New TV Show Will Highlight Competitive Dumpster-Diving

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

A new TV show to air later this year on TLC will highlight competitive dumpster-diving, which has become one of the most “extreme” new sports-slash-competitions in recent years. The series, which has been picked up for one season to start, will be called Garbage Games, and will follow multiple people in their quest to find the most valuable item in their town’s dumpsters and trash cans.

“I got into dumpster diving when I was a kid, because we were poor, and it seemed like a good hobby,” said Mark Ryan, who is featured on the show. “I’ve found everything from extremely valuable paintings to old antique toys to more ‘useful’ things, like unopened packages of food. I think I’ll really have a good leg-up in the Garbage Games.”

TLC president Phil Moss says that he is “extremely excited” for the show to air, and thinks it could be a great competitor to shows like Hoarders.

“I love shows about trash, whether it’s trashy people like Honey Boo-Boo or trash in someone’s home like Hoarders, so I think this show will be great,” said Moss. “I’ve seen the first few episodes, and there are some really, really fun and exciting things that people find in their trash. America will love this show.”

Death Row Inmate Requests Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl For Last Meal

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PUTNAM, Florida –

The Florida Department of Corrections offers death row inmates the option of requesting a final meal on the day of the scheduled execution. Guidelines specify that food items must be purchased locally, and the cost cannot exceed $40.

Del Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, asked prison officials for something they had never seen before. He wrote down “Unlimited Pasta Bowl” as his last meal, the first request of its kind. “I love me some Olive Garden,” Berkley said. The meal only costs $29.99 at the local restaurant.

“I wasn’t sure it was something we could accommodate,” said Prison Warden Raymond Jeffries. “If the meal was never-ending, then we would never be able to do the actual killing of the inmate. It was an odd request, but we are required by law to fulfill it.”

Manager of the local Olive Garden, Ken Fisher, says that he welcomes Berkley to enjoy their never-ending pasta dish, and says that they are “overjoyed” that he has chosen their restaurant as their last meal.

The last meal’s monetary cap mentions nothing about off-site meals. “That’s something we should have thought about, looking back on it,” said Warden Jeffries. “Then of course, there’s the issue of finding people willing to eat their meal next to a convicted criminal, and the fact that we’d have to do a headcount once an hour. We’ll figure it out.”

The request was submitted to Florida Governor Rick Scott, who convened a special meeting with officials from the Florida Department of Corrections, members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and family members of Berkley’s victim -convenience store owner Martin Fales – killed during the 2008 robbery.

It is precisely because of this reason that many correctional institutions have done away with the last meal request for death row prison inmates.

Guinness Recognizes Man With ‘World’s Smallest Penis’

Posted on April 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A Miami man, Mike Carson, has been officially recognized by Guinness World Records for having the smallest penis. According to Carson and his doctors, his fully-functioning penis is only 1/16th of an inch, the smallest for a fully-grown, adult male.

“For a long time, I was very embarrassed by my penis, but now, I pretty much just go with it,” said Carson. “I’m 29 now, and I’ve had girls who have come up to me, after they found out about it, and said they ‘just had to try it out,’ so I can’t even tell you how many women I’ve been with because of it.”

Carson says that he was picked on in high school locker rooms for years, because most of his classmates thought he might actually be a girl.

“For a long time, it got so bad [the teasing] that I thought I might be a girl, too,” said Carson. “The guys would laugh at me, and tell me it looked like I had a big clit, and they are right, it totally does. But it’s okay, because a lot of those guys died since high school. Heroin is a hell of a drug, and I’m climbing the ranks at a Fortune 500 company, so hey, you win some, you lose some right?”

Carson says he takes his record with pride, and has “no desire” to have surgery to enlarge his penis.

U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

Posted on April 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps. Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise. When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle. Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

Plan Launches To Add President Obama To Mount Rushmore

Posted on April 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to one of Obama’s supporters, Obama deserves to have a spot next to Washington and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. You heard that right – According to Jim Messina, Obama is “no question … one of the all-time great presidents.”

Messian justifies his ridiculous position with claims that Obama “walked into the toughest economic situation in several generations. Made tough choices to fix it, took on an incredibly unpopular and difficult fight on healthcare, put all of his political chips on the line, passed it, continued to go on, and have a successful presidency.”

Messina has gained a mass of supporters, all of whom petitioned the government to add Obama to the famous mountain, and – of course – it was passed by the Obama administration.

“I would never have made this choice on my own, but if it is brought to me by others, I have no problem adding myself to the mountain,” said Obama. “I have had one of the toughest eight years in any presidency, and if others think I deserve the honor, who am I to argue?”

The cost of the addition will be somewhere in the nature of $20 million dollars, which will be paid for by taxes and donations.

