Fort Lauderdale Law Created To Kill Homeless People Via Starvation

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FORT LAUDERDALE, Florida –

This past Friday, a new city ordinance in Fort Lauderdale took effect, causing the public handouts of food to homeless to become a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

No sooner had the ordinance become law than city police found it compulsory to cite three men for handing out food to the homeless, including 2 church pastors. All three men, including a 90-year-old Arnold Abbot – who has been feeding the homeless for over 20 years – could face fines of up to $500 each, and 60 days in jail.

“They don’t understand why this law was created, and why we’re just trying to do our jobs,” said Officer Joe Goldsmith of the Fort Lauderdale Police Department. “See, we have a severe homeless population here, and when you feed them, they just keep coming back. Homeless people aren’t any different from feral cats. Once you give them food, more come around, and they never leave. We’ve got to nip that problem in the bud.”

Fort Lauderdale officials say that they created the ordinance specifically to eradicate the homeless problem ‘plaguing’ their city.

“It’s disgusting. I hate homeless people,” said one city council member. “I mean, my God – get a job for crying out loud. The fact that we have so many homeless people here, it’s just mind-boggling. This new ordinance is perfect. Once we start fining these damn do-gooder types who feed the homeless, they’ll stop helping. Once the homeless can’t get food, they’ll either move on to other towns, or they’ll just die off. Either way, problem solved.”

“These people are just down on their luck, and they need a bite to eat and a friendly face,” said Mark Stuart, a resident of Fort Lauderdale who has often brought food to homeless shelters around the city. “This ordinance spits in the face of what everyone knows is right, and that’s helping your fellow-man. No one wants these people, who just need some help, to die.”

“Actually, that’s exactly what we want to happen,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, come on, they’re homeless. A lot of them even have mental illnesses or diseases, for crying out loud. We don’t need that kind of shit ‘uglying up’ our city. Let’s get rid of them, and we can become a nice, happy place once more. This law will just bring more pain to the homeless, and they’ll suffer. It’s great!”

Toys ‘R’ Us To Pull All Toys From Shelves, Doesn’t Want To Risk Offending Anyone

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WAYNE, New Jersey –

Last week, a Florida mother petitioned big box retailer Toys ‘R’ Us to remove a line of action figures based around popular TV show Breaking Bad. The Fort Myers, Florida mother, Susan Schrivjer, started a petition on the website change.org, encouraging people to sign, hoping to get the retailer to remove the toys that she deemed were inappropriate for children.

This morning, Toys ‘R’ Us announced that, unbelievably, Schrivjer has won her battle, and the company will be removing the toys from their shelves immediately. “Let’s just say, the action figures have taken an indefinite sabbatical,” Toys R Us said in a written statement to the press. The retailer had maintained that the figures were sold in limited quantities in the adult-action-figure area of its stores, an area that every TRU store has.

Unfortunately, it looks as the retail giant will not stop with just the Breaking Bad figures, called out for their realism and adult-oriented accessories, including guns and bags of meth. Toys ‘R’ Us has officially announced that they will be pulling every toy from the shelves, lest anyone get offended.

“We know that to most people, toys, action figures, video games, and the like, are extremely mundane, and meant for fun – nothing to get offended over,” said Geoffrey Giraffe, the president of Toys ‘R’ Us. “There is that small sub-sect of people out there, though, that seek out things to be offended by, and then they start their complaints and their petitions, and it’s a media headache, and we just don’t want to deal with it, frankly.”

The company said that normally they’d be rushing to get the latest hot toys and games onto the shelves in preparation for a giant fourth-quarter and holiday season, but instead they are beginning to empty their shelves.

“Sadly, one bad egg has spoiled it for everyone. We deal with millions of customers a year, we want to make sure we listen to every single one of them. If even one is not happy, then we’re not doing our jobs. If they have a complaint, we put our tail between our legs and give in; that’s loyalty and customer dedication. Personally, I only wish we had the resolve of a company like Ben & Jerry’s,” said Giraffe, referencing that company’s announcement last week that they would not give into unnecessary and stupid customer complaint, and would continue use of the name of their ice cream ‘Hazed and Confused.’

“I think the mother who started the petition sounds like a meddling, obnoxious, do-gooder, pain in the ass,” said Robert Thomas, a customer of Toys ‘R’ Us. “I can’t believe that they’re pulling the figures. Seriously, they have Nightmare on Elm Street figures with Freddy Kruger who has knives for fingers. They have Barbies with unattainably-sized tiny hips and fat asses. They have creepy dolls that you feed and then they actually shit their diapers. Yet action figures, that no child should even be familiar with unless their parents let them watch the show in the first place, are offensive? Get a damn life, woman.”

“It’s a sad day for the world of toys and consumer choice, it really is,” said Giraffe. The company plans to remain open, despite not having any product to sell. “We may keep the candy, on the shelves, I suppose. I just hope we don’t offend any diabetics or anything.”

