Afroman To Be Charged With Murder After Assaulted Fan Dies

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BILOXI, Mississippi –

Singer-songwriter Joseph Foreman aka Afroman, best known for his 2001 hit “Because I Got High”, is reportedly to be charged with the murder of Pink Platino. The girl died days after being knocked unconscious by a roundhouse punch that was, actually, pretty darn impressive for a forty-year-old stoner. Although Platino was initially thought to be uninjured, the sheer humiliation of the event, combined with internal bleeding in her brain, caused an unexpected hemorrhage.

“There’s a bunch of things that she knew she’d never live down,” said Mauve Platino, Pink’s sister. “Firstly, she was at a damn Afroman gig, a guy who had one hit that only stoners knew existed. The entire family cringed when we heard that she was there. Secondly, she was getting sexy with Afroman on stage, and someone caught that shit on film. Thirdly, a hit from Afroman was enough to send her to the ground. Jesus, I’m embarrassed to be related to her.”

Pink’s friends, however, came to her defense. “Pink was just a chiller,” said friend Matt “Matty-boy” Jacbos. “She was just chillin’ up there. Why can’t anyone just chill these days without getting smashed in the face?”

Lawyer John McDougal, who will represent the Platino family, was bullish about their chances at getting justice.

“It’s all on video,” he told media outlet TMZ. “He definitely can’t say ‘It Wasn’t Me,’ this time.”

When it was pointed out to McDougal that he was referring to a Shaggy song, the lawyer mumbled something about having lots of black stoner friends, and refused to comment further.

Afroman came out in his own defense, saying that it only happened because it was an early afternoon show, and he had not had a chance to take his “medication” yet.

Legal expert, Ziggy Fernandez, played down the chances that the singer would end up in prison.

“Seriously, no jury is going to take pity on the type of girl who attended Afroman concerts,” Fernandez said. “I think pretty much everyone agrees that if you go to an Afroman concert, you deserve to be knocked unconscious. If you die, well, you know, that’s just the way shit falls sometimes.”

Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

Posted on January 16, 2015 by DesireeAmber

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed off on a new piece of Rhode Island legislation that would revive the state’s death penalty, allowing lethal injection not only for malicious physical crimes, but also for drug-related crimes.

After decades of not having a death penalty option in the state of Rhode Island after it’s abolishment in 1984, the option will once again be given to judge and juries throughout the state on high-level crimes.

According to lawmakers, it was the people of Providence, Rhode Island who started the petition to bring back the death penalty throughout the state.

“With the crime rate as it stands in Providence, people want to make the streets safer, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Jorge Elorza, Providence’s Mayor, during a press conference. “At one point, Rhode Island was a small state, with maybe one execution every few years, based on violent crimes like rape and murder. Now, with this new legislation, those crimes can also be expanded to include the dealing or use of marijuana, driving under the influence, and higher levels of assault charges. We want to keep Rhode Island safe, for all people and future generations.”

“By approving this option for the State of Rhode Island, I am not endorsing the death penalty,” said President Obama. “Please understand, it is the voters choice, and I am only the last line on a very long process of paperwork. The state and cities have spoken, and I am proud to be able to give them the ability to make themselves feel safer.”

Rhode Island lawmakers say that the process to have any changes made to current punishments is a slow-moving one, but that they anticipate the death penalty to be on the table for several crimes by the end of the year.

‘Saved By The Bell’ Star Dustin Diamond Charged With Murder After Stabbing Victim Dies

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

PORT WASHINGTON, Wisconsin –

Former Saved By The Bell star Dustin Diamond, best known for his awkwardly hilarious character Samuel “Screech” Powers on the timeless popular hit teen television series Saved By The Bell, has been charged with second-degree murder after a man he stabbed during a barroom brawl has died at a Wisconsin hospital.

Diamond, 37, initially told police that he accidentally stabbed the man with what he said was a ‘pen’, although he later referred to the weapon, which was never found, as a knife. According to Diamond, while trying to defend his fiance, 27-year-old Amanda Schutz, at the Grand Avenue Saloon in Port Washington, where Diamond is a resident, he was forced to brandish the weapon.

Diamond was initially charged with second-degree recklessly endangering safety, disorderly conduct, and carrying a concealed weapon and was released on $10,000 bail before the man, only being referred to by the name of ‘Casey’ per request of family, passed away. Originally reported that Casey was completely fine and his wounds mostly superficial, reports say he took a turn for the worse after a wound from the fight became infected. He died on the operating room table.

