compete this summer at the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest once again, where he hoped to regain his title as world champion.
IRVINE, California –
Taco Bell, a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, has announced today that they will no longer be allowing Trump supporters into their restaurants, based on vile hate speech that the candidate has made about Mexican immigrants.
“Taco Bell does not support hate against anyone, of any nationality, and we cannot continue to allow people who agree with such people and such views, into our establishments,” said Taco Bell spokesman Joel Silver. “Signs have been posted at each location, including franchise locations, to let people who support Trump know that they are not welcome.”
Silver says that the company has received almost nothing but support after making the announcement this morning via social media.
“There are plenty of people who support Trump, and that’s depressing,” said Silver. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow that kind of people to eat in our restaurants. Our food is a staple of Mexican-American cuisine, and to talk badly about the people who make and have created our foods is not something we support.”
Signs posted in the stores indicate that Taco Bell “stands with their fellow Mexican restaurants.”
TOBY, South Dakota –
A South Dakota couple have allegedly discovered a child’s thumb in their Wendy’s chili. The finders, Mark and Julie Kavner, both 30, say that they ordered the same thing they’ve ordered every time they’ve eaten at Wendy’s – a small french fry, two bacon cheeseburger deluxe sandwiches, and a chili. This time, though, they discovered something extra.
“We were half way through the chili, and we discovered a child’s thumb near the bottom of the container. I started vomiting immediately,” said Julie Kavner. “It was the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me, and I used to work for my family’s septic and sewage company.”
Wendy’s spokesman Gerald Hawkins says that it’s “completely impossible” that there could ever be any digits found in the chili, because the food is made fresh on-site in each restaurant, and that the chain does not employ minor children.
“We strive for excellence every day in all of our locations,” said Hawkins. “We have been accused of this sort of thing before, but it was proven then that it was a hoax. We will prove it again using our internal restaurant investigators.”
The Kavners were advised by their attorney to make no statements about any planned lawsuits.
LOS ANGELES, California –
The world’s fattest man, George Richards, recently finished first in a triathlon event in Los Angeles, California. Richards, who often does not leave his house, weighs nearly 700lbs, but was encouraged to run the race after he was told there was a free buffet dinner for all the runners once they finished.
“I normally don’t move that fast, but when food is involved, you can’t stop me,” said Richards. “I am always starving, I always want food. When it comes to a free buffet, you can’t stop me from getting there. It did surprise me, though, that I was able to beat all the other well-toned athletes that were running.”
Richards’ total time was 1 hour and 24 minutes, which beat the second place finisher by over 2 hours.
“I think that it was the 23 pounds of pasta I had before the race,” said Richards. “All those carbs, they really propelled me. The sad thing is, the buffet dinner wasn’t even that good.”
OAK BROOK, Illinois –
After Chick-Fil-A recently announced that they suggest people eat their chicken nuggets 3 or 4 times a day as part of a healthy diet, McDonald’s fired back that they, too, should have their food eaten as often as possible if you wish to lose weight.
“Chick-Fil-A may have nuggets, but they’re not as good as ours,” said McDonald’s spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Ours also come with fewer calories per serving, and nowhere near as much homophobia. We strive to make the best nuggets, burgers, shakes, and fries that are out there today.”
According to scientists in the McDonald’s Food Development Lab, eating at least 3 McDoubles – a staple of the restaurant’s dollar menu – each day can help to keep you “fit, healthy, and less hungry.”
“Personally, I eat at least 5 McDoubles each day, and I normally wash it down with a side of french fries and a Diet Coke,” said food researcher Myles Kenefic. “So far, eating that way, I’ve lost over 20lbs in the last 18 years. I think that definitely says something about our food, and our products, and how it can help you stay healthy in the face of adversity.”
McDonald’s say that they hope to get people onto a Mc-Diet as quickly as possible, if not for the health of their customers, but for the sake of their rapidly failing business.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.
PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.
“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”
The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.
“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”
MIAMI, Florida –
Anjali Ramkissoon, the Miami doctor who lashed out at an Uber driver in a drunken rage, has reportedly checked herself into rehab. After being placed on administrative leave by her job, Ramkissoon says she has nothing left to do but focus on her recovery.
Ramkissoon begged for the public’s forgiveness, but it was not forthcoming. She admitted, “There’s absolutely no excuse for my actions. I am ashamed. I am so sorry. I’ve hurt so many people with this – my family, my friends… The Uber driver – no one deserves to be treated that way.”
She hopes while she is in rehab the public will forget about her and random strangers will stop urinating on her car. She says she does not intend to stop drinking, either.
“It’s not the alcohol that’s the problem. I’m not going to stop drinking. God no. It’s my food addiction that’s the problem. I love Snickers bars, and I’m just not myself when I’m hungry, so then I get bombed and lash out at people who don’t deserve it. I hope after I’ve successfully completed treatment my job will take me back and Uber will lift the ban on me. This was just the one time, guys! I’m really sorry.”