U.S. Postal Service Announces Plans To Change To ‘Weekend Only’ Delivery Model

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The United States Postal Service has been considering major cutbacks over the last several years amid increased costs and fewer customers. The advent of email and other forms of communication has drastically cut back on the number of items mailed to minimal amounts compared to even a decade ago, and the agency has been looking to make changes to help save money ever since.

In a drastic change announced this morning, the Postmaster General stated that the Postal Service would be cutting back on weekday delivery, and instead moving to a ‘weekend only’ delivery schedule. This would eliminate any regular, first-class mail delivery Monday through Friday, and would pick up Sunday as an extra delivery day.

“Moving away from weekdays and into just weekends will save the Postal Service millions upon millions of dollars every year,” said Mr. Grumman Ellelvee, the Postmaster General. “We have toyed with the idea many times of eliminating Saturday deliver, and sticking with just weekdays, but that would only save a pittance in comparison to doing the reverse, and eliminating delivery through the week.”

Ellelvee went on to say that postal workers would be happier, as their stressful weeks would be cut down by 66%.

“The safety and health of our employees is of a top priority,” said Ellelvee. “So we will be substantially raising the salary for our workers to compensate for the lost time. Even with that one cost increase, we will still save money on transportation, fuel, vehicle maintenance, shipment, and other costs.”

When asked to explain some of the hardships being faced by the Postal Service, Ellelvee was very open about the current state, as well as the future, of the post office.

“We just can’t keep up anymore, it’s very expensive to ship and move all these mail items and packages. Many people don’t know this, but Netflix was pretty much keeping us alive for years with their disc-by-mail model. Ever since streaming became more popular, we just don’t have as much mail anymore, and without mail, we don’t make as much money. That’s why switching gears, moving to this new model, could help keep the post office alive and well for years to come.”

The U.S. Postal Service says the remainder of 2014 will continue on normal schedules, and the new system should be beginning January 1st, 2015. The new changes will not affect overnight delivery or international shipments.

2014 Federal Tax Refunds To Be Delayed, Payments Won’t Arrive Until October 2015

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The deadline for filing your 2014 federal tax return has been April 15th for decades, with the last person who is owed a refund getting their payment usually by the end of May. This year, though, even with the advent of the internet and phone-filing systems, people who file early and folks who wait until the final deadline, are looking to have their refunds held back several months, with payouts not expected to happen until October of 2015.

The news of the major change was first broken by website National Report, who says that the Obama administration is purposely holding owed refunds to help save the government money. According to Report, the Federal Government returns around $350 billion dollars of what it has collected from taxes throughout the year, and withholding the payouts until October will allow the government to gain an additional $30 billion in interest and additional borrowing costs.

The change is not universal, though. The new rebate delay is only set to affect those who have filled under an individual status, meaning large corporations and businesses will still be eligible to receive any refunds owed almost immediately, while the rest of us wait.

“Your money is still coming, and we will not be holding back an extra cent,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Pulling back payments until the end of 2015 will help increase government earnings. This is merely a new structure to a system that has been in place for generations. Sometimes, change is inevitable.”

As many Americans rely every year on their tax returns, planning vacations, expensive purchases, and some even wisely putting it in savings or using it to pay rent or bills, this push could cause some headaches for those people who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

“It’s just awful, seriously awful,” said Marie Jordan, a mother of 5 young children in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. “I was going to use my refund to hire a babysitter and take a 2-week cruise vacation to the Bahamas in March, all by myself. Maybe find a nice Cabana boy to take back to my stateroom. Apparently that’s not happening, now. I hate our government in times like this.”

Many taxpayers echoed Jordan’s feelings, saying that they need their money sooner rather than later.

“This is going to really kill my February,” said taxpayer Joe Goldsmith, a recently divorced bachelor in Missouri. “I work a crappy retail job, and barely can make ends meet on my weekly paycheck, so I was planning on doing an early file, and getting my money back by February. Even though my bitch ex-wife said I should save it for alimony, I was going to use it to buy a big screen TV and throw a Super Bowl bash for myself and some friends. I guess I will just watch the game alone on my 27″ tube TV instead. Thanks, Obama.”

According to Earnest, the deadline for filing your Federal Income Tax Returns will remain April 15th, with checks and direct deposits being made starting October 15, 2015.

Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’

Creator Of ‘Sons of Anarchy’ Reveals Series Ending On Instagram

Posted on October 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Earlier this week, Kurt Sutter, creator and driving force behind the hit television show Sons of Anarchy, posted an image to Instagram showing the final few lines on the last page of the final episode, giving fans a glimmer of hope about the survival of main character Jax Teller.

The Instagram post was made without comment, except to say that he had ‘finished *713,’ which would be episode 13 of the 7th season, the final episode to be made in the much-loved, and highly acclaimed series.

