Cannabis-Infused Bacon To Hit Markets Soon

Posted on January 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

TriKom Treats, a marijuana edibles company, will soon release what promises to be the most addictive meat ever – THC infused bacon. Because of the processing, the bacon will actually be lower in fat and sodium than traditional bacon , but even more delicious. It will come in two flavors, hickory smoked wake and bake and mellow-morning maple.

Eric Nawfel, weed connoisseur, says marijuana users these days aren’t satisfied with just smoking anymore. “They want to get blazed at least three different ways before noon. I start my day with cannabis infused coffee, bacon, and a blunt. That’s the way you do it.”

Owners of TriKom Treats say 10% of the proceeds will go to funding cancer research. Brandon Lewis, who worked out the bacon recipe and is an owner of TriKom Treats, hopes this product will do a lot of good.

“What if a person’s doctor prescribed bacon to cancer patients. That would be rad, man,” said Lewis.

‘Zen Diet’ Helps You To Lose Weight By Balancing Your Body’s Chi

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Zen cooking is reported to be a new diet fad that actually works.

The goal is to balance your chi using the five elements, earth, air, fire, water, and metal. Jon Sandifer lays out the somewhat complicated diet plan in his book, Zen and the Art of Cooking.

“It is unwise to use too many blues in the kitchen as that represents the element water,” says Sandifer’s book. “Green and browns have a better effect on the chi.” Other rules according to Zen include never eating under fluorescent lighting and cooking near right-angles, like those of most cabinetry.

“The yin and yang must be kept in balance, which means one does not eat too many yin ingredients like meat and grains, or excessive yang ingredients including mushrooms and greens,” said Sandifer. “It’s a really simple routine, and it works.”

Simon Richard, who claims to have lost 50 pounds with Zen cooking, explains the secret to Empire News. “Going through all the rules is so frustrating, often times I give up on the idea of eating and do something else entirely. It really and truly is a diet that works.”

Woman Starts Petition To Burger King To Bring Back ‘Halloween Whoppers,’ Says They Helped Her Lose Weight

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Jenicka Jones says she has eaten nothing but Black, or ‘Halloween Whoppers’ for the last two months and ended up losing 25 pounds. “My theory is there is something in that dye. It makes your poop blue, but it also makes the calories slide on through without hurting you.”

Burger King launched its Black Whopper for Halloween, but it has since been discontinued. When Jones noticed the weight loss she made sure to stock up. “I bought a special freezer for Black Whoppers, filled it all up with them. It’s so convenient. Just pop it in the microwave and I’m good to go.”

Jones says she hopes to be the new “Subway Jerod,” without all the sexual deviancy. “Plus, I’m cheap. All I want is free fast food for life. Maybe they could dye all their buns black. Make a whole line of Jancika’s Weight Loss Sandwiches or something.”

So far, Burger King has not responded to Jones’ request for a year-round Black Whopper.

Baby Sumo Wrestling Latest Fad In Japan

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Sumo wrestling has been one of Japan’s most revered sports for centuries, with little changing in the events over time. Earlier this year, though, a new league within Japan’s Sumo Wrestling Alliance was founded, with babies as the main attraction.

“We decided to begin having younger and younger babies fight in the sumo ring, because it is amusing to us, and that is why we do the things we do,” said Japanese Sumo wrestler Takeshi Taiken. “It is a strong Japanese custom to make everything seem hilarious and cute to Americans, and that is what Baby Sumo Wrestling is all about.”

While most babies eat roughly 400-800 calories a day in baby food, depending on their age, Sumo babies are force fed upwards of 20,000 calories a day, making sure that they grow to be not only hilariously fat, but also able to take on one another in the Sumo ring.

“Babies of all sizes are welcome to Sumo, but you should know, that the bigger the baby, the harder the small baby fall,” said Taiken. “It’s all about size and strength. Fatter babies are stronger and tougher. I feed my baby steaks every day, all day, so he grows big and strong. I mean, he can barely walk, but in Sumo, walking is the least of your concerns.”

In the United States, Baby Sumo Wrestling has been trending on social media, with many people sharing videos and clips of the adorable wrestling events.

FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

4-Year-Old Girl Recognized As Youngest Ever Confirmed Pregnancy

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

A 4-year-old girl who has been confirmed to be 4 weeks pregnant has been recognized by the World Health Organization as the youngest person ever to become with child, according to a spokesman for the WHO.

Amy Jones, 4, was confirmed to be pregnant by her pediatrician. Although the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are not clear, doctors say that it’s “not surprising” a child of that age could conceive.

“With all the hormones put in food and drinks these days by unscrupulous companies, it’s a wonder that babies couldn’t get pregnant,” said Dr. Emmett Fields of the Lexington Medical School. “Before this, the youngest child ever to become pregnant was 6-years-old, and she had turned 7 by the time the baby was born. It’s mind-boggling to think, but when it comes down to it, girls are experiencing puberty and younger and younger ages.”

Dr. Fields says that as times have progressed, children have hit their puberty cycles earlier and earlier. A recently as the 1940s, the average age of a boy or a girl hitting puberty was 12. As of this year, it’s 9.

“It’s staggering, really,” said Dr. Fields. “I am saddened by the developments, but excited at the prospect of working with this young girl as she goes through her pregnancy. It will be a first for everyone.”

Police who were contacted about the pregnancy say they are working with doctors to discover if there was any abuse, but so far say there is no evidence leading to that conclusion.

