Competitive Eater Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut Dies Of Acute Acid Reflux

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VALLEJO, California –

World-famous competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, a competitive eater who was currently ranked second in the world, has reportedly died from acute acid reflux, a disease he developed over a career of eating excessive amounts of food.

“Joey was in incredible health for a person who consumed hundreds of thousands of calories as if it was his job,” said Dr. Emmett Brown. “Unfortunately, despite his good health and the calories not causing him to be massively overweight, the one thing he could not get past was his horrible case of acid reflux disease, which he contracted after a particularly difficult challenge of eating the World’s Hottest Hot Wings in 2011.”

Joey Chestnut had competed, and won, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Challenge multiple years, as well as many other challenges, including hot wings, meatballs, pizza, and an entire turkey dinner.

“Joey was a God to me,” said up-and-coming competitive eater Kimball Rowell. “I competed against him once in a pizza eating contest, and I ate 4 slices in 2 minutes. He ate 3 full pizzas. The man is a legend, and his legacy will last a lifetime.”

Chestnut was scheduled to compete this summer at the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest once again, where he hoped to regain his title as world champion.

HIV-Laced Needles Found On Gas Pump Handles In New Jersey

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, New Jersey –

Police have said that they have found several HIV-laced needles on gas pump handles throughout the city of Carlson in northern New Jersey, and that they are asking for everyone to be ‘extra cautious’ when at the pumps.

“We received an initial report of a needle found taped to the underside of a gas pump handle a few weeks ago, and since then, several other instances have occurred,” said police chief Joe Glass. “We are advising anyone who pumps their own gas in the state of New Jersey to be extremely cautious of any sharp objects taped or glued to the pump handle.”

Chief Glass says that they have had the needles found tested for HIV and other STDs, and they have come back positive.

“HIV and AIDs cannot live outside the body for very long, so the people who have been pricked are lucky, and their tests have been negative, but the needles themselves are exposed,” said Chief Glass. “Please, do not pump your own gas if you can help it, and if you do, wear gloves or other protective hand gear.”

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DARWIN, West Virginia –

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

WWE Cancels ‘Wrestlemania’ Over Terrorist Threats

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ARLINGTON, Texas –

The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.

“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”

FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.

“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.

“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”

Patient Who Had Penis Photographed By Nurse When Unconscious Says He’s “Cool With It” After Seeing How Hot She Is

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UPSTATE, New York –

A nurse in New York was forced to turn in her license to practice after she took selfies and “dick pics” of an unconscious patient, and then shared the pictures with co-workers. 27-year-old Kristen Johnson was forced by a judge to give up her license after she was deemed “morally unfit” to practice.

The patient, whose identity was not revealed, did make a public statement, saying that he didn’t think that there was anything wrong with what happened.

“If she had been fat and ugly, taking pictures of my dick would have been a no-go,” said the patient. “But I mean, really now. Have you seen her? She’s a hot 27-year-old, and what better way to flatter a guy when he gets out of a coma than to tell him a hot girl was admiring his package? I’m totally cool with it.”

A lawyer for the patient was hired by the hospital, but he says that he has “no intention” of going any further through the legal system with the issue.

“If it had been a guy taking pictures of some unconscious girl’s vag, and then shared it around, people would be calling for his balls on a platter, but because this is a young, attractive girl, they’re just making her give up her license,” said the patient. “Honestly, I think she’s suffered enough. Her career is ruined, and she didn’t even get to take home the prize.”

‘National Enquirer’ Investigation Into Cruz Reveals Shocking Donald Trump Affairs

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Pseudonyms were provided for several of the people involved in the alleged affairs of Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The National Enquirer, the nation’s foremost rag magazine about celebrities and politicians, has been making waves over the last couple weeks after they revealed a series of shocking allegations of affairs that have been allegedly perpetrated by senator Ted Cruz. Although the presidential candidate has denied the allegations, the Enquirer has continued their investigation, and also come across a series of detailed affairs by another candidate, Donald Trump.

“Donald Trump has had multiple affairs over the years, and we’ve finally got the proof,” said Enquirer president Jordan Meeks. “We have been able to pinpoint solid information that Trump has had at least 2 female lovers. We are hiding their identities currently, and are referring to them solely as ‘Shmosie O’Shmonnel’ and ‘Shmegan Shmelly.’ We also are investigating an alleged affair with a man, who we are referring to as ‘Shmis Shmisty.'”

Donald Trump steadfastly denies the rumors, and says it’s “impossible” that he could possibly have had any affairs. Many people believed that Trump had worked with the Enquirer to spread the rumors about Ted Cruz, as he has close ties to the magazine, but the news breaking about his affairs seems to put a kibosh on his involvement.