Toddler Dies After Mother Uses Cell Phone In Emergency Room

Posted on April 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Georgia –

A 4-year-old girl who fell and broke her leg died on Monday after her mother took a selfie in the hospital ER. The signal from the cell phone, when turned on, caused the girl’s life support system to malfunction, which lead to her death.

29-year-old Kathy Simmons said she is “confused and upset” by the incident that killed her daughter.

“When I brought Joy in, she was okay, but she had fallen and broken her leg, and it required some minor surgery to repair the bone, so she was hooked to machines that could monitor her breathing and provide pain medicine,” said Simmons. “No one told me I couldn’t use my phone in a hospital, so how was I to know? I just wanted to cheer her up by taking a picture together. Then everything sparked and the machines started to smoke!”

Doctors told Simmons that the machine that was providing a steady drip of morphine to her daughter for pain surged, causing her to take an extreme amount of the drug all at once, killing her.

“People need to know that hospitals are no place for selfies, text messages, snapchats, or phone calls,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Joy’s doctor. “Little Joy would still be alive right now if only her mother had read the any of the hundreds of signs littered around the hospital advising people to not use their cell phones in the hospital. It’s a safety precaution, and a big one.”

Hillary Clinton Says She Wants Her Picture To Be Featured On $20 Bill

Posted on April 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hillary Clinton says that she “firmly believes” that she should be featured on the $20 bill, which has been being looked at by government officials to be changed to a strong woman from history. Currently, people have been voting for major game-changes such as Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks, but Clinton said that she would be the “best choice.”

“I have overcome so much, between my political and personal career, and yet here I am, still ahead of the game, working towards becoming the first president,” said Clinton. “There is a good chance that I will go down as history when I win the election in November, so between that and my history as a stand-up woman, I honestly feel I would be a good choice.”

Clinton went on to say that standing by her philandering husband, former president Bill Clinton, was one of her “proudest moments,” and just another reason that she would be perfect to be featured on the money.

“I could have left him when he was getting his member rubbed by any greasy whore who walked into the Oval Office, but I didn’t,” said Clinton. “That shows that I’m a proud woman, who can forgive, and not at all a total fool who was made to look like an idiot in the public eye.”

Clinton says she hopes that the members of the US Mint will consider making her the new face of the $20 bill in place of Andrew Jackson.

K.D. Lang Claims She Had Affair With Hillary Clinton

Posted on April 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Musician K.D. Lang shocked reporters yesterday when she responded to a question concerning the presidential run of Hillary Clinton, and the possibility that she could become the first woman President of the United States in American history.

The singer-songwriter, who is in Los Angeles shooting a role for a TV series, took reporters by surprise by admitting she had not only met the former First Lady at various times, but also knew her “intimately”.

“We met many times during some protests after the Vietnam war, probably 1979 or 1980. I was only about 19 at the time, but Hill was beautiful, and I became enamored. We shared many of the same values about sexual equality, fighting against the authoritarian, patriarchal, male-dominated society we were raised in,” she explained.

The celebrity admitted laughingly to having “a fling” with her at the time, and acknowledged her winning the election “would be a great advancement for LGBT and Women rights in America.”

“I’m just glad that she’s out there, doing her thing,” said Lang. “I just wish she’d call once in a while.”

“Hillary Clinton has been hit by a series of allegations of being a lesbian many, many times in her career, which you would think would ruin her bid for the presidency, but apparently not,” said political pundit Michael Ross. “The more often it comes up, the more people start thinking of her as a real person, instead of some odd-ball robot or a soulless devil, as they usually do.”

Swipe Your Driver’s License For Free Gas Thanks To Leftover Campaign Funds [VIDEO]

Posted on April 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

A rather frugal Texan recently made a video showing how anyone in the country could get a bit of free gas at their local gas station, thanks to new campaign laws that make it illegal for money to funnel back into the political candidate once they have left the race.

“These public funds, they could easily go back into a check or some other refund to the people who donated, or to the public via tax breaks, but this seems like a much easier way to get people their few dollars, and at a cheaper cost to the government,” said Craig Smith, who filmed the video. “Checks cost money to print and mail. Instead, it seems they just applied the money to the license of anyone who donated and voted. The money is there, you just have to use it.”

The original post, which was made available on Facebook, claims that it’s valid for anyone “until the fund dries up.”

$10.00 free gas!!!!! Just found out about this! After the Primary Election any money left over in the campaign funds goes into an account and you can get $10.00 free gas a month until the fund goes dry! I tried it and it works!!!! Share with everyone so others can enjoy!!!

Check out the original video below, which explains how the license can be used to obtain the free gas.