Artist Paints Penises Around Homeless People to Get Them Noticed And ‘Fixed’

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Artist Paints Penises Around Homeless People to Get Them Noticed And Fixed

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Earlier this week, a British graffiti artist made headlines when he started drawing penises around potholes to force the municipal authorities’ hand in getting them fixed. The Manchester resident, who calls himself “Wanksy” after the famed artist named “Banksy”, explained that a pothole that had been left open for 8 months was filled within 48 hours of having the penis chalked around it. Now, a copycat artist is drawing penises around homeless people in New York.

Spanksy, the latest dick-pic vigilante is campaigning for the government to fix the homeless, many of whom have been there for years.

“It’s an important cause. These people are lying broken in our streets, waiting to be repaired, and the government does nothing,” said the mysterious Spanksy over the phone to a journalist from the New York Times. “I’m hoping now that they’re being made into works of penis art, the homeless will be fixed in record time.”

And Spanksy’s campaign seems to be working. At least 3 homeless men have been seen to in the 24 hours that he’s been vandalising the streets around them.

“There’s a particular alleyway off 49th Street which is home to a large amount of bums,” said social activist Martin Jenkins. “That area has been hit hard by Spanksy, using those bums to make crude penis drawings. Wow, there’s actually a certain poetry, a symmetry, in that.”

The anonymous artist says he’s going nowhere until all the homeless in New York are fixed.

“It’s a hazardous world out here. Walking along the pavements, it’s easy to scuff your foot into a tramp and trip and hurt yourself. They’re all along the major walkways, and there’s nothing being done about them. I’m out to make a difference. Like the potholes in Manchester, the homeless in New York will soon be filled.”

Yankee Candle Releases New ‘Cat Piss’ and ‘Homeless Wanderer’ Scents

Yankee Candle Releases New 'Cat Piss' and 'Homeless Wanderer' Scents

SOUTH DEERFIELD, Massachusetts – 

Yankee Candle Company, one of the largest retailers of specicialty candles in the world, has recently announced a new line of ‘horrible smelling’ candles, which they will begin selling in their retail locations in the summer.

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“We have been known for having long-lasting, sweet and almost delicious smelling candles for years,” said Yankee Candle spokesman Kyle Durkins. “Our Yankee Smellentists have been hard at work in the lab for months, seeking to create our new line, which we hope will be for those of our customers who want to try something a little different.”

Durkins says that among the new line of candles will be scents such as ‘Cat Piss,’ ‘Homeless Wanderer,’ ‘Dog Shit,’ and ‘Sweaty Pubic Hair.’

“We really wanted to get a vast variety of smells out there, and for years, our customers were asking us, ‘Hey Yankee, when are you going to make a bad candle for once?!’ We certainly didn’t want to let down our fans, so our new like of Yankee Skanky Candles will be released starting in June.”

“Personally, I can’t wait to get my hands on ‘Hot Garbage’ and ‘Next Morning Mexcian,'” said frequent Yankee Candle shopper Carlie Frost, 33. “My family loves their current smells so much, I can only imagine what something like ‘Fart Forrest’ might smell like. It’s like collecting memories, that’s how I think of it!”

Durkins said that they are accepting pre-orders for their candles in stores and on their website.

Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

BERLIN, New Hampshire – 

A previously unseen painting that has been confirmed to be by Leonardo Da Vinci was recently found in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic in Berlin, New Hampshire. The painting, which had apparently hung in the clinic for many years, was thrown away after falling from the wall and the frame cracking in the process.

“We certainly didn’t know what it was when we threw it away,” said abortionist Dr. Rachel Cline. “If we had, we would have sold it years ago, instead of keeping it on the wall for sad, pregnant teen moms to look at while waiting for their lives to change forever.”

The painting was purchased at a garage sale by Dr. Cline in 1997, at a local home, but says she’s forgotten exactly where. She said it had hung in her clinic for the better part of 20 years before she tossed it after a large truck driving by shook it off the wall. As luck would have it though, a homeless resident of Berlin saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and pulled it out.

“Before I took up my crack habit, I was a world-renowned scholar and professor of art history,” said vagrant Sonny Encher. “I saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and it looked so much like a Da Vinci, I had to check it out.”

Encher toook the painting to a former colleague who, along with a team of art history professors and researchers, confirmed it to be an original, long-lost painting by the world-famous artist.