Port Washington Police Department spokesperson Marvin Maxwell made the public announcement this morning that Diamond is now being sought for charges of second-degree murder.

“As requested by the family, the last name of the deceased is not to be released at this time and will only be referred to as ‘Casey,'” Maxwell said in the statement. “The case is thoroughly being investigated by the best detectives in Port Washington. Due to the fact that Mr. Diamond used a concealed weapon during the altercation, the police department had no choice but to charge him with second-degree homicide. Please keep in mind that Mr. Diamond is innocent until proven guilty by the court of law,” Maxwell added.

Those who witnessed the altercation seemed to have mixed opinions on what happened during the Christmas night brawl. Some say Diamond was behaving negatively and arrogantly and after refusing to shake the hand of a woman, the fight began. Others say two men had Diamonds girlfriend by the hair and had punched her in the face several times before Diamond got involved. One witness, Carl Peters, told police that the stabbing victim had verbally provoked Diamond.

“He told Screech he wanted to give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker. Screech didn’t like that very much, and that’s when the tussle began” Peters said. “It was just like that episode where Screech got mad at Zack for stealing Lisa away from him, only this time, Screech stabbed the guy. It was awesome. I was half expecting Mr. Belding to come rushing out to break it up and yell ‘hey, hey, hey! What is going on here?!'”

Diamond has been re-arrested following the official announcement of the murder charge. No further court dates have been announced at this time.

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

Posted on December 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOVELOCK, Nevada –

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed – not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’ I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.

Woman Violently Murders Husband After Finding Toilet Seat Left Up

Posted on December 15, 2014 by JP

WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania –

A woman has been arrested today after police say she brutally murdered her husband in their Wilkes-Barre home late Sunday evening. Jennifer Latorre, age 36, claims that she feels no remorse, and says that her husband “deserved to die” for his mistakes.

According to police reports, Jennifer’s husband, John Latorre, 39, had apparently forgotten to put the toilet seat back down after using the bathroom, even though he was requested to several times by his wife. Jennifer Latorre claims she warned her husband every day for weeks that if he didn’t put the seat down that she would stab him in his “balls, ass, and face.”

The state coroner’s report showed that John Latorre was stabbed over 47 times with a long, sharp object, with several wounds to the face being the ones that killed him. Police believe that he was stabbed with a kitchen knife.

Neighbors reportedly overheard an argument in the Latorre home, which led to what sounded like a violent altercation, and they immediately called police.

“When we arrived on the scene, there was blood all over the kitchen, living room, and bathroom,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Wilkes-Barre Police Department. “It’s almost as if she dragged him from the kitchen into the bathroom to show him his mistake, because when we arrived, the toilet seat had been put down.”

“I stabbed him once for every time he left the seat up,” said Jennifer Latorre. “I see no reason that a man should not be killed if you ask him to do one simple thing after another simple, goddamn thing, and he just can’t be bothered. A man like that is useless.”

Several women’s groups throughout the country have begun showing their support for Jennifer, saying that they will pool their resources to make sure she gets “the best lawyer money can buy.”

“Jennifer Latorre is an inspiration to all married women who deal with cheating husbands, stupid husbands, or just plain assholes,” said Melissa Jean, founder of the Women Come First movement. “Every woman who has to deal with a husband who can’t be bothered to listen to his wife should take note of Jennifer’s action. Your time will come, sisters! Your time will come!”

“She is the most sociopathic person I’ve ever encountered,” said Officer Goldsmith. “She went over the murder and ensuing events with us like we were old friends and she was telling us a boring story. It was the most graphic thing I have heard about or seen since joining the force, and it still chills me to my core. The fact that this happened over a toilet seat, and literally nothing else, is profoundly disturbing. I can tell you what, though – I’ll never leave the seat up in my house again.”

Elementary School Principal Fired, Arrested For Planning Real-Life ‘Purge’

Posted on December 11, 2014 by Chip

WINTERFLOCK, Pennsylvania –

Principal Douglas Warner has officially been let go from his position at the Boutland Elementary School located in the small town of Winterflock, Pennsylvania. Warner was removed from his position after it was discovered he had been planning a school ‘purge’ modeled after the blockbuster hit movie The Purge, in which one day a year American citizens are able to kill each other without worrying about legal recourse.