Dehydrated Human Finger Found In Bag Of Jerky

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

A Texas man says that while eating a bag of Johnny Frank’s Jerky yesterday, he got more than he bargained for when he bit into what he says is a dehydrated human finger.

“It was pretty damn nasty, not gonna lie for a minute,” said Texas rancher Billy Bob Jones. “I didn’t notice how it looked at first, but damnit, when I bit into that finger, I knew something wasn’t right. Someone at the Johnny Frank’s is gonna pay.”

“We at JF’s Jerky pride ourselves on delivering a reputable, delicious product, and it would be very difficult, based on the way we manufacture our jerky, for a human finger to end up inside a bag,” said Johnny Frank spokesman Carl Lewis. “We are taking Mr. Jones’ statements very seriously, and are beginning an investigation into the matter.”

In the meantime, Lewis says that they will be offering Jones a replacement bag of jerky at no cost.

Man Arrested for Eating Bald Eagle

Posted on May 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Texans are calling for the death penalty for a man accused of disrespecting America in the worst possible way, shooting and eating a bald eagle.

Larry Tucker says the eagle asked for it. “Damn bird kept picking off my chickens so I shot it. A man has a right to protect his livestock from predators.”

Arrested under the Eagle Protection act, Tucker expected to be fined for poaching and sent on his way. Because he admitted to broiling the bird, he now faces additional charges. Although his lawyer advises him there is no way he will actually get the death penalty, the public outrage against him has really hurt Tucker’s feelings.”

“I’m not un-American. Got a flag on my front porch like everybody else. I’ve always liked to try different meats, and it would have been a waste if I didn’t eat the damn thing. I truly regret it. Damn thing didn’t even taste good.”

Small, Gated Texas Community To End ‘Pizza Delivery Neutrality’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Basil LeVermin

HOUSTON, Texas –

The neighborhood of Comcast Trails near Houston, Texas has announced the adoption of an unusual new revenue scheme. They are calling it the Express Pizza Service, and it has some residents at odds as to whether it is good for anyone who lives there.

Empire News spoke to local man Dan Howard, who explained how the small community plans to make money using dedicated gates and lanes for each local pizza eatery.

“Before we began this process, I could order a pizza from Papa Johns, Domino’s, Double Dave’s, or any other small pizza delivery place, and they would all get there around the same time, because they use the same roads, same entrance to the neighborhood, and the same traffic lights,” Howard explained. “This concept is commonly referred to as ‘pizza delivery neutrality.’ However, my neighborhood wanted to become a gated community, so we requested bids from all the local pizza restaurants, and have reached a deal with Papa John’s to allow their drivers exclusive access to a special, new, faster entrance to the neighborhood. Domino’s drivers will have to pass through a different gate, slowing them slightly, but still allowing faster pizza delivery speeds than Double Dave’s, or any of the other local places, who will have to park their car outside of the neighborhood and carry the pizza into Comcast Trails community on foot.”

“We are very thrilled to be able to use the express lane to deliver to Comcast Trails community,” said Papa John’s spokesman Arnold Jones. “The folks in Comcast Trails are some of the fattest people in the country, and they eat more pizza per-household than anywhere else in the United States. Being able to get to them faster means they’re more likely to order from us than any other local establishment.”

Double Dave’s and other mom-and-pop pizza restaurants say it’s “completely unfair” that they are forced to walk into Comcast Trails when others get to use the fast lane.

“We can’t afford to pay the kind of money that Domino’s or Papa John’s can pay, leaving us in the dust,” said Double Dave’s spokesman Charles DeMar. “Basically, when someone orders from us in Comcast Trails, we’re going to have to really haul ass to make it to their house. It’s about a quarter of a mile from the gate to the closest house, so we’re expecting to be hiring a lot of very fit, young athletes to be delivery drivers from here on out.”

At press time, UPS and Federal Express were also engaged in a bidding war over exclusive access to the newly-proposed Express Delivery gates.

White Castle To Add ‘Gas-Free’ Sliders To Menu, Removes Onions From Burgers To Protect Ozone Layer

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

The Obama Administration recently issued a statement saying that White Castle, a fast food restaurant famous for their gas-festering slider hamburgers, and deal sealer onion rings, is just as harmful to the Ozone Layer as retro muscle cars and Harley-Davidson motorcycles combined. That press release, issued by Josh Earnest, began to push the 93-year-old burger franchise into exploring alternatives to replace the gastrointestinal fuels in their otherwise healthy foods.

Yesterday, CEO E.W. Ingram announced that major menu changes would occur this summer. “Without affecting or changing the taste of our classic Sliders, food scientists have discovered new methods of using manufactured, chemically engineered ingredients so that our burgers will no longer give consumers Ozone Layer harmful gas,” he said.

“One other big menu change consists of removing all onions from the menu completely, to make sure we please all environmentalists. In place of onion rings, the company has voted to include fresh vegetables such as broccoli and asparagus,” Ingram revealed.

A widely unpopular adjustement according to weekend drunkards and pot smokers, such as Ohio State University English literature major Omar Chonga. “Man, I just don’t get it, I mean, man. It’s just not cool,” Chonga stated. “They’re messing with the best burgers around. Well, best when you’re too messed up to actually taste anything.”

One thing Ingram was pleased to mention was that White Castle would now officially be the most healthy fast food chain in the country, according to The Bakersfield Post Gaxette. “It is a new era, live long and prosper!” Ingram shouted from the oak podium, which included a shiny chrome “WC” logo.