“I don’t know who gets the money for this painting when it sells,” said Encher, “But I better be getting a damn cut of it. They threw it out, I saved it, and it’s worth probably $6 or $7 million. I could certainly use more crack, and that would help a lot.”

Currently, the artwork is being restored by a professional team, and is expected to be put up for sale at auction through Sotheby’s, with an expected fetch of $7+ million. No word on how the painting ended up in New Hampshire, or who owned the painting originally.

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother’s Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVDs

3-Year-Old Boy Runs Into Grandmother's Burning Apartment Complex, Saves Peppa Pig DVD's

 

BUNSONTOWN, Indiana –

Three-Year-Old toddler Kain Harrison of Bunsontown, Indiana is being hailed as a hero after courageously running into a burning Woody Acres apartment complex to wake his 52-year-old grandmother, Sandra Clemens, who was asleep during the blaze.

Witnesses say the boy had been playing outside in the snow, building an igloo with three homeless men, when they noticed smoke pouring from the roof of the building in which he had been staying with his grandmother. Harrison had been staying at the home following his mother’s arrest for possession and intent to distribute heroin inside an elementary school.

Leroy Johnson, 62, one of the homeless men the boy had befriended, said that once everybody saw smoke and flames, they knew it was too late to run inside.

“I been on this here Earth for a long time, longer than I can remember, and I never seen anything like that in my damn life!” Johnson said. “That little Kain, I tell ya that boy is something else, you know like Batman or something. It is not normal. Anyway Lil K-Roo took off running and we just let him go. He ran inside, at this point the flames were flying out the damn windows, so we thought, well he is cooked.”

“Few minutes go by, and then I tell ya, by the grace of the good Lord up in the mountains, here he comes strutting out, an armful of DVDs,” said the other homeless man, Gary Shidder. “For real, he ran in there and got his damned ole Peppa Pig DVDs. That boy is something else, he derserves a Purple Heart or something ya know?” Johnson said as he remained engaged in describing the wild scene.

Police say that Clemens, who was a sound sleeper, was not able to make it out of the apartment, and was killed. The Peppa Pig DVDs were saved, and according to reports, still play fine.

Lottery Officials Say Homeless Texas Man Winner Of $500M Powerball Jackpot

Lottery Officials Say Homeless Texas Man Winner Of $500M Powerball Jackpot

 

AUSTIN, Texas – 

A homeless man, identified as 63-year-old Harry Mills has reportedly won the $500 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery game, one of the largest jackpots in the history of the tickets.

According to game officials, Mills turned in the ticket in Austin at the lottery offices early Thursday morning.

“At first, we thought another random bum had wandered in, thinking we were a bar, or looking to wash himself in our bathroom sink, but Mr. Mills came in and walked right over to our secretary, Jane, and said ‘I’ve won, and I want the money!'”

Mills said that he did not purchase the winning ticket, and like most of his possessions, it was found in the garbage on the streets of Austin.

“Yup, found it just sitting in a stack of newspapers and rags on Tuesday night,” said Mills. “At first I almost put it into my pile of ‘things to use as toilet paper,’ but the I noticed the date, and that it hadn’t been drawn yet. I figured it would be wise to at least wait until the pick the numbers, and then I could wipe my ass with it.”

Fortunately for Mills, he held onto the ticket, and according to lottery officials, he is entitled to the money.

“Where someone gets a winning ticket is not our concern, unless a crime was reported in the process of obtaining, such as an armed robbery,” said lottery spokesperson Joan Allan. “Because this ticket was simply lost or discarded, Mr. Mills is entitled to the winnings.”

“This means a whole better life for me,” said Mills. “I can move out of my box in the alley off 3rd street, and I can get a bigger box off of 9th and Broadway. I don’t have a bank account, so I guess I’ll just get one of those big bags with the giant money symbol on it, and I’ll put it in my shopping cart. But oh, I’m definitely getting a new one of those, too! God, this is the greatest thing that’s happened to me since I took up drinking!”

Shocking DNA Results Revealed: Body Of Elderly Homeless Man Identified As Elvis Presley

Shocking DNA Results Revealed- Body Of Elderly Homeless Man Identified As Elvis Presley

 

SAN DIEGO, California –

Earlier this month, an 80-year-old, homeless, white-bearded man was found deceased under an overpass in San Diego, California. Nobody knew the man’s name, but friends referred to him as Jessie, so investigators decided to try DNA testing with hopes that something would pop up in the nationwide DNA database. What popped up on the computer screen in the high-tech lab stunned everyone. The DNA results of ‘Jessie Doe’ were an exact match to the one and only, Elvis Aaron Presley.