It has been reported that Principal Warner has been planning the purge for months, and intended to follow through with the act at the beginning of the new year. Warner said he wanted to wait until 2015 so the parents of any affected children would be able to spend one last Christmas with their kids.

Police questioned Warner about his reasoning behind the school purge, and Warner said it was all about ‘weeding out’ the troublemakers.

“It’s obvious I was just fantasizing at an attempt to help society by weeding out some of the crazy, violent, troubled kids, and of course, the school bullies,” said Warner. “I mean come on, I wasn’t really going to do it, as far as you know…but you have to understand that there are always those certain kids who are just tiny little assholes. If we just get rid of those kids now, then we won’t have to deal with them when they are in tenth grade, bringing their dads handguns to school underneath their trench coats.”

Warner’s purge was uncovered when a fourth grade teacher found a notebook detailing explicit plans of the even, and turned it over to local police. Police reports show that within the notebook Warner had listed his intention of arming all students with make shift weapons the day of the purge.

Though Warner has been let go from his job at Boutland Elementary and was initially arrested, he was eventually released when police said they didn’t have enough evidence of crime to convict. It remains unclear if further legal action will be taken against Warner. In addition, legal sources have said that Warner would be able to get a principal job at a school within a different district without issue, assuming no charges are filed.

Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ORLANDO, Florida –

Public court records reveal that Casey Anthony has adopted a 3-year-old girl from the Florida Foster Care and Adoption Agency. Casey Anthony is the infamous mother accused in the murder of her then 2-year-old daughter Caylee, in the 2011 trial that riveted the nation. Anthony and her lawyers were somehow able to overcome a mountain of evidence and, in a verdict that shocked the world, was found not guilty by a jury of people who must have been some of the stupidest people alive.

“I take my job seriously, and all applicants for adoption go through a rigorous screening process. I have to look at the facts, and the fact is, Casey was found not guilty in the murder of her natural-born daughter,” said Martha McDonald, the social worker in charge of the adoption. “The other fact is, we need to find homes for children in the foster care system. Casey filed all the paperwork properly, she has a home, a part-time job, and I think she just wants to have a normal life and have a family again. I wish their new family all the best, and I will probably check in with them from time to time, if I think of it, to make sure everything is okay – at least for the first month or two.”

Reporters found Anthony unboxing hammers for a display at the Home Depot, where she apparently works part-time as an associate. “Yup, it’s true. I’m going to be a mom again! I’m happy. Maggie, that’s my new daughter’s name, by the way, Maggie – she is happy. I just want to forget that whole former life and tragedy surrounding it, and move on. Maggie and I have a lot to look forward to. She’s excited about her new pre-school, we are having a pool installed, and I met a wonderful man. I just have to change his mind about not wanting children, though. Life is certainly looking up!”

Scientific Study Proves O.J. Simpson Is Greatest Athlete of All Time

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

DELUTH, Minnesota –

A scientific study conducted at Martinvale University has been released today naming O.J Simpson the greatest athlete of all time. Martinvale representative Daniel Carson sat down with a correspondent from CNN this afternoon to discuss the study in further detail, starting off by addressing the shock and controversy the study has already received.

“Look, I know this isn’t going to be a popular discovery, but like it or not, The Juice is the greatest athlete we have ever seen, and will probably ever see.”

Carson proceeded to give a breakdown of the study. “O.J was a monster on and off the field, I mean the guy rushed for over 2,000 yards in a 14 game season, and played in 6 Pro Bowls. He is such a beast he was able to rush for over 200 yards in 6 different games throughout his amazing career.”

After continuing to spend a brief period quoting O.J Simpson’s NFL stats that anyone could easily find on Wikipedia, Carson took an odd and controversial turn in the conversation

“The fact of the matter is that The Juice has it all. Today we have athletes like Ray Rice that aren’t even able to get away with simple domestic violence. A civil court found that O.J straight murdered two people like a savage, and he never saw a day behind bars for it.”

Carson tells CNN that it’s these ‘pure animal instincts’ and smarts that allowed O.J to get away with murder both on and off the field. “Greatest Athlete is not a title handed down purely for brute strength or game statistics, it’s having the brain to think on your feet and tie it all together.”