“I have had plenty of failed businesses, and almost as many failed marriages, but none of those things failed because I’m a cheater,” said Trump. “I do a lot of things, and I say even more, but one thing I’ve never done is put my penis where it doesn’t belong when it doesn’t belong there. These allegations are as gross and exaggerated as any about me. I plan on suing the Enquirer for making these false claims.”

Man Sues For Right To Be Sexually Harassed At Work

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Carl Smith, an office worker in Louisville, says that he is suing his employer, Carlton Business Solutions, over his right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.

“When I began working for Carlton, I did not sign an anti-sexual harassment policy disclosure, because I have no problems being sexually harassed,” said Smith. “Three years has gone by, and now HR is saying that I have to sign the paper if I want to continue working for the company. That isn’t fair in the slightest.”

Smith says that he wants to be able to be sexually harassed at work if another co-worker feels right in sexually harassing him.

“I’m not a pervert. I am not going to be hounding the ladies or making crude comments,” said Smith. “But that doesn’t mean that they might not to want to say something to me. Maybe they want to make a lewd joke that references the size of my penis. Or maybe they want to give me a playful ass-slap while I’m making coffee in the break room. Those are things I’m okay with, and as such, I refuse to sign any policies on the matter.”

Smith says that he has retained a lawyer, and plans on taking his case “all the way to the supreme court,” if necessary.

“I don’t have anyone to go home to a night, and this job is all I have,” said Smith. “I want to make it the kind of environment that I feel comfortable working in, that’s all.”

Bodybuilder Accused Of Murder Found ‘Too Fit’ To Stand Trial

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

Carl Jones, a professional bodybuilder from San Diego was found too fit to stand trial after he was accused of murdering his former lover, Cindy Mays.

A grand jury of his peers found that Jones was in too good of shape to be put through the harrowing legal proceedings that would have ensued in a murder case. A person being ‘too fit’ to stand trial is rare, but not unheard of.

“Oftentimes, as is the case with the law, things work out very oddly,” said lawyer Jackson Pooler. “Many times, a person is declared unfit to stand trial. This is usually because they are mentally unstable or unsound. In the case of Mr. Jones, my client, the grand jury found that he was too fit – a long, drawn-out court case would be detrimental to his health.”

Jones says that he works out over 9 hours a day, and eats in excess of 20,000 calories.

“There is no way that I’d be able to maintain this physique and, in essence, my health, if I had to stand trial,” said Jones. “In this case, the jury has made the correct decision, and I am just overjoyed that I can now continue making sure that I live as clean and healthy a life as possible.”

Temporary Tattoos Laced With LSD Found In Indiana Elementary School

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SELLERSBURG, Indiana –

Police say that a packet of temporary tattoos featuring children’s cartoon characters such as Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer that had been laced with LSD were found in an elementary school in Indiana Friday afternoon.

Police Chief Joel Miller explains that a young girl was taken to the hospital after putting one of the tattoos on in the school bathroom.

“Temporary tattoos usually work by place the image on your skin, and rubbing the back with water,” said Chief Miller. “In the case of these LSD-laced tattoos, as soon as the image is placed face-down on the child’s skin, the drug begins to soak into their system. This little girl was lucky, as she only had it on for a minute before she said she ‘felt funny,’ and was rushed to the ER.”

Police say that they do not know where the drug-laced tattoos came from, and that the young girl says that she simply found a baggy of them in the bathroom.

“At this time, we are investigating the origins of the tattoos, and have temporarily closed the school while we canvas the building for any other drugs or paraphernalia,” said Chief Miller.

Bird That Landed On Sanders’ Podium Left Feces All Over It; Trump Calls Event ‘Symbolism’

Posted on March 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Bernie Sanders says that there was some great symbolism in the bird that landed on his podium during a speech the other evening, causing the crowd to go into a thunderous applause.

“Yeah, that symbolism is that he’s shit, and he’s going to shit all over everything,” said Donald Trump, after hearing of the event. “You can bet that’s true. I’ll make America great again, and no birds will be getting anywhere near my great country, except for the baldest of eagles.”

The bird, which flew down as Sanders was talking, did indeed leave a giant mess all over the podium, almost splashing Sanders in the process. The senator hid it well during the speech, but later, a staffer confirmed that it was a massive clean-up.

“You don’t even realize it, but it’s obviously the tiny birds that make the biggest messes,” said lowly Sanders staffer Mike Clarke. “I had to go out and scrub down the podium. I had to carefully get rid of the paper signs we had hanging. Then I had to take Mr. Sanders’ tie to the dry cleaners. It really got all over. I have no idea how the cameras didn’t pick it up. I think it must have been the crazy applause by the crowd that scared the literal shit out of that bird.”