Lab technician Robert Brensdale said he and his lab assistant, Madeline Hedgespeth, laughed when the name popped up. “We thought somebody, somewhere, somehow in the system pulled the greatest and most elaborate prank on us ever, we both laughed with hysteria for about an hour,” Bresndale told Jerry Hardin of the Hollywood Word, a new entertainment publication based out of Los Angeles.

Brensdale and Hedgespeth then went to their superior with laughter, as if he were the one behind this “prank”. They were told to simmer down and stay quiet, that this was no laughing matter. From there, the results went up the ladder to the FBI and CIA.

Now, weeks later, FBI spokesperson Philip Hunter has revealed that the deceased man’s body was actually the body of Elvis Presley, who had been in the witness protection program since 1977.

“Mr. Presley was placed in the program under a voluntary basis. He was not a witness to any crime or anything like that. Once he had met President Nixon, the two became great friends, and Mr. Presley wanted out of his life, he wanted to be an unknown, so President Nixon made this possible. Yes, it is official – Elvis Presley was really alive all that time, and only a handful of people knew it, most of which are no longer with us.

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Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family’s Basement, Admits to Cops He’d Been There For 10 Years

 Homeless Man Caught Sleeping In Family's Basement, Admits to Cops He'd Been There For 10 Years


LAREDO, Texas –

A  family was in shock to find a homeless man sleeping in the basement of their Laredo, Texas home late Tuesday night. The man, who has been identified by police as Carl Noon, is being charged with breaking and entering along with other minor offenses.

Homeowner Tim Henry says that he and his family have lived in the house for about 14 years. “I tell you, finding that man sleeping in his basement was enough to scare the hell out of me, but when I found out later that he told police that he’d been living down there for over 10 years, I nearly passed out.”

“Well, I mean, I did hear noises downstairs a lot, but I always thought it was the dryer or heater kicking on,” said Tim’s wife, Julie. “Tim said that it was nothing. He put some mouse traps down there, but really it wasn’t ever that concerning. This is just too much to believe.”

Police are continuing to question Noon to see if he had actually been staying there for as long as he says he had. So far, they say there is no evidence to dispute in him making this claim.

“He has no reason to lie about it,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Laredo Police Department. “I’ve heard of this kind of thing before. They call it ‘frogging,’ I believe, which is a more insane version of ‘squatting,’ where you move into an abandoned or empty home. ‘Frogging’ is where people will sneak into your house and live, secretly, with you and your family.”

Noon told officers he thought the house was empty, originally, as at the time the Henry family had been on vacation. When they returned, he says he planned on leaving, but when no one noticed he was there, he just stayed. After only a short time, he become aware of the family’s schedule, and would shower an eat while they were at work and school.

“I always thought that someone had been eating my cookies and milk,” said Tim Henry. “I punished the kids so many times, thinking they were lying about it. Guess I owe them an apology!”

If convicted, Noon faces 6 months to 1 year in jail.

Rapper Eminem Gives Homeless Man Check For $1 Million

DETROIT, Michigan – Eminem Gives One Million Dollars To Homeless Man

Marshall Bruce Mathers III, best known by his stage name Eminem, took to the streets of Detroit, Michigan last week on what he said was “a mission from God.” His plan was to find a complete stranger and give him or her a check for a whopping one million dollars. The 42-year-old rap icon followed through with the quest when he presented a homeless man, Raymond “Pops” Clark, 52, with that check.

According to witnesses, Mathers, worth an estimated $130 million, was walking down Woodward Avenue in downtown Detroit with bodyguards when he saw Clark, a black man with a white beard, and only wearing one shoe, who was pushing a shopping cart while collecting aluminum cans. Mathers stopped the man and talked with him for a while, then gave him the check. Michelle Grisdale, a resident who lives in a nearby apartment saw the whole thing.

“I couldn’t believe it, Eminem was right there and talking to Pops,” Grisdale said. “Then he just gave him a check for a million dollars, just like that. It happened about two days ago, and the whole block has been partying ever since.”

According to the neighborhood, they have been keeping Pops happy, with the local Detroit salesman providing him with everything he could ever need.