The study also makes reference to O.J’s acting career and states his performance in Roots and The Naked Gun can only be described as brilliant. The claim was made within the study that “it’s those charismatic and sharp instincts within O.J’s genes that allowed him to excel as an actor that contributed to him being a phenomenal athlete. There really is a huge and overlooked crossover between the skills that make one a great actor and a great athlete.”

Though the results of the study are understandably widely disputed, Carson wrapped up his interview with CNN by saying “If O.J were to suit up today at age 67, he’d be the best player in the NFL, and if he so chose he could be the best player in the NBA, NHL, or MLB. That’s an indisputable fact.”

TV Meteorologist Murdered After Reporting Weather Incorrectly

Posted on October 29, 2014 by JP

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A weather man who worked for the WAVY-TV station in Huntsville, Alabama, was found dead in his home this past Tuesday afternoon. Craig Poland, 47, worked for the local Virginia news station for over 10 years, but spent most of his career behind the camera.

“He did more behind the camera work than he did as a weather man,” said Bill Hytes, the owner of the station. “Great guy, really nice and personable. We can’t believe that this has happened to him. He was a major part of our weather team, and a beloved member of our news staff.”

The strange tragedy behind Poland’s murder was a note found on the scene of the crime that pointed to Poland’s incorrect on-air weather reporting being the cause of death.

Poland was called asked to report the weather live for one day last week when a fellow co-worker called in sick. During the broadcasting, Poland stated that the weather for last weekend would be bright and sunny. Sadly, the prediction was not correct, and it now appears that a local viewer took the information badly.

“People take their weather very seriously around here,” said Officer Tim Brown. “When I arrived on the scene and saw the body, I knew immediately who he was. I remember seeing him on the air too and, to be honest, I was a little ticked at him because I planned to go fishing after he said we’d have a nice, sunny weekend and I hit nothing but rain. I mean, I didn’t kill him or anything, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that I can relate to someone’s anger – it’s not the first time someone’s plans have been ruined by a TV weatherman not knowing his stuff. Probably the first time anyone has been killed because of it, though.”

Police are remaining quiet on the exact details of the crime, but reporters have learned that the note left at the scene said ‘that will teach you to screw up my weekend, you old weather f—–.’ Police say they have no leads at this time.

Body of Union Leader Jimmy Hoffa Discovered In Nashville

Posted on October 16, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Investigators have officially identified the remains of bones that were discovered buried under the lawn surrounding Nashville’s replica of the Parthenon as that of Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters Union president who mysteriously disappeared in 1975.

“They’re not exactly bones that we found,” said Detective Evan Hoodunett. “We found parts – lots of tiny, chopped parts of bones. This guy didn’t go easy. I haven’t even seen something this bad in a mafia movie, let alone the hundreds of real mafia murder crimes I’ve witnessed or researched.”

For decades, the whereabouts of Hoffa’s remains were an unknown, and were widely speculated and discussed. Most theorists were certain he was kidnapped and murdered by the mafia, who at the time were a large part of the Teamsters and worker’s unions across the country. It had been speculated that they drove Hoffa to New Jersey, Florida, or Georgia and hid his body. Some were certain his remains were somewhere in Detroit, not far from where he was last seen outside the restaurant Machus Red Fox.

Yet still other, more bizarre theories exist. In researching this article, it was discovered that there are at least three people on the Internet who claim that the Coen brothers got their wood chipper scene idea in the well-known film Fargo from first-hand knowledge of, and involvement in, Hoffa’s death. No explanation was given as to why, or how, that would even be possible.

“Yeah, it takes all kinds of guesses, theories, and weirdos to really keep a story like this alive for the better part of 40 years,” said Hoodunett. “I’d honestly be surprised if someone hadn’t said that Hoffa was abducted by aliens or something, by this point. There were just so many crazies out there with their arm-chair detective skills.”

As far-fetched as the Hoffa theories got, absolutely no one predicted Nashville’s Parthenon as a possibility.

“These wise guys, or, er – I mean, whoever it might have been that did him in, really did an impressive job,” said Hoodunett. “Not only did they get away with murdering a prominent public figure of that time, but they left the entire lawn where they buried his chopped up body parts spotless. We never looked here before the tip, because it was totally clean and completely random, a location that had absolutely no connection to the victim or suspects. It’s like, having red wine with burritos. Who does that?”

Family and friends of Hoffa are uneasy now that they know for certain the details of the brutality of his murder, though a select few commented that they were relieved now that they know he “got what he deserved.” Hoffa had been declared dead in absentia in 1982.