The Instagram share is still on Sutter’s account, but many people are claiming that the posting may have initially been a mistake, and that Sutter will now, or has since, changed the ending.

“I swear, I thought it was done by accident,” said a fan. “Like he probably meant to text the picture to his wife Katey (Sagal, a lead on the show) or a producer or something. Just to show it was done. If this is how the series ends, I will be so excited! No one wants Jax to die. He should live happily ever after.”

Fans are speculating on the ending of the series, which last season saw several main characters killed off, and who will live or die during these final few episodes.

“A series like this begins filming months before the final drafts of the later episodes will even be completed,” said Mark Robertsen, a television writer not affiliated with Sons. “So it’s very possible that there have been or will be changes made to the end of the series. It’s even more likely that several of the stars don’t even know if they will live through the final credits. At this point, the only one who would really know is Kurt [Sutter] himself.”

The final season of Sons of Anarchy is airing Tuesday nights at 10pm EST on cable network FX.

Final Page SOA — A screenshot from @sutterink on Instagram shows the final (possible) ending to Sons of Anarchy

Tampax To Market Pumpkin Spice Tampons

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Not a company to be left behind when it comes to current fads, Procter & Gamble have announced today that they will begin selling their brand of Tampax tampons in a pumpkin spice scent.

The company says that they knew that the autumn season there was a big call for pumpkin spice flavors and scents, until this year they never thought they’d bring such a product to market. Head of Design Martha Plumb says that the company received so many letters and emails about developing the product over the last few years, that they decided it was time to produce it.

“Most people, especially women, love the scent of pumpkin spice,” said Plumb. “It reminds them of the fall, of autumn leaves and pumpkins and Halloween and just all the lovely, fun things the season brings. We wanted to capture that smell, those feelings, and make them available in a tampon.”

Plumb says that although the product is being developed, it won’t be ready for market until next year. “If it does well, which we believe that it will, we may introduce other scents for different times of the year, including Apple Pie, Fresh Cut Grass, and Winter Snowfall.”

Not to be outdone in the pumpkin spice arena, Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Durex brand condoms, has also announced that they are considering bringing to market a pumpkin spice flavored condom, and Charmin has said they have plans to create a pumpkin spice scented toilet paper.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Arrested, Deposed

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

It had been several weeks since North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was last seen in public, during a concert he attended with his wife on September 3rd. Rumors swirled that he had become ill or perhaps even died, but because of intense media control in North Korea, there were more questions than answers during his disappearance.

Earlier this morning, photographs began to surface in the United States of a visibly beaten and bruised Kim Jong-un being led by what appear to be police or military officers, and we have come to learn that he has been deposed, quickly and forcefully removed from power. Full details at this time are unknown, but what has been learned is that Jong-un was taken and apparently tortured after the concert on September 3rd, held in an unknown location for several weeks.

North Korean government leaders had been hiding the fact that Jong-un was unaccounted for, and have so far made no public comments since he has resurfaced. Although definitely pleased with having their dictator removed from power, North Korean citizens are so far refusing to celebrate, for fear of government retaliation.

At this time, it is unknown who was involved in the takedown of the North Korean leader, and if the United States or other countries were part of or privy to the overthrowing.

Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.

REPORT: NFL Players Make Too Much Money; Risk $10k Fines To Wear Sub-Par Headphones

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Just last week, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 by the NFL for wearing a pair of Beats brand headphones during a press conference after the team’s win over the Chiefs. The fine was the first of its kind after a ban was placed on the product; the NFL has a deal with BOSE systems, and for the most part, players are required to either wear that brand of headphones, or none at all.

Yesterday, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton was also photographed wearing Beats by Dre headphones, apparently not giving one second thought to the fact that he, too, could end up fined the equivalent of what amounts to half of the annual salary of many of his fans.

“I think these players, they make too much money,” said Al Ross, a lifelong football fan in Boston. “I mean, first of all, they’re out there, spending hundreds of dollars on these stupid, shitty name-brand headphones, and then the NFL says ‘Sorry, you can’t wear those,’ and instead of replacing the aforementioned pieces of shit with the free Bose headphones the club would give them, they risk having to fork over $10,000 because they want to keep wearing them? I love football, but the players are dumb as a bunch of bricks, I tell ya.”

“Personally, I’m a huge fan of sub-par headphones that break every few months, that’s why I keep wearing them,” said Bo Roberts, second-string linebacker for the Chicago Bears. “They wanted to give me the new brand that the NFL deals with, but that’s dumb. My Beats work fine for the most part, if I jiggle the wire just right and tilt my head to one side. There’s no reason to get rid of them just yet – not because the offices tell us to, anyway. That’s stupid.”

The NFL has yet to comment on whether Cam Newton would also be fined for wearing his Beats headphones. In other related news, Skullcandy is literally begging any player that they can find, in any professional0 sport, to possibly wear their headphones in public, to remind people that they, too, want to be thought of us ‘cool.’