“Pops been buying booze, weed, coke, crack, cola, molly, meth, blue and yellow purple pills – just whatever he wants, he buys,” said Detroit resident Geoffrey Jones. “It’s been one big ass, cray-cray party on this block ever since Em was here. Pops has been buying spreading the love with the neighborhood, too. He bought chicken and biscuits from Popeye’s for the whole block. It was Goddamn nice of him, too. We love that old bastard around here. Well, we do now that he’s got money, anyway.”

The rapper was asked about his good deed during a recent radio interview on WKFD radio in Detroit, and he said it was the least he could do for the community.

“Well, I know what it’s like, ya know? I’m a product of the streets, of that community, ya know? So yeah, I hooked an old dude up, told him to buy some shoes, enjoy himself a bit. Get off the streets. I hope he’s using the money wisely. A million dollars – man, that could set him up for life if he does shit right.”

According to Pops, though, most of the money is already gone.

“I’ve got about $84 dollars left,” said Pops. “It was a really great 34 hours or so, though. Best time I’ve ever had in my life.”

Homeless Man Finds $200,000 In NYC Trash Can

MANHATTAN, New York – Homeless Man Finds $200,000 In NYC Trash Can

Perhaps one of the luckiest and most honest people on the planet, Berry Holden recently went from living on the streets of New York, to living on the streets of New York with a giant bag of cash.

Holden said that he had been homeless on the streets of New York City for over 20 years, until one lucky Sunday while he was in the park. As Holden was sleeping on a bench, he noticed a man pass by and throw away almost an entire sandwich into a nearby trash bin.

“I was starving, and needed something in my stomach. I just woke up as the man passed by, and it was perfect timing, because it was a roast beef sub, and I love roast beef,” said Holden. “When I went over to the trash can so I could dig out the sandwich, I had trouble finding it, so had to dig deep in the can to grab it. When I was digging I noticed a very large, heavy bag and lifted it out. When  I opened it I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

Holden said that once he found the money, he forgot all about the sandwich – at least the discarded one.

“I went and bought myself lunch, a new outfit, and got myself a haircut. After doing all of those things, I went back to the park and tried to find the right full owner of the money,” said Holden. “I enjoy being homeless – that’s why I did it. It wasn’t drugs or booze or the stock market that made me homeless. I see normal people constantly pissed off and angry, and I remember being pissed off and angry when I worked all day. Now I have no commitments.”I would have left the cash there, but I was starving, and my clothes and hair were getting kind of gross. I’m still looking or the rightful owner. I’ve counted the money 4 times now, and it is about $200,000.”

Holden claims he will return the money to the rightful owner if he runs into them. In the meantime, he is still remaining on the streets and doesn’t plan to spend any more of the cash.

Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida –  Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

This past Friday, a new city ordinance in Fort Lauderdale took effect, causing the public handouts of food to homeless to become a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

No sooner had the ordinance become law than city police found it compulsory to cite three men for handing out food to the homeless, including 2 church pastors. All three men, including a 90-year-old Arnold Abbot – who has been feeding the homeless for over 20 years – could face fines of up to $500 each, and 60 days in jail.

“They don’t understand why this law was created, and why we’re just trying to do our jobs,” said Officer Joe Goldsmith of the Fort Lauderdale Police Department. “See, we have a severe homeless population here, and when you feed them, they just keep coming back. Homeless people aren’t any different from feral cats. Once you give them food, more come around, and they never leave. We’ve got to nip that problem in the bud.”

Fort Lauderdale officials say that they created the ordinance specifically to eradicate the homeless problem ‘plaguing’ their city.

“It’s disgusting. I hate homeless people,” said one city council member. “I mean, my God – get a job for crying out loud. The fact that we have so many homeless people here, it’s just mind-boggling. This new ordinance is perfect. Once we start fining these damn do-gooder types who feed the homeless, they’ll stop helping. Once the homeless can’t get food, they’ll either move on to other towns, or they’ll just die off. Either way, problem solved.”

“These people are just down on their luck, and they need a bite to eat and a friendly face,” said Mark Stuart, a resident of Fort Lauderdale who has often brought food to homeless shelters around the city. “This ordinance spits in the face of what everyone knows is right, and that’s helping your fellow-man. No one wants these people, who just need some help, to die.”

“Actually, that’s exactly what we want to happen,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, come on, they’re homeless. A lot of them even have mental illnesses or diseases, for crying out loud. We don’t need that kind of shit ‘uglying up’ our city. Let’s get rid of them, and we can become a nice, happy place once more. This law will just bring more pain to the homeless, and they’ll suffer. It’s great!”

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